Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: surrounded by testosterone
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Maybe when she's in her teens?
At 9, kids are still learning to keep track of which learning materials they need to bring home, to get their homework done. ALSO keeping track of which possessions need to be at which parent's house is an additional burden that's not a natural, expected part of growing and maturing. As you very appropriately pointed out, it wasn't her choice to have two homes. Nor did you, her parents, choose that reality for her because it was "good for her" and she "needed to learn how to handle it", like homework.
When she reaches an age where she can manage most of her possessions/assignments completely independently, between school and home - no teachers checking her assignment notebook and parents signing that they saw it - then she's ready to be told, "You were irresponsible and left your flute at your other parent's house, so you'll have to suffer the consequences."
My twin sons are in 8th grade and only this school year am I starting to make this 100% their responsibility. Next year, they'll be in high school and they need to be ready to have a lot more expectations heaped upon them. But until now, I've tried to remind myself: "If their Dad and I knew what they needed to transport from one house to the next - and what a pain it would be if those things got left behind - and WE failed to notice that they didn't have their sweatsuit, or shoes, or lunch boxes, on the way to the car... Then it's understandable that the kids overlooked it."
Even now, I offer guidance and options, such as, "If you're quick to call/text/e-mail your Dad about the uniform you left at his house, he might be able to make time to drop it off in the morning, on his way to work, before your bus comes. If he can't, you need to ask your step-mom if she will bring it with her to your game (and thank her!); or ask her if I can pick it up from her while I'm running errands at noon and I'll bring it to the game. Either way, you'll have to wait 'til she or I get there, to change. It would have been a lot easier if you had remembered!"
But they're mildly Autistic. Your daughter may be ready for this responsibility sooner. But clearly - if she's forgetting things on a regular basis - she is not ready, now.
One woman in a house full of men: my soul mate:
... twin sons:
(HS seniors) ... step-son:
(a sophomore) ... our little man:
(a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all