Misunderstanding with adult SD, did I make a bad move? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 05-18-2010, 08:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The week before mother's day, DSD and DGD were over (so was SS, and the other DGD) Well, as SD was leaving, she said that she would see us the next Sat afternoon, they stay with us because they are 2 hours away. Well, as she was leaving I let her know that we were supposed to go to my parents house for a Mother's day dinner on that Sat evening, and of course everyone was welcome, but apparently, all she heard was me saying that we had plans, and she just left


Well, DH tells me today that she told him that she felt unwelcome over here, because of what I said (that was misheard, I assume) and there is just a yucky feeling that she has about being welcome here (she is)

Well, I don't like icky things being left unsaid, so I emailed her this morning and told her that she is always welcome, and I explained about what I had said that day when she was leaving (perhaps she didn't hear well because she was on her way out the door. (she said I was "quick" to say that we were busy, but I was trying to let her know the deal before she left and they were on the way out)

It wasn't a long dragged out email, I ended telling her that I was here if she ever wanted to talk. it was simple, short and to the point. The reason I even sent it was because I would have hated for her to feel that she was unwelcome over here.

I asked DH about it, and he said that she called him when she got my email, she called it a "page long" (it was a paragraph, and not a long one) and said that she didn't know how to respond, so she didn't. She just called and talked to DH on speaker, I felt soo uncomfortable, I hate feeling misunderstood, and that she feels like she is putting me out (she isn't)

I want to talk to her, but think it would be a mistake to try and k=make contact with her again

I really had no idea how difficult this blended family thing would be with adult children. Add expectations and grandchildren, and who knows WHAT to make of it.

Now I feel so awkward.

Did I make a mistake trying to send her an email?? (it was in no way confrontational) I am a sweet person, and mean nothing but the best, I have kind intentions. I hate feeling misunderstood.

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#2 of 7 Old 05-18-2010, 08:40 PM
 
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sounds perfect to me. i have not had a step parent as an adult, so no btdt, but if i were your sd, and my feelings got hurt, your email would have the thing to fix it.

Bring back the old MDC
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#3 of 7 Old 05-18-2010, 09:01 PM
 
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Seems to me that there is nothing you can do beyond what you already have. If your SD wants to hold a grudge because of a simple misunderstanding it is because she has other issues/baggage that you cannot do anything about.

I am an adult SD and one of the issues I used to have was trouble dealing with the fact that my father had an outside life that wasn't centered around me. That, in fact, had nothing to do with me. So one thing that she may be experiencing is this alienation, brought home to her by the fact that your prior comittment was to your parents house...people she may not even see as family (thus why are they taking presidence over her?). I know for me it took me years to unravel all this stuff. There won't be anything you can do to help except be open and loving to her...as you already are/have been.
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#4 of 7 Old 05-18-2010, 09:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post
Seems to me that there is nothing you can do beyond what you already have. If your SD wants to hold a grudge because of a simple misunderstanding it is because she has other issues/baggage that you cannot do anything about.

I am an adult SD and one of the issues I used to have was trouble dealing with the fact that my father had an outside life that wasn't centered around me. That, in fact, had nothing to do with me. So one thing that she may be experiencing is this alienation, brought home to her by the fact that your prior comittment was to your parents house...people she may not even see as family (thus why are they taking presidence over her?). I know for me it took me years to unravel all this stuff. There won't be anything you can do to help except be open and loving to her...as you already are/have been.
Ya know, I think you may be on to something, thanks for the insight. I wish it didn't feel so horrible though

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#5 of 7 Old 05-19-2010, 12:38 PM
 
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It sounds like you did the best you could. As a PP said, she may just have her own issues to work through.

Being a stepparent (to adults or children) is harder than people who haven't done it could ever realize. And no, it's not reasonable to expect that you "knew what you were getting into." No one does. It sounds like you're doing fine, and hopefully this situation will resolve. Best of luck.

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#6 of 7 Old 05-19-2010, 10:23 PM
 
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It can be really hard to read "tone" in an email. Why not call her, tell her you think the two of you had a misunderstanding, and ask if there's some way you can get together for coffee or something because you'd hate to have it fester.
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#7 of 7 Old 05-20-2010, 07:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
It can be really hard to read "tone" in an email. Why not call her, tell her you think the two of you had a misunderstanding, and ask if there's some way you can get together for coffee or something because you'd hate to have it fester.
Yes, I may wait a few days and do this.

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