I have a somewhat unique situation on my hands that will lead to a very complicated blended family, and am somewhat nervous about how it's all going to work out. I was married for 8 years, and in that time had two children, who are now 7 and 5. I've been separated for over a year, and will soon be officially divorced (thankfully.) Their dad is still in their lives.
I'd been dating here and there since the separation, and was in a short relationship for about 2 months that really didn't work out very well. He was very unreliable, and wouldn't make much time for me. I ended the relationship over that, only to find out later that I was pregnant with his child.
Before I met that guy, I had been getting to know a different guy, and we were sort of thinking about dating until I met babydaddy. We put the brakes on that, but still kept in touch as friends. Around the tail-end of the not-so-great relationship, I started venting to him and getting his advice on the problems with my boyfriend, and we ended up talking alot and becoming very close. When my boyfriend and I broke up, he helped me get through it and within a week, we decided to restart our relationship and actually officially start dating.
I let him know before we started dating that I suspected I was pregnant with my ex's baby. He was okay with that--he already loves my other two children, and was so sure about me and him working out that he wouldn't hesitate to take on this baby as his own.
I told ex about the pregnancy, and he decided he wanted nothing to do with the baby. My boyfriend and I were fine with that, we had decided to raise the baby together. Ex not being involved at all never really sat completely right with me--I didn't want to be lying to this child for their entire lives about who their father was, and I didn't relish having to eventually explain to them that their "real" father didn't want them.
I'm now 9 weeks along, and ex-boyfriend has changed his mind and now DOES want to be involved. Like, really involved, as much as we will let him. He's okay with my boyfriend being daddy. Ex also has a 10 year old daughter that he was not involved with for most of her life, but as recently re-entered her life.
So...this makes me, the baby, babydaddy, his daughter, my boyfriend, my other two children, their dad, and about 8 grandparents. Soooo complicated. Though I don't think it was right for ex not to be involved, it really would have been easier that way, and I almost hope that he does not live up to his word and just sort of disappears (I feel horrible saying that.)
How is it going to work with this baby having two "daddies"? How do we decide where the boundaries are for ex being involved? I just don't know how this is all going to pan out. I will probably be utilizing this forum a alot as we get this figured out. I hope you all don't mind!
Robyn - In with Tyson, Gothy Mama to Jasmyn (March 12 2003), Grayson (August 2 2005), my Aurora Hope (m/c Nov 10 2010), and Sydney Rayne (September 17 2011) x3
You did the right thing being totally honest, even if it leads to major hassles. If I were you, I'd marry bf before delivering, put his name on the birth certificate, and then just be open to whatever level of contact the biodad initiates, as long it stays safe and healthy. I would not do anything that implied legal paternity (name on certificate, accepting support etc). You left him for a reason, and it sounds like a good one.
If biodad pitches a fit before you give birth and insists on being on the birth certificate etc., then it may be a sign that he's looking for another kind of relationship - the kind with court orders and support checks. But I would definitely let him take the initiative on if he wants to go there.
Your bf sounds like an awesome guy, but you'd have to be a SAINT not to feel insecure in this situation. If this is love and you are sure, I'd make it legal in whatever way seems best to you (marriage, name on birth cert, etc.) Think of it like and open adoption - the more confident your bf is that he's the REAL dad, the better he's likely to feel about contact with the biodad.
Will your divorce be final before you give birth to the new baby? In some states, if the woman is still legally married the husband's name goes on the birth certificate whether he is the father or not.
Beyond that, gosh, I'd just really start slowing things down. The breakup of their parents' marriage, arrival of a new sibling, and now a new stepparent is a LOT for little kids to handle without throwing multiple sets of step-grandparents and other relatives in the mix. How are your older two children coping with all this change?