How to tell him? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 05-20-2010, 12:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, my situation is complicated and I would love some advice from anyone that has been anywhere close to this situation before.

My divorce will be final sometime in the next month or so (fingers crossed). I have a 2 year old DD, we have shared physical custody, and her dad is very involved in her life and is an excellent father. The divorce has been reasonably amicable, as these things go. We're divorcing for many reasons, but ultimately I fell in love with someone else. Not proud of it, wish I could undo much of the past year, but it is what it is.

DP and I have been more or less living together for the past several months. STBX knows that we are still together, but we really don't talk about it very much, if at all. He (STBX) is still pretty mad about everything, but we have a tentative peace between us, and are coparenting well.

So, the thing is that I just found out I am pregnant. Not planned, very surprising, but DP and I will welcome this LO with love. I wish I could be more happy about it, but am sick with worry about telling STBX. I am terrified of how he will react, how this will change our relationship, what effect this will have on our DD. It changes everything, of course.

Any advice, been there done that stories? This is hard, mamas, and I'd appreciate any words of wisdom. Thanks in advance.
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#2 of 6 Old 05-20-2010, 02:13 PM
 
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Do you have a divorce lawyer? I'd actually start there, because your pregnancy could have implications for your divorce. In some states, a child of a pregnancy that occurs during the marriage, or a birth that happens within 10 months of the divorce, is presumed to be the child of the husband. That presumption can be overcome easily with DNA testing (some states also allow it to be overcome by stipulation without DNA testing), but it still might throw a wrench into things.

That would inform how I would tell my STBX.

Good luck. This can't be easy.

ProtoLawyer (the now-actual lawyer, this isn't legal advice,  please don't take legal advice from some anonymous yahoo on the Internet)
Spouse (the political geek) * Stepdaughter (the artist) * and introducing...the Baby (um, he's a baby? He likes shiny things).
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#3 of 6 Old 05-20-2010, 02:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks. I'm actually hoping just to get everything signed and then 'discover' that I am pregnant, given that it is still so early. I'd really really like to avoid having to involve the courts in this if possible. Paperwork was started in Jan, we're done with the waiting period and about to sign the settlement agreement, so really very very close to finalizing it.
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#4 of 6 Old 05-20-2010, 03:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carriemama View Post
Thanks. I'm actually hoping just to get everything signed and then 'discover' that I am pregnant, given that it is still so early. I'd really really like to avoid having to involve the courts in this if possible. Paperwork was started in Jan, we're done with the waiting period and about to sign the settlement agreement, so really very very close to finalizing it.
You should really investigate the laws in your state... because if it's one where any child born within 10 months after the divorce is presumed to be a child of the marriage, that would still throw a monkey wrench into things no matter when you officially discover you are pregnant because your STBX (or then-ex) would be that child's legal father...

Also, it may be the case that in your state it is a simple matter to disestablish paternity for your STBX and establish your DP as the father as part of the court proceedings.

Really, do some research on just what the legal implications are.
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#5 of 6 Old 05-20-2010, 04:47 PM
 
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I agree to look into the laws... that's not something I'd want to be surprised by later on down the line, and certainly not during the emotional time of pregnancy and divorce.

As far as telling your ex, there's no need to jump into that. It probably will change things. The first year or two of divorce and co-parenting is HARD and it is an ever-changing landscape. Pregnancy hormones will complicate an already emotional time for you... I would keep it under wraps for a while... We never told my husband's ex about my pregnancies until I was a good 5-6 months along... pretty much until I couldn't hide it anymore.

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#6 of 6 Old 05-20-2010, 05:29 PM
 
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You don't say how far along you are - if you're only a few weeks, then I certainly wouldn't think about telling him before you're much farther along. If the divorce is going to wrap up in the next couple of weeks, then I'd just let that happen and announce the pregnancy more naturally once you're farther along - second trimester, say, or when you're starting to show. There's really no need to rush it.

It'll change things, sure. But I think that's a good reason to wait until the legalities of your divorce are all squared away. If your ex is still hurt by the split, finding out that your pregnant is going to be an additional blow as he's signing those papers. The divorce should help grant him some closure - finding out about your little one should ideally come after that.

BTW - a friend of mine had a baby before she was legally divorced in a state that automatically considers a husband to be the father, and she was able to get the proper man's name on the birth certificate without a fuss. I would research that, but don't worry about it too much at this point.
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