To meet the Bio-Mom or not meet the Bio-Mom... that is the question - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 01:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay...

So I had laid out most of my story in the thread entitled "Meeting daughter... advice wanted."

Now I'm trying to figure out if it would be a good thing or a bad thing to meet the DSD's Mom first, before I meet the DSD.

With my DP's other child I met the mom first. I wanted to do that with both of his children. I told my DP that I didn't want to meet any of his kids until I met their mothers first. I felt that if I were in their position I would want to meet the woman that my child was going to be around.

The meeting with the Bio-Mom of the DSS went great and we get along great. It really is a modern family with us. And I know that that is not normal or usual but we really do get along great and love the DSS very much. It really is a co-parenting relationship which I am truly grateful for.

However, the DSD's mom that's another story. I have been with my DP for a year and half and have never met his daughter. Mainly because of the horrible relationship the Bio-Mom and my DP have. She's wanted him back for awhile (for the child's benefit, she says). He finally told her there was no way they were getting back together. She stopped letting him see the daughter last november and he has only seen his daughter about 5 times since. It's horrible. I completely destroys him. But he finally got a lawyer and they go to court in a few weeks. We should have her within 3 weeks... God willing.

With that being said... Should I push to meet the mom or just let it be?!

I want her to know who I am and that her child is in safe hands and I'm not a threat to her child or to her as a mother. But she is jaded and I don't know if that would be the best course.

Any advice on this issue?!?!

Thanks everyone!!!

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#2 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 03:20 PM
 
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After reading both your post, I wouldn't push meeting the mom as a pre-cursor to meeting the daughter. I wouldn't push meeting the mom but wouldn't avoid it. Say hello be friendly don't be too intense.

Baby Mama, Law Student, Milk Maker:
Mom-type to DSS 10/12/03, Mom to DS 10/05/06 and DD 11/03/08.
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#3 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 08:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for the advice!!!

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#4 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 09:15 PM
 
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You. are. not. going. to. win. this. woman. over.

If it were as simple as her wanting to get back together with your DP, even then she would hate you, because she'd convince herself you're the thing standing in the way. Meeting you would just give her more concrete reasons to hate you... and enable her to build up her daughter, for why she should hate you.

But if she is also the type of woman who is so vicious and self-absorbed that when a man she allegedly loves and wants to be with turns her down, she becomes so hell-bent on hurting him that she will hurt her own child in the process... then you are wasting your time, worrying about how to start off on the right foot with her.

If you're not married to this guy yet, you need to be doing some serious deep thinking about how committed you are, to staying on this ride with him. If he is committed to being part of his child's life in spite of his ex, then he has a hard road ahead of him. He needs a partner who is all in and ready to weather the storm, or who will gracefully bow out early.

If his ex is jealous of you and withholding access to his child over it - before you've even become a part of her daughter's life - and he already has to get a court to override her, then this will get uglier, before it gets better. If it gets better.

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#5 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 09:17 PM
 
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I was/am in the exact same position as you. Crazy bio-mom, great daughter. was married to my husband for almost a year before i met his daughter. Got a lawyer after 7 months of my husband not being allowed to see his daughter because bio mom was mad he was not with her. I was introduced to SD after about 4 months of husband seeing her. we get along great! Bio mom and I have not officially "met" or ever had a conversation, but we have been in court rooms together etc. we do not have an amicable relationship and honestly, i have no desire to. she has made our lives hell for the past 2 years and i have tried to be the bigger person the entire time...to no avail. She has her life and I have mine. Fine with me! I tried but I could only try for so long.
Good luck to you. Its very hard and emotional for everyone to have to go through visitation battles. I hope yours goes smoother than ours
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#6 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 10:09 PM
 
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Yup. As Jeannine said you won't win her over. I would just let it go. She would be enraged by you wanting to meet her.
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#7 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 10:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post
You. are. not. going. to. win. this. woman. over.

If it were as simple as her wanting to get back together with your DP, even then she would hate you, because she'd convince herself you're the thing standing in the way. Meeting you would just give her more concrete reasons to hate you... and enable her to build up her daughter, for why she should hate you.

But if she is also the type of woman who is so vicious and self-absorbed that when a man she allegedly loves and wants to be with turns her down, she becomes so hell-bent on hurting him that she will hurt her own child in the process... then you are wasting your time, worrying about how to start off on the right foot with her.

If you're not married to this guy yet, you need to be doing some serious deep thinking about how committed you are, to staying on this ride with him. If he is committed to being part of his child's life in spite of his ex, then he has a hard road ahead of him. He needs a partner who is all in and ready to weather the storm, or who will gracefully bow out early.

If his ex is jealous of you and withholding access to his child over it - before you've even become a part of her daughter's life - and he already has to get a court to override her, then this will get uglier, before it gets better. If it gets better.
Thank you so much... I really needed to hear that.
I am completely in for the long haul. My DP and I have been through hell and back and it's only made us stronger. I think with the addition of his daughter our family will be complete. I was actually the one who encouraged him to get an attorney. He wanted the DSD's mom to be like the DSS's mom. It took a lot of time for him to realize that they were not the same and that the DSD's mom was using the daughter. I just think he thought no one would do that.

I am prepared for it to get uglier and that she may try to retaliate against me as well. She has made outrageous allegations against my DP where he had to be investigated and the courtsfound her allegations to be false. I am prepared that she will try to pull that stuff with me too.

My DP and i have talked about it at great length and we're prepared and will back each other's play.

Maybe I'll just let it be and God willing she'll find a man (my DP seems to think that would get her stop being so crazy). I have been committed to him despite his ex for over a year and i do realize that I will have to deal with this woman for a very long time (YIKES!!!).

Thank you for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#8 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 10:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by katslo18 View Post
I was/am in the exact same position as you. Crazy bio-mom, great daughter. was married to my husband for almost a year before i met his daughter. Got a lawyer after 7 months of my husband not being allowed to see his daughter because bio mom was mad he was not with her. I was introduced to SD after about 4 months of husband seeing her. we get along great! Bio mom and I have not officially "met" or ever had a conversation, but we have been in court rooms together etc. we do not have an amicable relationship and honestly, i have no desire to. she has made our lives hell for the past 2 years and i have tried to be the bigger person the entire time...to no avail. She has her life and I have mine. Fine with me! I tried but I could only try for so long.
Good luck to you. Its very hard and emotional for everyone to have to go through visitation battles. I hope yours goes smoother than ours
Girl... we are basically in the same spot... except i'm not hitched. hahaha.

I really don't want to ever meet this woman to be honest. I know that if I ever did meet her that I would have to be in a good place in my life so I don't have the urge to snatch her eyes out.

Maybe it's best not to meet her. It might be best to be perfect strangers at this time.

She too has made our lives hell for the past year and I am being the biggger person, although I want to intervene and pry and do all that other stuff that would just drive my man away from me.

We should know how everything goes in a few weeks... I'll keep you posted!

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#9 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 10:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yup. As Jeannine said you won't win her over. I would just let it go. She would be enraged by you wanting to meet her.
you really think so?! You really think it would enrage her?! That's no good...

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#10 of 31 Old 10-12-2010, 10:32 PM
 
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I'm just sorta crashing...got pulled in by the headline of your thread. Then I read Jeannine's response, and I think she is spot on. She's exactly right. This will get uglier. But, that little girl could use a great female role model in her life obviously, so if you're truly in, you might change her life at some point. But, oh what a sticky situation! Tread lightly and good luck to you.
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#11 of 31 Old 10-13-2010, 11:46 AM
 
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Definitely keep me posted!

My husband and I are pregnant (my first) and this is the next bump in the road...telling bio-mom of SD. We are going to tell her at the next hearing in front of the lawyers in case (well, it's pretty much a given) she has a meltdown. It's definitely a tough situation blending families, but in the end it will be worth it.
I agree with previous posters...be a good role model to the child and she will figure out that you are a good person regardless of that her mother is saying about you
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#12 of 31 Old 10-13-2010, 12:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm just sorta crashing...got pulled in by the headline of your thread. Then I read Jeannine's response, and I think she is spot on. She's exactly right. This will get uglier. But, that little girl could use a great female role model in her life obviously, so if you're truly in, you might change her life at some point. But, oh what a sticky situation! Tread lightly and good luck to you.
That's very kind of you to say. I can't wait to meet the DSD and just play with her and be a family. I know my DP feels lost and half empty when he only has one of his kids home with us.

I hope I can be a good role model for her and that she will accept me.

thank you for the good luck love! I am definitely treading lightly with this woman. She's clearly a bit nuts!

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#13 of 31 Old 10-13-2010, 12:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Definitely keep me posted!

My husband and I are pregnant (my first) and this is the next bump in the road...telling bio-mom of SD. We are going to tell her at the next hearing in front of the lawyers in case (well, it's pretty much a given) she has a meltdown. It's definitely a tough situation blending families, but in the end it will be worth it.
I agree with previous posters...be a good role model to the child and she will figure out that you are a good person regardless of that her mother is saying about you
Congrats on being preggers!!! I can't wait to have a baby someday. First step... getting hitched...

Maybe she does need a good female role model in her life. I hope the Bio-Mom doesn't stoop to planting seeds of deceit in this little girl but I wouldn't put it past her. Thank God she's 4 and she is still open to making her own decisions and hasn't really been tainted by manipulation... not so much as an 8 year old would.

Thanks for the love chica!

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#14 of 31 Old 10-13-2010, 12:22 PM
 
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She has made outrageous allegations against my DP where he had to be investigated and the courtsfound her allegations to be false.
It's important that you - and more importantly your partner - recognize that telling a young, impressionable child lies about one of their parents and trying to keep the child from spending time with that parent (so she can form her own impressions about him) is child abuse.

I'm not saying go for custody now. It's possible that she's doing things to hurt your DP, but that the daughter is largely unaware of them; and that the ex doesn't say inappropriate things directly to her. But if the ex is filing false charges against him, it's certainly a valid concern that she's overtly trying to turn the child against him, too. If that's going on, and if it continues over time, it may be a valid reason to ask whether she wouldn't be psychologically healthier, living primarily with DP.

Sadly, I think many fathers who are the victims of this type of thing look at it as primarily hurting them. They know their ex loves the child and assume the child is OK with her, it's just him that the ex hates. But it is confusing and upsetting for children to hear bad things about a beloved parent (especially if those things aren't true). It's distressing for a child to be kept away from either parent. It's also distressing for a child to feel like they're betraying/angering/hurting the parent they live with (and depend on), if they love or miss the other parent. MOREOVER, the ex is showing her daughter by example that when people you "love" don't do what you want, it's OK to lie and hurt everyone around you, in retaliation. That example could damage this little girl's relationships with friends, boyfriends, husbands and her own children, for decades to come.

It's disappointing that you had to convince your DP to get an attorney and fight this, but at least you did. Help him see that remaining a part of his daughter's life is about so much more than his "rights". It's about protecting his daughter, teaching her right from wrong and showing her she's so important that nothing could ever make him walk away from her. However devoted he hopes her husband will be to her, someday, that's how devoted he must be to her, right now - while she's 4. It's rare for women to hold out for a man who's more devoted to them than their daddy was.

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#15 of 31 Old 10-13-2010, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Jeannine... I couldn't agree more.

I just graduated from law school and my focus was on family law... ironically. It took a lot of work on my end to show my DP what this woman was doing and how she wa breaking the law.

furthermore, I have dropped little bit of information about how this is child abuse. He was going for full custody whenthe mom threatened to move to another city. She decided not to move because she knew my DP would win custody.

Once the court tells her he's allowed to see his daughter I know tha manipulation will continue. She'll switch weekends and not let him see her on certain days and then probably tell the daughter that her dad doesn't want to see her. It makes me sick... but it's better to know what we're dealing with. If that continues I will then tell my DP to ask for full custody.

He use to look at me like I didn't know what I was talking about to which I would reply.. "You're right... I don't know anything... it's not like I have a law degree or anything."

But now he seeks my advice and I let him know what he is entitled to legally. Thanksgiving will be his first holiday with both his kids since I'veknown him. I'm just hoping she doesn't try to pull a fast one... because legally it's his holiday.

My DP and I have made it a rule to not talk bad about the Bio-Moms infront of the kids or to argue with each other, especially about discipline, in front of the kids. If we disagree... we back the other's play then in private we talk about how we didn't agree and try to come to an understanding of how we can better handle the situation next time.

I think that builds stability... especially for the kids.

Thanks for the advice and support. It's nice to be able to talk with others who have been there or are currently there. My family has never experienced anything like this so I've ever green and naive about some of this stuff.

Thanks again chica!

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#16 of 31 Old 10-13-2010, 03:24 PM
 
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http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/

Fathers & Families

This is a really great resource.
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#17 of 31 Old 10-13-2010, 08:35 PM
 
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"However devoted he hopes her husband will be to her, someday, that's how devoted he must be to her, right now - while she's 4. It's rare for women to hold out for a man who's more devoted to them than their daddy was."

Can we have this carved on a monument somewhere? Because DAMN.
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#18 of 31 Old 10-21-2010, 12:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OH SWEET GOD!!!! My DP goes to court tomorrow and his attorney said I needed to be there!!!

Any advice?!?! I'm going to see her... I'm gonna probably have to testify.

I'm nervous!

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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OH SWEET GOD!!!! My DP goes to court tomorrow and his attorney said I needed to be there!!!

Any advice?!?! I'm going to see her... I'm gonna probably have to testify.

I'm nervous!
If you haven't left already...

They may not want you to testify, but only to show that you are supportive of DP.

If you do testify, speak slowly so you don't sound panicked and do not say anything unnecessarily negative about the ex. Obviously, be honest about how she has behaved. The court needs to know! But be factual. The more negative opinions you and DP express about her, the more you risk someone thinking you guys want to influence the kid to think badly about her.

Most importantly, have a glass of wine or 2, to calm your nerves AFTERWARD. Do not, under any circumstances, take anything to help with anxiety before court. You do not want to appear strung out, subdued or chemically influenced in any way. Seeming nervous is expected and OK! If you trip over your words while testifying, it's OK to acknowledge that you're nervous.

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#20 of 31 Old 10-21-2010, 10:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks chica!!! We haven't left yet. Yeah... he tells me this last night at 10pm and I heard in the message from his attorney that.. "Tomorrow... I'd like your (me) there mainly to talk about when she noticed the visitations stopped..."

I'm more nervous about seeing her... meeting her. I don't know. I'm fine with testifying... I mean I prep witnesses for court so I'll be okay. It's just being flung into interacting with her so rapidly that's getting me nervous.

It's like BAM... you're gonna see this person who's been horrible to people you love.

I have to not think of it that way. I'm going to support my man and be by his side and I will not let her presence affect that.

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#21 of 31 Old 10-21-2010, 11:15 AM
 
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I don't know if you guys are in trial or not but from what I have been through...it was never a testifying type of thing. The lawyers do most of the talking. If you are going to trial, there will be a bunch of jibber jabber that happens before you get there. That's what happened with us at least! I think it also depends what state you're in. Also, Even at the probate court...I didn't have to meet her. I was there to be supportive of my husband you know? I just avoided her. There was no use in playing nice. GOOD LUCK!
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#22 of 31 Old 10-22-2010, 12:07 AM
 
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How did it go?
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#23 of 31 Old 10-24-2010, 03:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay... so I had to testify. I testified about when I noticed the visitations stopped, why I think they stopped and if my DP was intentionally avoiding his daughter.

Talk about the most uncomfortable situation to be in. My DP's attorney was shocked when I told him we had been dating for over a year and half and I never met the daughter. I told him the reason was because I respected the mom and wanted to meet her first. Well... that went out the door when I was asked to testify. both sides couldn't agree on one thing. the best part was that the court saw how manipulative she was/is and how none of her stories added up and that she was the one being inconsistent. The court told both parties to submit thier proposals and he would reach a decision in 10 days... UGH!!!

He asked to see her this weekend and was rebuffed. But then... oh... Saturday... she text that the daughter wants to see the dad. My DP tries to find something for them to do and we had his son this weekend. They finally agree to go bowling. My heartbroke!!!! I hate hate hate this. I hate that they get together and "family" things and I'm left out. Am I being selfish... slightly yes... but I'm not a secret and she has "met" me. So today they were bowling and I told him that I wanted to go and join them. My rationale was that the court is making a decision in 10days and me showing up is not going to change that. So with my DP's permission I "stopped by." We said that I was in the area and was stopping in to say hello and to meet her properly and to meet the DSD.

Wel... as you can imagine it did not go so well. I showed up she saw me and said, "We did not agree to this and we're leaving." I told her I would leave, that I was in the area and I wanted to meet her. She said, "I don't ever want to meet you and as far as i'm concerned you're a whore." I told her "Nice language infront of the kids." and left.

So yeah... I got called a whore infront of the kids... nice huh?! At least I know what I'm dealing with and not to pursue anything related to her. I'm having my DP call his attorney when he gets home.

Maybe it was wrong to go but I really don't know. My DP and DSS are my family... they are all I have up here. I hope my DP stood up for me when I left, because I stood up for him and stood by him through all kinds of garbage. I just cant' handle the "family" activities going on and me not be involved. I don't know how much more I can take.

What do you ladies think?!

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#24 of 31 Old 10-24-2010, 04:00 PM
 
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I would leave it alone for now. Sounds like She is struggling with some issues around her and your DP's breakup. The preemptive meeting may be to much for her right now and go badly for everyone. What does your DP think about you meeting her at this point? He may be the best judge of how things will play out.

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#25 of 31 Old 10-24-2010, 04:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would leave it alone for now. Sounds like She is struggling with some issues around her and your DP's breakup. The preemptive meeting may be to much for her right now and go badly for everyone. What does your DP think about you meeting her at this point? He may be the best judge of how things will play out.

The DP knows she's vile and there is no pleasing her. I'm just gonna go on with my life and when it comes to the DSD We'll end up being those parents/step parent that just don't get along. I will never speak ill of her infront of her daughter or the DSS. I will keep the door open for us to be able to tolerate each other and if anything be fake friendly for the kids sake.

I don't want to be this woman's friend and I realize the relationship I have with the DSS's mother is unusual... we're really good friends. I guess I got spoiled by her and the fact that she's a mature person who only wants the best for her son.

The DP would want everyone to get along but she's made outrageous allegations against him and then wants to reconcile thier relationship and then when he says no she freaks out.

I tried... and maybe it was too soon but I think I would have gotten that reaction whenever we met... be it now or 4 years from now.

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#26 of 31 Old 10-24-2010, 04:26 PM
 
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In a very short time, the judge will issue his decree, you'll have a set schedule of visitation, and your ONLY important stepmama job will be to adhere to it, treat your DSD with affections, and let the relationship between you develop naturally. You can't control what her mom tells her, but you and DP can show her that you are nice people who only want to be allowed to love and care for her.
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#27 of 31 Old 10-24-2010, 04:28 PM
 
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So your DP agreed to hang out with her and his daughter? Not very cool imo to be with her and exclude you.

You asked what I think--it might not be what you want to hear but I would suggest getting out now. This situation will be a thorn in your side for YEARS to come. If your DP does not step up immediately and set some clear boundaries with the mom then yeah, run.
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#28 of 31 Old 10-24-2010, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So your DP agreed to hang out with her and his daughter? Not very cool imo to be with her and exclude you.

You asked what I think--it might not be what you want to hear but I would suggest getting out now. This situation will be a thorn in your side for YEARS to come. If your DP does not step up immediately and set some clear boundaries with the mom then yeah, run.
I really you hear you on that. If this does not change once the judge makes a decision I'm packing my bags. In the past we agreed to not include me just because she has so much control right now concerning when he can and cannot see his daughter. So it's by her rules for now. But once the judge makes a decision concerning visitation this better all change. If it doesn't I really don't think I can be a part of this anymore. I'm willing to be by his side but I need to know that he's got my back. He hasn't gotten back yet... hopefully he stood up for me after I left. If not... we might have a problem.

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#29 of 31 Old 10-24-2010, 10:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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In a very short time, the judge will issue his decree, you'll have a set schedule of visitation, and your ONLY important stepmama job will be to adhere to it, treat your DSD with affections, and let the relationship between you develop naturally. You can't control what her mom tells her, but you and DP can show her that you are nice people who only want to be allowed to love and care for her.

Thank you momma! I hope this all works out because I'm loosing it. I have a headache tonight and I can't eat. I'm going to bed early and hopefully this tomorrow will be better. Thank you for the love

Me... DP.. DSS and soon... DSD
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#30 of 31 Old 10-25-2010, 12:22 PM
 
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Here is my opinion!

First of all I can't believe you had to testify! What state do you live in?

Second, look at this from your BF's point of view. He hasn't seen his daughter and in all honesty, that is the #1 thing on his mind. Believe me when I say I KNOW THIS SUCKS, but right now the only thing he can do is play along with with the bio-mom in order to not ruffle any feathers so he can see his daughter.
I have told you...same thing happened to me and the whole "family time" thing is infuriating. It is very noble of you to want to meet and make peace with the bio-mom but she is in her own world where she most likely thinks she is going to get him back. If she is calling you a whore in front of the kids, she is definitely in a different mind set.
I trusted my husband when he was forced to do family time things. As much as it bothered me, I went along with it and stuck by him. I knew he didn't want to be with her but had to tolerate her and her stupid games so he could see his daughter and wait to see how things panned out in court.
I definitely had my fair share of meltdowns about them spending time together but it has worked out. She is still trying to get family time 2.5 years later, by the way. He has stood strong and refused as he doesn't want to confuse the child.
You definitely need to be confident in your relationship with your partner if you are going to make it through this situation. it's really hard and stressful...it takes its toll for sure.

If you're 100% invested, you need to sit down with your partner and make sure you are both on the same page. If he isn't as invested as you, it would probably be better to get out now and save yourself the stress and heartache.
If he is in it with you for the long haul...be patient, family court and blended families take a lot of work and it's a very long process. Very long.

Good Luck and Good Thoughts!
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