I want to have kids but my husband "already has one." - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 12-28-2010, 10:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm 26, and newly married.  I want to have kids in the future and I'm a pretty maternal person.  My husband has a 10 year old daughter and he's indifferent about having more kids.  He's a very technical, non-emotional guy but he has a great heart.  I've been looking forward to sharing that special "I'm pregnant," excitement with my spouse my whole life and now I feel like it's spoiled.  He'll have kids "If I want," but that's not the same.  Having kids is such a huge deal and I need to be sure that things are in place and it's the right time.  I've seen it go wrong with so many people and my kids deserve better.  And you only get pregnant for the first time once...  His daughter wasn't planned and he was only 18, he married her mom because "it was the right thing to do, " and he stuck it out for 7 years.  His daughter hates that they aren't together but she's nice to me.  I just read a forum about step-mom jealousy, which I'm also experiencing.  He is more attentive to her and I feel like I'm the only adult in the house when they're together.  I'm very romantic and the 'first times,' mean everything to me.  What do I do?


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#2 of 19 Old 12-28-2010, 10:37 AM
 
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That is something you will have to accept.  I'm sorry, I know it's not much help, but there are good things.  I was able to relax more because we weren't both trying to figure out how to care for the cord, or how to change the diapers, or give the first bath.  DH was an expert at it, so it allowed me to relax about it.  In the delivery room, he understood what was happening, more than I did.  Honestly, it was a relief having someone confident around rather than nervous, I was nervous enough for both of us. 

 

The excitement came after I got pregnant.  His excitement grew as the baby grew.  You will still get all the "firsts" and so will dh.  Once you have more than one, it isn't excitement about the first diaper change ever, but there is excitement about baby's first day home, baby's first tooth. 

 

If you want a child, and dh is willing to have a child, then go for it.  I think you will find that him having a child from a previous marriage is not going to change the excitement and joy for any future children.


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#3 of 19 Old 12-28-2010, 10:40 AM
 
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Relax and take a deep breath!!!! You have laid out the way that you feel.."been looking forward to sharing that special "I'm pregnant," excitement with 'the one."  Now just for a moment consider how he might feel.  His indifference could be due to everything that he went through with his ex-wife and their daughter, and he may feel like he has a bad track record and may not want to go through that with you.  I wouldn't put too much pressure on it and just let things naturally progress and I am sure that when the time is right and it happens, he will be VERY excited and happy!!!

 

My hubs and I went through the same exact thing.  We had DD when I was in college, then spilt and he had DSS.  Both of the relationships ended once the kids reached 8 months and once we got married, he was scared that it would happen again. But we relaxed and it happened and he is SO excited as if we are becoming first time parents!!!

 

Just have faith in your hubby and things will work out! *Hugs*


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#4 of 19 Old 12-28-2010, 10:46 AM
 
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If he's open to having more children, I don't see what the problem is here. No, he probably won't jump up and down when you tell him you're pregnant. You knew that going in.

 

That special "I'm pregnant" excitement happens a lot more on TV than it does IRL, anyway- similar to real-life weddings vs TV weddings, real-life proposals vs. engagement ring commercials. It'll happen the way it happens, and it will probably be fine.

 

When my husband proposed to me he didn't even have a ring- he wrapped his finger around mine in a ring shape and asked if I would marry him. We went out and got the ring later that week. When I told him I was pregnant, he looked at me a little apprehensively, got tears in his eyes, and said "Well, do you want to have my baby?" and I said yes, and we hugged. Neither of those are 10s on the romance scale, IMO, but they were perfect and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Don't throw away the beautiful imperfections of real love just because they aren't decorated in the trappings of "romance", and you should be fine.

 

BTW, my very exciting, hilarious, creative, musician ex literally jumped up and down and cried and yelled with excitement when I told him I was pregnant with DD. He looked like a lottery winner! He was also a self-centered jerkface and a crappy dad and I finally left him for good when DD was 11 months old. So, again, just a little example of how the "exciting" moment with the "exciting" guy ain't all it's cracked up to be.

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#5 of 19 Old 12-28-2010, 11:17 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lynsage View Post

If he's open to having more children, I don't see what the problem is here. No, he probably won't jump up and down when you tell him you're pregnant. You knew that going in.

 

That special "I'm pregnant" excitement happens a lot more on TV than it does IRL, anyway- similar to real-life weddings vs TV weddings, real-life proposals vs. engagement ring commercials. It'll happen the way it happens, and it will probably be fine.

 

When my husband proposed to me he didn't even have a ring- he wrapped his finger around mine in a ring shape and asked if I would marry him. We went out and got the ring later that week. When I told him I was pregnant, he looked at me a little apprehensively, got tears in his eyes, and said "Well, do you want to have my baby?" and I said yes, and we hugged. Neither of those are 10s on the romance scale, IMO, but they were perfect and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Don't throw away the beautiful imperfections of real love just because they aren't decorated in the trappings of "romance", and you should be fine.

 

BTW, my very exciting, hilarious, creative, musican ex literally jumped up and down and cried and yelled with excitement when I told him I was pregnant with DD. He looked like a lottery winner! He was also a self-centered jerkface and a crappy dad and I finally left him for good when DD was 11 months old. So, again, just a little example of how the "exciting" moment with the "exciting" guy ain't all it's cracked up to be.



You just reminded me.  A friend of mine found out his wife was pregnant, fell on the floor crying asking, "why me God, why me".  Literally, that was his reaction.  The baby was born and he cried and held his daughter for the first time and has been a wonderful father every since.  Not that I would wish his initial reaction on my worst enemy, but it does go to show that what we think the reaction is doesn't always effect the outcome.


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#6 of 19 Old 12-28-2010, 11:34 AM
 
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Oh yeah, that too, excitement or lack thereof can certainly grow, change, or turn around as time progresses. I already documented DH's happy, but not overjoyed, reaction to our pregnancy here, but what I didn't mention was that 7 months later I had a scary bout of pre-term labor accompanied by a kidney stone and I was hospitalized. At that time, I consented to an ultrasound and the tech offered to tell us the sex of the baby. DH timidly said "Why not?" and when she showed us that the baby was a boy, he broke down. This guy didn't even cry at our wedding and he was a MESS when he saw his son for the first time on that silly machine. We had to leave him in there for a minute to compose himself before he could come out. So, yeah, you never know.

 

Also? I hope your friend kicked her DH in the butt for that one.

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Originally Posted by lynsage View Post

If he's open to having more children, I don't see what the problem is here. No, he probably won't jump up and down when you tell him you're pregnant. You knew that going in.

 

That special "I'm pregnant" excitement happens a lot more on TV than it does IRL, anyway- similar to real-life weddings vs TV weddings, real-life proposals vs. engagement ring commercials. It'll happen the way it happens, and it will probably be fine.

 

When my husband proposed to me he didn't even have a ring- he wrapped his finger around mine in a ring shape and asked if I would marry him. We went out and got the ring later that week. When I told him I was pregnant, he looked at me a little apprehensively, got tears in his eyes, and said "Well, do you want to have my baby?" and I said yes, and we hugged. Neither of those are 10s on the romance scale, IMO, but they were perfect and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Don't throw away the beautiful imperfections of real love just because they aren't decorated in the trappings of "romance", and you should be fine.

 

BTW, my very exciting, hilarious, creative, musican ex literally jumped up and down and cried and yelled with excitement when I told him I was pregnant with DD. He looked like a lottery winner! He was also a self-centered jerkface and a crappy dad and I finally left him for good when DD was 11 months old. So, again, just a little example of how the "exciting" moment with the "exciting" guy ain't all it's cracked up to be.



You just reminded me.  A friend of mine found out his wife was pregnant, fell on the floor crying asking, "why me God, why me".  Literally, that was his reaction.  The baby was born and he cried and held his daughter for the first time and has been a wonderful father every since.  Not that I would wish his initial reaction on my worst enemy, but it does go to show that what we think the reaction is doesn't always effect the outcome.



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#7 of 19 Old 12-28-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lynsage View Post


Oh yeah, that too, excitement or lack thereof can certainly grow, change, or turn around as time progresses. I already documented DH's happy, but not overjoyed, reaction to our pregnancy here, but what I didn't mention was that 7 months later I had a scary bout of pre-term labor accompanied by a kidney stone and I was hospitalized. At that time, I consented to an ultrasound and the tech offered to tell us the sex of the baby. DH timidly said "Why not?" and when she showed us that the baby was a boy, he broke down. This guy didn't even cry at our wedding and he was a MESS when he saw his son for the first time on that silly machine. We had to leave him in there for a minute to compose himself before he could come out. So, yeah, you never know.

 

Also? I hope your friend kicked her DH in the butt for that one.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by lynsage View Post

If he's open to having more children, I don't see what the problem is here. No, he probably won't jump up and down when you tell him you're pregnant. You knew that going in.

 

That special "I'm pregnant" excitement happens a lot more on TV than it does IRL, anyway- similar to real-life weddings vs TV weddings, real-life proposals vs. engagement ring commercials. It'll happen the way it happens, and it will probably be fine.

 

When my husband proposed to me he didn't even have a ring- he wrapped his finger around mine in a ring shape and asked if I would marry him. We went out and got the ring later that week. When I told him I was pregnant, he looked at me a little apprehensively, got tears in his eyes, and said "Well, do you want to have my baby?" and I said yes, and we hugged. Neither of those are 10s on the romance scale, IMO, but they were perfect and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Don't throw away the beautiful imperfections of real love just because they aren't decorated in the trappings of "romance", and you should be fine.

 

BTW, my very exciting, hilarious, creative, musican ex literally jumped up and down and cried and yelled with excitement when I told him I was pregnant with DD. He looked like a lottery winner! He was also a self-centered jerkface and a crappy dad and I finally left him for good when DD was 11 months old. So, again, just a little example of how the "exciting" moment with the "exciting" guy ain't all it's cracked up to be.



You just reminded me.  A friend of mine found out his wife was pregnant, fell on the floor crying asking, "why me God, why me".  Literally, that was his reaction.  The baby was born and he cried and held his daughter for the first time and has been a wonderful father every since.  Not that I would wish his initial reaction on my worst enemy, but it does go to show that what we think the reaction is doesn't always effect the outcome.


 


If I remember right, it was a plate, or maybe a bowl, that got broken on him from her throwing it across the room.  They were in a bad place for a while after that. 
 


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#8 of 19 Old 12-28-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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Whether it's your first child, second, third or fourth, there's something so special about that child because it's yours.  When I started dating my husband he had a beautiful red head little toddler and i saw how much he loved her and thought "we'll never have a kid as cute as her" and "he could never love anyone the way he loves her".  Now we have a 4 1/2 year old son who my husband has so much fun with and who is so damn cute btw :-).  And we're having a baby girl next month and i know he'll love her just as much as the first two.

You absolutely cannot let your fear of the unknown (his future reactions) stop you from experiencing the most wonderful joys you'll ever experience as a mother and as a couple.  Go for it!  you'll never regret it.

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#9 of 19 Old 12-28-2010, 12:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks guys, I do feel a lot better about the situation... It's just like TV to make life seem like one big Fairy Tale but it's hard to come down to earth and accept reality.  I'm sure things will be ok, but the pre-pregnancy stress mixed with the step-mom jealousy isn't a fun situation.  Of course I went through that 'we won't have a kid he'll love more than his own,' crisis.  We are in the midst of a 'he's more attentive to his daughter than he is to me,' battle.

 

Also, does anyone wish they waiting longer to have kids and do you miss the time without?


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#10 of 19 Old 01-03-2011, 09:30 PM
 
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i cant really answer for how he might respond to you getting pg, but i would bet that his lack of enthusiasm comes from his first experience and how he envisions this one to be. afterall we can only really go on what we know and it doesnt sound like it was the best situation to be in at such a young age and then to have it implode 7 years later.... he is probably scared to death of what it could mean to your life and relationship. but i would also be willing to bet that when you do become pg that he will get excited and be more enthusiastic than he was when it happend the first time. in all actuallity it will be a first for him too. planning and getting ready, no pressure to marry just because, no guilt at disappointing parents and ruining your teen years... this time around will be entirely different for him and i imagine you will be pleasantly surprised at how he does respond. especially if you have a loving and close relationship.your excitement and joy will rub off on him and he will be a kind and excited loving dh.

maybe not from the very beginning,but as your bump gets bumpier and the u/s pictures are there and the baby becomes real to him, real with a woman he loves... well that really changes things.

i hope i am right and that all your dreams and wishes come true, i cant imagine that it wouldnt be any other way than i describe... i know that it has been for my friends in your position. people fear things that they have had poor experiences with, give hima chance to experience a good and happy pg with you. and please make your sd a big part of it too, that is one thing i often see, is that smom jealousy gets worse or skids bother you more when you are pg than when you arent.

be patient with him, i imagine he is scared. 

 

as for the smom jealousy, all i can say is try to see his loving relationship with his dd as a picture of his future love for your child. she can not replace you, she cant be his love or his wife, she is his dd. and that is a very special relationship. no more no less than yours, just different. i know for a fact that if it came to me or my dh's dd's that they would come first in most situations. it is a big part of what makes me love him, his commitment to his children. we have none together and do not plan to, but he is loving and kind and good to my children and we all share this thing we call a famliy with it's bumps and challenges. love her like she is your own and you will benefit for it, so will she.

 

hth~

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#11 of 19 Old 01-04-2011, 05:04 AM
 
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I think you can kind of get a feel for how your DH will react just based on how he is as a person. I kind of suspect your DH isn't a jump up and down kind of person, he's just kind of laid back, go with the flow?

 

I was 'disappointed' both times when I was pregnant. I really wanted DH to be over the moon excited, so enthusiastic, going with me to appointments and wanting to feel the baby kick and on and on. And really..... he was indifferent. Both pregnancies were planned, both babies were very much wanted, etc. etc. But.... he's just not that guy, y'know? Most men aren't. Like was said above, it's not like TV. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love his kids, he does. Pregnancy was just a hard thing for him to grasp. He just didn't..... it didn't quite click with him until the baby was born. And even then, he's not wildly fond of infants. He likes them more once they get to be toddlers and you can actually play with them and talk to them and share your sandwich, kwim? 

 

I think it's just important to let go of expectations that are out of your control. You can control how you react and what you do, but just try and remember that you can't make him think or feel or behave the way you think he should, and if you try to do that, you'll just cause yourself more grief. 

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#12 of 19 Old 01-04-2011, 11:13 AM
 
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Did you guys discuss this before you married? If you discussed it and still chose to marry him, then, gently, this is what you chose. And if you didn't discuss it, knowing how important having children is to you, well ... it seems like a glaringly huge thing to leave out of premarital discussions. 

 

As for the SM jealousy thing, think how it would be if you had a 10-year-old and married someone new. Wouldn't you be sure to spend lots of time with your child to reassure him/her? This is a major transition period, and you're entitled to any feelings you have as long as you don't in any way make your DSD feel unwelcome or like she has to compete with you for her father's attention. 

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#13 of 19 Old 01-04-2011, 01:54 PM
 
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What Limabean said. 

 

 

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I think it's just important to let go of expectations that are out of your control.

 

I think that this is good advice for married life generally.  Not that you shouldn't have standards of living. Not that you shouldn't ever check what you're experiencing with what other women/wives/mothers are experiencing to get an idea of what's normal.  But with some experience you're going to find that there is a broad range of what's normal.  You might really benefit if you try to put your idea of how your dh should behave (and your step daughter and any future child of your own, and your inlaws and your boss and co workers and the mail man) on hold. Observe carefully to see who people really are.  Not only will you save yourself a lot of grief when people closest to you don't do what you expect them to do, but you will save them grief as well. 

 

That's not to say that you aren't entitled to your feelings!  For example, I don't think I will ever get over my disappointment that my dear husband, whom I love so much, is utterly uninterested in learning to be handy around the house. I wasn't anticipating that one.  I don't quite seethe with resentment anymore. redface.gif  Occasionally I get irritated when I see the neighbor guy fixing his own sprinklers or what not, and then I move on and call the handyman service guy. 


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#14 of 19 Old 01-04-2011, 11:20 PM
 
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i heard a good quote over the holidays, it is great for when life gets hard and you feel like you have no control or things are beyond you

 

"you cant control the waves, but you can learn to surf"

 

the other poster's also had great thoughts on how we expect things to be due to the media's portrayal of things like weddings, announcments of pg's, engagements, births, birthdays, anniversaries etc.... life is real... those things are someone's idea of how they wish it had been or wish that it was for them or anyone.... frank zappa had a lot of great ideas and thoughts on this media setting the ideals in life for adults and especially for children and of course youth in his auto-biography. the love song, soap opera fall in love, fall out of love, life is filled with huge moments of excitement and terrible lows of disappointment...rather like main stream music/television/novels etc. i wish i could remember the name of that book,

 

also like the other poster's said, do try to work on forming your own relationship with your dsd, that goes a long way in helping to feel as though you are becoming and eventually part of their 'little unit' rather than an outsider looking in and feeling like you have no place there. create your own place with her. i know that it really helped when an experienced smomadvised me to try that, and it has worked. i do have my own relationship with both of my sd's and although their main one is with their dad, we have our own special bond and relationship that is strong and trustful and loving on both sides... :family love:

 

blending a family is a lot of hard work and compromise... on everyone's part, but i have found that the party coming in has the most work and compromise and trying to find their place or as i havew experienced 'make their own place' in an already existing unit. i have found that it has also been good advice for my dh with making his own relationships with my children... it has made blending our family a lot easier.... i am thankful daily for the advice that i have been blessed to receive in the past nearly seven years of forming our family. i learned a lot from  lot of other smoms.

the most important thing i learned and heard repeatedly was to form my own relationship and bond with my schildren.

it made it easier for dh's family to accept me and truly appreciate my efforts to accept and love my sd's also, it raised their opinion of me and of what i was willing to to do, especially when it came to their darling neices/granddaughters etc... they could really feel that i wasnt trying to interfere or force my place into their already existing family unit, traditions and well expectations of what a smom might or might not expect or demand and therefore they eventually accepted me and allowed i have found that they have allowed me to begin integrate my traditons into theirs also.

 

off topic maybe, but in my family there is a tradition where the lady of the house rings a crystal bell once the children have laid out cookies, hung stockings and the other things that are traditional to families, then the mother of the house does the bed check, hugs and kisses and good nights and the children would lay there and listen for that beautiful crystal chime of this beautiful bell and the children know that it is time to get to sleep because mom has let santa know that it is safe for him to come and do his work here. anyhow, as we had my dh's mom here on christmas eve this year, i explained just how this small ritual was so important to me and wishing my mom was here to share in this tradition. i told her that had my own mother been here, i would have deferred to her as the matriarch of my own family. this is the second year that we have held a Christmas Eve gathering, and really it was just mil and fil. But after explaining it to her, i asked her if she would please ring the bell in my own mother's place, being so far from my own mother we have become so close and in just this past year i have come to really feel that she has been there through a particularly hard year for me and that I loved her so much and how much it has meant to me to be able to feel as though i could really trust her to not judge me or the things that have been distressful and terribly hard and she hadnt once let me down. treating me as though i was her true daugher. she was there through spencer's birthe and my upset and heart break regarding that, in fact she was the only one in roberts whole family that i told he was on the way and told when he was born. i think that i didnt tell anyone until robert's dad just in the past month or so. anyhow, she really is like a mother to me and i love her. 

she was very touched, my sd's loved it and loved having a tradition that i had loved and looked forward to as a child, it was like the last thing in a harry potter spell that made the magic happen

 

maybe if you look at being a sd as sort of like being  a dil, coming into a relationsip that is long term. that has it's special rituals and traditions, that have a history together... just like the one that you and dh are building together, and now you, dh and sd, you, dh, sd, and both sets of inlaws there is also the one that you are building with sd herself. maybe that one my prove the hardest... it involves so much being the 'outsider' not like having dh roll head on into our lives.. it is different somehow with women. i don't know why that it, it just seems to be that way. or maybe men feel it too, but they dont talk about it like we do.

 

anyhow what worked for me was to think of how i wished or my favourite auntie was when i were little, or which story book character i wished was my nanny or if you are super lucky the same mother that your own was. and thentried to treat my sd's that way, how you wished another adult in your life could have been. someone they can totally trust to love them no matter what. to listen with a little bit less biased opinion a safe ear that she can talk about her true feelings about things. a good cand caring adult but no less true friend. i share such a close loving bond with my sd's. each access they seek me out separately and together and we talk and say nothing or craft or chat or what ever, cuddle, just be together. i no longer feel any of the jealousy or negative feelings that i felt in the beginning of our relationship. i changed and with that so did everythihngn else.

i think that really trying to come at it with that perspective rather than feeling resentment or jealousy at their relationship, make the time, plan it and make sure that dh knows that this will be special bonding time that is going to happen each access visit or once a week if he has more than eow access. and talk to sd about it too, how you want to form a relationship with her, because you love her dad and you truly hope that you and she can share that type of love as it grows with time, how it is important to you that you and she have your own separate relationship, just as she and her dad do, just as you and her dad do. then planthings to do together, anything or nothing... and do them. and talk and listen and you will find that you do form a relationship with her, and as that happens, as you make a bond all your own with her.. your feelings of jealousy will fade. because you will have what you feel you are missing, that speial connection, relationship, that thing they have that you arent part of.

 

you have to power to do this, and it will make all the difference in your relationship with your dh, and perhaps his feelings about having another child, or just a good positive family change for the better if nothing more

 

hth~

 

vs

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#15 of 19 Old 01-05-2011, 03:19 PM
 
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This is what is stopping me from taking that step with my current boyfriend. He has a 12 year old son and is indifferent about children. I've had one miscarriage and would like to have at least two children in my life. I don't want to have kids until I am married and I know that the father will really want kids.

 

That's why I'm on birth control currently. I'm not going to bring a child into this relationship until I know he actually wants more children.

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#16 of 19 Old 01-08-2011, 08:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You're right, he's not the jump up and down type.  He's an amazing husband, very loving, but not very excitable.  I suspect that he is nervous because of his first time around, with the unplanned pregnancy and the ex-wife.  Thanks for the advice : )


champagne.gif Advice from your friendly newlywed and aspiring parent.  Cheers to family planning! 
Family = me + husband + step daughter 2twins.gif
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#17 of 19 Old 05-27-2011, 06:09 AM
 
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omg, i am not gonna lie as i was readying your post it felt like i wrote it, because that it how i feel and what i am going through, so how is your marraige working out.

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#18 of 19 Old 06-02-2011, 02:16 PM
 
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First, though its a little too late for this, I agree with the poster that said, if you knew this when you married him, then you should have known to expect this. Again, this doesnt help though.lol Just thought I would agree with this.

 

If you want a child, and your hubby is not so keen, then o well, actually my friend did this. She got pregnant, her hubby married her, and then she wanted another child when that child was 2. He said NO WAY. Then he said, if you do all the care, you can have a child, but I am not doing any of it. He is a very loving guy, but hates kids and hates doing all the diapering, feeding, etc. So she chose to have one anyway, her child ended up being born with CHARGE syndrome, which is a RARE serious cndition. The child is in and out of hospital, my friend has been taking care of a very very severly ill child for 5 years AND her son who is 7 now, all by herself pretty much. Her hubby works and goes to the bar. Hes not a BAD guy, she loves him he is just emotionally detached and just does not like children. But she doesnt regret a single bit of it and is an awesome mother. My point is, if you do have a child, do not expect him to change and be all enthusiatic about the child, do not expect him to jump up and down and help with childcare, etc. But if he does, that would be awesome! You also need to keep in mind that things do happen, my friend never thought she was have such a sick child with special needs when she decided to go ahead and get pregnant. I am not trying to scare you, just to make sure you really think things through.

 

As for the jealousy part, I understand. My ss only comes 2 days a week here and I encourage my hubby to spend lots of time with him, as he sees him so little, but sometimes hubby goes over the top with it and ends up not spending anytime with the babies and I get jealous for OUR children, not myself. LOL Its something you just have to accept. Remeber, the child will grow up and have memories of her father spending time with her, and this would make her a very secure adult, instead of memories of her dad ignoring her for his new wife. :) Its hard, I know.


Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

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#19 of 19 Old 06-18-2012, 01:58 PM
 
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Thank you so much... you have no idea how it felt reading that. I am 24 and when I think about it all cause I am in the same state i just wanna cry and run away from it all. I know it will never be like a Disney movie but I know he is the "one". But will be working on myself more through this all and I know it will make me into a better person. I don't feel all alone know thank you again-Amy

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