Join Date: May 2007
Location: by the ocean, lakes and mountains
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Open mouth - insert foot. I haven't felt this bad about something I did in a while. Long while.
So... For about 4 years I have been really good about being the "go to" person for dsd; her dad carried the discipline, lecture, "here is what the right thing to do", kind of guy, and I was the non-judgemental one, the one that only offers advice when asked, the one that dsd knew was "safe". We haven't had a direct argument in.. lets see.... 4 years!
Well... Lets fast forward to today, shall we? In the morning, dsd and dp share a quick argument over appropriate clothes, all resolved, she does make one not-so-nice comment to him, something about "do you want me to show you the finger?" They resolve it, move on, all's fine and dandy... She changes, we go out, have fun, everyone is smiling and helping out with a big project at someone else's house.
I find something really sweet DP wrote to his dad, when DP was a teen himself (and his dad was the kind of a UAV you cannot image). The letter really touches me. I'm between tears and super emotional, and overwhelemed with pride for the kind of person that DP is, and at the same time with disgust for his father. So... I share it with DSD, she giggles, and says "wow, this is really sweet". And what do I do??? Ya guessed it... I yell at her. I actually raised my voice on her, telling her that THIS is how you talk to your parents, not with "let me show you the finger", and swearing when you get upset, etc. etc. etc. Probably taking full 3 minutes on this. She goes from giddy by looking at her dad's letter, to grumpy, to crying.
I can't say I said the wrong thing, but the timing was awful, and the tone was awful, and it was just ugh... Not good.
Did I say "I'm sorry"? Yes. I did. A couple of times now. Is it working? I'm not so sure. (well, I'm sure it didn't the first time around, she walked off with "don't talk to me"). Now she's doing her homework. DP went out with her right after to talk, and calm her down, and now she's calm but distant. *sigh*
Will we get over this? I worked so hard to build the right kind of support for her, to always say the right thing, to step aside when needed, to jump in when needed. Today I feel like I set us back in time.
Words of wisdom? Anyone?
i think she will get over it. Expecting to be perfect isnt natural and never fighting with a teen, or anyone you live with, leads to think you might be bionic. Since you already apologized i would let it rest unless she brings it up again. Do you think that your losing it had anything to do with mothers day?
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It won't hurt her a bit to realize:
* Even nonjudgmental you feel frustrated when she's bratty to her dad.
* How it feels when someone you love - and want to feel loved BY - yells at you and says things that hurt your feelings, just because that person is feeling emotional. (Hmmmm...to whom does she do that???)
* You and she have really gotten to a point where you ought to be able to be a little more open about what you really think and feel. You really are a part of her life and a parental figure, who takes a lot of responsibility for her. You're no longer just someone who's trying to win her approval and who needs to be on your best behavior every second.
It's nice that you apologized - it shows her you do care about not screwing up the relationship. But you don't need to keep doing it. What you said wasn't wrong - and she knows it.
Your DP must be pretty great. You really seem to love him!
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