Newbie! Soon to be Step Mommy. - Mothering Forums
Blended and Step Family Parenting > Newbie! Soon to be Step Mommy.
jus4kix06's Avatar jus4kix06 06:49 AM 03-10-2011

My fiancee and I have are getting married in Sept. He and his ex share a 5 year old son together. The have joint custody split 50/50. Since he and I have been together she had been horrible! She calls me names, talks to her son about me and never seems to fail at starting some kind of verbal fight with my fiancee everytime she picks up or drops off their son. She just recently found out that we are getting married and things have escalated. She came to pick up her son from our home on Monday and end up leaving in cuffs after trying to attack me in my own home.

I fear for my soon to be SS. I hate that he has to go home to someone who gets so angry over situations that she has no control over. My fiancee and I want so badily to get custody of his son but the state we live in favors the mothers almost always.

I grew up with my parents divorced and always fighting and I dont think that any child should ever have to witness something like that. My SS father never initiates conversation with his ex, she always starts it. He usually trys to just nod and agree thinking that she will just give up but it only get worse.

I need some adivse on how to handle this situation. I hate watching my 5 year old step son see his mom act this way!! HELP!



Kwan*Yin's Avatar Kwan*Yin 07:22 AM 03-10-2011

Stricter boundaries need to be set. To be honest, I can totally get how the bio-mom feels and see why she is reacting this. No, It isn't ok but I get it. Having a new woman take on the role as other mommy is really hard to digest for some women. I have been in this position and it was so difficult to figure out how to deal with it all. I will say that although she may have a hard time with the two of you that it does not mean that she is this way in her home with the son. I have lost my temper with my ex and his now ex girlfriend but I never did that in my home with my kids (granted I never attacked her or did anything in front of the kids). With this huge transition, if she is a good mom besides this fact, I don't think it would be in the son's best interest to turn around and take away his mom so that the two of you could have custody. The son has to acclimate too. My suggestion would be to do pick up/drop off in a very public place possibly even the police station and restrict all phone/text communications to only being about the son or do email only.


jus4kix06's Avatar jus4kix06 07:37 AM 03-10-2011

My SS son come to our house repeats things that he says his momma says about me and or his father. In the past year she has started fights in front of her son at both her home and our home. She lives right by the police station. She has sent me text messages, verbally threaten to slash my tires, and make numerous phones that have no purpose. For example on Valentines Day this year she came to pick up her son from our home. She didn't say a word to my SS father. The minute she got into her car she started calling him. He did not answer (mainly because she does this often and has learned that answering will not resolve anything) He ingorned the call. She called 9 times within the night. Never once left a message of any importance or a tesct message stating the reason for her call or of any emergency. The following morning at 5:20a.m. she called three more times. Finally on the thrid call that morning my fiancee answered the phone. Come to find out the only reason for her call was to "remind" him to pay daycare that morning." Since I have been with him he has yet to miss a daycare payment.

I too would be uncomfortable with a new person being in my childs life. But she has had over a year to get adjusted to the situation. For the record I have never even spoken a work to her. I don't feel the need too. Not after the way she has talked about me and too me. I don't provoke her actions nor do I think that they are acceptable. She can be upset with the situation but its not okay to be upset in front of her son. I am not trying to replace her as a mother. She should be happy that I am good to her son and that he likes me too. I grew up with a handful of abusive step moms and I would never do anything to hurt her son!! I just hope that someday she can learn to be civil for the sake of her child.


Kwan*Yin's Avatar Kwan*Yin 08:35 AM 03-10-2011

I would suggest blocking her phone number then so she can't call or text you and only go through email. Typically there are clauses in custody agreements where the parents aren't allowed to discuss custody issues or the other parent in front of the child so if she is doing this then you can always bring it up in court. I also suggest family therapy so at the very least a family therapist can help the son through all of this. We can't control others behaviors or what they say but we can set up boundaries. You could get a civil harrassment restraining order if you want. Report all of her threatening messages. I can see where you believe she should be thankful that you are being good to him but you can't expect her to think that way. She is obviously in a great deal of pain and misery and she is feeling a loss of control. Keep being positive and good for the sake of the child. Set the strict boundaries and hopefully in the long run it will all smooth out.

 

For me my ex had an affair with another woman and then subsequently left me for her. She used to tell me all the time how I should be so thankful that she is so good to my kids. All I could think was how she stole my husband and my family. I'm not saying you did this but she is experiencing her own thing right now and just get those boundaries set. Blocking phone numbers is simple!


Kwan*Yin's Avatar Kwan*Yin 08:37 AM 03-10-2011

For the record, it took me 3 years to get over it. He and his ex are no longer but I got over it before then. There is no time limit for someone to get over or accept things.


jus4kix06's Avatar jus4kix06 10:17 AM 03-10-2011

We have tried to go thru e-mails. My fiancee never calls her and unless she speaks to him he doesn't speak to her. She thinks that he should take their son to all of his doctors appointments, so that she doesn't have to miss work. He has a full time job too and thinks they should be taking turns and splitting the responsibility. There court papers are a joke. When they initially went to court the they couldn't agree on anything. The mediator even was frustrated because she would not give an inch. If it wasn't her idea it wasnt getting agreed upon. So they only thing that got figured out was who gets him on and on which days and which time. They didn't specify who should pick up and drop off (which lately I have to admit has been better as far her picking him up on her time to have him, minus the scene she causes each time) They don't have holidays mapped out at all. This past year she keep my fiancees son from him on 3 seterate occasions. Of course the police department wont do anything about the situation they just say to call our lawyer. We have been trying to prevent a custody battle because we know that it will end up costing a fourtune due to the fact that she will not compromise. At first we were just going to try and get the custody arragment to be more detailed so there wasn't so much grey area, but after this past Monday and it being the second time she has tried to attack in front of her son, my fiancee feels it is the best time to go for full custody if not at least turn the tables and keep it 50/50 with him being the residence. My SS loves his mom, he never talks bad about her he just repeats the bad things that she says about other people. He is a daddys boy though a little gamer at that. He does hate leaving to go back to his mommas, not because he doesn't want to see his mom but mainly because he likes spending time with his dad. The custody battle is my fiancees idea, I told him that I would support him in whatever her does even if that means we have to put off our wedding to make it happen. We try our hardest to be the good example and the stable home for him, I just hope he picks up on the positvie and not so much of the negative as he gets older. I know that without actually being in the situation it is hard to picture the extreme behavior she inflicts but I do honestly think that later her son will resent her for her actions and I'd hate to see that happen. I hope she can learn to cope soon.


Attached2Elijah's Avatar Attached2Elijah 08:04 AM 03-30-2011
About 10 years ago, I was in your exact.same.situation. My husband's ex was bitter, she resented my coming into their lives as another mother figure, she was still hurting from the separation. She attacked me in our apartment and then tried to run me over with her car, simply because we requested to have the children for trick-or-treat every other year. She refused and it escalated. It was really ugly. She ended up getting a civil protection order against my husband (then fiance) saying he reached into HER car and tried to choke her. It ended up getting thrown out since I and two neighbors were outside and witnessed against her. It was truly an ugly situation.

My advice... Let DP do all of the communicating. Let DP do all the stressing. I know, that sounds hard but honestly, it's not your job. If she wants to be nasty, just don't give her the option. Let them exchange children outside while you are in the house. Trust that your DP is a good father and can handle her. The day I realized that I didn't need to be a part of all of that, a good 3000 pounds was lifted off my shoulders. I just handed it all to DH and let him handle it all. As time went on, she found a new husband and is much, MUCH easier to deal with. I do talk to her on the phone sometimes but for the most part, I still let DH deal with her. My job is simply to love my step-kids and be there for them. DH's job is to deal with her. I didn't marry her, I didn't have kids with her and I didn't chose to have her in my life.... so I don't. DH does great in dealing with her and only tells me what happened if I ask. I try not to. I just ask questions that have to do with the kids, not her.

When it comes to the kids talking about the things she says about us, I pretty much ignore it now. They have learned over the years that I'm just not interested in the things she says. Sure, she says things that make me mad but disputing it to the kids is pointless... they eventually see for themselves what's going on, trust me. As not only a step-parent but a step-child myself, kids DO see who's bad mouthing whom and will respect you in the long run for not being pulled in.

Anyway, it will get easier, I promise. When I was where you are, I almost left my husband because of the anger I felt towards his ex. I almost left because it was SOOOO much to deal with. Granted, we have some HUGE problems with the blended family aspect right now and ex still makes me INCREDIBLY angry sometimes but I have come to a place of zen when I'm dealing with things that come to her. I just always try to put what is best for my SKs first and foremost, it's habit now and after a good dose of angry, I move on and do what I need to do for them.

And one last thing, I will tell you that the turning point in all of this was when I had my own children. The second I got pregnant with my son, I realized that I needed to start looking out for MY new family and stop worrying about HER and letting her rule my life and how I react to her. You can't control other people, you can only control how you react to them.

Good Luck, I feel for you, I really do!
aricha's Avatar aricha 11:51 AM 03-30-2011

Quote:

Originally Posted by Attached2Elijah View Post

My advice... Let DP do all of the communicating. Let DP do all the stressing. I know, that sounds hard but honestly, it's not your job. If she wants to be nasty, just don't give her the option. Let them exchange children outside while you are in the house. Trust that your DP is a good father and can handle her. The day I realized that I didn't need to be a part of all of that, a good 3000 pounds was lifted off my shoulders. I just handed it all to DH and let him handle it all. As time went on, she found a new husband and is much, MUCH easier to deal with. I do talk to her on the phone sometimes but for the most part, I still let DH deal with her. My job is simply to love my step-kids and be there for them. DH's job is to deal with her. I didn't marry her, I didn't have kids with her and I didn't chose to have her in my life.... so I don't. DH does great in dealing with her and only tells me what happened if I ask. I try not to. I just ask questions that have to do with the kids, not her.
 


This is good advice, and what worked for us as well. And it definitely took longer than a year in our situation as well.


Smithie's Avatar Smithie 07:29 AM 04-06-2011

"She thinks that he should take their son to all of his doctors appointments, so that she doesn't have to miss work."

 

Dude, some custodial parents go to great lengths to keep the NCP from being involved in any medical, school, social aspects of their child's life. Your SO should thank his lucky stars and take the time off for doctor's appointments! Once you are married, hopefully the pattern will continue and YOU will have the pleasure of going to his school stuff, taking him to karate lessons, etc. 

 

If your SO decides to go back to court, it's good that he has your support. But as others have said, that's really his issue. Your job is to protect yourself and your future kids by drawing some lines NOW - first being, the ex doesn't come into your home. Have your SO walk him out to the car, while you wait inside behind a locked door. Avoiding another brawl in front of your stepson is really important. Calling the cops every time there's an attack is also important, and it sounds like you're doing that. 

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with such a high level of craziness here. I'm trying to imagine attacking someone in front of my kids, and my imagination is failing me...


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