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Old 01-06-2011, 08:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My child whio is 8 wants to live with father...who by the way lives with his mother still.  It is fun over there, they stay up till 3 in the morning. No rules.  Also father is alcoholic and has no license.  Yet his father promises him stuff and also says if I would come back we would be a happy family.  So the fault is always on me.  My son is to young to know really how unhappy we were.  My son knows his father is an alcoholic but grandma also says she will take care of him.  I don't even like that he goes there for a week..always worried about supervision I could never let him live there.  Truthfully i am not to worried that a judge is going to give a parent custody who drinks, 4 dui's and lives with mommy, a child my problem is how to handle the situation.  I hate always being the bad guy and it hurts that they find this man so much fun and rather be with him. 

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Old 01-06-2011, 09:12 AM
 
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I would cut back on visitation. If there is a court order, then I would try to go back to court to have parenting classes ordered for him and make specific rules regarding visitation.

 

Also, I would consider talking to your child about alcoholism and personal responsibility and his future and so on. There is a lot of alcoholism on my husband's side, and while I would rather not have had to speak to my children about it, fact is, it affects them. The biggest concern is that they will get sucked in to the life style and think it is fun and they need to know that it is not and why. They also need to know from an early age about how they need to be careful themselves because there is a genetic component to alcoholism, but it is still all about choices. And they can make the choice to not have these problems. Your 8 yr old is only seeing the fun part. He is not seeing the huge downsides of being an alcoholic. He needs to know.

 

Good luck. ((((hugs))))

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Old 01-07-2011, 10:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for the advice. I did make an appointment with a counsler for me and the children.  I would like to cut back and maybe the counsler will know what I can do.  I want him to be part of their lives but unfortunatly the alcohol is destroying his and I don't want him to drag the children down with him. So Thank you for listening, sometimes just getting it out there helps.

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Old 01-07-2011, 02:44 PM
 
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Your son may not be happy with your decision, but a lot of times in split households, the children don't understand the truth of the situation until they're older.  It's not the funnest few years but it's best for the kid and he'll understand that eventually.  Good luck!


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Old 01-08-2011, 10:15 PM
 
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is there anyway that you can get back into court and have him be required to pick up and drop off the children at a local police station to prove that he has not been drinking. surely with 4 dui's that wouldn't be seen as your acting/being vindictive or friviolous. i can't imagine a judgenot thinking that is reasonable, afterall 4 dui's is pretty serious and if he is driving drunk with your children in the car, then he is risking their lives as well as the general public's. and i would imagine that as someone with 4 dui's that would be some sort of indication of a drinking problem so maybe some therapy or counseling that would give an expert report of the level of his alcolholism and could he be ordered to not drink while he has his access time with your son, perhaps his mother might be able to be the supervisor, but i don't kow if you trust her or not, then again if he has to give a breahalizer when he drops off and picks up the kids, then she would be found out pretty quickly as to whether she was a qualified superviser or he  might have to pay to have a professional supervisor or someone else you agree upon.

 

your son is old enough to be told the truth about alcoholism without you belittling or saying anything bad about his father. it is a disease and some people have it, it doesnt make them bad people, but his father does have some of the symptoms of what an alcoholic is, the dui's losing his license, the things that seem like fun, really are just him being able to live without rules and while that might seem like fun, in a world without rules, everything would fall apart. there need to be rules and it cant be fun all the time. there has to be a time for work for us to be able to enjoy the 'fruits of our labour' kwim. everything explained at his emotional and developmental level of course. that will take away your looking or feeling like the bad guy, you arent the bad guy, you are the responsible one, and if you were doing something that your son's dad thought was unsafe, then you trust that his dad loved him enough to make sure he was safe too, and that is all you are doing. it is the truth.

 

but i would definitely seek some sort of legal counsel or advice, or if it is like where i live you muddle through yourself and hope for the best. start as soon as possible to do whatever you can to have your order changed, or if you do not have an order, then apply for legal aid and get one asap. it is so much in your son's best interest,

 

good luck, vs

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Old 01-09-2011, 08:25 AM
 
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"your son is old enough to be told the truth about alcoholism without you belittling or saying anything bad about his father."

 

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... and a good counselor could really help with that. 

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Old 01-09-2011, 10:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have talked with him about alcoholism and I did make an appointment with a counsler.  His father is playing mind games with him saying if he lived with him he would get this or that.  I am going to see what the counsler says and see what I can do.  I wish I fought him in the first place but his family has money and drained me in my divorce I gave up.  I could kick myself, of course at the time the father was in therapy and his parents said they would help, so much for that they have been telling my son things also.  Who wouldn't want to live with grandma at 8, she gives him everything.  But I am remarried know and been documenting the last three years, printing pictures off fb that he posts of him with the kids (beer always in hand).  So hopefully I can do something, I want  him to be in his dads life but there needs to be better supervision.  I am going to ask the father to take a parenting class or see a counsler also, although I really don't think he will I am always hoping for the best. Thanks for your comments. :)

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Old 01-18-2011, 09:26 AM
 
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Not that we should take advise from serial murder tv shows but on Dexter, his girlfriend was having a problem like this.  The father had just gotten out of jail and of her kids were angry at her because she wouldn't let them be unsupervised with their dad, and even then, they didn't get to visit him as often as they liked.  They blamed her for him going back to jail.  So, she made the father explain to the children why he was in jail and why he could not see them unsupervised... in the end, it was a great lesson for the kids.  What I'm saying is that someone (ideally the dad) needs to explain to your child what alcoholism is and that his dad is learning to get better but isn't quite there yet... it may give you child an opportunity to see his dad as human, that he makes mistakes too but learns from them and puts his kid first... maybe explain it this way to the dad too. 


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Old 01-20-2011, 05:30 PM
 
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oooo eeeek i dont know if someone who doesn't think they are an alcoholic or have a drinking problem or if they are in re-covery and are at the point where you talk to people about your illness and the reasons for things and saying sorry etc... that would be a pretty hard conversation to have with an eight yo. maybe if he had been sober for a good length of time and wasn't in any danger of re-lapsing any time soon. otherwise i don't know...  when i imagine myself in op's position and the way her ex seems so lacadasical about not only small matters but serious ones as well... i can't imagine letting him be the one to explain things. if he has the boy thinking he is going to be living in a rule free paradise i can only imagine how he would down play his alcohol use.

 

does your son talk about wanting to live with his dad all the time or just after he comes back from a visit?

 

you seem to only have your son's best interests at heart, it doesn't sound like you have an agenda to keep them apart. what comes across to me in what you say is that you only want what is safest and best for your ds. thankfully you have documented everything. that is such a saving grace when it comes to court. at least it is here, where it is considered to be true and an honest record of what occurred or was said or what have you. i hope it is the same where you are. it is common here too for a parent with a past history of dui's to have to pick up their kids at the rcmp and blow a breathalizer to get custody of their kids for their access time. it is something to think about.. i think i said it already, but it seems to me the safest solution to that one part of the problem.

 

i have known people who have had "no drinking while the child is in their care" as part of their court orders and the police take it seriously when someone calls them and tells them that a court order of that nature involving children is being violated. they go right to the home and verify that no alcohol is being consumed or has been consumed. i wonder if that is common there or taken as seriously..? worth checking into. that number of dui's and his disregard for the general public and his son's life i just so frightening to me.... and it isnt even me who is living with it, you must be scared silly sometimes. when i think about it in a bit more depth... you know when he arrives home, if he lives with his mother, then she is aware that he drives drunk and either condones it or says nothing. i don't know which is worst, but that just occurred to me and all i could think was there is no way she could be supervisor of access... she already does nothing when she sees her son dui. :sad: when you think about it.

 

i wonder too, here if you were to tell a couselor that you suspected or knew that your ex probably dui while he was having his access to ds the counselor would have to report that to the authorities. i wonder if it is the same where you are? the police would be looking for his vehicle to ensure that not only wasnt he dui with your son in the car but with that record that he wasnt dui at all.  i hope you will come back and post how things go when you talk to the counselor.

 

:hug:

 

vs

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Old 01-21-2011, 09:50 AM
 
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One thing about living the life of the adult-alcoholic-child who still lives with mommy, it's not sustainable in the long run. That will become apparent to your kids with time. The promises are never kept, and there's always a bad feeling when you stay up until three too many nights in a row. If it were me, I would express how glad I am that the two of them have so much fun together, and that he will continue to come home to you. You don't have to justify yourself in any way- you are the solid rock your kids need, and as they get older and the broken promises build up, they'll understand that. Loving kids is about creating a safe and warm home, getting them to their school and activities on time, keeping them cared for, knowing they are safe at all times, staying calm in the storm, noticing their success, setting them straight, etc. THAT is love, not offering some new feel-good novelty every time the excitement begins to wear off, and NOT tearing down their safe and stable home life to their faces. I promise you, they will see through him some day.


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