Anyone's new man move into home you bought with X? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 13 Old 12-18-2010, 06:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am looking to hear other's experiences with this situation. How did it work out?  DD#2's dad is living in the home I originally bought with dd#1's dad (the x) and it has almost all of the furnishings.  My man didn't bring much with him as he came here  from quite a distance, just what he could fit in his vechicle. He has mentioned to me that he feels like he's living another man's life...it doesn't feel like HIS home. I did get it signed over in the divorce and I have wecomed my man to change it as he sees fit. There's still some of X's junk in garage waiting for me to rent a dumpster but money is tight.   DBF rearranged the bedroom furniture which helped.  He's a painter by trade but has yet to paint anything.  My hands are tied financially at this point.  My credit is so bad from the divorce I stand little chance of ever owning a home besides this one. Plus I like it here. His credit is horrible too.  For the sake of the relationship I am considering letting the home go by short sale or other and just rent something smallre together with him and the girls to get a fresh start. comments? opinions? Thanks!

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#2 of 13 Old 12-18-2010, 07:03 AM
 
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I would take a deep breath and not do anything rash. Get X's junk out of there....any way to get X to claim it? Can you put it on the lawn with a free sign? Goodwill? Amvets (that take some odd stuff)?

 

Getting painting. I know you said he has yet, but painting is a joint project....find colors you like and have him make the final color choices.....help him make connections in the home.....while he is painting seduce him. Then remind him what you two did while painting that room occasionally. or Maybe after he is done painting a room make sure to tell him what makes the room perfect/beautiful is him.

 

It takes time to make things "your own".  

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#3 of 13 Old 12-18-2010, 07:20 AM
 
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There is no way I would do a short sale just for the sake of the relationship. Why hurt your credit even more?  I mean if you have to do a short sale that's one thing, but if you can keep the house that is so important for your credit.

 

I had good luck finding free furniture on Craigslist and freecycle and putting the word out to friends. I think the bed is key. Moving things to different bedrooms, changing the way things look can help. But a new bed and bedding are the first things I'd look at.

 

Can you move to a different bedroom?


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#4 of 13 Old 12-18-2010, 10:16 AM
 
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He's being a big baby.  I hope you will cease to consider creating an economical disaster because he's sour about the living situation.  Paint away, if you can replace some furniture then fine but he is just going to have to get over it.

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#5 of 13 Old 12-18-2010, 11:44 AM
 
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In a better economy I would move.

In today's reality I would really work to make the home fresh. I would try to create as blank a slate as possible. When you moved in you made hundreds of tiny decisions like which shelf the flour sits on and which drawer holds spoons. You and your current partner might have made different decisions. So instead of clearing out a drawer for him I would examine each space like you were just moving in and really make it belong to both of you.
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#6 of 13 Old 12-18-2010, 07:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkin View Post

In today's reality I would really work to make the home fresh. I would try to create as blank a slate as possible. When you moved in you made hundreds of tiny decisions like which shelf the flour sits on and which drawer holds spoons. You and your current partner might have made different decisions. So instead of clearing out a drawer for him I would examine each space like you were just moving in and really make it belong to both of you.


Great advice!


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#7 of 13 Old 12-19-2010, 06:58 AM
 
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Get rid of the junk in the garage. Then get some sage and smudge the heck out of the house. Make sure and have some open windows and doors. Declutter some more. Smudge the heck out of it again. Do the furniture too.

 

I understand that it can feel really odd to "live in someone else's skin" which is what it felt like to me with one house I moved into.  And he may not have realized that before moving in but he needs to make the best of it until he can afford to do something different.

 

A short sale would be short sighted. And stupid.

 

And it concerns me a bit that he hasn't started painting. Talk about painting the most "offensive" room together--perhaps the bedroom or living room. Go look at paint colors and come up with a plan. Fresh paint can really help.

 

Is your guy working? Then he could start putting just a little money away for new sofa/chairs, etc. but I think the smudging would help a lot.

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#8 of 13 Old 01-08-2011, 06:15 AM
 
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We're in DF's house, that he bought with his exwife.  At first, I didn't want to be here.  I wanted to sell it and buy a house that was 'ours'.  DF gave me free reign to change what I wanted, and encouraged me to move things around.  We knocked out a wall, made a big dining room,  sat down with the kids and decided what we were going to do.  The only kid who kept the same room was DSD.... DSS got a new room, fresh paint, carpet and in a new space.  DD's picked rooms, paint etc.  DF and I kept the master, but moved everything around.  The one thing that made sense to me was, we only had 11 more mortgage payments (way more now, because we had to buy her out), even after refinancing, we can not find a 5 bedroom, 2 bath house, with 20 acres for what we have as a mortgage.  Financially it made sense.  It made enough sense that this spring, we will put on a large addition off the back for a great room, which will also include a 2nd story to change the layout of our master.  Then, it will really feel like it's "ours", and not 'hers'. 

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#9 of 13 Old 05-02-2011, 11:08 PM
 
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i know this is an old thread, but it is something i am dealing with right now as well.  my ex and i have been separated for a couple of years now, but the divorce is still not final because we have not settled the house and debt yet.  we've come to an agreement, and i will be keeping the house, but i need to come up with the money to pay a lawyer to draft a separation agreement before we can finalize things.  we did have a "do it yourself" type agreement, but it's all pretty stupid and i shouldn't have signed it, and want a real legal binding agreement.  all of which he has agreed to, but it doesn't come cheap.  ex-husband is supposed to pay me some money for half the travel trailer that we owned, and that would be enough to cover the agreement, but i'm still waiting on it.

 

anyways, my bf and i got in an argument tonight because he doesn't feel like this is his house, he says he feels like a guest in ex-husband's house.  the argument started because i got angry that i'm the only one who does any housework around here, and between my job, my 2 kids, school, being 5 months pregnant, and a possible second job on the horizon, in addition to all the housework, i am feeling burnt out big-time.  i'm also paying the entire mortgage, all the bills, and buying all the groceries.  not to mention shelling out over $300 a month on medication i have to take because of this pregnancy.  because of the crappy agreement that ex and i had, bf held on to his old place so that he technically "wasn't living here," because i was in danger of losing my support payments if i had anyone else living in the house.  we've since resolved that, and bf is not paying at his old place as of this month, so i would really appreciate some financial help, as well as some help with the general chores around here.  he may not feel like this is his house, but on my end, i don't feel like he wants this to be his house, or he would be more involved physically and financially with it, not to mention acting more like a step-dad to my kids, since that is essentially what he has been for the past 6 months since he has been here.  and as for money, it's not like he can't afford to contribute.  he makes much more than i do, and he has spent thousands of dollars on accessories for his car as of late, but hasn't paid a dime towards anything for the house or family.

 

we don't have the option of selling and buying something of our own, because neither one of our credit is good enough to get approved right now.  i have told him he can make any changes he wants to around here to make it feel more like home, but he keeps giving me excuses that he has tried and i haven't let him, which i obviously don't agree with.  i want him to feel like this is his house, so maybe he will be more involved, but i just don't know what to do to.  we are having a baby in september, and i want him to feel like this is his house, and his family, not like he is a guest here who can just couch-surf all day and leave everything up to me.  i see his point of view, but i don't feel like he sees mine.  and i'm hormonal and i'm losing my temper at him over it, but i've just had enough of feeling overwhelmed.  :(


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#10 of 13 Old 05-03-2011, 10:58 AM
 
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If he doesn't want to feel like a house guest, he needs to stop acting like one. When he's contributing to the household, it'll feel more like his. From where I sit, it sounds like a big fat excuse to not have any responsibilities. if you don't want to be that blunt with him, maybe you could make an appointment with a financial advisor, to get help working out a monthly budget/savings plan. It may not feel like his home, but it is the house where he's living. Paying the rent/mortgage isn't for that warm fuzzy feeling, it's for shelter. A lot of people aren't perfectly happy with their living situation, and it doesn't excuse them from paying their way.

 

When SO & I moved in together, it was in a rental that I'd moved into on my own with the kids... no x-factor, but he felt like it was more mine than his. One point of contention was the kitchen... he was always asking me if he could have this or that. I told him if I'm hanging onto something for a certain meal, it'll stay in a grocery bag, otherwise I don't want to have to discuss what he's going to eat. I got him to tell me what sort of groceries he wanted to see in the cupboards... it turns out he snacks on completely different foods than I was used to buying. He was giving me a certain amount per pay cheque, so he felt entitled (rightfully) to speak up about how things were managed at home. He suggested that I change the plan on the home phone, because I could use his cell when I wanted to make a long distance call, and that saved me about $20 a month. He suggested we rearrange the bedroom, and even thought I didn't think it would work that way, we tried it out (it did work) I made use of the stuff he brought into the house... things that we both had (VCR, kettle, frying pan, bed spread, etc) we used his and I put mine away.


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#11 of 13 Old 05-04-2011, 11:11 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rareimer View Post

i know this is an old thread, but it is something i am dealing with right now as well.  my ex and i have been separated for a couple of years now, but the divorce is still not final because we have not settled the house and debt yet.  we've come to an agreement, and i will be keeping the house, but i need to come up with the money to pay a lawyer to draft a separation agreement before we can finalize things.  we did have a "do it yourself" type agreement, but it's all pretty stupid and i shouldn't have signed it, and want a real legal binding agreement.  all of which he has agreed to, but it doesn't come cheap.  ex-husband is supposed to pay me some money for half the travel trailer that we owned, and that would be enough to cover the agreement, but i'm still waiting on it.

 

anyways, my bf and i got in an argument tonight because he doesn't feel like this is his house, he says he feels like a guest in ex-husband's house.  the argument started because i got angry that i'm the only one who does any housework around here, and between my job, my 2 kids, school, being 5 months pregnant, and a possible second job on the horizon, in addition to all the housework, i am feeling burnt out big-time.  i'm also paying the entire mortgage, all the bills, and buying all the groceries.  not to mention shelling out over $300 a month on medication i have to take because of this pregnancy.  because of the crappy agreement that ex and i had, bf held on to his old place so that he technically "wasn't living here," because i was in danger of losing my support payments if i had anyone else living in the house.  we've since resolved that, and bf is not paying at his old place as of this month, so i would really appreciate some financial help, as well as some help with the general chores around here.  he may not feel like this is his house, but on my end, i don't feel like he wants this to be his house, or he would be more involved physically and financially with it, not to mention acting more like a step-dad to my kids, since that is essentially what he has been for the past 6 months since he has been here.  and as for money, it's not like he can't afford to contribute.  he makes much more than i do, and he has spent thousands of dollars on accessories for his car as of late, but hasn't paid a dime towards anything for the house or family.

 

we don't have the option of selling and buying something of our own, because neither one of our credit is good enough to get approved right now.  i have told him he can make any changes he wants to around here to make it feel more like home, but he keeps giving me excuses that he has tried and i haven't let him, which i obviously don't agree with.  i want him to feel like this is his house, so maybe he will be more involved, but i just don't know what to do to.  we are having a baby in september, and i want him to feel like this is his house, and his family, not like he is a guest here who can just couch-surf all day and leave everything up to me.  i see his point of view, but i don't feel like he sees mine.  and i'm hormonal and i'm losing my temper at him over it, but i've just had enough of feeling overwhelmed.  :(



Yikes! There were about a dozen red flags in that post. So you try to address the issue that he's living in your house without paying and money for rent, bills or groceries or doing any housework, and he turns it around to attack you by saying he feels like a guest? That kind of angry deflection is really worrisome. Is he doing anything for you besides being a total freeloader? It sounds like you got two new children out of the deal. I'd proceed with a whole lot of caution.

 

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#12 of 13 Old 05-05-2011, 07:41 AM
 
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I have to agree with MamaJen.  It doesn't sound like he really has a problem with the fact that it was your house with ex, and a whole lot more to do with he is just being a lazy free loader UAV.  :-(  I'm so sorry.  But seriously?  He can't help pay bills because he feels like a "house-guest"?  That is the most ridiculous thing!  And I've heard lots of crazy things thanks to my own UAV ex.

 

I'm assuming you are pregnant with his baby?  Is he helping pay for the prescription you need to be on for the pregnancy?  He NEEDS to step up and start contributing to mortgage, bills, groceries, and any medical costs associated with his child you are carrying.  That's for starters.  There is no reason he can't help with the housechores!  None!  My BF helps with my housechores at my parents house!  Just to help make things easier for me. Just for some perspective... cause trust me, been in your situation... and it did not end well.


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#13 of 13 Old 05-07-2011, 08:32 AM
 
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rareimer, 

 

you really need to reread your post as if someone else wrote it, before you take any other steps to solidify your relationship with this man. 

DP and I are not married, and we had less than pleasing living arrangements in the first few years of dating. Even then, we BOTH contributed what we could to the apartment / townhouse / wherever we were. If you love someone, you do what makes them happy, you do what you need to support them, in big things, important things. Not even paying the bills after living there for 6 months AND making more than you do all this time? It doesn't sound right on any level.


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