Grandparents not coming to visit - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 05-27-2010, 10:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My step-son (10, lives with us, Mom's in California) just got a card from his Mom's parents, who live near her. They just wanted to tell him they're traveling to this area around the time of his birthday, but to visit other people! And they sure are excited to see him in a month, when he gets "home" to CA (for his summer visit with his Mom)!

WTH?

According to all the lip service, they "love him more than anything". While he was living out there with his Mom (before the custody change ~ 2 years ago), the openly-acknowledged plan was that Grandpa was going to be my step-son's new father-figure. (Mom was clear that her main reason for moving there was to get my step-son away from my husband.) They even went so far as getting my step-son to start using his mother's maiden name (Grandpa's last name) instead of my husband's.

But despite my step-son's "supreme importance" to them - being "like a son" and all - it's too much effort to stop by and see him while they're in the area? On his birthday? And they have to tell him that?

If they (and their daughter) weren't so hung up on the idea that everything MUST be separate (when my step-son lived in CA, his Dad shouldn't have gone out there to visit; and now, the consequence to my step-son of being back here is that he'll hardly get to see his Mom and her family, because their lives are in CA)...If not for all that B.S., they could come to his *#@ birthday party! We always send them an invitation - and my step-son's Mom. We also send them holidays cards with photos of my step-son. They send the stuff back.

Luckily, my step-son really doesn't care. He's not attached to the grandparents at all and that's always been very clear. But ! Their approach to children - and their daughter's - is SO different from mine - so s.u.p.e.r.f.i.c.i.a.l., it just makes me sometimes.

When my ex and his wife have traveled to CA while my step-son was out there, they have tried to arrange to see him and take him to a movie or the zoo or something. My parents definitely would. And none of them are even technically related to him.

Grrrrrrrrr.......

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#2 of 10 Old 05-27-2010, 10:24 PM
 
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I would guess they dont think you want them around.....................grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! !!!!!!! for them.
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#3 of 10 Old 05-27-2010, 10:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would guess they dont think you want them around.....................grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! !!!!!!! for them.
We don't exactly enjoy being around their daughter, either. But we certainly support her coming to visit and make my step-son available to her, when she does!

I forgot to mention, the grandparents make their living as freelance travel writers. They travel all over the world, but mostly the US. They don't work for anyone and set their own schedule. They could do an article on our city - or a city near us - and come see their "beloved" grandson. That is what they do with all their other relatives.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#4 of 10 Old 05-28-2010, 01:39 PM
 
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it is puzzling for sure, i don't get it at all either.

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#5 of 10 Old 05-28-2010, 02:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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it is puzzling for sure, i don't get it at all either.
Unfortunately, I do get it, but it's part of really yucky dynamics that are like fingernails on a chalkboard to me and that I wish my step-son weren't exposed to.

The grandparents used to send my step-son e-mails claiming they'd called (when there was no record of them calling - or any missed calls - on caller i.d.) and that my husband or I had answered, but hung up on them.

My step-son has owned a cell phone since he was 6. When he was younger, my husband had a rule that he could only call or answer calls from numbers that were programmed into his phone (not unknown #s). So the grandparents gave us one number to program into his phone, but then always called him from other numbers. Like, even though they have cell phones, they would call from land lines at places they were visiting. That was another way for them to complain that my husband "kept V. from talking to them".

They'll ruin the surprise and tell my step-son whatever exciting gift they've bought for his birthday, only to follow up with, "Too bad we can't send it to you!" Then they'll tell him his Mom sent him some neat thing, but it "disappeared" (i.e., my husband or I "intercepted" it and wouldn't let him have it) and they don't want the same thing to happen to their wonderful gift, so he'll just have to wait and play with it "at home", in California.

Actually talking to my step-son, or visiting him, or even sending him a gift on his birthday takes a MAJOR back seat to trying to create the impression that my husband is some evil guy, maliciously blocking my step-son's relationships with the people who "really love him"...

This latest thing is no different. If you're coming into town and genuinely have such a packed schedule that you don't have an hour to come and take your grandchild out for a milkshake, why would you tell your grandchild you're in town? Just keep it to yourself. It's not like we know anyone they might know, out here. We'd never know they were around, except that they made a point of writing my step-son and telling him. And he's very clear, from all the prior indoctrination he's received, that they "can't" visit him, if he's with his Dad, because his Dad's "bad" and "dangerous".

Y-U-C-K! ! !

I hope living with us keeps my step-son from copying some of these patterns, in his adult life. Because they've led to a lot of heartache, for his Mom.

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#6 of 10 Old 05-29-2010, 07:49 PM
 
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My stepgrandmother has done this to me twice now. Come to visit her OTHER grandchildren and great-grandchildren a couple of hours away, taken extended trips in the opposite direction to see "old friends," and emailed me to tell me about it. She also sends my kids birthday and holiday gifts from the bargain bin at TJ Maxx, visibly scuffed up, sometimes with price tags attached (under $5, in every case, although she is well off).

She's the only grandmother I've ever known (biograndma died before I was born, and she's a step to all of her kids, so I don't know why my branch is singled out for the disregard). My mom says she's mentally ill and caught up in years of creepy family dynamics. There's no way around it, and she is not going to get better. But I sure do feel your pain. It sucks doubly that there's the ongoing blended situation, so you can't really be as forthright as me in explaining that Grandma has a screw loose and not to take it personally. Nor can you intercept hurtful communications as I do. But if your dss is not bonded to these people, then probably their weirdness is not going to do long-term damage. My kids couldn't care less about this woman. Most kids can spot a fake a mile away, especially if they are surrounded by genuine love at home.
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#7 of 10 Old 06-04-2010, 09:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, he just got a follow-up "letter" from them. It's a promo flyer for the luxury hotel where they stayed, with a note about how fancy it was and that my step-son "really would have loved it".

Again, WTH??

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#8 of 10 Old 06-04-2010, 10:28 AM
 
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Since you're already being accused of intercepting his mail - maybe you should start. That was just cruel.
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#9 of 10 Old 06-04-2010, 01:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post
So, he just got a follow-up "letter" from them. It's a promo flyer for the luxury hotel where they stayed, with a note about how fancy it was and that my step-son "really would have loved it".

Again, WTH??
That is insane. What is wrong with these people?

I suppose it does give some insight on why his mom is the way she is.

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#10 of 10 Old 06-04-2010, 01:42 PM
 
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Since you're already being accused of intercepting his mail - maybe you should start. That was just cruel.


I think you need to protect him while he's in your custody. They sound like incredibly toxic people.

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