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#1 of 19 Old 12-10-2010, 05:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello!  I'm new to the forum but am so happy to find this one!  I threw my husband out on October 27, 2008 and found out on November 2 that I was pregnant.  In the state of Missouri you cannot get divorced if you are pregnant.  PERIOD.  Bio dad has had an open invitation to visit her since I was in labor.  Instead, he chose to harass me while I was in labor and ignored her existence for the first 16 months.  I should mention here that he quite literally lives two blocks down the street.  His own mother, sister, cousins, and grandmother made the 4 hour trip to take us to the mall for an hour so they could see DD.  She also sent us $25 for the baby shower and purchased her a few gifts for Christmas last year.  If I recall correctly she also sent us a similar sized check for her birthday in July.  He has done nothing.  It took CSE 8 months to catch up with him.  She was 6 months old before the order went into effect and 8 months before we received our first payment.  He's supposed to be paying $558 a month in support and paying for her insurance premiums (about $150).  He has NEVER provided medical support so we are on Medicaid because I'm a SAHM and she can't be put on my SO's insurance until he and I are married.  He filed for divorce on our wedding anniversary this past April and we're still in this mess.  He made no attempt to see her or inquire after her until my lawyer set up visitation.  I personally feel that he was too late to the party and should be grateful to be called "Uncle" but as she's only 17 months, we don't have to worry about that quite yet.  My SO has been there since I was 9 weeks pregnant, through labor, and was the first to hold her after our emergency section.  HE is Daddy.  How do you deal with that?  Plus his fiance and I used to be friends - until I realized how insane she was (literally) and found out she was having an affair with my exDH.  Understandably, I don't want my daughter around this woman.  I realize I have no choice though.  ExDH goes on about how generous she was being by not having Phoebe call her Mom, etc.  EXCUSE ME?!  He just doesn't get how he can't suddenly show up a year and half later and think that he's on level ground like he'd been there from day one.  He's also really smoochie and kissy with her in front of my SO - it's obviously done to annoy him.  He's shown up late to EVERY visitation he's had and skipped one entirely and didn't let us know in anyway.  He is an incredibly selfish man and had the NERVE to try and make me feel bad about the fact he has to deal with knowing Phoebe will grow up one day and ask why he's not in her first birthday pictures, etc.  It's quite simple - you tell her you didn't love her enough to bother because you were too self absorbed.  Ugh.  Not sure what the whole point of this point is exactly.  Lol, I guess to share my story, get someone else's perspective, and get advice on how to deal with this mess.  :)

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#2 of 19 Old 12-10-2010, 04:35 PM
 
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Once the divorce goes through you may be able to get him to give up his rights in exchange for having the outstanding child support balance forgiven. If your new DH stands ready to adopt, that makes a big difference as to whether the court will allow the TPR. 

 

Beyond that, though, it seems like you are still emotionally engaged with this guy and his family, having personal conversations, knowing about what's going on with his girlfriend, etc. You need to cut that tie. Make your DD available for visitation as arranged and that's it. Don't remind him about his visitation, don't offer him additional visitation, and if he's late, leave the house and send him an email saying "you missed visitation on X date at Y time" and don't respond to whatever junk he sends back. Basically, don't talk to him. Your SO never needs to be in the same room with him ever again. Anything important enough that you absolutely must communicate it can be done via email or better yet, though your lawyer. It's time to disengage. 

 

He's around because you invited him to be around, and because you asked him for money. I understand that these were really hard decisions to make, and I'm not even sure that you made the wrong ones, but the big downside of pursuing a loser for child support is that said loser and his new girlfriend are likely to show up asking for visitation. 

 

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#3 of 19 Old 12-10-2010, 06:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We've been offering the terminate route from day one as well but he refuses to do it.  He feels a few drops of juice give him rights.  While legally, yeah it does, emotionally for our daughter it doesn't.  Let me clarify we have no choice but to talk.  We're being sent through mediation and all the information I've gotten has been from that.  I cooperate with his parents so that the don't financially support him during this - which they would do if I denied them visitation and I feel looks poorly on my part were we ever to go to court.  Our lawyers don't attend the mediation and my lawyer essentially forced me to start giving him visitation.  SO would love to adopt but we don't have that option.  He has no outstanding support.  According to both our lawyers and CSE he just gets off scout free for those first 6 months and I can't do anything about the fact he didn't provide medical.  CSE autodrafts the payment from his check and sends it to me and has caught him up for those two months he was behind according to them. 

When he missed visitation I sent him a text after the timeframe informing him that he would need to contact me prior to visitation in the future if he wanted her "ready to go" because otherwise we would assume he would follow pattern and be late or not show up at all.  I furthered explained that it wasn't fair to DD to so disrupt her schedule for no reason.  SO stays in the room when he picks up and drops off (on the few occasions he's here) because exDH was incredibly abusive emotionally and verbally and I don't feel comfortable alone with him.  ExDH always tries to be friendly, chatty, etc. like we WANT to be bffs or something instead of being forced to deal with him.  Thanks for the support.  This is all just so frustrating because we're already several months past when we wanted to have #2 and are still dealing with this crap.  I can't get any straight answers out of my lawyer so I don't even know what's going on.

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#4 of 19 Old 12-10-2010, 08:52 PM
 
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This isn't what you want to hear, but here goes.

 

Being hostile about visitation counts against you - your best bet is to be nice about EVERYTHING.  The nicer you are, the more things will go in your favor.  Your lawyer was right - had you denied visitation completely, you would have been ordered to go in front of a judge most likely, especially if your ex didn't agree to mediation (at least in my state mediation is done by agreement between the parties, it cannot be forced.  That said, most lawyers recommend it b/c its the fastest way to get things done most of the time.)

 

If your lawyer isn't giving you straight answers, find another one.  You don't pay for them to be wishy washy - feel free to ask concrete questions.  When you don't get a straight answer, ask them why they don't have a better answer.  In family law things aren't super straight forward.

 

And you say he has done nothing - but he's paid his c/s and he's not behind.  Thats certainly not nothing.  At least not in the courts eyes.  He may not be following through with the medical, but you can go to court over that for failure to comply. 

 

Since he's going to be in your dd's life, you would really be doing a disservice to her by calling your SO her dad, and her biodad something else - unless he agree's.  It's going to send her mixed messages.  Yes, she will notice that he wasn't in her 1st b-day parties, and he will have to come up with an explanation.  Disengage.  You say he was abusive, check out the book, "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft - it helped me learn to disengage from my abusive ex (who I went through a horrible custody battle with, and I won sole custody).  Kill him with kindness.  Disengage, be sweet as can be.  It will INFURIATE him that he can't upset you anymore.  Vent to your SO, your family, friends, whatever.  DO NOT engage with him.  The nicer you are to him, the more you treat him with respect (believe me, I know how hard that is), the better off you will be in this court battle.

 

If you need the child support, then you also need to expect him to maintain rights.  Once there has been a voluntary termination of rights, and an adoption by another party, there is no more responsibility on the bio-parents side.  Court battles are tough, so I can sympathize there - I hate going to court even still (now we're just getting c/s worked out, but I still hate it).

 

Are you seeing a counselor to help you through some of this?  It's tough stuff, and having someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation would probably be good for you.

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#5 of 19 Old 12-11-2010, 06:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't feel I'm doing her a disservice by calling SO her dad.  Being a sperm donor does not a father make.  Had bio done anything for her while I was pregnant (besides attempting to cause me to miscarry and telling me I did nothing but lay around and get fat), come to the hospital, or made any attempt to show interest in DD I would feel differently.  My SO has been the one who's been there her since before day one.  Bio hasn't done anything until he was forced.  He's FORCED to pay child support.  He didn't do it voluntarily and is trying to get it reduced by almost 75%.  He had no choice in the matter.  SO chooses to be there and chooses to support us so that I can do what's best for DD by being a SAHM.  I wasn't denying visitation.  As I've stated he's had an open invitation to visit and he chose not to until my lawyer forced it.  Not a father there, IMO.  I've been up front from day one, he came late to the game because he was forced to not by choice.  He knows my position on the matter and we are both choosing not to deal with it until it becomes necessary.  She can't talk yet and from HER experience and home life, SO is her dad.  I feel it is a disservice to both her and SO to call him anything else.  Why should we all of a sudden change everything on her?  I think we'll be able to reach a compromise with fiance being XXXX (her name) and bio being Papa XXX (his name).  That should satisfy all parties and the most it will do is require a little explanation as to why bio is Papa XXX and grandpa is also Papa XXX (grandpa's name but different from bio).  We were ordered by the court to go through mediation so we don't have a choice in the matter.  I wish I could get a different lawyer but it's not an option.  She was the only one that would allow me to pay in payments and as it was I had to take out two loans just to do that and we can't get anymore.  I don't have the money to see a counselor.  I have PPD so I take an SSRI but that's the extent of any outside help I'm able to get.  :)  I have offered many times from day one for bio to terminate and SO to adopt but he refuses to do it.  We even offered for him to terminate and then still be able to have visitation but he refused.  He knows that's what I want and that's not what his family wants so he won't do it.  I'm sorry your ex was like that.  I should clarify, I may have a completely different attitude when he's not around but I'm also polite and "don't let him get to me" until after he leaves.  Lol, then I vent.  :)  I've been accommodating in every way.  He doesn't even own anything for her.  He showed up for visitation to pick her up and didn't even have a car seat.  "Well, it's just down the road..."  Ugh.  I mean I'd rather provide it all then him do something unsafe and stupid but he should've ASKED before hand if he could use our car seat or which one to buy.  He just can't seem to get it through his head that if he wants to be in her life then he needs to be in her life and put her needs ahead of his.  He claims he can't afford her insurance - okay well he's got almost $50,000 worth of Magic cards - sell some.  He's got a nice place that he just moved into and two nice cars - car #2 and new place gotten after he couldn't afford her insurance.  He supports his fiance while she goes to school - um, she can get a job and go to school just like he does.  I stay home because I'm caring for my child - if she was doing the same it would be a different matter.  He takes frequent trips to play in Magic tournaments - don't go on some of the trips and you'll save a ton.  He has cable - shut it off, it's a luxury.  I can deal with him wanting to be apart of her life but I can't stand this wishy washy middle.  Either be in or out instead of halfway inbetween.  Plus, his grandmother is accosting my mother in the grocery store asking whether or not bio is coming home for the holidays, if he'll have DD, etc.

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#6 of 19 Old 12-11-2010, 06:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, after trying to reach an agreement on Christmas we are completely disengaged.  He said I either let him have her during the time he wanted or we were going to court.  To which I replied, I'll see you in court.  (This is after he declined several options that were best for DD.)  He, his sister, mother, aunt, cousins, and fiance are all friends of mine on FB (for picture/necessary communication purposes.) have been moved to "limited profile".  Since my family has been receiving numerous inquiries about his plans, I've sent his sister a message via FB, "I'm very sorry but please inform your family that [DD] will not be attending Christmas at all.  I only ask because it seems [Bio] is not keeping his family informed as I've been asked what's going on by member's of your family and now my mother is being accosted when out about [Bio's] plans and I would like everyone to be aware so no one is left wondering.  :)  Since [Bio] is unwilling, I would be more than happy to meet with family that wants to see her (like Grandma XXX) before 3:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve and between 11:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. on Christmas Day.  All they need to do is contact me via FB or phone, (xxx)-xxx-xxxx, and we can set something up.  Sorry about this and thank you!  I know Grandma XXX and Aunt XXX have really been wanting to see her and I don't want them to miss out for something that's not their fault."  (Those are some of the several time frames we originally agreed on and he changed his mind on - I wanted to show that I was still making the effort and that she would still be available during those time frames as we had originally agreed.)  (Edited to remove my phone #.)

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#7 of 19 Old 12-11-2010, 07:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, his sister messaged me directly after.  I took pictures of our conversation and have them saved.  DD and I will be going over to his Grandma's (the one who cornered my mom) on Christmas Day so his family can see her.  He and fiance will have already left to see her family.  I guarantee his mother is calling him right now asking what is going on so he will be aware of the time.  If he wants to see her, he'll fit into the timeframe we've arranged or he won't.  ATM, he is no longer getting visitation at all.  If he wants to go the only court ordered route we will which means I don't have to let him see her.  (I will, of course, talk to my lawyer on Monday.  ;)  If we decide it's best to continue I will be utilizing the minute late plan.)  I have a good relationship with his family and they do not have a good one with the new fiance so I don't mind taking her to visit them.  I haven't decided whether or not I will stay with DD for an hour or two or if I will leave her with them and it wasn't specified in our discussion so I can go either way.  SO of course, will not accompany me should I decide to stay.  I appreciate all of your advice and support on this issue.  We've been separated for over 2 years and are still dealing with this mess and it's getting frustrating.

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#8 of 19 Old 12-11-2010, 08:09 PM
 
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I don't feel I'm doing her a disservice by calling SO her dad.  Being a sperm donor does not a father make.  Had bio done anything for her while I was pregnant (besides attempting to cause me to miscarry and telling me I did nothing but lay around and get fat), come to the hospital, or made any attempt to show interest in DD I would feel differently.  My SO has been the one who's been there her since before day one.  Bio hasn't done anything until he was forced.  He's FORCED to pay child support.  He didn't do it voluntarily and is trying to get it reduced by almost 75%. 


Hate to tell you this, but... Calling your b/f "Dad" is not going to endear you to the court. He's not. Your child's father was not obligated to do anything until he was ordered to. That's the simple truth. Whether you like it or not.

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#9 of 19 Old 12-12-2010, 02:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't feel I'm doing her a disservice by calling SO her dad.  Being a sperm donor does not a father make.  Had bio done anything for her while I was pregnant (besides attempting to cause me to miscarry and telling me I did nothing but lay around and get fat), come to the hospital, or made any attempt to show interest in DD I would feel differently.  My SO has been the one who's been there her since before day one.  Bio hasn't done anything until he was forced.  He's FORCED to pay child support.  He didn't do it voluntarily and is trying to get it reduced by almost 75%. 


Hate to tell you this, but... Calling your b/f "Dad" is not going to endear you to the court. He's not. Your child's father was not obligated to do anything until he was ordered to. That's the simple truth. Whether you like it or not.



That may be the case but there are plenty of things that will not endear Bio to the court.  Like ignoring her existence for 16 months until he was forced to start seeing her.  Like being late, leaving early, or missing every single visitation he's had.  Like telling me I'm too concerned with what she needs and she should learn to rearrange her needs around his schedule.  Like telling me I give her to him outside of the previously agreed upon time during a time he KNOWS won't work for her or us instead of trying to work with me and telling me if I don't he's taking me to court.  I find that since the only thing I've done "wrong" is call the man that HAS been her father since before day one, her father since that is all she knows to be the least offensive of those transgressions.  A newborn is not going to understand the difference and it is unjust to both her and SO to call him anything else since he is choosing to be the father he's not required to be.  Just the same as Bio isn't obligated to do anything until he's ordered neither am I - which includes visitation and calling him Dad.  In fact, nowhere do I know of a law that requires me or her to call her sperm donor dad.

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#10 of 19 Old 12-12-2010, 07:09 AM
 
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Well, his sister messaged me directly after.  I took pictures of our conversation and have them saved.  DD and I will be going over to his Grandma's (the one who cornered my mom) on Christmas Day so his family can see her.  He and fiance will have already left to see her family.  I guarantee his mother is calling him right now asking what is going on so he will be aware of the time.  If he wants to see her, he'll fit into the timeframe we've arranged or he won't.  ATM, he is no longer getting visitation at all.  If he wants to go the only court ordered route we will which means I don't have to let him see her.  (I will, of course, talk to my lawyer on Monday.  ;)  If we decide it's best to continue I will be utilizing the minute late plan.)  I have a good relationship with his family and they do not have a good one with the new fiance so I don't mind taking her to visit them.  I haven't decided whether or not I will stay with DD for an hour or two or if I will leave her with them and it wasn't specified in our discussion so I can go either way.  SO of course, will not accompany me should I decide to stay.  I appreciate all of your advice and support on this issue.  We've been separated for over 2 years and are still dealing with this mess and it's getting frustrating.


I hate to break it to you, but you're going to be dealing with this man until your dd is grown - and if she ends up having a close relationship with him you'll have to deal with him then too.

 

Why is he no longer getting any visitation?  If he is no longer following through, thats one thing.  If you're cutting him off, thats not good.  Why wasn't he involved the first 16months?  Were you in contact with him?  Did you offer visitation?  I don't really understand how HE was "forced to start seeing her" - if he didn't want to see her he wouldn't.  Court order, lawyer's instructions, whatever - someone can't be forced to see their child.  Were you forced to allow visitation?  (I'm just asking, don't get angry - there aren't many details surrounding how that happened)  If you were forced to start allowing visitation, then there might have been a good reason for it. 

 

Courts do not like it when people alienate the other parent with behaviors such as calling someone else dad, cutting off visitation, scheduling x-mas visitation when they know the other parent will not be available at that time

 

You sound VERY hostile towards this man, and that is not healthy.  For you, or for your child.  What kind of health insurance do you have?  I ask b/c I'm on medicaid, and I saw a counselor for over a year for free - I didn't pay even a penny.  It would be worth it for you to see a counselor to have someone to talk to about this.

 

I do understand how frustrating being in and out of court is, (although I've never done mediation since my ex refused to) but you need to be careful.  Things happen when mothers aren't willing to include the father, and when they alienate the other parent, and its not pretty.  You don't know who your judge is going to be, and you need to be careful to make sure that you aren't going to get yourself into more trouble.

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#11 of 19 Old 12-12-2010, 07:44 AM
 
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You should be very prepared for the courts NOT caring that biodad was nonexistent for the first 16 months. Courts typically are only interested in the present moment and the fact that biodad wants visitation NOW. Especially if he is fighting for visitaiton, the judge will see a dad so interested in being with his kid that he is willing to go to court and fight for it. Being late won't matter either. It just means that you should include a clause in your visitation agreement that if he is more then x mins late then he will lose that day. It's pretty standard visitation rules. This is just the honest truth of the matter, I don't agree that it should be no big deal when a parent essentially abandons a kid or gets away with paying no support. It's crap. However I'm just letting you know how the court will be viewing it.

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#12 of 19 Old 12-12-2010, 07:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I gave him an open invitation to see her whenever he wanted from the day one.  All we asked was that he call first to make sure we were home.  He chose to ignore her and during that time frame several members of his family visited and I was more than happy to cooperate.  I offered him several time frames for Christmas that I know work for him - it was him choosing the one time that wouldn't work for DD, myself, and my family.  I explained it to him and instead of trying to find a resolution he refused to take any of the other times we'd previously agreed to as options, told me I was too concerned with my daughter's needs and that she should learn how to schedule her needs around him.  He then proceeded to tell me that I either let him have DD during this time frame or we were going to court.  I told him he didn't need to see her at all with that attitude, got a "Fine!", and hung up on me.  Within 10 minutes I had messaged his sister and she, her mom, and I had arranged for DD to still be able to spend time with their family on Christmas since apparently this was not Bio's priority.  We didn't discuss anything, when she asked what's up I simply told her that her brother has said I either let him have DD during a time he KNEW wouldn't work for us, refused any alternatives, and refused to work something out or we were going to court and that I didn't feel it was fair to them or Phoebe to miss out on the holiday because of his actions. 

He chose to ignore her for 16 months then we had to meet with the guardian ad litem who apparently chewed bio up one side and down the other.  My lawyer at this point forced me to give visitation schedule.  I wasn't refusing him but I didn't feel that it was my job to tell him when to come see his daughter.  If he wanted to come see her, he knew he could and had permission to do so and had chosen not to up to that point.  I had also offered him visitation schedules previously which he refused.  He has been late, left early, or completely missed every single visit he's had with her up to this point and this is on the schedule he proposed.  It's not fair to DD or me for that matter to mess up her routine so much if he's not even going to show.  I've emailed my lawyer telling her it's not working and proposing a different visitation schedule and gave her my own ultimatum.  The schedule I proposed works best for DD's routine (she has that personality where routine is insanely important) and that he either accept it or come up with one of his own since obviously this one isn't working (and it was only "good" through Christmas anyway).  At this point, we will literally be waiting in the car, if he doesn't show up by the scheduled time we are leaving as I do believe I'm quite within my rights to leave if he doesn't show up on time so I'm sure he'll miss this week's visitation.  Besides that, I've informed my lawyer that the new schedule needs to be figured out by Tuesday evening because he is currently scheduled for Wednesday - we'll see what the next couple of days bring.  To top it off, she's really sick - does anyone know how that works?  Can I tell him she's too sick and needs to reschedule?  We've only just got home from the urgent care.  He's already taken her over there while fiance's niece was staying there home from school with pink eye.  I don't think it's right to send my child places when they're sick - besides spreading it they don't get rest and they're miserable. 

I have no health insurance.  I don't qualify for medicaid because I get child support.  Lol, I know I'm dealing with him until DD's grown.  I meant we were still dealing with the mess of the divorce.  I'm fairly certain we'll be okay once it's all official - that's the card he's playing now because it's convenient for him.  The agreement we reached gives him a completely different time and day then what he was demanding.  His original request was that he have her for about an hour at 8 a.m. on Christmas Day so that she could open her presents but then he and fiance had to leave so they could go to her family's.  It's quite simple he should've said, "I have visitation with my daughter that day, we'll be a little late or could you guys push it back an hour or two?" and could've left later and spent more time with her.  I rearranged our holiday schedule so that we could get into town earlier on Christmas Eve (bio and I are both planning to visit our parents who live in the same town.) and then OFFERED to let him have her on Christmas Eve instead from 10:00 - 2:00 as we'd have to leave for my family's events at 5:00.  That way she had time to eat, nap, and wind down before going out again.  She is incredibly easily over stimulated and can't handle change in her routine and 3-5 is her nap time.  When I originally offered he said that was fine but when I asked to confirm the time he said he wanted her later between 3-5.  I explained that wouldn't work for her or us and that the best I could do was give him 10:00-3:00 and that if his family wanted to see her, they needed to come early.  He proceeded to tell me that she could sleep at my family's Christmas events and just miss our dinner and take her nap later.  According to his plan she'd not wake up until 7:00.  She goes to bed at 9:30 so obviously that doesn't work.  Not to mention, she'd be missing my family's Christmas which wasn't acceptable.  She wouldn't even have slept in that environment anyway and would've been unhappy and miserable the whole time.  I explained again why that wouldn't work and that we'd need to figure something else out at which point he threatened me and the conversation ended.  Honestly, if you think I'm hostile you should hear how he talks to me.  I restrain my hostility to my SO with the door closed and here - I don't think it's fair to DD for her to see how much I disdain this abusive jerk and color her perception so even as little as she is, I don't let her see and am always friendly when she's around.  Well, I'm polite and friendly to him in general when we're seeing each other or talking about anything.  I hope that clears things up a bit more.  :)  Thanks Super Single Mama - I appreciate the advice and support!

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#13 of 19 Old 12-12-2010, 07:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You should be very prepared for the courts NOT caring that biodad was nonexistent for the first 16 months. Courts typically are only interested in the present moment and the fact that biodad wants visitation NOW. Especially if he is fighting for visitaiton, the judge will see a dad so interested in being with his kid that he is willing to go to court and fight for it. Being late won't matter either. It just means that you should include a clause in your visitation agreement that if he is more then x mins late then he will lose that day. It's pretty standard visitation rules. This is just the honest truth of the matter, I don't agree that it should be no big deal when a parent essentially abandons a kid or gets away with paying no support. It's crap. However I'm just letting you know how the court will be viewing it.



I know, my lawyer seems to think in this case it will matter since I've made every attempt to include him and he chose not to take advantage especially since I cooperated so much with his family.  She also seems to think that him trying to drop his support by over 75%, ignoring the medical order, and then dropping his insurance in an attempt to avoid providing hers will look very poorly on him.  It's ridiculous.  The courts are too concerned with being politically correct than about the child's needs and wants.  :(  He's not fighting for visitation, he's trying to scare me into letting him be a bully.  He thinks he's in the right because I wouldn't let him have her during this specific 2 hour block within a 48 hour period since he KNEW it wouldn't work and he was trying to alienate me.

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#14 of 19 Old 12-12-2010, 08:05 AM
 
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He can only scare you if you let him. Don't let him think for a second that you are afraid. Keep being the reasonable parent and make sure the courts will see that. A lawyer can't guarantee anything and no matter what proof you have always be prepared for what can get ordered in court (like worse case scenario, it happens).

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Thanks, that's what I tried to do when he threatened me.  We can't go straight to court anyway as the court has ordered we go through mediation.  When he made his threat I simply told him that he didn't need to see her at all with that attitude and that I'd see him in court then.  (In a calm even tone.) He then screamed fine and hung up on me.  Literally, within ten minutes I had made alternate arrangements with his family so they could still see her so I'm hoping the court will see that as what it was - Bio being a bully and not caring about his daughter and me being reasonable and trying to make sure his family got to see her as well.  :)  Either way, it's going to dawn on him that we have to have this finalized by about April 15th or he's going to be in a heap of trouble.  He's supposed to be getting married (he proposed in October while he was claiming he was too broke to do a bunch of stuff the court had ordered us to do) at the end of May.  The only way that can happen obviously is if we get the divorced finalized by about mid April because he's supposed to be "single" for 30 days before he can request a new marriage license and they require two weeks notice or so to provide one.  I'm done trying to be nice and so that we can push it through faster.  I've made reasonable demands (like 1/2 the value of our property, he pay back support for those first 6 months, he pay the amount of child support the court form dictates, etc.) and provided a reasonable parenting plan with holiday schedule.  I also requested sole legal and joint physical which makes the most sense.  Here's to hoping!  :)

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#16 of 19 Old 12-12-2010, 04:59 PM
 
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I think you're doing everything right. As long as you stay calm and reasonable, and continue to offer several times that work for you, I don't think the judge will fault you (unless you get crazy judge!) I don't know how the court will see the 'Daddy' thing, but when your ex didn't show up during the entire pregnancy or the first 6 months, and your SO was there being 'Daddy' the whole time, it sounds reasonable. You wouldn't want to raise your dd with no daddy, in case ex decided to show up one day. Besides, kids often spontaneously assign that name to whomever does the job.


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#17 of 19 Old 12-12-2010, 05:23 PM
 
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I live in MO. Legally your ex was right to wait to pay child support until court ordered. I know more than one person who have paid and the courts have considered it "gifts".  Many lawyers recommend this course of actions.  Know someone that put money to the side so when it was order they could catch up -because his lawyer recommended to do it that way.  

 

Are you sure he did drop his insurance on purpose?  It can be hard if not impossible to drop insurance mid-year.  What he is telling you might not be what happen.  Also, if he is trying to drop the support by 75% was he laid off?  

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#18 of 19 Old 12-12-2010, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post

I live in MO. Legally your ex was right to wait to pay child support until court ordered. I know more than one person who have paid and the courts have considered it "gifts".  Many lawyers recommend this course of actions.  Know someone that put money to the side so when it was order they could catch up -because his lawyer recommended to do it that way.  

 

Are you sure he did drop his insurance on purpose?  It can be hard if not impossible to drop insurance mid-year.  What he is telling you might not be what happen.  Also, if he is trying to drop the support by 75% was he laid off?  



He dropped his insurance 2 days after the medical order went out - it just happened to be during January which was the right time for his employer.  With this employer you can drop whenever you want, it's the getting back on it later if it's not an event like marriage, birth, etc.  We had a mutual coworker (I used to work for this employer and SO works there now as well.) to whom Bio spilled all kinds of stuff - little did he know that this person was taking notes and reporting back to us of their own free will.  They learned all kinds of stuff and came and told it to us as a friend.  (We never asked them to do anything of the sort, for the record.)  He himself has told me that he couldn't afford her insurance so he dropped his.  He is trying to drop support because "he knows people who pay way less" and thinks he's paying way too much.  He makes $2,200 a month by himself (not including the small bit fiance makes from her part time job.) and thinks he should be paying less than $150.  He wasn't laid off at all.  We provided all of our financial information to CSE and they determined he should be paying about $560 and paying the approx $150 a month for her insurance.  This was calculated using the same form the court is required to use.  The "I can't afford its" are bs - as I've said, he's got all kinds of luxuries, takes all kinds of trips, and has to provide nothing for her at all.  Heck, he could walk down the road to pick her up for visitation and carry her back and not even have to spend gas.  I provide everything for her - diapers, milk, food, cups, clothes, etc.  She has health requirements that limit the things she can eat, drink, and wear right down to her diaper and diaper cream and the soap they're washed in so I don't mind providing everything but $150 is ridiculous.  I spend over $100 a month just in buying her milk (she has to drink a specific type for health reasons) let alone paying for everything else and I'm the one forking out the $150 round trip costs taking her to the specialist and back about once a month and SO makes almost $1,000 less than bio.  Even with child support include in our income we still bring almost $500 less than him a month (and that is less what he pays in support with fiance's income added) and we're the ones paying for everything and we have ZERO luxuries.  One car, small apartment, no tv, no homephone, no eating out, etc.  We have internet and cells because SO needs them for his job.  It's just irritating to hear him whine about money and how he has to pay sooo much support, kwim?

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Originally Posted by singin'intherain View Post

I think you're doing everything right. As long as you stay calm and reasonable, and continue to offer several times that work for you, I don't think the judge will fault you (unless you get crazy judge!) I don't know how the court will see the 'Daddy' thing, but when your ex didn't show up during the entire pregnancy or the first 6 months, and your SO was there being 'Daddy' the whole time, it sounds reasonable. You wouldn't want to raise your dd with no daddy, in case ex decided to show up one day. Besides, kids often spontaneously assign that name to whomever does the job.



Thank you.  He sent me a text today saying he'd "accept" the original time frame (since I've now scheduled something else with his family) but I should just know that this makes him realize we probably can't work things out but he still wants the original time frame.  Well, hmm, I just not so sure that original time frame is still available.  I mean really, a judge can't expect me to let him bully and threaten me and decide not to see her at all, in fairness I set something up so DD and his family can still see each other, and then 24 hours later sends me a rude message demanding the original time?  I'm going to ask my lawyer about it tomorrow, because that's ridiculous.  His family and I have a different time set up because he threw a temper tantrum and I don't think asking nearly 50 people to reschedule their holiday AGAIN because he's changed his mind since I didn't succumb to his bullying is reasonable.  We'll see what she says.  Ex did nothing during my pregnancy but literally harass me (down to calling while I was in labor), attempt to make me miscarry (I was high risk and on bed rest at 20 weeks after 2 miscarriages), and tell me I did nothing while pregnant but sit around and get fat.  Obviously, that's not a good person for a child to be around but I still made it clear he was welcome anytime.  SO has been with me since I was 9 weeks pregnant, supported and took care of me the entire pregnancy, was the first to hold our daughter after birth (I had an emergency section and couldn't), and has been "Daddy" to her since day one until SIXTEEN (not 6) months.  I really fail to see how a court could expect anything different when bio CHOSE to be absent for her first year and a half of life and SO CHOSE to be present.  Bio alienated himself.  Ack, but we'll see what the lawyer says tomorrow - this drastically changes our case.  I'm through being polite and accommodating to get this through quickly.  My demands are 100% reasonable and I'm sticking to them.  There is a small margin of wiggle room for negotiations but not much.  I'm not the one on a deadline and since he has chosen not to cooperate, then he'll just have to realize his mistake as it works out much better for DD and I then the agreement that he and I had reached.

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