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Old 07-13-2010, 07:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My DSS(11)'s mom just had a baby. TWO DAYS after I did! Both girls. Crazy huh? What are the odds? I also have an 18mo DS. She has no other children besides those mentioned. I try to look at it spiritually in that the SS will get a chance to see two girls raised completely different - background: we're weird Christian, anti-TV& VG, pro healthfood, old fashioned country farmer types with rock n roll backgrounds and tattoos. Can you imagine? ha! And the BM's family is high rolling strip-joint owners. At any rate. It bugs me when the DSS, whom we have joint custody of and he lives with us one week and his mom the next, goes on and on about his mom's baby. I just want to enjoy my own daughter without her being compared. Is that so wrong? Gosh, I can't wait til school starts. Feel free to chime in, I just needed to share that in a safe place. I'm sure no one else is in the same predicament.

happily married DH with SS 9/98 and SAHM to DS 01/09 Zeke and DD 05/10 Hadassah.
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:31 PM
 
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I think your stepson is just excited about the babies in his life. Ask BM if he goes on and on about your kids when he's with her. He probably does.

If he actually says anything negative ("Why isn't she doing X yet? My other sister has been doing X for over a week!") then tell him that babies grow at different rates and it's not good to compare them.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's true and you're right. We don't have a good relationship with the mom, and that is complicated - basically everything we say and do she tries to use against us (i.e. when we moved into our house 6 years ago she tried to sue for custody because it was too close to the road.) so we try to keep all communication at a minimum and absolutely necessary. At any rate, I am adamant about telling him how they are different and so forth. My midwife thinks it may pass after the newness wears off too but *sigh* I just don't think it will. I see a lifetime of comparisons for me to ignore and redirect. Maybe you're right though. Thanks

happily married DH with SS 9/98 and SAHM to DS 01/09 Zeke and DD 05/10 Hadassah.
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Old 07-22-2010, 08:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies. I think just having somewhere to express my dissatisfaction in the situation was enough. I'm not going to discuss it with my DSS because I want him to be able to share those thoughts freely. And I'm sure he is doing the same at his mom's house and probably did some unwanted sharing in regards to my DS as well. Kids DO compare and it's natural to do so. *sigh* I wonder though how it will be when the girls are old enough to understand, maybe it will be better moderated by then. Thanks again for the perspectives.

happily married DH with SS 9/98 and SAHM to DS 01/09 Zeke and DD 05/10 Hadassah.
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Old 07-22-2010, 11:26 PM
 
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Hi all

I have removed a few posts for going off topic. The thread is staying up while we wait for an edit.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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Old 07-23-2010, 04:59 PM
 
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i bet yours is a very uncommon experience

hopefully ss is just excited by having two new sisters to think about and compare. i doubt he is doing it maliciously, more just comparing the two because they are so close together in birth and happend in his life at the same time... i cant imagine that he wouldnt later on say things like sister at moms is doing x, why isnt sister here doing the same, or sister here does this, but sister at moms doesnt. i am sure in his head they are just babies and he will wonder why they do or dont do things the same. i bet if you had had twins he would do the same thing in comparing the two. just a kid thing.

dont let his 'kidness' take any joy out of experiencing your new wee one, kids just dont think about things the way adults do and i am sure he isnt meaning to hurt your feelings or cause you angst. lol, the way you describe your lifestyle and the lifestyle at his moms it does sound as tho you are in for some crazy observations.

at least you can come here and speak your feelings without ss or your partner feeling defensive or hurt by them. they sound perfectly normal and i imagine that i would feel very like you say you are if i were in the same position.

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Old 07-28-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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I think at your son's age he's not really comparing them as adults do or think of it. He's probably trying to find simularities to help bridge the gap between the two families he's part of. I also think it'll subside over time, to the point where you hear very little of the others. My dd does things like this about her dad's and I remeber my son doing it too w/his dad's.
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Old 07-28-2010, 11:32 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mama_mimi View Post
I try to look at it spiritually in that the SS will get a chance to see two girls raised completely different - background: we're weird Christian, anti-TV& VG, pro healthfood, old fashioned country farmer types with rock n roll backgrounds and tattoos. Can you imagine? ha! And the BM's family is high rolling strip-joint owners.
After reading the above, I can't help thinking that you ARE wanting DSS to "get a chance" to do a little comparing. I think you're just not happy with the actual direction he's going with it.

Quote:
At any rate. It bugs me when the DSS, whom we have joint custody of and he lives with us one week and his mom the next, goes on and on about his mom's baby. I just want to enjoy my own daughter without her being compared.
I can understand that. For what it's worth, sometimes older siblings DO unfavorably compare their baby brothers and sisters with other babies, even when there's no "stepping" involved. I don't think this hurts in the same way it would if Mommy or Daddy were doing it.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:04 PM
 
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As the mom of infant twins, I can say that the comparisons by others (both adults and children, even total strangers) of the two babies are incessant.

People really do seem uncomfortable until they have some way to distinguish between the two girls, and labels (the "smiley one", the "active one") seem to be a favorite way to do it.

I try to be simply factual about differences and avoid comparing at all costs. L loves looking at faces. E likes faces but loves squeaky toys. These are facts, but at 4 months old does not mean that L is more social or a "happier" baby in comparison to E, and I correct (politely) anyone who tries to label them that way.

I would just be upfront about it with your DSS and explain that he probably doesn't enjoy being compared to others (friends or his classmates), and you don't want him to get in the habit of comparing the babies. Even though they can't understand now, it can be a hard habit to change later. Then you have to disengage the part of your brain that is making the comparison as well. If he comments that his sister is rolling over (and only makes that statement), you need to stop making an internal comparison.

For example, if someone says that L smiles a lot, I say thank you and don't go to a place mentally where I'm thinking "but E smiles a lot too, you're just not seeing it at the moment!"
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Old 07-30-2010, 03:31 AM
 
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I am in a similar situation x2. My husband's ex has an obsession with doing everything that we do. Three months after we got pregnant, she got pregnant. Three months after we got married, she got married. Seven months after our next baby, she had a baby(apparently took her a little longer to get pregnant that time). It's very obvious and very annoying! On top of that both of the 1st pregnancies were boys and both 2nd pregnancies were girls! We hear the comparisons constantly, not just from DSD, but also her mom and my MIL, of all people. Even now that our sons are at preschool age, it hasn't gotten any better. I feel like I constantly have to keep my DS ahead, because gosh forbid he should be second to learn anything. It's awful and I feel your pain. Not sure what to recommend, other than to just try to tune it out. My DH is able to do it much easier than myself, but I'm working on it
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