FaceBook Dilemma as a Stepmom - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 10-11-2010, 12:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My 13 year old DSD recently sent me a family request on FB, listing me as her mom. I just noticed it and emailed DH for advice. DH and I are both FB friends with bio mom. To my knowledge, Facebook doesn't have any step options (stepmother/father/daughter/son). Because of this, I have refrained from listing any of the children, even my DS, as I didn't want my stepdaughters to feel unloved or like they don't matter to me.

I asked DH if he would talk to bio mom about her feelings regarding this.

Has this happened to any of you? What have you done or what would you do?

Thanks!
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#2 of 13 Old 10-11-2010, 01:20 PM
 
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My stepmom is listed as my mom on fb. My mom doest have a fb, but Im sure she would be mad if she knew. Can you list more than one mom? Maybe she sent that request to her biomom as well.

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#3 of 13 Old 10-11-2010, 01:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post
My stepmom is listed as my mom on fb. My mom doest have a fb, but Im sure she would be mad if she knew. Can you list more than one mom? Maybe she sent that request to her biomom as well.
It looks like she did send it to her bio mom, as well as both her stepdad and bio dad. It doesn't look like bio mom or stepdad have accepted it yet because DSD has all of us listed but our names aren't links, like DH's. DH accepted his family request from her and so his name links to his page.
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#4 of 13 Old 10-11-2010, 01:43 PM
 
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You can list multiple parents. I know a lot of kids who even have their friends parents that they are close to listed as their "mom" or "dad". I would, personally, not read too much into because of that, but I think it is nice that you are being sensitive....
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#5 of 13 Old 10-11-2010, 01:56 PM
 
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Well, I think if she has sent a request to her biomom and stepdad, there is no reason for you not to accept it. She is just listing her parents, and its great that she views you just as much a mom as her biomom.

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#6 of 13 Old 10-11-2010, 01:57 PM
 
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I've listed my mom and mother in law as parent's on FB. And I've added my DSDs but I put in Step Daughter before their names.
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#7 of 13 Old 10-11-2010, 02:50 PM
 
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I also have DSD listed as "DSD stepdaughter." She is only 7, and therefore does not have her own page, but I don't think her mom would mind if she chose to list me as her parent, as long as she also put "stepmom" after my name.

I think it is lovely she has listed you that way.

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#8 of 13 Old 10-11-2010, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies! I think my concern is that it doesn't appear she is listing stepmom next to my name in order to differentiate between stepmom and bio mom and if I accept the request as is, I think it will just say "mom" and will link to my page. if she lists me as stepmom, there won't be that link.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Basically, I just don't want bio mom to take offense. I don't take offense. I'm happy that she considers me close enough to list as a parental figure. And, honestly, I'd have listed my DSDs earlier but I was unsure how to navigate the terrain.

Thanks!
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#9 of 13 Old 10-11-2010, 07:56 PM
 
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If you're talking about the "Family" list on the left margin of most FB profile pages, here's what I understand, from accidental personal experience:

If your SD and her Mom have already confirmed each other as mother/daughter, then their names and relationships are listed in blue on their "Family" lists. (Blue = people can click on the name and call up however much of your family member's profile page is public). If you accept SD as your daughter, her name will continue to be listed on her Mom's "Family" list, under "daughter", but it will stop being blue and will only be blue, on your "Family" list. Worse, SD's Mom's name will disappear from SD's "Family" list altogether and be replaced with yours.

So, if you're friendly with her Mom, why not warn her that you're going to accept SD's request and that she should send SD another family request afterward and SD should accept. Then, SD will be listed on your family site, but not in blue; she will still be listed in blue on her Mom's list; and on SD's page, her actual Mom will be listed as her Mom. Then you can add your other kids and not feel like you're leaving out SD. Your other kids will be in blue and she won't, but they'll all be on there.

FWIW, I think it's absolutely ridiculous, in this day and age, that a technology like FB offers no options to recognize step- family members and that a person can't confirm two parents of the same gender.

I also think it's interesting that, thanks to FB, we have all these new "manners" issues to consider. I know some bio parents are offended if step-parents post any photos of their kids, or even talk much about their kids. Personally, I'd be insulted if my kids' step-mom only talked about her bio children and didn't talk about and post photos of mine. Also, I have a young step-son who lives with us, who's listed as my kid and (until his Mom joined FB) he listed me as his mother. But I have an older step-son, who was in college when DH and I married. I'm FB friends with him, but I haven't listed him as family. I worry that he's insulted by it. But I'm very conscious that I did not do any part of raising him and I don't want to offend his mother, who's also his FB friend, by implying that I've been any sort of "parent" to him.

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#10 of 13 Old 10-12-2010, 01:30 AM
 
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If my step daughter sent me that request and i accepted it then her bio would would have a cow. I would not do it just to keep the peace.
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#11 of 13 Old 10-12-2010, 04:22 AM
 
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It surprises me that this detail can't be set in Facebook. I could see where sometimes the labels could be intended to be hurtful to a family member, but it would sure solve this problem! I submitted a feature suggestion, and I would guess if others did too, they might put a higher priority to the request (in the help center, click Suggestions -> Profile). I could see it being useful for "in law" and "grand" cases too.

On topic, Jeannie's idea sounds great if it could work for your case. Otherwise, I wouldn't want to risk any ill feelings with mom and would simply explain to DSD how you appreciate her thinking of you in that way, but that Facebook doesn't have a way to list step moms yet but that you would be honored to be listed that way when the feature is available.

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#12 of 13 Old 10-12-2010, 08:54 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post
If your SD and her Mom have already confirmed each other as mother/daughter, then their names and relationships are listed in blue on their "Family" lists. (Blue = people can click on the name and call up however much of your family member's profile page is public). If you accept SD as your daughter, her name will continue to be listed on her Mom's "Family" list, under "daughter", but it will stop being blue and will only be blue, on your "Family" list. Worse, SD's Mom's name will disappear from SD's "Family" list altogether and be replaced with yours.
I think this has changed.

My DSD's sister (not DH's bio child) has five blue parents on her list (me included). I just have her listed as a child, because it would take too long to explain who she is on FB.

I have DSD (who is not on FB currently) listed as a child with "stepdaughter" in parentheses after her name.

It is ridiculous that FB has no option to designate stepparents. I don't know who you would complain to, though. They won't even let me put my legal name on my page because their silly filter catches it, and two years of complaining or requesting has garnered not a single response.

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#13 of 13 Old 10-12-2010, 09:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, guys, thanks for all the perspectives! It's great to have a group of people to pose this question to who know I'm not trying to overstep my boundaries, but that there's a child I care about whom I don't want to feel rejected or unloved by me.

At this point in time, I'm not going to do anything with the request. I'm going to have DH talk to bio mom about it. If she's uncomfortable with DSD listing me as her "mom", I will list DSD on my page (typing stepdaughter after her name). In any case, bio mom will know that I'm being considerate of her feelings.

autumngrey, I will submit a suggestion on FB.

Thanks again to everyone!
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