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Here it comes... they're starting to call me mommy

1K views 7 replies 5 participants last post by  singin'intherain 
#1 ·
I'm looking for some perspective on the issue of titles. Here's our situation: My partner and I have seven kids between us, four mine and three his. We don't live together, but we are neighbors, and enjoy a wonderful family dynamic without totally "blending". My kids have a strong relationship with their dad, and while they love dp, he's definitely not "dad" to them. His kids, on the other hand, have been seeing their mom less and less over the last year. She was given weekly supervised visitation, and she is now not showing up for weeks at a time. I've been present for this whole process, but so far they have not called me "mom" very often. I just figured I would do all the mothering that was needed in their lives, and hope that eventually she gets it together enough to continue having a relationship with them. The kids are eight, six, and four, so old enough to know who mom is, and feel abandoned and angry right now.

I've always told the kids that mothering is a job as well as a biological relationship, and that it's ok if someone other than your "real" mom does the mothering in your life. I want them to depend on me and trust me, because I'm committed and, well, they need someone to trust. But I still feel uncomfortable to hear them referring to me as "my mommy". Even though I'm angry at their mom, too, I feel for her. Also, not only are dp and I not married, we don't even live together- so I guess I don't feel official enough or something. I would love it if they came up with an alternative special name for me, but I feel like they are sort of testing our relationship right now by calling me mom, and I don't want to come across as putting limits on how close we can be.

What are your thoughts and experiences?
 
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#2 ·
How old are they?

How is their dad reacting to them calling you mommy?

Have you and he sat together with the children and expressed that they do have a mom, however, you feel blessed to be called mommy by them?

How do your children feel about them calling you mommy?

I think it is a great thing! Sounds as though they are blessed to have YOU in their life.

I remember when MY DD began calling my X's wife mommy. I was devastated! Then I realized just how blessed my daughter was to have this woman in her life. How blessed my daughter was to have two mommies that adore her, take care of her and love her. It was truly hard at first, but I got over my own dislike of the situation and put my little girl first. This is good for HER and that is all that maters, not how I feel about it!!!!
 
#3 ·
When my dss was 6 he asked if he could call me mom. I would never reject him, his mother was never in the picture much and he has never called her mom either, he calls her by her given name.

I simply told him that "he can call me whatever he was comfortable calling me".

He calls me mom, and now its 6 years later and he is still calling me mom and his biomom by her given name.

It wasn't my choice to make. It didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all.

If it makes you uncomfortable then just talk to DP about it and he can talk to the kids.
 
#4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tummy View Post
How old are they?

How is their dad reacting to them calling you mommy?

Have you and he sat together with the children and expressed that they do have a mom, however, you feel blessed to be called mommy by them?

How do your children feel about them calling you mommy?

I think it is a great thing! Sounds as though they are blessed to have YOU in their life.

I remember when MY DD began calling my X's wife mommy. I was devastated! Then I realized just how blessed my daughter was to have this woman in her life. How blessed my daughter was to have two mommies that adore her, take care of her and love her. It was truly hard at first, but I got over my own dislike of the situation and put my little girl first. This is good for HER and that is all that maters, not how I feel about it!!!!
I think your wonderful and amazing.
 
#5 ·
I'm a strong believer that a nickname is the decision of the nicknamer and the nicknamed and no one else. My son insists on being called by his full name by everyone in the world except his little sister, who calls him by a nickname. The nickname my step-daughter calls me is a decision between me and my step-daughter.

SO, if you are not comfortable with them calling you mom (for whatever reason), you certainly are within your rights to suggest finding an alternative. It sounds like you would be able to find a way to do it without the kids feeling rejected. Some ideas might be that "it can be confusing to have two people with the same name in a family, so let's think of a special nickname that only you guys call me." Or "We have a really special relationship and I hear that you want to call me something other than [whatever they used to call you]. Let;s think of a special nickname..."

I'll also say that with so many kids, it might not really have anything to do with their relationship with their mom and more to do with simplicity of language. A lot of my brother's friends called my mom "mom" growing up, even when they lived with and had a perfectly fine relationship with their mom. My foster siblings, even those who had frequent and continuing contact with their own parent(s), called my parents "mom and dad" because the rest of us did. My husband stays home with our kids and also takes care of another family during the day-- they call him "papa" like our kids do, even though the adults all refer to him by first name (and they have an intact family at home with a mom and a daddy). I'm just saying it could be a reflection of something like that... obviously, you probably know because you know them and you are there... it's just a possibility to consider.
 
#6 ·
"I've always told the kids that mothering is a job as well as a biological relationship, and that it's ok if someone other than your "real" mom does the mothering in your life."

God bless you.

If you are in it for the long haul, you can be "mommy" IMO. If you are not sure, then IMO it's better to find another nickname on whatever pretext you desire. These kids deserve a Mom who will never leave them. That may or may not be you, I don't know because I do not live inside your head or your DP's head
 
#7 ·
As a child I was forced to call my stepmother Mom.. I hated it. As soon as I grew into my britches I called her by her given name.

I try to think of how I would act if my ex meets someone and my boys have a stepmother, they are 13 and 11, so I don't think it would become a mom thing, but if it does, I hope they love her enough to call her that. I honestly see adding a parent is a good thing. One more person to love and support them.
 
#8 ·
I guess I just feel bad for their mom, though she's the one abandoning them, not the other way around. She doesn't show up, doesn't call- it seems like she doesn't want to be their "mommy".

The oldest, a girl, is turning eight in a couple of days. She's the one who really had a bond with her mom- she was the "favorite", I guess because she's the only girl. She didn't even ask about her mom coming on her birthday, she just said she wants the two of us to do something special together. Her mom hasn't called to make plans to see her on her birthday, and she didn't show up for her visit a couple of days ago. So I'm all the mommy she has! I'm not going to feel bad about this anymore.
 
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