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#1 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 10:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DSD's dance recital is on the same day/time as my family reunion.

Last night H tells ex that it wasn't even a question, that WE would be at the dance recital.

He didn't even talk to me about this at all. I was going to ask him to go alone so I could go with DD to my family reunion. There is family who have not seen her since last year's family reunion.

Now I'm under obligation to go to the dance recital... I honestly don't know how I would handle this if it were DD with a dance recital the same day, because that's such a far fetched daydream as in my world of reality I will never be able to afford dance class for my LO's.

But anyway...

WWYD? Go see your family that you haven't seen in a year? Or go to a dance recital for your step-kid?

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#2 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 10:18 AM
 
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Oh, your husband is sneaky. He put you smack dab between a rock and a hard place.

Easy to say no to him. Reasonable to say no to his ex. But to your step-daughter? He is slick.
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#3 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 10:20 AM
 
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Do whichever one you prefer and don't feel guilty about it. There's only one of you, and you can't be both places at once. Probably interacting with family will be more important than being a spectator at a recital, at least it would be for me. But don't feel guilty for wanting to see your family and letting them see your DD! She's only this age once.

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#4 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 10:38 AM
 
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I have been attending my SIL dance recitals since she was 7. She has always been in two classes, therefore has two routines. usually one before intermission, and one after. There have been times when I had a conflict in schedules or one of the kids in tow. Therefore I would come for her first routine, see her and present her with flowers during intermission, and then leave for before the second half of the show started.

I am assuming she will not be dancing ALL DAY, therefore, perhaps you can go, watch her routine, and then attend your reunion. Of course your H will give you a hard time about this. So just mentally prepare yourself for all the swearing and bashing, and be on your merry way.

And if this is something you plan on doing, keep it to yourself. Don't say a word about it to your H until the day of the recital, therefore he can be just as put out as you were when he answered his X for you without asking.
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#5 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 10:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I beleive her recital starts at 2, and she is like the 7th act? And it's a good 40 minutes away from where the reunion is. The timing is just not very good... if I go to the recital, I likely won't get back to the reunion until everyone is leaving the park.

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#6 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 11:40 AM
 
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I beleive her recital starts at 2, and she is like the 7th act? And it's a good 40 minutes away from where the reunion is. The timing is just not very good... if I go to the recital, I likely won't get back to the reunion until everyone is leaving the park.
I would assume with acts being roughly 3-5 minutes long, she would probably go on around 230ish?

What time does the reunion start?

If you went to the recital first, this would put you at the reunion around 3pm. Everyone would be leaving by then?

ORRRRRRRR, you could go to the reunion first and get to the recital around 215ish. I bet your daughter would take a nice 40 minute nap in the car.
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#7 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 11:46 AM
 
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Also, would your H fail to see the irony if he gives you any grief for going to be with your family (which is also his family, by marriage) instead of his family (which is also your family, by marriage), while he has clearly made exactly the same choice (presumably without any hint of guilt)?

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#8 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 01:09 PM
 
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It would be very amusing if this little game of his backfired and he (OP's H) had to get dragged along to both events
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#9 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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Not to downplay the importance of your SD's recital (I go to everything for my SS, just like "my own" kids), but I think the family reunion trumps it, especially if both of your SD's bio parents will be there to see her dance. And, yes, the baby should go to the reunion. One of the main reasons people plan family reunions is TO SEE the little ones, to "pass the baby"! At a dance recital, the baby would be - at best - superfluous; at worst, a crying nuisance.

The only "if" would be... Is the reunion a full-day event in the same city - or a town close enough that you could skip out for a few hours, attend the part of the recital where SD actually dances and go back?

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#10 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 05:54 PM
 
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Go to your reunion.

And take note, please, that the latest honeymoon period is ending and the bullying and guilt-tripping is starting up again.
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#11 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 07:45 PM
 
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If DP ever made a mistake like that (not realizing I had a family reunion planned), he'd tell me to go to the reunion with the baby, and would bring DSD as soon as she was done.

You are expecting, and don't need to go to 15 different events a day with a little baby.

Why would any husband be upset over a wife going to family reunion, and just bringing the performing/sports playing/insert kid-commitment in here - ever?

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#12 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JSMa View Post

Now I'm under obligation to go to the dance recital...
But anyway...

WWYD? Go see your family that you haven't seen in a year? Or go to a dance recital for your step-kid?
No. You are not under an obligation to go. Not unless you have given him full authority to make decisions for you...which I don't think you have.

I would go to the reunion. Dance recitals are ongoing events. Just tell dss's mom what happened.
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#13 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 07:57 PM
 
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I'd say, "DH, you must have forgotten that I already have plans for that day." Then I'd apologize to SD and tell her that you'd put her next recital on the schedule as soon as you got the date.

Don't feel guilty.

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#14 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 08:03 PM
 
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I'd say, "DH, you must have forgotten that I already have plans for that day." Then I'd apologize to SD and tell her that you'd put her next recital on the schedule as soon as you got the date.

Don't feel guilty.
Ditto. I'd simply chalk it up to a miscommunication on your dh's part and move on with your plans to take dd and go to your family reunion. You don't need to blow your sd off -- explain the mistake with love and compassion -- but you also don't need to throw your plans topsy turvy just because he said so.
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#15 of 23 Old 04-28-2010, 10:46 PM
 
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Have you been to a dance recital with a baby? I have, and I barely saw any of it. All other things aside, this is reason enough to go to the family reunion. Go to the dance recital, and you will spend the whole time in the hall with the toddling baby.

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#16 of 23 Old 04-29-2010, 01:19 AM
 
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There's your spin... "The baby isn't going to sit still through, that, she'll probably cry or yell and we'll be distracted and frazzled... I'm going to take the little one to my family reunion, where she won't bother you and you can focus on DSD."

~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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#17 of 23 Old 04-29-2010, 01:33 AM
 
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Just how big of a deal is this dance recital? I see your DSD is only 5.5 right? Assumming that's correct, I am sure that the recital isn't a huge deal, but if it's her last recital of the season, if it's a contest, there's an award ceremony afterwards or whatever, then that's a bigger deal than if it's just a "here's the routine we learned" thing.

Have you tried talking to your DSD? You obviously would be the best judge if that would make any sort of difference, but I do think that how important it is to HER should factor into your decision.

For DH and I, most times, what our kids are doing is more important than extended family. As an example, if DD(14) had a soccer game the same day that MIL had planned a family dinner, we go to the soccer game. No question, even if it's a no big deal game. On the rare occasion that both things hold equal importance, how DD feels about one of us missing, or about her missing (because sometimes, we will absolutly have her miss) that breaks the tie.

ETA: Having an 18 month old and being pg myself, I will also say that occasionally, the whole "I don't want to wrangle the baby while dealing with that" will also trump everything. DD had a soccer call out meeting for hs soccer and I ended up taking her and bringing the baby even though DH was home because he wanted to get the lawn mowed. But when I came back, I told him not again. Next time, the lawn waits, the pg mamma was too exhausted to try to keep the baby appropriately contained.
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#18 of 23 Old 04-29-2010, 10:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Go to your reunion.

And take note, please, that the latest honeymoon period is ending and the bullying and guilt-tripping is starting up again.

So not even in a honeymoon peiord. Just trying to play the appearance of family till I can secure a place to go... life has to go on somehow, or my life would be even more hellish at home if I started acting completley indifferent to everything.


The reunion isn't an all day event. It starts at 1 and generally ends around 5 ish for the picnic portion. An event is usually planned afterwards, like bowling, mini golf or something like that.

DSD only has one dance recital a year. And H has to stay the whole recital in order to get DSD when it's done (awards ceremony and finale act at end that DSD has to stay for), as he takes her afterwards and has her overnight for Father's day.

The past two years her recital has been on the Saturday of Father's Day weekend... My family reunion has been on that Saturday of Father's Day weekend for the last 20 years! So no, not an oversight by H, and even his ex knew my reunion was that day because that is how she asked him who all would be going to the recital because she knew my reunion was that day and that I was torn about what to do. He told her it wasn't a question that the recital was more important and that we would all be there.

Last year it worked that DSD's recital was the evening time, so H, DD, and I went to the reunion for a couple hours and then went to the recital... ended up missing DSD dance because by time we found parking and had to walk to the place, then DD needed a diaper change, we had missed her act by like 5 minutes. So H is determined not to miss it this year.

DD actually loved the dance rectial last year! Granted she was smaller and not as mobile. lol But she LOVES music and likes to dance already herself. She stood on my lap almost the whole recital last year and watched everything intently and danced along.

I am curious how well she'd do this year because she is walking, and always wants to be on the move now...


Maybe if I'm really lucky this won't even be an issue anyway because I will have found a place to go and won't be with H at this point, making my choice even easier.

Though as it stands now, I think I'm going to tell him he has to go on his own to the recital then meet up with us later at the reunion/activity whichever depending on time.

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#19 of 23 Old 04-29-2010, 10:49 AM
 
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Go to the family reunion. Maybe one of them will give you a place to go.
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#20 of 23 Old 04-29-2010, 12:34 PM
 
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"Though as it stands now, I think I'm going to tell him he has to go on his own to the recital then meet up with us later at the reunion/activity whichever depending on time."

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#21 of 23 Old 04-29-2010, 12:41 PM
 
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Go to the family reunion. Maybe one of them will give you a place to go.
Ask your family for help!!
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#22 of 23 Old 04-29-2010, 12:42 PM
 
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Go to the family reunion. Maybe one of them will give you a place to go.
ohhhhhhhhh, good thinking!
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#23 of 23 Old 04-29-2010, 12:43 PM
 
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Yes, dance recitals, even at 5.5 yo, are important (I have 3 dancers), but...

I also have a son, who absolutely wanted nothing to do with sitting through his sisters' (and every other kid at the studio) seemingly endless (to him) recital. So he stayed home or spent a day out with dad while I managed the girls.

You have more than one child. Sometimes you have to divide and conquer. Not every kid or family member can, or should have to, attend every event. It doesn't mean you love them less, it means that everyone in the family is deserving of respect for their choices.

Send dad with flowers, buy the DVD, and plan a family evening to watch the performance. Sometimes, it's even better because there are close ups, and you can replay your SD's part over and over again.

Good luck to you -- although I have read enough to understand that there are more issues at play here, I think you really need to give yourself a break from the guilt over the recital. You are just beginning the process of living as a multi-child family. It only gets busier!

Jill H.

(lucky mom to Amelia 20, Camille 17, Evan 15, and Gracie 12)
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