Changing Plans - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 08-08-2010, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Do you ever find your children rearranging their lives last minute (as in within the day or hour) so they can see their non-custodial parent?

When you have an ex who is all about doing things last minute and then being offended when plans don't change for him, do you just let it go?

Better yet, when one daughter has plans and the other last minute changes hers to drive somewhere, who gets the car?


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#2 of 6 Old 08-09-2010, 01:14 PM
 
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In all honesty? With the ages of the children concerned? I'd leave it to them to sort out.
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#3 of 6 Old 08-09-2010, 02:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by koby58 View Post
Do you ever find your children rearranging their lives last minute (as in within the day or hour) so they can see their non-custodial parent?

When you have an ex who is all about doing things last minute and then being offended when plans don't change for him, do you just let it go?

Better yet, when one daughter has plans and the other last minute changes hers to drive somewhere, who gets the car?

Yup, except now I try and judge when to flex. We went through a time where I said yes to every last minute change, then a time when I said no to every last minute change.

Now I try to gauge it. How inconvenient is it to the rest of the family? Does it seem like a genuine 'Oh geez, I screwed up - can we adjust plans?' or 'If we do this instead - how will it work for you?'

I'm much more open to suggestions of changing things, as opposed to being told 'This is what I've decided to do, you have to deal with the fall out'.

At this point, my ex knows what will and won't fly. For instance - he has the girls this week for vacation. He wanted to leave a day early, as a last minute decision. He called and said 'Hey, I know this may not work - but if possible, can I snag the kids a day early?' Me - 'Please come and get them, they're driving me nuts with excitement'



However, in the past (first couple of months divorced) he pulled some abrupt (as in hours before) visitation cancellations so he could go out of town with friends, called me in the middle of a weekend (when I was at work, no less) to see if I could pick up the kids early, etc.

It's all about setting boundaries. We're at a pretty healthy place right now, co-parenting wise. It just takes some effort from both parties.

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#4 of 6 Old 08-09-2010, 02:56 PM
 
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in all honesty? With the ages of the children concerned? I'd leave it to them to sort out.
ita.
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#5 of 6 Old 08-10-2010, 02:51 AM
 
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In all honesty? With the ages of the children concerned? I'd leave it to them to sort out.
Agreed.

Another thought: Does your ex have a job with a crazy schedule? Mine really does, so when I feel irritated about last-minute schedule changes I really try to distinguish between:

1- Last-minute meetings and business trips that he just can't help (and which enable him to pay child support, because he's doing his job well); and times he was just inconsiderate and forgot to communicate until the last minute.

2- Times when accommodating him would truly mess up my family's schedule; and times when I feel inclined to say no without any real reason, just because it's last-minute.

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#6 of 6 Old 08-10-2010, 08:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I let them go if they want to/if they don't want to. DD2 hasn't slept there (holidays aside) in about two years.

Ex flipped out the other day at her, telling her that I was corrupting her, making her not want to see them (Ex, SM and 2 half-sibs).

DD2 already had plans on the day he wanted to see them, DD1 too. DD1 however will drop everything to see them, while DD2 will drop nothing. I told him, it was their decision if they wanted to keep their plans or change them.

I was told (bya very irate DD) that her dad said I should force her to go. Just checking to make sure I'm not crazy.

The only issue I have is the cat-fight that resulted on who got the car, but they figured that one out on their own.

And Jeannine - Ex is a lawyer. His hours can get a little wacky depending on the case he's trying, but this was a 'hey we're near your guys, come meet us for lunch in twenty minutes' kind of thing. Normally if he can't come on a day, he just comes the next day or another week day.

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