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#31 of 55 Old 03-07-2011, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Leenikol87 View Post

ps it's four days a year..everyone hear a year.  and no we wouldn't be crying over not getting her support..we wouldn't want it..she would be the dead beat mom bc she lost her first kid bc of the sex offender..so you all tell me why she hasn't gotten her second baby taken because we have said something to both the court and our lawyer, all u smart people answer me that.  My husband wishes one of his parents would have just given up..he got beat because the other parent was getting mad at the other..You all wouldn't be caring if i was the one trying to get my ex's parental rights reliquished..you would be giving me help on how to do it. 

Do you actually use all that money on ur daughter?

 


I guess the bottom line is you came to the wrong place looking for people to be sympathetic to a man abandoning his child (thats what it is) to likely sexual abuse, forget about just abandoning her in general.

I guess I could say my dad "abandoned" me, in a long drawn out fashion, we haven't talked in a long time and I haven't seen him in years. I will never forgive it but I have accepted that things don't change. I would laugh in his face if he came to me now begging for a relationship to make himself feel better.

 

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#32 of 55 Old 03-07-2011, 05:03 PM
 
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Sugar, I got news for you.  It doesn't matter how she spends that money because she's spending HER money supporting HIS daughter.  My daughter's child support comes in and goes straight into the budget to cover bills as my daughter lives here and enjoys the things we pay for - you know like a roof, electricity, water, food, and if we're lucky some clothes and toys for her at the end.  $400 is MEASLY compared to how much it ACTUALLY  costs per month to care for a child the cheapest way possible.  OBVIOUSLY we don't have the full story - if the bf really was a registered sex offender, your man's daughter would've been removed too.  So either he's not or you haven't reported it properly.  Also, I fail to believe that if he'd really shown some initiative in wanting to see his daughter that he would not have succeeded in getting any additional time unless there is something fundamentally wrong with him that you're not telling us.  If he wants to terminate rights that's his decision but trying to say it's for the betterment of the child?  Hell no, in this case it's next to abuse.  He missed that opportunity where it may have been for her betterment 2 years ago.

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#33 of 55 Old 03-07-2011, 05:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Leenikol87 View Post

ps it's four days a year..everyone hear a year.  and no we wouldn't be crying over not getting her support..we wouldn't want it..she would be the dead beat mom bc she lost her first kid bc of the sex offender..so you all tell me why she hasn't gotten her second baby taken because we have said something to both the court and our lawyer, all u smart people answer me that.  My husband wishes one of his parents would have just given up..he got beat because the other parent was getting mad at the other..You all wouldn't be caring if i was the one trying to get my ex's parental rights reliquished..you would be giving me help on how to do it. 

Do you actually use all that money on ur daughter?

 

 

I'm not her, but I'd bet she does. Do you have any clue how expensive raising children is?  It's EXPENSIVE - more expensive than I ever could have imagined.   (And that money isn't being received by the poster who posted how much her husband pays, that money is going to a different child - unless I read it wrong.)  I'm not even getting $400 per month right now, and things are TIGHT - we're only making it b/c my parents are helping me out tons right now.  $400 is not enough to actually support a child.
 

 

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#34 of 55 Old 03-07-2011, 06:14 PM
 
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If I didn't know better I'd say "no way can this post be real" but unfortunately I think this is absolutely real.

 

OP, being that you said you are pregnant, I'm sure it's important to you to see in your dh a good father, a good provider, etc. It would kill that fantasy to look at this situation objectively and see it for what it is, which is a father who has already given up. While I certainly understand frustration and I will be the first to say that the courts and the system are not always right or fair, and often time dads DO get the short end of the stick, even if all that is true, this is a situation that calls for dogged, unrelenting persistence.

 

Let me give you an example of "dogged persistence." I met my DP and got pregnant right away. We hadn't been together that long, we argued, broke up, and I decided to move to another state. When he found out where I was he packed up whatever he could fit in two overnight bags, borrowed money from family and rode a bus for 48 hours with only whatever food $5 could buy him, to get to me and our unborn child. Later in the relationship I felt we needed time apart. I moved to yet another state (my home state). He once again got on a bus and a train and followed me here, where he then got two jobs and saved enough money to put a roof over our heads. We may be together but even during our worst moments, he has loved both of our children fiercely. He always sees that they are taken care of....food, clothes, toys, etc. I've asked him what he would do if I moved away with the kids and he said he would follow me and sit on my doorstep til I let him see his kids. Our first child is not his biologically but he has always loved him and valued their bond. THAT is a father.

 

In comparison, the man who "fathered' my first child tells everyone that I won't let him see ds. The truth is actually that I have never denied him visitation. However, I have another child, a job and a life to attend to. He works part time and lives at home with Mommy. the way I see it, if he wants to see ds, he can come see him. I'm not going to put both my kids and my DP (who wouldn't let me go alone for safety) through the rigamarole of traveling 8 hrs each way for a 2 hr visit. He translates that as "she won't let me see ds."

 

This man is showing you how he will treat YOUR child in a few years. It may not be what you WANT to see, but it is right in front of your eyes.  If he is not willing to fight tooth and nail for this child, he won't fight tooth and nail for yours either.

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#35 of 55 Old 03-07-2011, 06:26 PM
 
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I am a mom raising a daughter who was abandoned by her father.   I am the one who will have to answer her questions about why he opted out.  I have been the one to hold her when she was sick, when she was scared, and when she felt discarded because there was no one there for her. My husband is the man she has learned to look up to, and he is the man she is learning from- he teaches her that a good man will love their children endlessly.  He teaches her that a good man will do whatever it takes to make sure that his children are warm, sheltered, clothed, and know they are loved.  Hi is the man who goes to her performances, and takes her to swimming and dance lessons. He is the man who holds her accountable for her actions, and lets her know that even though he loves her, she owes it to herself to be a good person and face a challenge head on.  All of that- while it helps, will not fill in the hole left by a father who didn't care enough to get out of his own way for his child.

 

Your husband needs to go to military finance and arrange for his child support to be automatically deposited for his child. He needs to take every moment of visitation he can, and stride into the courtroom demanding more. He needs stop looking for a way out, and start looking for a way in.  

 

I don't care if this mother is annoying, difficult, or shows poor judgement- in fact- if she is so miserable that he, as a grown man, can not deal with her for the brief challenges of arranging visitation and financial support, he should certainly be looking for joint or primary custody to protect his child from a woman who subjects his child to such poor judgement.

 

As for you- I would take a long look at what he is doing to the child he already has, and help him treat that child the way you want your child to be treated, because they are equally his children.  They are equally deserving of his support and love.  You need not to enable his search for an easy out here. You need to hold him accountable, and expect that he needs to provide for his child as well as the child you have chosen to have with a man who already has another child with another woman.  That is your journey.  

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#36 of 55 Old 03-07-2011, 06:51 PM
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If I didn't know better I'd say "no way can this post be real" but unfortunately I think this is absolutely real.

 

OP, being that you said you are pregnant, I'm sure it's important to you to see in your dh a good father, a good provider, etc. It would kill that fantasy to look at this situation objectively and see it for what it is, which is a father who has already given up. While I certainly understand frustration and I will be the first to say that the courts and the system are not always right or fair, and often time dads DO get the short end of the stick, even if all that is true, this is a situation that calls for dogged, unrelenting persistence.

 

Let me give you an example of "dogged persistence." I met my DP and got pregnant right away. We hadn't been together that long, we argued, broke up, and I decided to move to another state. When he found out where I was he packed up whatever he could fit in two overnight bags, borrowed money from family and rode a bus for 48 hours with only whatever food $5 could buy him, to get to me and our unborn child. Later in the relationship I felt we needed time apart. I moved to yet another state (my home state). He once again got on a bus and a train and followed me here, where he then got two jobs and saved enough money to put a roof over our heads. We may be together but even during our worst moments, he has loved both of our children fiercely. He always sees that they are taken care of....food, clothes, toys, etc. I've asked him what he would do if I moved away with the kids and he said he would follow me and sit on my doorstep til I let him see his kids. Our first child is not his biologically but he has always loved him and valued their bond. THAT is a father.

 

In comparison, the man who "fathered' my first child tells everyone that I won't let him see ds. The truth is actually that I have never denied him visitation. However, I have another child, a job and a life to attend to. He works part time and lives at home with Mommy. the way I see it, if he wants to see ds, he can come see him. I'm not going to put both my kids and my DP (who wouldn't let me go alone for safety) through the rigamarole of traveling 8 hrs each way for a 2 hr visit. He translates that as "she won't let me see ds."

 

This man is showing you how he will treat YOUR child in a few years. It may not be what you WANT to see, but it is right in front of your eyes.  If he is not willing to fight tooth and nail for this child, he won't fight tooth and nail for yours either.

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#37 of 55 Old 03-07-2011, 07:51 PM
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Your husband needs to go to military finance and arrange for his child support to be automatically deposited for his child. He needs to take every moment of visitation he can, and stride into the courtroom demanding more. He needs stop looking for a way out, and start looking for a way in.  

 

I don't care if this mother is annoying, difficult, or shows poor judgement- in fact- if she is so miserable that he, as a grown man, can not deal with her for the brief challenges of arranging visitation and financial support, he should certainly be looking for joint or primary custody to protect his child from a woman who subjects his child to such poor judgement.

 

As for you- I would take a long look at what he is doing to the child he already has, and help him treat that child the way you want your child to be treated, because they are equally his children.  They are equally deserving of his support and love.  You need not to enable his search for an easy out here. You need to hold him accountable, and expect that he needs to provide for his child as well as the child you have chosen to have with a man who already has another child with another woman.  That is your journey.  

I would agree, if he really has something better to offer, which he is unlikely to be objective and ethical enough to make a decision about. You said 'grown man', which nothing the OP is stating could confirm.

 

Either way, he owes the kid money because he made her have to be born into a world that won't automatically guarantee survival.

 

To the OP's Dude: Send money, dude. If you get your head right enough to actually show the kid some respect, fast, then try to see her more. Otherwise, leave her alone and send money. Quit dogging her mama, it's called parental alienation and it sucks. Either she's unfit* enough for you to call CPS or not.

 

 

That's just my perspective, but resentful, immature daddies make for unpleasant baggage. Money, delivered punctually and invisibly, not so much. He can always get therapy and learn about accountability and sincere apologies if he wants to do that. The child can decide for herself to accept or reject him at such a time. In the meantime, I wouldn't want my daddy to come see me because someone told him to do it.
 

*Unfit=abusive/neglectful, not just 'not kissing your butt enough'

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#38 of 55 Old 03-07-2011, 07:57 PM
 
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AttunedMama that was fabulous!

 

As a side note - $400 wouldn't even cover childcare in my area.  It's $500 a month MINIMUM in childcare just so one can go to work let alone make enough money to support a family.

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#39 of 55 Old 03-07-2011, 08:03 PM
 
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This is true.  I have some fantasy that the OP and her partner will actually 'get it' and step in to be responsible adults for this child.  I feel like maybe they really think they are helping the child by getting out of the way- and are simply clueless instead of intentionally being callous. I can hope.

 

In my situation, my ex has not seen his daughter in almost a decade.  He is unlikely to see her again, and he wants to wash his hands of her.  My husband is happy to step in to fill the void as much as he can and together we provide a solid framework to mitigate the damage her bio-dad has caused.   I understand that in certain situations an invisible dad is better than one who doesn't want to be involved, but if the Mom doesn't want him off the hook financially, he should step up and pay- gracefully and without whining.  

 


 

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I would agree, if he really has something better to offer, which he is unlikely to be objective and ethical enough to make a decision about. You said 'grown man', which nothing the OP is stating could confirm.

 

Either way, he owes the kid money because he made her have to be born into a world that won't automatically guarantee survival.

 

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#40 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 06:00 AM
 
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Im just glad im a single mother by choice. I dont have dramas with an ex. 

 

That being said, there was a discussion very recently about exactly the points the OP raised-the unfairness of a man being forced to pay child support because of biology. There is an unfairness. It doesnt mean the bio father shouldnt be held responsible, but, it just seems to me that its understandable if there is resentment.  

 

To the OP, there has been some great advice on this thread about how you can gain a better custody arrangement with your partners daughter.  If her bio mother is as bad as you say, and living with a sex offender, then this child needs you all the more.

 

Personally, i would be fighting to have her removed  and in my custody, if i were the dad.  Im glad to hear that living with a sex offender  would be grounds for removal.  (so it should be)

 

It sounds like you need a lawyer. For the sake of the little girl, go get one.

 

 

 

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#41 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 06:12 AM
 
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Im just glad im a single mother by choice. I dont have dramas with an ex. 

 

 



The nice thing to remember though is that it doesn't have to involve huge dramas.  People can just accept things and work collaboratively for the good of the child, and many people manage to do that just fine.  It seems to me that this guy is creating drama by wanting to opt out instead of being stable rock for this kid in what may be a pretty bumpy life if her mom shows poor judgement. It always angers me when people can't seem to get that they may not like the hand they've been dealt, but they need to accept it and make it work. 

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#42 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 09:44 AM
 
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ps it's four days a year..everyone hear a year.  and no we wouldn't be crying over not getting her support..we wouldn't want it..she would be the dead beat mom bc she lost her first kid bc of the sex offender..so you all tell me why she hasn't gotten her second baby taken because we have said something to both the court and our lawyer, all u smart people answer me that.  My husband wishes one of his parents would have just given up..he got beat because the other parent was getting mad at the other..You all wouldn't be caring if i was the one trying to get my ex's parental rights reliquished..you would be giving me help on how to do it. 

Do you actually use all that money on ur daughter?

 



My apologies for misunderstanding on visitation.  And *I* do not get that money.  My husband and I pay that much money to his ex.  Would I enjoy that extra money each month?  Sure.  But I don't resent sending it because I believe my husband is responsible for his daughter.  And he also has a 3-year-old with me.

 

My comments still stand.  Giving up on your child is something that child will NEVER understand.

 

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#43 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 09:45 AM
 
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And the fact that she is with a registered sex offender would make me think you'd want to fight even harder to see the child, as you and your husband would be able to look out for her, even if it is only four days a year.

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#44 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 09:53 AM
 
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AttunedMama that was fabulous!

 

As a side note - $400 wouldn't even cover childcare in my area.  It's $500 a month MINIMUM in childcare just so one can go to work let alone make enough money to support a family.



I pay $1,303 per month where I am.  I take comfort in knowing my husband takes care of his responsibilities, and even if we separated or divorced, he would do everything in his power to take care of his daughter.  He's shown that to me by how he takes care of his daughter from a previous relationship.

 

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#45 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 09:57 AM
 
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I pay $1,303 per month where I am.  I take comfort in knowing my husband takes care of his responsibilities, and even if we separated or divorced, he would do everything in his power to take care of his daughter.  He's shown that to me by how he takes care of his daughter from a previous relationship.

 

 

Yeah, in my area I found really great daycare for $800/month, there ARE cheaper options, but they're AWFUL and I would never send my ds to them (there is one that's nice, and is slightly less, but I have to provide all the food for ds, and its really inconvenient - all the ones that are close enough are terrible with a capital T). 

 

$1,303 is alot!!  Ouch.
 

 

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#46 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 10:10 AM
 
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Yeah, in my area I found really great daycare for $800/month, there ARE cheaper options, but they're AWFUL and I would never send my ds to them (there is one that's nice, and is slightly less, but I have to provide all the food for ds, and its really inconvenient - all the ones that are close enough are terrible with a capital T). 

 

$1,303 is alot!!  Ouch.
 

 


It is a lot, but like you said, worth it to make sure my daughter is in a good daycare.  BUT, I couldn't imagine having to pay for everything on my own.  I get a pretty good paycheck, and I think I'd be left with maybe $100 a month after paying for the basics (rent, bills, insurance, daycare, gas, car payment).  That doesn't even include clothes and gorceries.  Single mothers have my utmost respect, especially when they don't have another parent helping at all.

 

And just going back to the OP for a moment, my husband's ex is horrible.  My stepdaughter has told us that she goes to her boyfriend's house for days, leaving her kids home alone with no food.  Her older sister has to come home from college just to make sure her younger siblings are fed and taken care of.  We've been fighting for custody for five years, and our efforts are finally paying off.  We are officially getting custody of my stepdaughter on Friday.  These things are not easy, even when you KNOW the biological mother is horrible.

 

BUT, even knowing she is horrible and may not (probably isn't) spending child support on my stepdaughter, I still don't resent it, because I know my stepdaughter would be in even a more precarious position without that money.


 

 

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#47 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 10:11 AM
 
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Yeah, in my area I found really great daycare for $800/month, there ARE cheaper options, but they're AWFUL and I would never send my ds to them (there is one that's nice, and is slightly less, but I have to provide all the food for ds, and its really inconvenient - all the ones that are close enough are terrible with a capital T). 

 

$1,303 is alot!!  Ouch.
 

 

 

 

It's only $500 because I have a good friend I'd be able to pay to watch her.  The good daycares around here are in the $800 bracket too.  For ONE toddler.  I REALLY don't understand where parents paying support think they're paying sooo much.  My ex does it too.  He pays $558 a month and thinks he should only be paying $150!  Ridiculous!  OP, please, make your man accountable and protect his poor little girl!
 

 

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#48 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 01:19 PM
 
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I gotta call troll here. I do not want to believe that there is someone out there, a pregnant mother no less, who really doesn't know it's not OK for a father to abandon his child to her mother (who's not painted in a very positive light at all) and her *registered sex offender* boyfriend just to save 400 bucks! Plus, if you relinquish your rights, legally speaking, don't you still have pay child support? As in you can relinquish your rights, but not your responsibilities? And can't you only relinquish your rights if there's someone else to take them, ie an adoptive step-parent? 

 

Either that, or there is WAY more to this story. Visitation 4 times per year? And not in days or week, but 3 hours each time? That just doesn't sound right. I could see 4 times/year if you lived a long way away, but then, just for 3 hours? No. Doesn't add up.

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Either that, or there is WAY more to this story. Visitation 4 times per year? And not in days or week, but 3 hours each time? That just doesn't sound right. I could see 4 times/year if you lived a long way away, but then, just for 3 hours? No. Doesn't add up.

 

In the first post, the OP says "we live in michigan", but in her profile thing it says "military in alaska". So.... no idea where this person actually lives and where the child lives. I, too, don't see any court ordering 4 visits per YEAR, at only 3 hours each. That's just not likely. The OP still never answered a question posted up thread about what the actual court order states regarding visitation.


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#51 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 02:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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we have one and has had one since she was born.  We have told the right people about the sex offender and yet nothing has happened. Because the court won't physically go to the home and see the sex offender (registered in Kent County, he is a for sex offender) they won't take the baby away.   the Bio mom is very convincing lady..she has convinced everyone that she dumped him but we have seen him there lately.  The judge said that the parents could take care of this together, that they didn't need a court to tell them how to be parents but when obviously they don't get along a judge and court system should intervene and make a written thing for them. the biomom uses the child as a pawn if her game..getting whatever she wants in her expense. What more can we tell the court and judge other than we know for a fact that she has has a sexual relationship with a 17 year old in her home and her next boyfriend was a sex offender. How bad does she have to be for a good family like ours to have her..Kind of sad altogether

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Call DSS. 


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Giving up rights to a child isn't going to encourage the child to want anything to do with the parent later. There's no way to explain that. As for the money childcare costs are certainly more than $400 a month so even if she makes the same as your husband she is giving up tons of that in childcare costs alone just to be able to work. That doesn't include food, utilities, housing costs, clothes and anything else the child may need. Stating that she spends the money on other things is ridiculous. It doesn't matter where she is spending her money as long as the child is taken care. Not likely to get much encouragement to neglect the child especially if there is possible danger.


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#54 of 55 Old 03-08-2011, 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Leenikol87 View Post

we have one and has had one since she was born.  We have told the right people about the sex offender and yet nothing has happened. Because the court won't physically go to the home and see the sex offender (registered in Kent County, he is a for sex offender) they won't take the baby away.   the Bio mom is very convincing lady..she has convinced everyone that she dumped him but we have seen him there lately.  The judge said that the parents could take care of this together, that they didn't need a court to tell them how to be parents but when obviously they don't get along a judge and court system should intervene and make a written thing for them. the biomom uses the child as a pawn if her game..getting whatever she wants in her expense. What more can we tell the court and judge other than we know for a fact that she has has a sexual relationship with a 17 year old in her home and her next boyfriend was a sex offender. How bad does she have to be for a good family like ours to have her..Kind of sad altogether


can you answer the question about visitation being 4 times a year for 3 hours? That is a pretty bizarre thing if it is actually true, as others have pointed out here.

 

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#55 of 55 Old 03-09-2011, 10:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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yes it's true..right now that is what the court ordered..four days a visitation , The first two days will always be one or two hours of supervised visits with the bio mom and my husband and the baby (i find that little weird bc she has made up lies bc there is no other person there) the next two days is four hours a day , the first hour is bio mom and dad and baby and then we take her for the rest of the three hours..

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