Absent father wanting visitation, help? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 06-17-2010, 04:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK. In short:

15 yr. old child who has not seen her father since she was a toddler.

Father now wants to see her. He lives out of state.

Just briefly, can someone tell me what is likely to happen in such a case?

Thanks!
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#2 of 7 Old 06-17-2010, 05:59 PM
 
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Is he trying to get visitation in court or has he just contacted you? If he went to court and you did not try to terminate parental rights before hand he would probably be able to get visitation but not out of state first, although 15 is pretty old so maybe. I think the best you could get is he has to come to town a few times and spend time with your child before he would be able to get visitation in his town.

this is not legal advice. If he doesn't go to court it is up to you and your daughter at to decide what to do. Good luck

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#3 of 7 Old 06-17-2010, 06:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you. I am not opposed to visitation. I am opposed to putting my young teen on a plane and flying her somewhere to meet a stranger. He can come visit any time and if she wants to go see him at his home that's ok too. But small steps, ya know? Just curious what anyone thought as we've never been in this position, obviously. No, he has not filed with court yet. I do believe he is about to though. I think this will be a good thing for her but I want to make her comfortable. She's old enough to have a big say, I think. I know she'll want to see him, I just think instant long distance, long time-wise, visits would freak her out.
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#4 of 7 Old 06-17-2010, 06:16 PM
 
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My children's father lives out of state & he is not allowed to take them out of the city where I live. Those rules were set by me & if he wants to see them that's what he has to do. We were never married & there hasn't been any court intervention, so I have full custody of the girls & I say how things work. (I don't want to sound like a power tripper. There are good reasons for what I've decided)
So, you have the power right now.
I would definitely hire a lawyer though if you think he's going to court even if you don't necessarily want to fight his requests. I know it can get expensive, but I think it's worth it. If it's possible you could also sit down with him with a mediator & try to work it out between you before going to court.
You haven't seen this guy in how long? Do you trust him? Do you really think he's a good guy? (These aren't questions I'm asking you to answer in this forum...just for you to think about.)
I hope it all goes smoothly for you & your daughter.

Mama to DD#1 2001 reading.gif, DD#2 2002 2whistle.gif, dog2.gif, & cat.gif. Me & my man partners.gifbelly.gif June 2014.
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#5 of 7 Old 06-18-2010, 11:38 AM
 
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He wants your daughter to fly out to see him, when he hasn't seen her in YEARS? Really?

I would tell him that he can come to your area and see her there, and that's the nicest thing I'd do.

Does she know about this? What does she say?

DD 2/08
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#6 of 7 Old 06-18-2010, 01:29 PM
 
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We've had the same type of situation happen although we never made it to actual visits. My 14 yo ds's biological father has called us a few times in the past wanting to set up visitation (usually when the child support people catch up with him). He has seen his son three times in his life, all of them when he was under 2. Last I heard, he didn't live in our state but he moves a lot.

As I don't know anything about his father, what his lifestyle is like, etc, I was not willing to allow unsupervised right off the bat. As his biological father didn't want me involved in any way, I set it up for the initial meeting to be at a counselor's office. Our plan was that the counselor would oversee 2 hour meetings for 4 times or so and then, depending on what ds wanted and what the counselor saw in those meetings, we would allow trips to restaurants, etc. This was when my ds was 12. I devised this plan after biological father called a couple of times really wanting to meet ds. Unfortunately, after those two calls, he never would call back and didn't respond to emails.

That was my plan as I really didn't feel comfortable just sending my son off with some stranger, even though he is his biological father. Of course, a big part that played into it was that biological father had been abusive and a drug user when I knew him so YMMV.
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#7 of 7 Old 06-19-2010, 05:01 PM
 
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Talk to a lawyer. I can see why you want your dd to eventually meet her biodad, but at this late date, I really think you'd serve her better to put all that off until she's 18 and in college and can tell him to meet her at a coffee shop in the city where she lives. Then, if he shows up, she had some recourse if she doesn't care for what he has to say. She can call him a UAV and walk right out the door. I wouldn't put my teenager in the physical custody of a man she didn't know if there was any way to avoid it. I think you can probably avoid it, but not without a lawyer's guidance.
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