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#1 of 6 Old 06-14-2010, 10:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am in the process of a divorce with my ex, who is the acting father of my 11 yo and bio dad of my 4 yo. We were together for 10 years, and in that time he never had a job for more than a year, and would often go months/years without one, forcing me to work 2 or more jobs. There are a million other irresponsibilities, but it would take to long to list. We had been having issues and had separate bedrooms for years. I re-met my childhood sweetheart and we fell back in love. To be honest, I had always thought of him as the one I should have married who got away. I told my ex that I was going, and I make sure he sees the kids, and often run errands for him every weekend when I bring him the kids, since he has no car and no way would I let them ride with him anyway, he drives terrifyingly.. He is persisting in acting like a total jerk, and saying things that are just enough truth to deny the lies, kwim? I am just sick of it. It hurts my kids, and that makes me killing mad. To top things off, my mother, who used to be very close to me, sides with the ex. I know there is no answer, and I do have an awesome man who supports me and the kids and treats us like gold. I don't expect any quick fixes, just needed a safe place to vent and not be judged. Thanks for reading this far.
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#2 of 6 Old 06-14-2010, 10:53 PM
 
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I just have hugs for you, and commiseration. I also want to promise you that--although new challenges will always present themselves--it *does* get better.

I'm not going to judge you at all because my situation is very similar. I know how much my ex hurt(s) and I have a LOT of guilt and regret about that. I am sure that I always will.

On the other hand, he has failed on so many occasions to separate his anger towards me with his responsibilities to our dd. I worry about her and the effect this has on her. I try to deal with it as best I can--by being honest with her (to the extent that is age-appropriate--she's only three now!) and being totally loving to her and supportive of whatever she is feeling. What else can I do?

My parents totally sided with my ex in the beginning, too--but I've been quite surprised at how quickly they turned around. Maybe yours will, too, as time goes on and they see how your ex behaves? Regardless, you need to take care of yourself and stand up for yourself--both to your parents and to your ex.

I struggle with this. When we feel guilty, we often let ourselves be treated badly. But if you are going to heal or move on from this, you need to start accepting the choice that you made (and it sounds like it was a good one for you) and hold your head high.

So many hugs and so much luck to you--I feel everything you are going through!

Mama to a beautiful girl since May 2007 and a beautiful boy since August 2010! :
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#3 of 6 Old 06-14-2010, 11:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you...I mean it, really, thank you. Sometimes I feel like my love and I and the kids are stranded in a sea of BS and pain and rage and we are the only adults acting adult in the world. I needed someone to tell me I wasn't an evil !@#$% and the cause of all that is bad, you know?
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#4 of 6 Old 06-15-2010, 07:09 AM
 
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My ex and I get along just fine now (we're friends, we just really had no business trying to share a life together, but were too young to see that, at the time...). But when we split up, he was c-le-a-r-l-y behaving like a selfish jerk and he slept with someone else. He left me with 2-year-old twins with special needs... And my mother still made me feel like it was my fault. If I would have just made a bigger effort to get along with and please him, I wouldn't have lost this "great catch". As a teen, I had trouble getting along with her and see where it got me? Evidently I couldn't get along with anyone!

As I'm sure you know, that was just what I needed to hear at the time from my mother!

I think she was just worried for what my future would be like on my own and perhaps a bit embarassed about people knowing her daughter's life had become a mess. It's petty, but I think most parents like to be able to say their adult children are doing fabulously and never fail at anything... it shows they raised them right, right? My mother got over it and I'm sure yours will, too.

As for your ex, on one hand I'm tempted to say he's just angry and will also adjust eventually and stop saying inappropriate things to your kids. Give him some time. On the other hand, we've dealt with A LOT of such insidious half-truths with my step-son and his mother. I know it's beyond annoying: it can be legitimately confusing and damaging to the kids. It's not the worst type of effort at parental alienation, but it IS one. Only you really understand the full extent of it and how deeply it's affecting your kids, but you need to weigh the damage he's doing against the damage that would be done if you asked the court to (at least temporarily) reduce his access to the kids because of this. Understand, I'm generally the LAST person to advocate reducing a NC father's access to the kids, but this could be a legitimate reason for doing so. Divorce is hard enough for kids without being burdened with the adult issues or pressured to take sides.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#5 of 6 Old 06-15-2010, 09:57 AM
 
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I feel like this was me that wrote that post! Our situations are so similar.

There was a point in time when I first started going through my divorce that my parents (and everyone in general) thought that I was the bad guy. I started dating someone else because I had fallen out of love with my husband and his verbally abusing nature. I couldn't do anything right, so why stay there and continue doing nothing that amounted to anything? My only way out was finding someone else, because my ex left me with NO strength left of my own.

That being said, I still felt like I had an obligation to him. For a while I still bought him birthday/Christmas gifts, I would listen to him when he would talk about his "problems" and I honestly still genuinely felt attached to him in some way. It caused me a lot of grief. I finally had to put up an "I don't care" attitude and stop worrying about him. I feel much better since I did that. I've really moved on. Sure, there are times he still gets to me, but I get over it a lot quicker.

It sounds like you need to do something similar. Sure, he may be the father/father figure to your children, but you have no responsibilities to uphold for him anymore. If he wants to be a responsible parent then he needs to get a job and act like one. He needs to find a way to run his own errands. If you feel badly about stopping them cold turkey, then wean him off. If he has a laundry list of stuff for you to do then just do a few and say you don't have time for the rest, and keep doing that until you have weaned yourself off of his chores.

My ex may have a job, but he provides nothing for my child. His mom buys her clothes and food for when she stays with him. So, one day she will see that. Children figure stuff out on their own. But, you have to be that awesome role model that shows them that they don't have to put up with certain behavior.

Hugs to you and I hope you can find a peace where you will be so happy with your new life.

Christie, DP to Kevin, mama to DD Morgen (12/07) & DSS Matthew (7/03)
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#6 of 6 Old 06-24-2010, 03:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, btw my name is also Christie. You are the only other person I have ever known to spell it this way. Just wanted to let everyone know how much the replies meant to me. Thank you all, for the public posts and PM's. I know I will find my way, but I also know how much better it is with friends. Thanks again, going to go cry now.
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