Ugh, can I vent? AGAIN? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 11-18-2010, 02:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel whiny and slightly crazy. Which are bothering me the most right now.

 

I have full legal custody of dd and sole physical right now. DD's dad and I have an agreement that he is to do an anger management/domestic abuse class and I am to have access to speaking to his teachers. After he completes this course it is understood that he will get the label of joint physical with me having primary residence. We have a parenting consultant and for the time being he does not get dd overnights( issues with possible verbal abuse/safety concerns on my part and the recommendation of a therapist dd was seeing) but those might start again soon. 

 

Here are my issues and why I feel upset right now. It is in our custody agreement that we communicate through email, that he sign up for my family wizard and that we keep a notebook about dd's daily needs etc. Well, he never did my family wizard. I offered to pay for it and he just said I don't want to, consultant said that was fine. He rarely emails me or answers my emails, prefers to tell me things face to face( we have a history of him refusing to email and lying at later dates about things that happened during conversations/what was said or agreed upon). He has also decided that the notebook is done because he thinks I tore pages out to make him look bad, which I did not do. Consultant also seems to think this is fine. We have switched therapists because he made up a story that the therapist accused him of beating me because I lied to her. Said therapist became uncomfortable about seeing us because he lied to her about things I said and yelled at her over the phone. The big clincher for me is that I was not notified that he had started his classes as I was to have access to speaking to his teachers( this is expressly written in our custody agreement and the ONLY reason I agreed to settle out of court on this). He told me today that I can't speak to anyone there because he does not always have the same teacher/speaker and they said no because I am not a medical professional. They agreed to give progress reports to our consultant and she would speak to me. This was SEVEN weeks ago and no one has told me he even started( we've been waiting over a year for him to sign up for the class). The consultant often speaks to me like I am making things up and seems to have little interest in doing anything besides telling me to just be happy with what I have and praising dd's father and doing so many 'difficult' things that I am asking. We have a WELL documented history of verbal and emotional abuse and him lying to professionals about what is really going on. I know he thinks he has no issues and is just going with the flow in order to get me to shut up. I had at the time of drafting our custody agreement told my lawyer that they only way I would feel comfortable signing our agreement is knowing that I could speak to his class teachers about his progress. He lies to therapists about his issues and mostly just fudges his way through things. I don't feel comfortable having joint physical custody with him, knowing that he can just lie through these classes. He's VERY good at pretending to be the good guy while he thinks he is being watched. I don't want to go back to the same issues with dd as soon as he thinks he's done being 'monitored'.

 

Am I crazy for feeling like our agreement isn't being upheld? I don't feel like I can't talk to our parenting consultant about any of these things because she just doesn't take them seriously. I know everyone just wants me to stop fighting it and just be happy with what he's doing, but I honestly feel like I can't for the sake of my daughter. I'm getting a new lawyer to help with all this stuff and I'm considering requesting a new consultant. I just needed to vent and I'm sorry if this all seems silly. 


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#2 of 6 Old 11-18-2010, 06:28 PM
 
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You are NOT being silly. Get a new lawyer and let them advise you as to how to deal with the consultant issue and the noncompliance issues. 

 

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#3 of 6 Old 11-18-2010, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

hug2.gif

 

You are NOT being silly. Get a new lawyer and let them advise you as to how to deal with the consultant issue and the noncompliance issues. 

 


Thank you! This is what I hate the most about dealing with dd's dad, he makes me feel like I am CRAZY! I'm talking to the new lawyer tomorrow about taking her on. She had said that she would be happy to speak to the consultant on my behalf about issues that I feel I'm having with her. It sucks to have to fork over a retainer fee again, but it will save me so much on stress knowing I can ask a much more knowledgeable person than myself how to act in these situations.


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#4 of 6 Old 11-19-2010, 02:55 PM
 
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"This is what I hate the most about dealing with dd's dad, he makes me feel like I am CRAZY!" 

 

That's on Page One of the abuser's manual. He probably has it bookmarked. 

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#5 of 6 Old 11-20-2010, 09:18 PM
 
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Yep, this is fishy and you know it. Stick to your guns! If he doesn't follow your agreement to the letter, take him to court. Insist that you talk about everything in email/with a witness. The more you take his manipulation lying down, the more he will push, because he thinks he has you. 


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#6 of 6 Old 11-21-2010, 08:29 AM
 
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Two things I would recommend - 1) File Contempt charges against him with the Court for not following the agreement, and also against the "advisor" for not following it as well; 2) Ask for a psych eval.

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