Any SAHMs feeling guilty? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 07-29-2010, 11:36 AM - Thread Starter
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When I met my DBF, I was working full time and had my then-three-yo DS. We met, fell in love, blah blah blah and along comes baby. I was laid off while pregnant and DBF asked me not to look for another job, he didn't want the kids in daycare, didn't think it was healthy, wanted me to stay home with them.

I've always wanted to be a SAHM so I jumped at the chance. Baby #3 (#2 for DBF) is on the way now, and DBF is really stressing about money.

I feel guilty because DVF is TOTALLY supporting my son - DS's father doesn't pay a dime of child support. He's paying for karate class, pays for birthday parties, buying school clothes, everything. He's never once complained, loves my son, tells people he's got 2 kids with one on the way, is just awesome.

But I still feel terrible about it. There's no way I could get a job and make enough to pay for three kids in daycare, so staying home really is the best choice, but a part of me feels bad for DBF. He went from single and doing ok to supporting 5 people in less than two years.

Mama to DS T (10/11/2004) and DD M (09/03/09) and cookin' up baby #3 due late March/early April 2010!
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#2 of 6 Old 07-31-2010, 10:29 AM
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There's no reason to feel guilty.

He got into this situation with his eyes open - and two of the kids you're going to be at home with are his. Blended families still need to be families. And families should strive to treat all kids the same - or at least put the same effort into meeting each kid's needs.

My husband's ex also pays no C/S for their son, who lives with us (nor does she visit frequently, the expense of which is how she's supposed to pay support). Conversely, my ex pays plenty of support. With the recession there have been times that my husband (who's in construction) has had no income, therefore some months my ex's support has been the only money coming in. (I stay home with our toddler.) Yes, it feels a little off, spending C/S money on kids that my ex isn't meant to support. BUT, #1 - It would feel much more wrong to provide for the needs of some kids in the family, while neglecting the needs of others, just because of the source of the money; and #2- When my husband is bringing in money, we certainly don't segregate IT, to keep any of HIS income from being spent on MY kids. Again, we're a family. We use what money we have coming in, to meet everyone's needs. You're doing the same.

If I were you, I would feel - not guilty - but anxious about the stability of the situation, if you have 2 kids together, your older son is attached, but there's no formal commitment (i.e., this guy is still just a boyfriend). Three little kids and not enough money can put strain on people who have pledged before God, family and friends to stay together forever - and who would have to go to Court and spend beaucoups bucks for a divorce, if they split up. I'm not saying BF doesn't feel committed to you, or that people must have a conventional marriage for their relationship to work! I'm just saying there are fewer barriers to walking away, when there's not a formal commitment. So, in your shoes, I'd want to feel crystal clear about why the two of you haven't gotten married, or else bring up to him that you'd like to make that commitment and start moving toward it.

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#3 of 6 Old 08-02-2010, 11:24 PM
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This is just like us.
My now DH came in the picture when my son was 6 mos ( I had split with my ex around 4 months). I had 2 kids from my ex.
Long story short I ended up staying home due a really bad child care issue.
I have been home for 8 years now. We have had 2 children since.
DH condiders all the kids his, pays for everything (my ex and I have joint custody so there is no support) except sports and school stuff that is split between the two familys. The ex/&wife get along with us, we do not see eye to eye on parenting and well most things, but enough to never let the kids know we don't like each other.
Any way
at time I do feel guilty because DH came into a ready made family. He did not make much but said it was better for our kids if I was home. They were "our" kids from the begining.

We have struggled and still do sometimes. But this is what works for us.
As long as you are able to make ends meet and it works, then it works. I have had to really work hard at giving up the guilt.
This is us.
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#4 of 6 Old 08-03-2010, 02:31 AM
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I'm not a stay at home mom, so I haven no experience in that aspect, but have you talked to him about how he feels, about taking on such huge responsiblities?? Don't forget, you have sacrificied alot, and are taking on a huge responsiblity as well. He is a man, and men inherently want to support (care) their families. It is part of their mammal instincts. It sounds like he has adjusted well. Believe me mama, it sounds like you have a great catch! Just be supportive, and attentive to his needs. It sounds like you guys are doing a great job!
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#5 of 6 Old 08-03-2010, 02:56 PM
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My situation is worse than yours, but I am trying to take it all in stride.

In a last ditch effort to save my marriage, I quit my job. HUGE mistake, as this is a very small town and jobs are next to impossible to find. My marriage went down the tubes anyways, and we divorced. When DP and I got together, I was working and he cared for my kids because my ex had just gotten him fired from his job when he found out we were dating. Then I got laid off, and he got a job. His truck broke down so I let him use my car to get to work. That was about 6 months ago, and as he drives 50 miles one way to get to work, and works 11 hour days, we cannot afford to share a vehical.

I feel SO guilty, as he is totally supporting me and my 3 kids. He doesn't complain, he says that this is the way things have to be right now and they WILL get better. But the guilt is still there, as is the feeling of being a mooch and totally helpless. I am used to be independent, so this is very hard. So yeah, I totally get it.
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#6 of 6 Old 08-07-2010, 06:16 PM
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I am still working part time, one or two days a week, but yes, I feel a little guilt at staying home. Our "together" baby isn't even due for another month, but because of the nature of my job and the heat, I haven't been able to work full time for several months now. My ex does pay child support, but it isn't much.

My DP is very involved in my son's (age 3) life and considers him his own. He and I enrolled him in preschool last week, and I felt some guilt about that, because DP is the one who will be making the money that pays for it.

I talk to him about it, and he says this is how it should be right now. If I want to go back to work after the new baby weans, that's up to me. But, as far as he is concerned, its strictly up to me.

I say that you should talk to him about any guilt you are feeling, most likely, just talking with him about it will alleviate part of it. If your financial situation is less than ideal, then maybe y'all can work together to find a solution, but I don't think you should beat yourself up about staying home even though all the kids aren't "his". Its most likely a great source of pride with him to be supporting you all, even if you do have times of struggle, as we all do.

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