Am I an Evil Stepmother? vent with tears - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 10-05-2010, 12:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, my stepson has done it again. Friday night he didnt come home, (i didnt call the police due to he constantly does this and i am going through an ugly custody issue with my boys dad so i dont want to give him any ammo). He texted his dad in Kuwait to tell him that his "friends" gave him laced cigarette with weed and "spiked" water with ecstasy. He didnt want to let me see him this way. (he already spent 90 days in drug rehab, 9 months in juvie, he is on probation and he knows i dont tolerate his lies). He knows that probation cant do anything right away due to budget cuts. anyways, Saturday when he came home at 9pm, he just walked in and ignored me and my boys. Sunday morning, i got up at 7 got my boys and headed to the cemetery to give my sister some flowers. My stepsons rule is if you go out leave a note or call etc. Well we got back at 930am. Thinking he was still in bed. I waited till 1pm, then went in there to see if he is ok (after diong pills and smoking stuff my mind makes me wonder). Low and behold, he was gone. I was furious, but tried to keep it in. I told his dad that i cant have him walk all over me like this. So Sunday night when my stepson strolled in again at 930pm i had his dad call him. His dad said either follow the rules of the house or call your mother to get you, sign up for job corps, go back to AA, do something. Monday morning comes, i wake my step son up for school, i drop off my oldest at high school. I checked on line, stepson didnt go to school all day. I left him 6 dllrs for bus fare for his probation meeting. So when i came home after work, stepson took the 6 dllrs, took the 54 dllrs from my sons room that they were saving for knotts scary farm, he took my little ones ipod and left a good bye note saying he cant live here anymore, and will check in so i know he isnt dead. It was like what the herbert did i do wrong to make this kid not understand basic rules is what he needs. I mean all of his teachers say he isnt doing anything in class. Due to when he went to juvie and rehab and continuation schools they just give credits for showing up, extra if you do a thing or too. HE isnt use to going back to a school that requires "goodness gracious" learning and work. I feel like i failed my husband for not keeping his son safe, failed my sons for not keeping there items safe, and failed myself (not sure for what yet, but i know i will think of it). I dont think i am that evil. I mean none of his family or his own mother wanted anything to do with him due to his anger, and theft. Then the one who steps up to help gets basically gets spit on. I did call the police, and i did press charges for stealing the money and my sons IPOD, i know some people make think that is harsh, but honestly I do protect my boys, but i also show them i dont tolerate theft. (please be nice on responses)
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#2 of 12 Old 10-05-2010, 01:05 PM
 
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You aren't the evil stepmom. You are the one who is THERE.
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I mean none of his family or his own mother wanted anything to do with him due to his anger, and theft. Then the one who steps up to help gets basically gets spit on.
Everyone else has written him off. You are the one getting spit on...because you are THERE. It seems to me, if they have written him off because of this behavior in the past, and the behavior is continuing, it likely has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the one in the way this time.

I think pressing charges is exactly the right thing to do. You have to protect your children, even if it's from members of their own family. And your step son has to learn, eventually, that there are consequences to his actions, and the only way for him to learn that is to continue to have consequences.
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#3 of 12 Old 10-05-2010, 01:07 PM
 
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couldn't read and not

I'm sorry. He sounds like a mixed up young man, and that's not your fault. It's really tough that you have to raise him without his dad physically there - i'm pretty sure if i was in the forces DH wouldn't get access with DD1, she'd stay with her dad. You're in a pretty unique, very difficult, situation. It's not your fault mama. You're doing your best, that's all anyone can do.
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#4 of 12 Old 10-05-2010, 01:39 PM
 
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Sometimes doing the right thing is hard, but please don't think of yourself as wicked. He was clearly in the wrong here. Good job staying strong.
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#5 of 12 Old 10-05-2010, 08:03 PM
 
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You have done nothing wrong. period. You have shown far more kindness for him than I would have done. far far more.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#6 of 12 Old 10-06-2010, 09:06 PM
 
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You are NOT wicked or anything else. Even if he were your own son, there would come a time when you need tough love. YOu have yourself and your children to think of and you cannot let your SS walk all over you.
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#7 of 12 Old 10-12-2010, 01:32 PM
 
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s

You're a GOOD stepmom!

I think it's absolutely the right thing to press charges- he has stolen from *your* children. I know you don't want to upset your husband, but your kids come first, and this kid is clearly past the point of needing some very tough love.

Your kids come first, and you're showing them that you won't let anyone mess with them and get away with it.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this- it must be difficult enough to have your husband away and in combat without trying to keep house and home for his very troubled son, too.

Hang in there!

Doctors aren't out to kill you or your children. Childbirth isn't inherently safe. Science is actually smarter than your intuition. Lighten up. Use sunscreen.

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#8 of 12 Old 03-09-2011, 07:43 PM
 
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You are in a difficult situation and hopefully things have improved. You are doing an amazing job of trying to hold things together while your husband is deployed. Teenage boys desperately need their fathers. They need guidance, direction and mentoring, but more than that they need their father's time. Something your stepson does not have. He is acting out, crying out for help. He is a train wreck waiting to happen and his father needs to be home with him, not overseas. Find employment where he can be at home every night. Organise fishing and camping trips, a building project, something they can do together. The life of this young man is at stake, and the father should drop everything to be there for him.

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#9 of 12 Old 03-10-2011, 04:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Optimism70 View Post

You are in a difficult situation and hopefully things have improved. You are doing an amazing job of trying to hold things together while your husband is deployed. Teenage boys desperately need their fathers. They need guidance, direction and mentoring, but more than that they need their father's time. Something your stepson does not have. He is acting out, crying out for help. He is a train wreck waiting to happen and his father needs to be home with him, not overseas. Find employment where he can be at home every night. Organise fishing and camping trips, a building project, something they can do together. The life of this young man is at stake, and the father should drop everything to be there for him.


well unfortuantely the military isn't going to let Dad just go home because his son is troubled. It's not like Dad is not there by choice, he is in the military, serving the country and cannot just drop everything and come home....seriously come on.

 

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#10 of 12 Old 03-10-2011, 06:55 PM
 
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Yeah really. I live in a military city and it is EXTREMELY commonplace for women to give birth alone because their one trusted friend is watching their other child, and dad is deployed and can't make it home for the birth. Happens ALL the time. No way is the military going to let this dad come home "just" because his kid is getting into trouble.


Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

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#11 of 12 Old 03-11-2011, 11:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post




well unfortuantely the military isn't going to let Dad just go home because his son is troubled. It's not like Dad is not there by choice, he is in the military, serving the country and cannot just drop everything and come home....seriously come on.

 


I didn't read it that dad's in the military. I think he's a civilian contractor. That still means he signed a contract, but he could come home once it's done (or now with a penalty, I believe). He has chosen to leave his family. His wife is at home dealing with his son because neither of the son's parents want to. The OP's husband has put her in a really crummy place.

 


It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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#12 of 12 Old 03-13-2011, 03:50 PM
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I didn't read it that dad's in the military. I think he's a civilian contractor. That still means he signed a contract, but he could come home once it's done (or now with a penalty, I believe). He has chosen to leave his family. His wife is at home dealing with his son because neither of the son's parents want to. The OP's husband has put her in a really crummy place.

 

Or perhaps he is trying to support his family? Jeez, I get that the mom has a raw deal, trying to handle DH's son but come on it's not like he isn't ever coming back.

I imagine once his contract is up he WILL come home...He wouldn't just stay away forever and once he is home I am sure the OP is going to really lay it out for him what things have been like and they will evaluate the work situation from there.

 

Have you never known anyone whose parents HAD to travel to support their family? It is not easy for anyone and often it is the best or only option to support the family. Step off that high horse a little bit there.
 

 

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