Moving in together? - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 6 Old 06-25-2010, 11:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
RainbowTurtle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 614
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Looking for some BTDT advice please.

We've been dating for nearly two years, everyone has adjusted well and we're talking about moving in together in the next 6-12 months. We live in separate houses at the moment. My house is too small for all of us, his house would work for all of us for now. We would want to add a bedroom eventually, which is possible to do over the garage.

His house is perfect for us, as far as location, features, etc. (except for the missing bedroom but that can be fixed). My question is, how likely is it to become OUR house? Are his DC ever going to think of it as our collective house or will it always in their minds be their house? It's the house they've always lived in, that their mom used to be in too (she's still in the picture, but is not terribly involved). I'm concerned about resentment as their dad and I change things, everything from removing some of the existing furniture, adding some of mine, painting rooms ... never mind simply adjusting to all of us living together full-time.

I know there's an adjustment period to moving in together, but I'm wondering about whether this is adding a very difficult to overcome twist?

We could sell his house to move into a new-to-everyone home, but the odds of finding the same set of features are pretty slim. I wonder if it would be a good sacrifice to make, for the sake of our new family unit? Would moving all of us create even more resentment???

I'm talking myself into circles!!! Help? Anyone BTDT? What was your experience? Thank you!

Me treehugger.gif+ Him eat.gif + DD flower.gif + DSS1 guitar.gif + DSS2 REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif

RainbowTurtle is offline  
#2 of 6 Old 06-25-2010, 11:52 AM
 
MPJJJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I'm Positively thinking Positive!
Posts: 3,341
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would find a new home together. The kids are always going to think of their house as theirs, it has all their memories of their life together with their mom. I am sure they will be very unhappy to have you and your kids come in and start changing things, where if you all find a new house it will be new to everyone, and it won't have old ties.
MPJJJ is offline  
#3 of 6 Old 06-25-2010, 12:53 PM
 
mandib50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: my own reality
Posts: 4,860
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
we had the opposite experience, dh moved into my home that i had shared with my ex. granted he didn't have kids, but he never felt like the house was his and it was hard for him. moving into our own home was a wonderful thing for our whole family. good luck.

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

mandib50 is offline  
#4 of 6 Old 06-25-2010, 12:58 PM
 
MPJJJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I'm Positively thinking Positive!
Posts: 3,341
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Posting again... that was my experience as well Mandi... first he stayed in my house and it was hard because it wasn't 'his', all our memories were of my ex husband. Then his mom moved out of the house he grew up in and we moved in because it seemed like a great deal, but it was hard for us too. There were way too many memories that I knew about, for example this is the room (and the bed!) that he lost his virginity in... this is the bathroom that he used to take showers with his ex girlfriend, ect. No matter what we did, completely repainted and replaced the flooring, it was still hard for me to see the house as ours. We then chose a house together and moved in and it has been so much easier, it is OURS, from the very start. It is much smaller than his old house, a little more expensive, but it has been worth it. We can build new memories together, not have old ones hanging around wherever we look.
MPJJJ is offline  
#5 of 6 Old 06-25-2010, 01:05 PM
 
-Resque-'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 235
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We've had a great experience. I have now lived with my fiancee and his daughter for a year... I moved into the house he shared with his ex-wife and that H has spent her entire life in. There has never been a problem... and she has a VERY involved mom. She LOVES, and has from the beginning, coming home from time with her mom to see what changes we've made. She will often refer to things she's done there before I moved in, but will laugh and say, "It feels like you've always lived here, so I forget!"

Granted, there has really never been a rocky moment in our relationship, so take this with a grain of salt. I will say that I was the one who had a slight problem in the beginning... it felt to me at first that it was Ex-Wife's house, and not my own... I'm the only one who felt that way, however, and I adjusted really quickly. Oh, it was slightly awkward the first time H's mom came to get her from the house- she hovered on the doorstep a minute and waited to be invited in. Kind of strange for both of us.

We do intend to move in the next year, but it has nothing to do with it being "their" house.

  angel1.gif 03/11 angel1.gif 07/11 angel1.gif 01/12 

If at first you don't succeed: babyboy.gif 07/26/13

-Resque- is offline  
#6 of 6 Old 06-28-2010, 02:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
RainbowTurtle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 614
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you for your replies. We've got some thinking to do!

Me treehugger.gif+ Him eat.gif + DD flower.gif + DSS1 guitar.gif + DSS2 REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif

RainbowTurtle is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off