abc...allow a move? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 2 Old 07-07-2010, 04:08 PM - Thread Starter
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hello, i am new to this forum so i'll provide a brief background. my husband and his ex met and got pregnant in city A. during the pregnancy, they moved to city B so husband could finish school. they divorced when my SS was 6 months and ex moved herself and SS to city C, about 7 hours away. my husband stayed in city B to finish school. when he finished, he was only able to find work back in city A. A and C are about 5 hours apart and a short direct flight. my husband and i met in city A when SS was almost 3 and we married when he was 6. he is now 9. we have a new son who is almost 2. we have had regular twice a month with SS and longer visits in the summer (4 weeks). overall, although there was tension in the beginning, things are fairly calm with visitation and we and the ex try to accomodate each other. the issue is this: the ex has now decided that she wants to move back to city B. it would be a stretch but we could do it and maintain somewhat regular visitation (maybe down to once a month). my hesitation, however, is that there's a guy in the background. ex has been engaged twice in the last 3 years; in each time she met the guy and within month was engaged. and within months, broke it off. that's actually what happened with my husband but they got pregnant. the breaking off of the last engagement was tough on my SS. we were pregnant and he was really hoping his mom would marry and have a baby too so he could have more siblings (he'd been dying for a sibling for years)--one here, and one there. my SS has told us about this guy and that he lives in city B. so i am concerned that ex wants to move only to be with the guy and will repeat the pattern of breaking up after a few months. there's no doubt she loves her kid more than anything, but she's also exposed him now to 2 broken engagements within a relatively brief period. and i should also add that SS thriving in city C--excellent grades, lots of friends, grandparents nearby. she doesnt know we know about the guy. our custody agreement provides that my husband can refuse permission for the move. but should he? should he ask about the rel with the guy? there's really nothing for me to do--but he asks for my input. if it werent for her history, this probably would nt be as much of a concern. but i hate to think of SS being uprooted for nothing. am i overreacting?
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#2 of 2 Old 07-07-2010, 10:47 PM
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The pertinent question is what does "refusing to permit the move" look like?

If she will voluntarily not move because the guy she broke off an engagement with 8.5 years ago doesn't want her to... that's surprising and I'm not sure what I'd do, in your shoes. If you were driving for visits, I'd tell you to say no. Five hours is on the verge of do-able, for a weekend. I think seven hours would mean you wouldn't visit as often. But if you're flying twice a the difference a big deal?

According to federal law, she cannot be restricted from moving (unless she's a felon, but then it wouldn't be your husband's permission she'd need!). Even if she agreed to forgo her right to relocate, since there's a love interest involved, I suspect that if your husband actually tells her no, she will feel that whatever reasons he gives are frivolous and she will justify reneging on the agreement. And the court will not tell her she can't move.

Or, does the agreement say your husband gets custody if she moves without his permission? That could arguably be enforceable, although it's not a certainty. Do you guys want custody? How would the kid feel about it? Moving with you would be no less a move than moving with her - although he already has connections where you live, whereas everything would be new to him, where she's going. But still - new school, new sports teams, new friends... Perhaps saying you want to invoke the custody clause if she moves would make her reflect on exactly how important and stable this new BF is to her. Is he worth losing her kid? Would he move where she lives, to keep her from losing her kid?

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