Oh Boy Do I Need to Vent - advice? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 34 Old 09-01-2010, 03:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by weezix View Post
I'm trying not to let this response bother me but it REALLY does. I clothe FOUR other children. We have a VERY tight budget and my kids don't even get NEW clothes. I've send numerous outfits back to their mothers house hoping that at least they would have something decent to wear over there. They STILL never get worn and they still never make it back. To say the kids clothes are THEIRS...who is the one paying for them? I certainly don't have the money to buy 4 extra outfits a month for each child that I will never see again.
It doesn't matter who pays for them. If someone buys you a shirt, is it your shirt or theirs? I understand budgets are tight and it just plain sucks that the other parent doesn't send them in decent clothes. My ex sends my son to my house in all sorts of wrong sized clothes (once in sandals 3 sizes too small! ). Unfortunately there's nothing that can be done but documenting as much as possible and asking for more time to make sure that the kid has their needs met (with you, since that where it seems that is happening).

This wasn't an attack of any kind. Custody issues blow. It's not fair. I was trynig to help you get another idea to help you find peace with your irritation . We can't control what the other parents do....just what happiness the kids can find when they are with us.
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#32 of 34 Old 09-23-2010, 01:27 AM
 
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So do people in this situation just make sure they do laundry on the weekends before they go back? I guess it's really not a HUGE deal but I work my butt of on laundry all week because we have a large family and I really don't like doing a small load on the weekend just to clean 2 outfits - especially if we have plans and are busy.
Yes. that is exactly what my xh does. We have truly different opinions on what makes for appropriate clothes, what makes for a good fit etc. I choose the clothes I choose for a reason. I am the one who has to get cranky picky girls up and ready for school in the wee hours of the morning. I am the one with high standards for modesty. And I was sick of picking out clothes that worked for us only to get skanky undersized/ill fitting complicated stuff back. Or getting half an outfit back. (useless for both of us!)

If she sent clothes wouldn't you wash them before you sent them home anyway? You don't send a kid home with dirty clothes. If they came clean you should send them back clean. Laundering the kids clothes is part of parenting them.

Also since he picks them up at school sending extra clothes meant sending them to school with a suit case. and me packing every week (so not going to happen. They still would have had a bag of clothes for dads house that would have sat in the garage between visits and they still would have had the exact same two outfits at every visit and I still would have expected them to come home freshly laundered and ready for the next week. why not just keep them there?). I sent a bunch of things over to his house and he bought some things. They have tennis shoes at both places. snow boots and snow pants go back and forth. He often thinks I under-dress them I often think he overdresses them for the weather. Now they have clothes for over there. They do laundry on Saturday and they wear home what they wore there. It just works more smoothly and they don't end up not having what they need because they have what they need at both places. The only time I send extra is if I am picking them up for church or something and they need church clothes. He took them to a wedding and I sent church clothes for that as well. Fancy dresses are not something they need at his house so there is no reason for him to keep stuff there.

And things still get mixed up sometimes. I try to make sure stuff gets where it belongs. If xh calls and says "all of Ava's undies/socks have disappeared" I would run a pack over because we don't know how it happens (she leaves in a pair and comes home in a pair it should balance out right....but she is truly amazing this way) but I would rather have a stash at his house that I paid for than worry about her not having any or having home grumping about that i don't send my kid in appropriate underwear.

and yup, sometimes my kids show up with mismatched socks (matching socks are just not something we value at 6AM) and they look like he!! because they have either spent a day at school or a day playing. And they get themselves ready in the morning because i have to be at work early. They do their best but they don't look fantastic. If my xh was concerned about them being dressed to impress at school he can up the child support so I could stay at home and spend time getting them ready every morning. They would look fantastic I promise. If their dad were heading to a wedding or somewhere they needed to look nice he could call me ahead of time and I would get them ready but as a general rule we don't spend a lot of time dressing up and staying neat. Especially for something as mundane as a pick up or drop off.

it took us a while to find something that works but I think we have landed in a comfortable spot.

AND

The clothes are mine. I pay for them they are mine. The kids do not have a right to do whatever they want with them. the clothes their dad buys are his. If I decide its time for a certain item to move down to the next kid its time and no one gets to say 'but thats mine" with the exception of "the Beatles shirt" If she out grows it it will probably morph into a pillow case or something....If I am sick of looking at something, tired of the fuss it is causing, if I decide it has become too revealing, i get rid of it just because. And I can do that. Because I paid for them. And we don't own family property.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#33 of 34 Old 09-29-2010, 11:36 AM
 
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What do your kids/stepkids have to say about their clothing and managing stuff in two houses?
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#34 of 34 Old 10-01-2010, 02:35 PM
 
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That's because for any decent mom, (with or without a step- at the front,) it's about putting the kids first.

As a kid who grew up with clothes that didn't fit or were old or out of fashion, this thread hurts to read.

Venting on a message board like this is a healthy thing to do. Not giving in to the games other people play (for instance if you felt the other parent had plenty of money/clothes and were not sending them along) can also be a healthy thing to do depending on the circumstances. Actually allowing children to go without what they need is not.
I agree. My ex-husband will often keep my boys clothes that fit and send them to school the day i pick them up wearing highwater pants. It isn't fair to me at all to have to keep buying them clothes to wear at their dads. However, there is no way i am going to send them out in the world wearing clothes that obviously don't fit them.
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