Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Queenstown, MD
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I know she will come to him someday with questions, or she will completely shut him out for lying to her for her entire life, it's really not far from that now. (Who knows, maybe she already suspects?) I don't want that to happen. I have done a lot of research on the subject, and it points to telling the truth. I know from my perspective, I would want to know.
Frankly, I feel that if the truth were to come out, it might heal the family somewhat, since there is always an underlying tension.
You should stay out of it.
You're right: if there's already distance, it won't help for the daughter to figure out this isn't even her "real" father. But how would it be different if her distant father made a point of telling her he's not even her "real" father? The damage would be the same. Worse, potentially, if your husband angers the grandmother, who encourages or forces the daughter to cut off contact with him.
You also need to consider that the grandmother - while you may disagree with her - is the one who has raised these children for, what, a decade? Your husband could have fought for custody when his ex-wife abandoned them, but he didn't. Normally, one expects a grandparent to defer to the parent's wishes about how to raise the child, but in this case it is the grandmother who deserves the deference.
You've given no compelling reason why the daughter needs to know. Does she have an actual medical condition that makes it urgent? Plenty of adopted kids, or kids with poor family connections get through life just fine without a detailed medical history. Based on what you've described, getting along with the grandmother and finding non-confrontational ways of getting closer to the girls sounds much more important than insisting on revealing this factoid.