Did I just scratched 4 years of hard work? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 05-16-2010, 09:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Open mouth - insert foot. I haven't felt this bad about something I did in a while. Long while.

So... For about 4 years I have been really good about being the "go to" person for dsd; her dad carried the discipline, lecture, "here is what the right thing to do", kind of guy, and I was the non-judgemental one, the one that only offers advice when asked, the one that dsd knew was "safe". We haven't had a direct argument in.. lets see.... 4 years!

Well... Lets fast forward to today, shall we? In the morning, dsd and dp share a quick argument over appropriate clothes, all resolved, she does make one not-so-nice comment to him, something about "do you want me to show you the finger?" They resolve it, move on, all's fine and dandy... She changes, we go out, have fun, everyone is smiling and helping out with a big project at someone else's house.

HOURS LATER!
I find something really sweet DP wrote to his dad, when DP was a teen himself (and his dad was the kind of a UAV you cannot image). The letter really touches me. I'm between tears and super emotional, and overwhelemed with pride for the kind of person that DP is, and at the same time with disgust for his father. So... I share it with DSD, she giggles, and says "wow, this is really sweet". And what do I do??? Ya guessed it... I yell at her. I actually raised my voice on her, telling her that THIS is how you talk to your parents, not with "let me show you the finger", and swearing when you get upset, etc. etc. etc. Probably taking full 3 minutes on this. She goes from giddy by looking at her dad's letter, to grumpy, to crying.

I can't say I said the wrong thing, but the timing was awful, and the tone was awful, and it was just ugh... Not good.

Did I say "I'm sorry"? Yes. I did. A couple of times now. Is it working? I'm not so sure. (well, I'm sure it didn't the first time around, she walked off with "don't talk to me"). Now she's doing her homework. DP went out with her right after to talk, and calm her down, and now she's calm but distant. *sigh*

Will we get over this? I worked so hard to build the right kind of support for her, to always say the right thing, to step aside when needed, to jump in when needed. Today I feel like I set us back in time.

Words of wisdom? Anyone?

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#2 of 9 Old 05-16-2010, 11:24 PM
 
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i think she will get over it. Expecting to be perfect isnt natural and never fighting with a teen, or anyone you live with, leads to think you might be bionic. Since you already apologized i would let it rest unless she brings it up again. Do you think that your losing it had anything to do with mothers day?

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Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Open mouth - insert foot. I haven't felt this bad about something I did in a while. Long while.

So... For about 4 years I have been really good about being the "go to" person for dsd; her dad carried the discipline, lecture, "here is what the right thing to do", kind of guy, and I was the non-judgemental one, the one that only offers advice when asked, the one that dsd knew was "safe". We haven't had a direct argument in.. lets see.... 4 years!

Well... Lets fast forward to today, shall we? In the morning, dsd and dp share a quick argument over appropriate clothes, all resolved, she does make one not-so-nice comment to him, something about "do you want me to show you the finger?" They resolve it, move on, all's fine and dandy... She changes, we go out, have fun, everyone is smiling and helping out with a big project at someone else's house.

HOURS LATER!
I find something really sweet DP wrote to his dad, when DP was a teen himself (and his dad was the kind of a UAV you cannot image). The letter really touches me. I'm between tears and super emotional, and overwhelemed with pride for the kind of person that DP is, and at the same time with disgust for his father. So... I share it with DSD, she giggles, and says "wow, this is really sweet". And what do I do??? Ya guessed it... I yell at her. I actually raised my voice on her, telling her that THIS is how you talk to your parents, not with "let me show you the finger", and swearing when you get upset, etc. etc. etc. Probably taking full 3 minutes on this. She goes from giddy by looking at her dad's letter, to grumpy, to crying.

I can't say I said the wrong thing, but the timing was awful, and the tone was awful, and it was just ugh... Not good.

Did I say "I'm sorry"? Yes. I did. A couple of times now. Is it working? I'm not so sure. (well, I'm sure it didn't the first time around, she walked off with "don't talk to me"). Now she's doing her homework. DP went out with her right after to talk, and calm her down, and now she's calm but distant. *sigh*

Will we get over this? I worked so hard to build the right kind of support for her, to always say the right thing, to step aside when needed, to jump in when needed. Today I feel like I set us back in time.

Words of wisdom? Anyone?
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#3 of 9 Old 05-16-2010, 11:42 PM
 
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I don't have any words of wisdom, other than to give you Hugs. I remember being very similar to your DSD Some times we can't help the words that are comming out of our mouths- but you CAN show her with your actions that Every One messes up. Hang in there.

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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#4 of 9 Old 05-16-2010, 11:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
i think she will get over it. Expecting to be perfect isnt natural and never fighting with a teen, or anyone you live with, leads to think you might be bionic. Since you already apologized i would let it rest unless she brings it up again. Do you think that your losing it had anything to do with mothers day?


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No, we moved on from that one, and we had a really good week together. It had a lot to do with how she treats her dad, honestly. I was super mad with her grandfather, can't stand the man. And the whole folder - letter reminded me about it. I almost wrote him a letter/e-mail, but I don't think I should continue down the angry road today. Made enough of a mess already.

I made one more attempt of reaching out to DSD before bedtime. Just came to her room and talked about it for a little, calmly, that I really didn't mean to lose it on her, and I meant my "I'm sorry". She said she was sorry too, and that she has trouble expressing herself the right way when she's angry with her dad. And we both were teary. I left with a "thank you for listening", and it felt like a calm good thing all around.

What will next week bring us? This is so draining emotionally.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#5 of 9 Old 05-16-2010, 11:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by yarngoddess View Post
I don't have any words of wisdom, other than to give you Hugs. I remember being very similar to your DSD Some times we can't help the words that are comming out of our mouths- but you CAN show her with your actions that Every One messes up. Hang in there.
thank you s

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#6 of 9 Old 05-17-2010, 09:43 AM
 
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This will pass. You have four years of building a good relationship with her that she can trust. People are perfect. You have shown her that you can apologize for your mistakes, too. Just keep trying to treat her in a way that she trusts, and she will come around.

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
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#7 of 9 Old 05-17-2010, 02:19 PM
 
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Go easy on yourself.

Sure, you shouldn't get into a regular habit of interacting with her like that. Sounds like you don't plan on it!

But so many times, you have been so hurt for your DP, over how she talks to him. It sounds like you just couldn't keep it in anymore. Nobody's "perfect"!!

It won't hurt her a bit to realize:
* Even nonjudgmental you feel frustrated when she's bratty to her dad.
* How it feels when someone you love - and want to feel loved BY - yells at you and says things that hurt your feelings, just because that person is feeling emotional. (Hmmmm...to whom does she do that???)
* You and she have really gotten to a point where you ought to be able to be a little more open about what you really think and feel. You really are a part of her life and a parental figure, who takes a lot of responsibility for her. You're no longer just someone who's trying to win her approval and who needs to be on your best behavior every second.

It's nice that you apologized - it shows her you do care about not screwing up the relationship. But you don't need to keep doing it. What you said wasn't wrong - and she knows it.

Your DP must be pretty great. You really seem to love him!

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#8 of 9 Old 05-17-2010, 03:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post

It won't hurt her a bit to realize:
* Even nonjudgmental you feel frustrated when she's bratty to her dad.
* How it feels when someone you love - and want to feel loved BY - yells at you and says things that hurt your feelings, just because that person is feeling emotional. (Hmmmm...to whom does she do that???)
* You and she have really gotten to a point where you ought to be able to be a little more open about what you really think and feel. You really are a part of her life and a parental figure, who takes a lot of responsibility for her. You're no longer just someone who's trying to win her approval and who needs to be on your best behavior every second.

It's nice that you apologized - it shows her you do care about not screwing up the relationship. But you don't need to keep doing it. What you said wasn't wrong - and she knows it.

Your DP must be pretty great. You really seem to love him!
You are very right about everything.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#9 of 9 Old 05-21-2010, 05:38 AM
 
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I think that you really made a good connection again with DSD! You approached her and were sincere (they can tell when you aren't, kinda like how animals can smell fear lol) and you showed her that you really didn't mean to loose it.

I think that just knowing the behavior you do Not want to exhibit will go a long way in preventing you from having slip ups! You really have come a long way in 4 years, and I don't think that's going to be erased just by one or two slip up's! Be easy with yourself, and trust that she know's how you really feel! Glad you had more positive contact with her

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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