I'm looking for some perspective on the issue of titles. Here's our situation: My partner and I have seven kids between us, four mine and three his. We don't live together, but we are neighbors, and enjoy a wonderful family dynamic without totally "blending". My kids have a strong relationship with their dad, and while they love dp, he's definitely not "dad" to them. His kids, on the other hand, have been seeing their mom less and less over the last year. She was given weekly supervised visitation, and she is now not showing up for weeks at a time. I've been present for this whole process, but so far they have not called me "mom" very often. I just figured I would do all the mothering that was needed in their lives, and hope that eventually she gets it together enough to continue having a relationship with them. The kids are eight, six, and four, so old enough to know who mom is, and feel abandoned and angry right now.
I've always told the kids that mothering is a job as well as a biological relationship, and that it's ok if someone other than your "real" mom does the mothering in your life. I want them to depend on me and trust me, because I'm committed and, well, they need someone to trust. But I still feel uncomfortable to hear them referring to me as "my mommy". Even though I'm angry at their mom, too, I feel for her. Also, not only are dp and I not married, we don't even live together- so I guess I don't feel official enough or something. I would love it if they came up with an alternative special name for me, but I feel like they are sort of testing our relationship right now by calling me mom, and I don't want to come across as putting limits on how close we can be.
What are your thoughts and experiences?
I've always told the kids that mothering is a job as well as a biological relationship, and that it's ok if someone other than your "real" mom does the mothering in your life. I want them to depend on me and trust me, because I'm committed and, well, they need someone to trust. But I still feel uncomfortable to hear them referring to me as "my mommy". Even though I'm angry at their mom, too, I feel for her. Also, not only are dp and I not married, we don't even live together- so I guess I don't feel official enough or something. I would love it if they came up with an alternative special name for me, but I feel like they are sort of testing our relationship right now by calling me mom, and I don't want to come across as putting limits on how close we can be.
What are your thoughts and experiences?