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#31 of 52 Old 08-10-2010, 01:12 PM
 
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That sounds horrible, what you're going through. I don't think I would trust the older child in the house without us there. I'd worry that he'd poison my toothpaste

I think the brotherhood is over. Your son will be fine with that. What's important is that he's protected and knows why he's protected. You don't want him feeling too brotherly towards his older brother when older brother ends up in a mess as an adult anyway.

Are you in a financial position to get some kind of vacation place? My mother has a trailer near a lake that they go to for weeks at a time and it was not very expensive. Maybe your husband could get something like that and do visitations there?

I don't think it's fair to your children to have to leave when A comes to visit. I didn't notice how old A is, but maybe it's in the thread somewhere. How often does A visit? Why were the phone calls to his mother a secret? Were the police ever informed of the sexual abuse? Who's watching A while he visits (assuming your husband works outside the home)? How often does he visit? Do you have inlaws near? Maybe your husband can take A and go stay with his parents during visits?

Your stepson seems to try to find out how to hurt people to see what happens. There was an 8yo boy here a few years ago that was killed when another kid wanted to see what happened if he injected the 8yo with insulin. As big of a deal as you think it is, it's probably even bigger of a deal. Your stepson seems to be very interested in experimenting with his ideas on your son. Just thinking of anyone doing that to any of my kids sends chills down my spine.

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#32 of 52 Old 08-10-2010, 02:45 PM
 
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""""""What I was hoping to find here was someone else who has lived something like this. For example, was that the end of the brotherhood? Just never see them again? I go somewhere else every-other holiday so he can be with his dad? Does someone want to sponsor my future frequent vacation schedule? Just kidding. Unless you have a kid-friendly place that needs summertime house-sitting, then I'm listening. That type of thing. NOT wow you are just standing by and allowing this to happen."""""""



I did happen to my DS (now 16) by his older - by ONE year - stepbrother. It took two years of fighting, reams of graphic photos and journals/logs, trips to the hospital with strange bites/burns and scratches after mandatory court ordered visits and then a wreched trip to emerg with my DS who's penis had been bitten so badly by the stepbrother during (again) a court ordered visit that it required stitches. Two years before my DS was safe again. Physically safe anyway, he was majorly messed up for the next few years.

Yes it was the end of the brotherhood.
No he hasn't seen him since - almost 10 years.
My DS's father and I were separated at the time but he had weekend visits with both boys, we were trying to reconcile but after this happened I knew it wasn't worth it.
My DS has seen his father 5 or 6 times in almost 10 years. He hasn't wanted to. In fact the whole bunch of them, the father, the mother and her boyfriend were investigated by CPS.

OP- I wouldn't feel the slightest shred of guilt cutting that child out of your lives. Your DH is probably torn though and perhaps 'can't ' make the calls/appts. that he KNOWS he should be making. I'd do it for him. Call CPS, take your kids to your family doc, then call CPS again and again. ANY incident, take your kids to the hospital, tell them how and who, and write everything down.

Good luck to you and your kids, this is such a horrible situation because nobody wants to believe a kid can be the abuser right?
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#33 of 52 Old 08-10-2010, 06:28 PM
 
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Your children are 3 and 18 months? So I assume you have been A's stepmother since he was 5ish? How has custody evolved in the time you and your Dh have been married? I guess what I am trying to get to is how involved you have been in your stepson's life...how much you fill a parenting role in his life. I only ask because every stepchild situation is different-my sister and her spouse share absolute 50/50 custody with BIL's child, my sister's stepson and my sister is very involved in his life, going to all activities and meetings and such. Whereas, my DH IS my dd1's Dad, though technically he's a stepparent. And how involved you are does I think have an effect on the route that you take, as well as the ultimate relationship you could or should want or expect in regards to the two children as they get old. A half sibling relationship can sometimes be as close as a full sibling relationship, or it can be as distant as two cousins living across the country from each other. And, I think that if you discover that your stepson actually has some sort of mental illness, something that's treatable and recoverable, it's not unreasonable to want to try to mend some sort of sibling relationship if both the children are able to recover.

While I understand wanting to do everything you can to avoid CPS, I do agree with others that I think you need to call them. Your children need protection, and potentially more than you can provide (for example, you need government documentation in case there is a change to court ordered visitation for any reason.) You stepson needs protection and help, and obviously more than your DH and his ex have been willing or able to provide. Is your DH's ex dating or married? Given the stepson's behavior, I would want a legal authority to look into what his situation is at his mom's house. Especially if she has been notified of the behavior and is ignoring it. It makes me wonder what she is ignoring at home too. And your stepson needs someone to force his parents to recognize that this stuff is happening and that he needs help. I can't even imagine how difficult this is for your DH, find out that his child has these issues and has done these things. And to then realize that the child's own mother, who has him much more, doesn't seem to think he needs help or see a problem, I imagine it's easy to doubt, because you WANT to, that there's a real problem. I would suggest that you simply refuse to allow your stepson into your house, at all, whether you and the younger kids are there or not, until something is done to help him. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to not want an abusive person near your property, even if that abusive person is family.

As to the three year old and the abuse he has undergone....I don't know to be honest. It's hard, given that he's so young and has limited verbal abilities (I have a nearly two year old with close to no words, so I assume you just mean that he is simply not very expressive, not that he is actually developmentally delayed or has any other disabilities of his own) He probably doesn't understand much of any of it, what happened, or why, or why it was such a big deal. I think some sort of therapy is probably in order, regardless of what ultimately happens with the stepson, but I don't know how that would play out. With your child being only three...I just can't help but wonder if therapy might not make it worse rather than better. I would suggest being EXTREAMLY careful when choosing a therapist...and working with CPS might actually help in that regard. They may or may not be able to point you towards someone who is best for a child so young. Your ped might be another resource to check into.

The whole situation just sucks and I am sorry you are dealing with this.
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#34 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 04:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OK, I'm back for the moment. Thank you to those of you who actually read my posts and didn't just jump to conclusions. I might as well try one more time:

He Doesn't Come Over Here Anymore When My Kids Are Home.

There's a lot of questions dangling, and I'm going to bed soon, but I'll try to fill some blanks (I honestly didn't think anyone would want all this info, but here goes).

A was 4 when my relationship with his dad became serious. He has a very charming outer personality that he puts on for most people and my biggest problem with him at the time was getting him to only eat white snow. If you were to meet him in public, he might be off the wall, but it's more likely that he would dazzle you. When we're in a store, he might say, "Look at that flower. Isn't it beautiful? But you know what, it's not as pretty as you." He is a sociopath (according to me, the daughter and granddaughter of three psychologists).

When I was pregnant with my 1st, I started to notice many things that made me believe that he had been sexually abused. I'm pretty certain of this. Was it one of his mother's boyfriends, some of whom were physically violent or in and out of jail? Was it his cousin who is in his mid 20s, lives with his mother, has never had a job, and taught A how to play Grand Theft Auto? My husband has a lot of older bachelor friends, and whenever we'd have any of them over, it was always less than 10 minutes before A would waltz by whichever guy it was with no pants on. Why did he take his pants off every time an older man was over? This was true at age 5, 6, 7, 8- It's not like he had a thing about taking his clothes off like some littler kids do, it was very specific. I mean, I could go on and on with examples. Some one messed with this kid, and no one cares. We actually got him set up to see a school counselor, and instead of allowing that to happen his mother removed him from school. In February. And when fall rolled around (after the school cut all counseling from the budget), she just thought he should repeat the grade.

In the beginning we had him every other weekend, which was hell. Then (was it 2 or 3 years ago?) his mother met a man over the internet who lives in Kansas, so off they went. We protested, but the judge said, "This will make the mother happy, and the child will benifit if she is happy." So off they went. That man had three young children of his own full time, and I just can't imagine why it didn't work out. But anyway, that's when we got on the every-other holiday and 8 weeks in the summer program. I liked that at first thought because I felt like we could make real progress with his behavior over eight weeks. I also thought we could have him see a therapist, but you can't do that without the mother's approval. (interesting side note- The reason that is is that parents were coaching children to claim abuse in order to gain full custody. I told everyone I spoke with "The last thing in the whole world that I want is custody." But they wouldn't budge. Even my own father, a practicing psychologist, said he wouldn't see someone in that situation.)

He was supposed to get therapy in KS, but his mom refused to bring him to his appointments (will this happen again?) saying that she didn't want him to think that there's something wrong with him. Ironic that last year she decided unilaterally to put him on ritalin. To which his dad said, "He's angry, he doesn't have attention deficit. He can sit and do one thing for a long time. Especially if that thing is a destructive thing."

She has pulled him from school to school- he's never completed a year at less than 3 schools- but I have to assume that records follow. He's been into all kinds of trouble (multiple suspensions and two expulsions) so I have to believe that lots of people know. I resonate with what Bella99 said as I keep getting the feeling that Arizona being broke and useless just got the calls and didn't react. I was told that it would be up to CPS to decide whether or not to report to law enforcement after an investigation was done. As far as I know, there was no investigation.

As for my son, I really am hesitating to discuss him at all here as I'm still reeling in defensiveness from some of the earlier posts. I really am liking the idea of cutting the ties forever between those two. I would have no problem with that whatsoever. I just think that they Would, and their dad would. I just don't know, but I don't suppose I have to make a statement about it now. My husband wanted us to all go down there this week and take A out for dinner; it was really important to him that we do that for A. I thought about it for a couple of days, then said no.

Sending out a thank you for the support in sending A off with his dad instead of having him here. He stole some money from me while I was gone, and took screws to my car and completely carved it up over the summer. Who knows what else. None of it surprised me because I'm so used to him by now. I was more surprised at the reactions of others when I told them; I too start to forget that this stuff is a big deal. The thing that did get to me tho was how hurt H was to find some of his toys destroyed. We went thru the house before we left and packed everything we could think of away in a travel trailer. There were several toys that he asked me to leave out for A to play with. I told him no, that A would just smash them. He said so sweetly with smile, "No, not these toys. A will be happy that I left them for him to play with. He won't destroy them." But of course he did. And of everything that A has done to him, that upset H the most. If you were to meet H at the park and talk to him for more than two sentences, he'd tell you, "A smashed my motorcycle. He broke my car into little pieces. He broke my helicopter, he broke my guys..." and he'll give you the whole list.

Time to go, but one bit of pseudo-humor. When H heard about the oil spill, he thought about it with deep concern for a few moments, then said, "I know! We'll tell A that some bad guys are hurting the animals. Let's call A, and then we'll go find the bad guys."

Actually one more thing. I have not personally talked to A about this at all. We call him on Wednesdays, and I've spoken to him about the usual stuff a few times. I really want to tell him how his actions have affected me and the family, but I hold back since he's only 10. If I were being truly authentic, I would tell him. He asked me, "Do I get to go to your mom's with you next year?" I just told him no.
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#35 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 11:44 AM
 
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I'm so glad you did decide to come back and update us. Good for you on standing your ground with no-contact! Even if H voices hurt at this point, as he gets older he will understand that every step you took was to protect him. I understand your reluctance to share about your son, and he does deserve his privacy, especially for something like this. I do wonder if some therapy for you may be in order, as well as for him. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because this is an impossibly difficult situation and having a neutral, outside person to help you process and keep perspective may be helpful. You are protecting your children, and it sounds like you are one of the only adults who has been trying to protect A. I do think a CPS call is in order - but I can understand being uncomfortable with that, and taking your own measures to preserve your children's safety.
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#36 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 12:00 PM
 
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I am really worried about your husband's reluctance to do something here. I mean, I am assuming he's upset about all this and feels protective of the younger children, not just his older son but it doesn't sound that way (I know you're not putting every little thing out there, so I'm not saying your husband just doesn't care, but it's odd to me that the kid abuses a sibling, carves up a car, smashes toys, and tries to get younger kids to do things that could kill them and DAD doesn't suggest, you know why don't I just go there to be with him and keep the kids apart). Do you feel your husband gets what a huge deal this is? I'm with you, a ten year old doing all this is not normal and not ok and it's a VERY BIG DEAL and needs to be treated as such. Other children don't need to be sacrificed so that he doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with him. Something is very much wrong with him and if this is what you're dealing with at ten, what is sixteen going to be like? I'm sure that's something you've thought about.

I am very very sorry for whatever happened to this little boy to make him so unhappy and destructive and it sounds like it may have robbed him of a normal life, but not so sorry that I would throw other children in with him. I know you're asking about the possibilities of a sibling relationship and I want to say - your instincts are right. There doesn't need to be one. It worries me that your husband doesn't see that for himself. If someday when your children are adults they decide to try to establish some kind of relationship with their brother, that's up to them. Until then, I would do everything possible to keep them apart.

"Call " is almost never my first response, but you and your husband CAN'T make decisions for this child and his mother apparently won't. I don't know that anything will come of it, but it starts a paper trail if nothing else. I understand - or at least I can imagine - how hard it would be to go against your husband in this, to have to have these conversations and hide them from your kids. It's a big deal. People are going to be angry. It's going to be uncomfortable and tense to say the least, but he needs help and the adult who can get it for him, his mother, seems to just be blocking the way.
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#37 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 12:24 PM
 
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As for my son, I really am hesitating to discuss him at all here as I'm still reeling in defensiveness from some of the earlier posts. I really am liking the idea of cutting the ties forever between those two. I would have no problem with that whatsoever. I just think that they Would, and their dad would. I just don't know, but I don't suppose I have to make a statement about it now.
I'm not sure how to handle the rest, but I wanted to speak to this issue. I think you have to make the best decision for your son right now and let him deal with the relationship when the 2 are older. Your ss may get treatment and live a productive life. He's only 10, so I think that's possible. I know plenty of people with severe mental illnesses who've been able to turn their lives around. Then, when your son is older, he can decide what, if any, type of contact he wants. You have so much going on that I'd suggest dropping this from your list of concerns.

I am from a family of well-protected child predators. I do not have contact with them and do not allow my children contact. Other cousins who were abused do have contact in various ways because that feels better to them than having no family. Your son's personality & your ss's progress will determine that later.

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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#38 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 12:35 PM
 
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You asked a question - if anyone has been thru it and what was the outcome?

We have, but it was my ds doing the abuse against my s-children and younger (half) siblings.

It was a long road (still is) and the outcome has been him being removed from our home. It was our choice (well, not really when you have no other choice).
We fought thru the system - therapists (family and single), psychologists, psychiatrists, meds, no meds, diet change, support groups, etc. Cfs was the only ones who gave us access to *real* support. They suggested treatment centres that no one else did. Sadly, by the time we got to that point he was "too old" for it to do any good. Had we made the call years before........who knows? Maybe he'd still be home? Maybe I'd have all my kids under my roof? I try not to beat myself up over it. Whats done is done. He's currently in a group home/treatment centre. Its seems to be a good fit for now.

We continue to work on our relationships with him. He's still "getting into trouble" but I dont believe he's being violent to others anymore. I feel better about that. B/c as much as my kids were my first priority, I couldnt help but feel that it would be *my* fault had he killed someone. (and yes, he was heading in that direction)

Sorry, this is all choppy and all over the place, I'm dealing with a crappy headache at the moment. I just wanted to say that someone has been thru it, and it just sucks all the way around. But, so far, my kids and (society) seem to be safe.

I wish you luck, peach and healing on this journey.
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#39 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 04:30 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that it was very brave of you, Shenjall, to post that. May your familly have peace & love.

Mama to one 2 yr. old tornado banana.gif
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#40 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 06:48 PM
 
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I didn't actually mean to imply that CPS just unilaterally gets calls and doesn't do anything them about them (although yes, sometimes that happens). In order for a CPS call to trigger an investigation, the information provided must meet the criteria. Sometimes that's just adding an additional piece of information. Sometimes the operators will ask questions to get the information, but they should always explain why a call wasn't taken (sometimes it just doesn't meet the threshold). In NY they HAVE to tell you if a call is being taken or not, and if not, they have to tell you why. They always offer for you to speak to a supervisor too.

Anyway, from your most recent post, I will say that due to the mother's reluctance to get him counseling, and her actions and unstable parenting, I would say that yes, it is likely that he was abused, and that she knows about it.

If you're husband is willing, I would talk to him about modifying their court order to mandate counseling for your step-son, which would require you to document for the court, the things his son has done and also the mother's refusal to provide him with counseling outside of a court order. Stress to your husband how serious this is, and that it may affect the stability of your marriage.
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#41 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 07:38 PM
 
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I think you need to refuse to have him there on visitation anymore, at all. I think you need to make an official legal report about the sexual abuse, and make sure it gets to the police department. I am absolutely livid for you and your children. It is 100% reasonable for you to refuse to allow that boy around your children, at all, ever. ((((hugs))))
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#42 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 08:35 PM
 
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4. Lastly, if you decide to make the call, you can do so anonymously, and even if you don't, it's ALWAYS confidential. For all anyone needs to know, the doctor called or the school called or a neighbor or extended family member, etc. I work in foster care and when calls are made on the foster parents and/or biological parents, even if we aren't involved in the particular situation or are the ones that made the call, we CAN NOT tell the parents who made the call.
.
I just wanted to say that this is not completely true. I'm also in NY, and I had CPS called on me by my child's dr. How do I know that? B/c it was in the report that was given to the court who called. I was not allowed to read the report myself, but my lawyer was able to give me all the information that was in it. If any report from CPS ends up in court, the person who called IS listed on it, and the parties know who called b/c their lawyer is allowed to tell them.

OP - I'm really sorry about the situation you're in, I wish there was an easy way out but I don't think there will be. Stay strong for your babies, you're doing a great job so far.
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#43 of 52 Old 08-11-2010, 09:13 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that it was very brave of you, Shenjall, to post that. May your familly have peace & love.
Thank you so much Latte Mama. Your kind words mean alot.
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#44 of 52 Old 08-12-2010, 06:34 PM
 
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Thyra,

CPS calls are meant to be confidential. I've been to numerous trainings about them (as I am a mandated reporter), and they stress that over and over again. As a mandated reporter, I (and your doctor), can not make an anonymous call, because we have to make the call specifically as a mandated reported, and provide our information. In fact, when non-CPS caseworkers document information, we aren't even allowed to mention any kind of CPS call/involvement. But even when we call, although our information is taken down, it can not be provided to the

A lawyer should not be giving that information to their clients AT ALL, whether the report is indicated or unfounded. Your entitled to the report, but not the identity of the source and not anyone who may have provided assistance or information for the actual investigation. That information is supposed to be redacted from the copy of the reports provided to you and your attorney. What your attorney did was illegal and obviously the State Central Registry screwed up in not removing the identifying information. You can find the exact procedural information at the OCFS website.

And in NY, calls made to the hotline that are not accepted for investigation are deleted from the system, there's no record of them kept at all. Calls that WERE accepted for investigation, but were determined unfounded are recorded in the system with some information, but are primarily treated as if they don't exist.
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#45 of 52 Old 08-13-2010, 01:14 AM
 
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Thyra,

CPS calls are meant to be confidential. I've been to numerous trainings about them (as I am a mandated reporter), and they stress that over and over again. As a mandated reporter, I (and your doctor), can not make an anonymous call, because we have to make the call specifically as a mandated reported, and provide our information. In fact, when non-CPS caseworkers document information, we aren't even allowed to mention any kind of CPS call/involvement. But even when we call, although our information is taken down, it can not be provided to the

A lawyer should not be giving that information to their clients AT ALL, whether the report is indicated or unfounded. Your entitled to the report, but not the identity of the source and not anyone who may have provided assistance or information for the actual investigation. That information is supposed to be redacted from the copy of the reports provided to you and your attorney. What your attorney did was illegal and obviously the State Central Registry screwed up in not removing the identifying information. You can find the exact procedural information at the OCFS website.

And in NY, calls made to the hotline that are not accepted for investigation are deleted from the system, there's no record of them kept at all. Calls that WERE accepted for investigation, but were determined unfounded are recorded in the system with some information, but are primarily treated as if they don't exist.
Thank you for this information. However, what is legal and illegal is not always what is actually happening, and all people dealing with the situation should be aware of that. Calls may be supposed to be confidential, but thats not always the case. I don't believe that people should be doing things like calling CPS on their step-children and unwilling to own up to it. I think that can cause major trust issues - especially if the identity of the caller is revealed later, even if its illegal for them to reveal that identity.

And, my lawyer didn't do anything illegal - the person who failed to redact the information did. My lawyer was authorized to share with me everything in the report by the judge - she did as she was told.
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#46 of 52 Old 08-18-2010, 01:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know if anyone's still looking at this, but clearly I have a lot of thank yous to send out. I'm sorry that I'm too exhausted to refer back and thank you individually- please know that I have appreciated the support and candor. I thought you all might like to give yourselves a pat on the back for the following: There is no CPS listed in my phone book. White pages say to check the gov't section, and that one says nothing. So I called the sheriff's dept to ask who I should call (the mother has now explicitly refused to comply with any counseling). So a report was filed and deputies have been dispatched and the whole deal. What I was feeling here in the beginning (judged) was actually a good preparation for what I encountered with the Man. When I told them that I Had called when it happened, they checked into it and said they found a CPS report that was filed a few days later under my name but that the report was empty.

The two things that really suck are that they insist on wanting to interview H (using bodily terminology), and they still haven't given me any clear picture of what the process of getting A into counseling is. So that's where I'm at.
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#47 of 52 Old 08-18-2010, 01:23 AM
 
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OP - I'm glad that you are moving forward. It may take some time to get A into counseling - there has to be an investigation and a determination of what services are needed by the family and child(ren). I don't know exactly how all that works since it was determined that I did not need any services.

I hope that you are able to wade through the bureaucracy quickly and start healing your family as best as you can. Have you considered couples counseling for you and your husband to help sort out any issues between the 2 of you that may have come up due to what has happened with your step-son? I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

Good luck with everything.
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#48 of 52 Old 08-18-2010, 08:43 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Veslemor View Post
I don't know if anyone's still looking at this, but clearly I have a lot of thank yous to send out. I'm sorry that I'm too exhausted to refer back and thank you individually- please know that I have appreciated the support and candor. I thought you all might like to give yourselves a pat on the back for the following: There is no CPS listed in my phone book. White pages say to check the gov't section, and that one says nothing. So I called the sheriff's dept to ask who I should call (the mother has now explicitly refused to comply with any counseling). So a report was filed and deputies have been dispatched and the whole deal. What I was feeling here in the beginning (judged) was actually a good preparation for what I encountered with the Man. When I told them that I Had called when it happened, they checked into it and said they found a CPS report that was filed a few days later under my name but that the report was empty.

The two things that really suck are that they insist on wanting to interview H (using bodily terminology), and they still haven't given me any clear picture of what the process of getting A into counseling is. So that's where I'm at.
I am so happy you made the call to get this case followed up on. I know how hard it was to hear those words when it felt like you were doing everything in your power to get this boy helped but sometimes, the system just blows and everything that needs to be done by the authorities needs more then a little nudging along the way. As for them wanting to interview H, ask if there's any possibility of them having a child psychologist who is trained in talking to children talk to him instead. They would be able to do it in the least harmful way possible. I promise you Mama, there was no judgement coming from me... I can not possibly imagine the turmoil you family is going through over this. Sending tons of light and healing as you go through this. *hugs*

Jeri, Natural lovin' Mama to Elijah (9.29.03), Eden (10.2.06), and a little one lost along the way (1/12)., Step-monster to Shelby (18) and Stephen (16). Celebrating 12 years together with my soul-mate, Eric. Hoping for a rainbow1284.gif someday! 
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#49 of 52 Old 08-20-2010, 12:56 AM
 
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You are doing such a great job with all this. I am highly impressed. But one more thing: you need to start documenting your dh's incompetence with your kids. start a log; record him if he says things. you could very likely end up needing it later, if for some reason issues force you towards divorce. imagine if something happened to your stepson and your h got custody- you might have to divorce to keep your kids safe. if you can establish a long term pattern of his incompetence at daily care or whatever, you could possibly use it to limit your dh's visitation with your mutual kids. I'm sure that's hard to think about if you love him- but- I think if he really can't protect them for you to go pee, then you need to take that step. My dh has narcissistic personality disorder, and he was often incompetent with the kids (his need to smoke a cigarette or whatever is more important than their safety). He has gotten a bit better as they are older and he is trying not to lose us. I also wouldn't leave my stbx when they were your kids' ages because I had no documentation to prevent his having long visits, and I feared for their safety. I am almost out now, I am documenting documenting all of the endgame, but I have waited until my oldest can look out for both of them, and use a phone to call me if some technicality gets him too much time with them. You are so strong, it is amazing the red tape you have danced with, just to find the kindest solution- but cps is a necessary weapon to fight this.
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#50 of 52 Old 08-25-2010, 11:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So it's been almost a week and a half since I called the sheriff, and it's feeling like another dead end. No word, they haven't answered my subsequent phone calls, and I am considering converting A's room to a play room seeing as how it could be an extremely long time (if ever) until he comes back.
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#51 of 52 Old 09-06-2010, 06:31 PM
 
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OP, any updates? How is your family, especially your 3 year old?
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#52 of 52 Old 11-26-2011, 11:24 PM
 
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Just so you know what this has the potential to turn into, I had some similar issues with my stepson and son. The age gap is similar with my stepson being 10 at the time, and my son being 7 at the end of a 3 yr. stretch of abuse. We have not had to deal with the sexual abuse in our home, though my stepson did sexually assault his 8yr. old sister in his mother's home. This child was endlessly physically abusive to my own son. He had done things like kick him in the face hard enough to knock his two front teeth loose, threw him on the ground outside and was kicking him as hard as he could in his ribs, endlessly lie to get my 3 children in trouble. With my youngest son, when he was only 9 months old my stepson would call him to his room down the hallway. When my son would crawl to the end of the hall and grab the door frame to try and stand up, my stepson would slam the door on his fingers, suprisingly never braking them. My daughter who was about 18months old started having bruises all over her body which when asked we found out that he had been beating on her whenever they were alone. I tried multiple times to involve the police, which by the way is useless because there is no law protecting children from other children. Whenever we would address his aggressive ways with his mother she would tell him what he was doing was ok and we had no right to punish him for what he was doing. We had him hospitalized when he started threatening to tie us all up in our sleep and light the house on fire so he could watch us burn to death. His mother managed to get him out of that and convince him yet again that his behavior was ok and somehow we were wrong for trying to get him help. Initially he had lived with us, and once we had him hospitalized child protective services stepped in and threatened to remove my three kids from the house because we were unable to protect them from him. He was sent to live with his mom (in another state) who of course never addressed his behavior. About a year later we moved to the same state my husband's ex lived in, and in time were convinced (somehow) that things were getting better. This is when the majority of the abuse happened with my oldest son. We had the child again hospitalized for threatening to kill us all, by way of the sheriff's office (because you can not have a child put in the hospital without the permission of the custodial parent without law enforcement). There was a hold placed on him due to the statements he was making to the doctors and officers about his intent. After this hold was up, the hospital had convinced us that he had been stabilized on meds and was doing much better. The night he was released, it was during my husband's visitation, that day we watched him closely with the kids, and he seemed to be doing much better. That night however, after we put everyone to bed, he climbed up on my son's bed while he was sleeping, got on top of him and held a pillow over his face. My son woke up and managed to fight him off. My stepson rushed back into his bed, and my son being too scared to get up layed there and came to tell no one. The next day we had no clue what had happened, and continued on like normal. Around midafternoon, we caught him wrapping a hose around my son's neck and trying to strangle him. At this point my husband immediately caught what was going on and stopped the situation. We called the hospital and were told to bring him back. With no appologies, the hospital readmitted him. His mother refusing still to admit he had problems took him from the hospital against medical advice and managed to have us investigated for abuse for having him placed there initially. This of course resulted in nothing, and we were told that we were not to allow the child in our home again by both CPS and the sheriffs office both. We decided to have a short visit with my stepson to find out what was going on after he was released, at which point he looked me in the eyes and told me with a grin that the only thing he was sorry for was not successfully killing my child. We tried desperately to understand what was going on with him to no avail. He did however go home to his mother's and convince her that we had "interogated" him, at which point she again got CPS to investigate my husband and I, again finding NOTHING!! This is really just a quick brief run down of what we have endured as a result of this child, but please beware if your stepchild is really intent on hurting your child, no matter how hard you try, you can't be everywhere. When it comes to your own child, your best bet may be to keep your stepchild away at all cost (even your marriage). My oldest child now has PTSD and extreme anxiety and insomnia as a result of his stepbrother's doing. If I had it all to do again, I would have done everything in my power to keep my stepson away from my children before he had the chance to hurt them. Even with all that he did, as a child under the law, he can not commit a crime and therefore was never punished in anyway for what he has done to my family.

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