This hurts me and he thinks I'm being stupid, am I wrong? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 03:11 PM - Thread Starter
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I am just wanting to know if I am being plain stupid.

I have been with my 8 month old son's father for almost 3 years. He has a 6 year old from a previous marriage.

When I first met him, he let me know how special his daughter was to him. How her birth was the best thing that had ever happened to him, how he felt like a king holding her for the first time, and how he loves her more than anything in this world. He would tell me this stuff all the time. I thought that was so awesome that he was such a caring dad.

Fast forward to the pregnancy with our son. He was not involved and didn't seem happy at all. At every ultrasound, he would re-live wonderful memories of his daughter's ultrasounds and how special they were. I'm going to be honest, it hurt me a lot.

He never talked happy about our son, he only would re-live memories of his daughter. He would talk about how he bought his daughter's crib and put it up. The church had to give me a crib for my son and his BROTHER put it up.

Fast forward to our son's birth (2-7-10)

He was not happy that day. Unlike how happy he said he was at his daughter's birth, he was not happy at our son's. I almost died that day and his son did too. Something went wrong with my blood pressure and heart. I never did get to find out exactly what. All I know is my blood pressure dropped to 60 over 28. My heart was up and down. I passed out twice and don't remember much. It was so scary. My son's father kept leaving the room on me. I was begging him to stay with me. He acted upset and like I was just being a big baby. I was just wanting SOMEONE to be there with me because I was so scared. My sister came over. Then HIS brother came over with his wife and kids. He doesn't really get along with his brother. His brother is a great person tho and so is his brother's wife. Anyways, my sister stayed in there with me.

Finally, our son was born. Happiest moment ever for me! My sister went over to the warmer to see baby and take pictures, she was crying with happiness, telling me how beautiful he was. My son's father? He was standing in the corner completely away from everything. My sister yelled for him "come meet your son" He barely walked over to the warmer and stood way back and looked at his son like he was basically nothing. He didn't touch him or come close. He had no expression on his face. No happiness, nothing. They gave the baby to me to hold. He just stood there. They asked if anyone else wanted to hold baby. His brother and his brother's wife had came in to the room, his brother said he wanted to hold the baby. His brother held our son and talked to gently to him, then his brother's wife held our son and was so sweet to him. They both kissed him and told him they loved him.

But, my son's father didn't hold him. Later in my room, he told me that this day reminded him of his daughter's birth and how he felt when he held her for the first time. How she was the most beautiful thing on the earth. I cried to myself because he didn't even hold our son and hadn't held him NONE (not one time) when he got back to my room.

He say's that he was just too nervous. He was afraid that he might hurt our son. That the day his daughter was born, he had taken a Xanax and wasn't nervous. Whatever, I don't buy it.

This morning he woke me up hugging me. He was telling me that he has only ever felt this way about one other person (his daughter) and that he has only ever held anyone as beautiful as me before, his daughter. Our son was laying beside me, in the bed with us. I began to cry my eyes out. I told him why and how bad this hurt me. I cried so hard.

He got upset and said that I was just trying to start sh*t with him again. He doesn't understand that this hurts me that our son doesn't make him feel happy, he never says he is in love with OUR baby. He NEVER remembers our baby on the day of his birth. It's like our son doesn't matter to him. Our son is just a toy.

Also, we were talking one day about our favorite months. He said his was February because that is his daughter's birth month, his aunts birthday, his mamaws birthday and then he got quiet and I just looked at him. I said, it's our sons birth month too, and then ohhh he forgot, it's his favorite month because of our sons birthday too. Whatever.

He says I just like to start trouble. Am I wrong to feel so upset? Am I stupid for crying? I just want to know if I am strange for crying.

Please help?
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#2 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 03:22 PM
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I think you need to bring it up to him at a seperate time. Meaning, just take time to sit him down and tell him you have something you want to talk about, and then discuss it from there. Bringing it up as a reaction to to his affection for your or another discussion, and especially being so emotional about it might be putting him on the defensive.

I do think you have a right to be upset. It certainly sounds like he's playing favorites among his kids that is not right.

One thing I wanted to mention though, is it possible that he is reacting badly to how scary your labor and delivery were? Like, perhaps he is having a hard time bonding with his son because maybe he is seeing it like the baby almost took you from him-ie blaming the baby, maybe even subconsiously? Or that just in general, he had a lot of scary emotions about the day that he simply hasn't properly processed?
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#3 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
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I thought about that too (him being scared) but he was acting distant before the emergency even occured.

The whole thing is just awful to me. Everytime birth comes up, he mentions his daughter and I end up crying (to myself usually) about how he doesn't even remember his son's birth and never will.

He even acts "fake" around our son. Like he HAS to tell him he loves him to make me happy. It's so weird. I feel so badly for my son.
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#4 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 03:56 PM
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I'm being presumptuous; it sounds like there are a lot of issues in the relationship and this is adding to it. Would your husband agree to counseling? If money is an issue, there are a lot of low-cost or free programs out there (in the US). If your husband wouldn't go, would you?

This would be a very big deal (to me). Your son doesn't understand it now, but if it continues, he will. You have every right to be upset and hurt.
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#5 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 04:10 PM
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I wonder, if you were to ask the mother of his daughter, would she have the same story as him? Or is he perhaps revising history to make himself look/feel better? Perhaps he was as distant with his daughter as with his son. My oldest daughter's father, to hear his version of events, he was father of the year while I was a harpie shrew who kept him away from his precious child. Reality? Not even close.
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#6 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 04:16 PM
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i feel sad for you. it really makes me think of postpartum depresion. wonder if it happens to dads? i have a couple of ideas for you to think about.

was acting distant before the health problems started or after.

he may of not wanted a son. i have see it happen where they bond with one child and not the other due to their sex.

he may feel that by loving his son he is not loving his daughter to the fullest. maybe he feels that he dont have enought love to give both.
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#7 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 04:30 PM
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forum crashing, by way of your thread in tao. first of all, that sounds miserable. when you raise an issue and he says you're "just trying to start sh!t" that is pretty classic emotional abuse - denying that your feelings matter, blocking out anything you have to say, not being willing to take responsibility for anything and blaming it all on you. and the fact that he will go from idealizing you to completely devaluing you just moments later, that sounds like pretty classic borderline personality disorder.

see if this sounds like your relationship:

i will admit that i probably tend to "see" abuse and personality disorders more quickly than others because i have been there, and i may be reading into things and seeing something that's not really there. however, this is definitely not normal. even if i'm wrong in relating it to my past experience, that doesn't mean everything's okay. the way he talks to you is not okay.

i recommend going to counseling without him.
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#8 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Annie Mac View Post
I wonder, if you were to ask the mother of his daughter, would she have the same story as him? Or is he perhaps revising history to make himself look/feel better? Perhaps he was as distant with his daughter as with his son. My oldest daughter's father, to hear his version of events, he was father of the year while I was a harpie shrew who kept him away from his precious child. Reality? Not even close.
This. I'm also forum crashing but this was my thought. I'd be willing to bet that he was NOT all "that" present at his daughter's birth. It really sounds like wishful thinking on his part.

How does he treat his daughter now? Aside from this issue how does he treat you, OP, generally? It is completely unacceptable for hime to treat your son this way.

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#9 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 05:04 PM
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This sounds terribly upsetting, I'm so sorry.

It sounds to me like he is depressed about the end of his relationship with his daughter's mother, and their time as a family together. My mom has been depressed since my dad left ten years ago and she still talks about their time together in a nostalgic way, like you've described with your husband and his daughter.

Hard to say without actually talking to everyone, of course. Counseling for the whole family is in order, I'd say.

good luck mama, and again, hugs.

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#10 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 05:18 PM
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Sometimes a parent doesn't bond right away, but eventually they do over time. It's a normal response for many. Also, he may be feeling a bit of fear over the whole birth experience (& prior to that, and probably still, fear that he may not love the 2nd as he loves the first, a NORMAL fear for most parents when expecting a second child). Perhaps he feels that loving his son is some kind of betrayal of his daughter, or maybe the changing relationship w/ you (ie. you are now a "mother" instead of simply a "wife") is challenging. He could be holding onto a wide array of unexpressed emotions, but feel unable to express them safely. I also understand that you are feeling overwhelming emotions right now b/c you have a new baby & had an automatic experience of love and bonding. You and he are in different places right now, but that doesn't mean that things won't change over the next several months.

It sounds like you each need to give each other room to honestly express your fears, hopes and dreams. It's difficult to do if either of you feels judged. I agree w/ a prior post about counseling if communication is strained right now.
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#11 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 05:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Annie Mac View Post
I wonder, if you were to ask the mother of his daughter, would she have the same story as him? Or is he perhaps revising history to make himself look/feel better? Perhaps he was as distant with his daughter as with his son. My oldest daughter's father, to hear his version of events, he was father of the year while I was a harpie shrew who kept him away from his precious child. Reality? Not even close.
this. My mom's second husband used to brag about how much he loved his daughter and how he was such an awesome father, but then when she'd come to visit (um, for two weeks in the summer and part of christmas vacation) he basically ignored her the entire time and my mom would be harassing him to go spend *SOME* time with her.

Anyway, that was my first thought reading your story.

So not fair.

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#12 of 16 Old 11-02-2010, 07:18 PM
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you are not stupid in any way shape or form for feeling the way you do.

a lot of things the other posters said occurred to me also. although you did say that he was distant before things got scary in your labour. in retrospect and thinking about your description of how he treated you and your unborn son during your pg... i wonder if he was concerned about not feeling that instant love and excitement you feel with your first baby. so in love long before their precious face is looking back at you from your arms. of course you felt these feelings during your pg, this was your first baby.

my dp and i were very close friends for many years before we became partners. i remember clearly a couple of conversations we had before his second dd was born. he was so so worried, and felt such guilt and fear that he wasnt as in love with this one on the way as he had felt with his first dd. it was tearing him apart and he was so worried that he wouldnt love her at first site the way he had with titi (dd1), and it is true he didnt fall in love with bean (dd2) the same way he did with titi and that didnt help the situation at all either.
all i could do was listen to what he was feeling and encourage him with the truth that when you go on to have subsequent babies you don't feel the same way you did with your first. sometimes you feel totally opposite and even dread their arrival, not all pg's are the greatest or convenient kwim. we beat ourselves up as mothers for that also, but that is a whole other topic. anyhow, perhaps all this going on and on about his dd, in the beginning of your relationship helped him still feel as though he hadnt lost anything any status any iota of the thruth that he was still her daddy. even tho they werent together everyday/night. maybe all that reminiscing about her made her feel closer to him.
fast forward to the now and he has a new baby on the way. maybe he doesnt feel as excited and 'in love' the way we are with our first one. we already know number one, we know their toes and fingers and that way they look at you that melts your heart... this new baby coming... well it sort of feels like a stranger compared to one you already know so well. and there is your darling wife, and you know that she is feeling those ways you felt when you were having your first baby, how on earth can you explain to her that you are scared sh!tless that you dont have those same feelings for this one... scared that those feelings wont come at all... and then your son is born, and not only are you still struggling with all these feelings and all this fear and guilt over what the heck you are going to do when he arrives, how will you respond and how is it so simple and easy for all these other people in your family to feel teh way they are, and why isnt it that way for you... and then things really get scary because you might just lose your prescious wife but even a little worse this darling boy who all of a sudden you realise you do love as much as you ever did your dd. but maybe all this went wrong because you didnt trust your heart... maybe your wife didnt get her perfect delivery because your negative energy ruined it somehow... maybe this is all your fault. when i think of how our brains work and how our feelings are so illogical.. i think it more sounds like he feels tremendous guilt and maybe a touch of self dislike for his thoughts, feelings, and actions toward both you and your son.
i know it is hard, especially being a new mom, your emotions are all over the place and so close to the surface. if i were right there a gf in real life i would hug you close and tell you to trust in your heart, trust in your love for your dh, trust that he does love you and in his love for your son. then sink into that trust like it is a warm blanket. enjoy your son, give your love to your dh, especially the love that resides in the blanket you have made of your own trust. don't say anything about the birth of his dd, dont try to talk to him about the birth of your son. save those conversations for when you are with your mom or his or who ever it is that shares the joy of the moment. give him some space that is free of knowing he is hurting you, disappointing you, letting himself and his son down. when he comes to you in love and says loving things, accept them with all your heart and leave the fear and sadness that things arent the way you dreamed of yet, especially the fear that they never will be. just keep remembering to breathe and loving your dear son, and taking the good moments and savouring them and leaving the not so good ones where they are and move forward in those moments. i think a few months of this would be good for both of you. leaving that pressure behind you and living in the now. dont force ds on your dh, don't try to get him to be the father you dreamed he would be to your son. just let him be the father he is now, and try to have forgiveness in your heart when he lets you or your son down. remember to breathe and try not to cry for what isnt there yet or for what you feel you or your son have missed out on. focus on loving your son, and accepting truly the love your dh does give to you and i cant imagine that he wont come around. sometimes just being given the space to work through things, especially those we arent exactly proud of or feel guilty about can work wonders. and that blanket of trust from the one you feel you have let down... well i cant think of anything else more comforting than the true love and trust of your best friend and partner...
that is what i said to my now dp at that time in his life. to step back from the pressure he was putting himself under, to be loving to his then wife when he genuinely felt it and to give himself some time to get to know bean the way he did titi. give himself some time to learn who she was as a person and just which heart strings belonged to her in his heart. just having someone forgive him his fear, his guilt, worries and especially not feeling as in love with beaner as he had with titi... that allowed him to forgive himself and in time, he did find out just where she fit in his heart, places that titi didnt touch at all, love that belonged solely to bean. just like we have our own special loves that belong solely to each of our children as they come along.

i hope this helps, i hope it is as simple as this and that your dh isnt abusive or have bpd or any other serious issues. i hope it gives you some comfort and feelig of support and understanding.

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#13 of 16 Old 11-03-2010, 01:53 PM
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There could be a lot of perfectly understandable and innocent reasons for your dp's behavior. Of course you should try to see things from his point of view and be sympathetic to his feelings.

BUT, his behavior is disturbing and frankly, would be unacceptable to me. He left you in the hospital, wouldn't hold the baby, or barely even look at him, and now accuses you of over reacting and trying to start a fight when you try to resolve what happened? People have mental health issues, emotional issues, stuck places from their pasts, all of that- it's real and I get it. That does not give them an excuse to run over other peoples' feelings like a steam roller. Barely tolerating, rather than loving and cherishing, your baby, is a problem. You can't really be expected to move on from what happened without his acknowledgment that what he did/has been doing ever since is not ok, and his assurance that he sees the light and is going to begin building his bond with his son.

My oldest is twelve, and I still feel hurt when someone does anything hurtful to her. I can't imagine if it was my five month old baby and his father didn't even seem to love him.

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#14 of 16 Old 11-08-2010, 04:28 PM
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I understand how you feel because I have a similar situation with my daughter now and my boyfriend. My daughter was not the happiest day for him and he constantly throws at me that his other kids were much better then her. She's two and sometimes there will be temper tantrums, but no, they never once threw one. He's (my boyfriend) deluded. You are in the right to feel that way and it is very important to try and talk to him about it.
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#15 of 16 Old 11-08-2010, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Annie Mac View Post
I wonder, if you were to ask the mother of his daughter, would she have the same story as him? Or is he perhaps revising history to make himself look/feel better? Perhaps he was as distant with his daughter as with his son. My oldest daughter's father, to hear his version of events, he was father of the year while I was a harpie shrew who kept him away from his precious child. Reality? Not even close.
This was my thought, too.

My husband, who has issues, but thankfully is a very loving father, did the same with his ex-wife, glamorized how great he was...

On the other hand, I wonder if he's afraid of what it will mean to father a son? If it's intimidating for him?

Regardless, he needs counseling. That is not an okay attitude to have towards your child. I mean, not the whole time. We all have our days, weeks, even years, but throughout pregnancy, birth, and babyhood?

I don't think so.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#16 of 16 Old 11-11-2010, 08:53 PM
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I read this and I am so sorry you are going through this, momma hug.gif 


When I became pregnant in January my DH was scared to death. We weren't married yet and were going through a horrible custody battle. I had a lot of the same concerns you do. I lost the baby at the end of February and he stepped up to the plate and we grieved for the loss of our child together. Afterwards he opened up about how scared he had been. How heavily the custody battle, having a small support system, finances, everything really were weighing down on him. I was so glad he told me what had been going on in his head because I know mine had been thinking the worst...


While I do doubt that your dp was that involved in his daughter's birth as other posts have said, I think he may be feeling some things that he doesn't know how to describe. 


I also think that he needs to communicate to you better and that your feelings are founded. I would be mad as hell.wink1.gif


Hope things get better, dear.

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