Guess what, less than 3 months after he went back, social services asked if we would have him back. We said yes, if necessary and spelled out what we required, one thing being that it is permanent (we have not only to worry about Z's futture etc but our other children as well). As a result, I guess nothing is going to happen.
Z is back up there doing drugs etc again.
I don't know what we are going to do, we offered our help and just keep being knocked back or treated like crap and to be honest, this may sound awful, but I am ill enough as it is, having Z here made me so much worse, it really unsettled the girls, the effect on the finances were devastating, I almost lost my marriage, its not right that Z is where he is doing what he is doing but when I look at the whole picture and what him living with us might do to us, I am just not sure that him being here would work out (there are a couple of Z's behaviour issues that I am not going to discuss here that give cause for concern and also affect my thinking about the whole thing).
I don't know what can be done, I don't know what too do. We tried to keep in contact with Z after he went but he wasn't interested.
Whole thing sucks.
I dunno, I just don't understand why his mum won't do anything to improve the situation.
We are prepared to offer permanency, stability, discipline (although it is gentle discipline), education even if we were to end up home schooling him again because he did respond well to that) etc etc etc, I know SS thought it would be a good idea but they can't do anything without the mums say so unless it gets to such a point.
We suggested to his mum that she move and her response was 'I don't see why I should move', she complains about money, we say say get a different job and she says 'I don't see why I should change jobs, I like my job'........ Everything that goes wrong is Z's fault and it is heart breaking.
I have to admit about being in 2 minds about havng him here again should that happen BUT if its a toss up between my feelings and his well being, his well being trumps my feelings hands down.
How can I feel like that about him and yet his own mum doesn't?
Truely gutting. We will see how it goes though, from what SS said, they were working on different ways forwards with him so they might have come up with something but everyone keeps leaving us out of the loop.
I guess I will post now and again on how things go........ Thanks though, you folk have always been a source of support no matter what issues I have had with the situation...... I just wish people would stop treating kids like posessions, having been there myself, its not fun.
It looks like he is coming back............
His mum is willing to give up custody of him etc......... Jeez, poor kid is all over the place. His behaviour etc hasn't been sorted, he is in a lot of trouble, yet again we are going to have to deal with his drink, drug, smoking, stealing and what ever other problems he has (compulsive eating, sleep disorders etc).
DH and the ex are going to sort it out properly, we will be getting him into school, getting him back to the docs to get his sleep problems sorted out etc, getting him into counselling and what not and hopefully, having social services involved in order to support us.
I am still not sure about everything but he has no where else to go and he NEEDS us although I don't think he realises it and no doubt will take a lot of settling in again and tears etc.
Fingers crossed, right?
... and absolutely, yes, social services involved. Does the UK offer residential treatment at all? In the US it is available only in extreme cases - but it might do Z a great deal of good to hear from his mom AND his dad AND a social worker that the choice from now until turns 18 is your home or a residential home, and that mom's home is totally off the table as a choice.
Zs mum wants us to have him back in the next 10 days which we cannot do, I have stated not until after christmas, from the sounds of things we are going to have a harder time this time than last time and we do want the girls a) prepared and b) to have some quality time with us, we don't even have a bed Z can use at the moment, so we do need time to prepare. I was thinking that maybe, if things are getting really difficult for her, whether social services could offer her some time away, it sounds awful but then DH and I want this all to be done in a controlled manner so it doesn't cause too much stress for everyone.
Apart from anything else, DD2 is suffering from some serious anxiety issues (she is 5 today), the docs etc are concerned about her and it would be nice to just try and get her a bit more sorted, or at least get things rolling and have her chilling out a bit more before Z comes (DD2 was in tears today, she 'couldn't' go to school because apparently, if she did, DH and I would die while she was there and then we would be buried and turn into ghosts and she has never seen ghosts before and it scares her', she is scared of the kids at school, the teachers, the toys, she is scared of the nightmares at home, she is scared of being upstairs alone, she is just scared, she suffers stomach issues as well and I don't know how much her stomach issues are influencing her anxiety and vice versa and to be honest, having Z dumped here all of a sudden isn't going to be great for her and I do have to consider her number one priority right now, Z and Zs mum had our help before and messed it up whereas poor DD2 has just been suffering all bloody year with pain, fatigue, sleep issues, anxiety, nightmares, crying, diarhoea etc and I am really worried/scared about her situation).............
I don't know, we will see how things go, its not that I want Z in care for a while, I don't want to punish his mum by saying we can't have him until such a date, but I do have to consider all the other factors in the situation.............
I just don't understand how they both managed to mess up so badly again?
If residential care is an option, I really think it's a good one. Not that he'll have a wonderful time, but to serve as a line of demarcation between his life at Mom's and his new life with you, to hopefully have some counseling (maybe a couple of family sessions with you and his dad as well?), and to drive home the point that his choices are your house and rules or residential care and IT'S rules. I would have you DH call social services about this and see what can be worked out.