what a tough situation you are dealing with here.
secondly, when it comes right down to it, your xdh telling your son to "take his best shot" or a "swing at him" well... that is simply just wrong. i would imagine that the police would be in favour of charging your ex with assault on your son... your son is in no way a man, he is still a child at 12 and in no way an equal in terms of "man to man" with your exdh. cps would consider that sort of talk or action to be abusive and even endangerment of your son when he is in your ex'x care. i would be worried that by allowing him to go with your ex after such an altercation that you would be considered neglectful and allowing your son to attend a situation where he could easily be threatened, attack or called out as if he were a grown man. i would re-consider any access occurring between them other than via phone or texting until you find out just what the laws and regulations cps has in your area concerning situations like the one you have described. and then to have sm convincing a situation like this occurringbeing your son's fault... well imo your son is the child... your dh should never ever have treated him the way he did, slamming him to the floor
i would be frightened for my son. what will come next as your ds continues to grow to manhood and continues to test the waters the way boys do at puberty. if this is an example of what your ex wants your son to imitate... or the way in which he plans to handle further altercations, because they will occur, it is a natural part of the separation process and the move towards our children becoming the type of adults they hope to become. your ex's behaviour frankly frightens me just reading about a 12 yo boy being slammed to the floor for any reason. here in bc canada the police would have charged your dh without his or your consent and cps would have also been called. your dh and his new wife would bein serious jeopardy of losing any childrenthey havein their home and enjoying any unsupervised access with the children that you share.
at 16 your dd has the right to refuse to attend access with her dad or sm, if she so chooses. and if the woman has a mental disorder that ispotentially harmful to your dd then i would encourage dd to keep her distance. our parents are not our bff's, ever... they are our parents no matter how close we are to one another. your ex and his wife sound not only toxic to your children and your relationship with them, but to their relationship with their new younger sibling and to your relationship with them as well.
i would call the police first then cps, explain what happened and ask them what they advise you to do next.
your dd sounds like a typical 16yo girl. and your son a typical nearly 13yo boy. pushing boundaries, testing waters of adulthood, seeing how far they can go before you truly mean business with discipline. they are sassy at that age, they dont listen too well, unless it suits them... they are disrespectful when they can get away with it... in those situations i always gave them a way out. we called it taking the stairs. you know when a building is on fire and you shouldnt take the elevator but rather the stairs. in our home taking the stairs meant backing up a minute and making sure that where they were headed was really the route they wanted to take or did they want to back it up a bit and start over. we found it very successful, it worked with the little ones i had too when they started the sassy years and tricky twos etc. we alwasy offered are you sure you want to go this way, or would you like to cool down a bit and take the stairs. more often than not they took the stairs. so easy for anyone to speak without thinking, more so with a teen or pre-teen... so nice to have a chance to "take back" what was just about to get ugly before it did.
perhaps there is some sort of family counseling offered in your community that could help you through this with your dh and you two could find some way of getting on the same page as far as discipline goes... especially while your wee one is still little...
lol, my response is about as long as your post, haha, i am a bit of a babbling brook when i get going. but darn parenting is hard enough in an intact family, add a couple new spouses to the picture, a baby and puberty to the mix and hoohaw we arent talking baking cupcakes anymore. it's hard hard work
you sound to me rather like the sort of mom i was to mine when they were the ages yours are now. and imo, it seems you have given your kids the self esteem to stand up for themselves when they think they are right... it is sad to watch someone undermine that... especialy a testosterone driven exdh and a crazytown sm
and please for your children's sake do contact the authorities to ensure that you are not contributing to their being in any sort of danger by allowing the kids to go into his care when a violent incident has occurred.