Does DSDs Mom have the right to demand entrance into my home? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 19 Old 03-31-2011, 01:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My DH is going through a court battle right now, it's very messy. During the last visit, DSDs mom demanded to come into our home and look around. We didn't because I was not ok with this but I was wondering if she has the right to since this is where they live.

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#2 of 19 Old 03-31-2011, 01:35 PM
 
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Nope. None. If she even tries, she's trespassing. The ONLY people that have the right to come into your home without your say so must be law enforcement with a search warrant. Anyone else, you have the right to tell them no. smile.gif

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#3 of 19 Old 03-31-2011, 02:28 PM
 
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My goodness! I'm so sorry you have to go through this. 


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#4 of 19 Old 03-31-2011, 06:53 PM
 
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No, you do not have to allow this. I have never been in my ex's home, and vice-versa. The one time I was invited in (by a babysitter, while my daughter ran in to get something), I declined and stayed on the stoop.

 

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#5 of 19 Old 04-01-2011, 05:32 PM
 
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Nope, she has no right to demand it!  I've been in my ex's home and he's been in mine but it has been at each other's invitation not because one or the other demanded it.  As a side note, I think it CAN look bad like perhaps you're hiding something BUT I don't think it does automatically, kwim?


 

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#6 of 19 Old 04-01-2011, 07:44 PM
 
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I don't think it makes you look like you're hiding anything.  If there's a known history of animosity (I'm assuming there is, since you described the court battle as messy), it is completely understandable that neither party would feel comfortable with the other coming into their home and would assume the other party's interest in doing so is to try to find dirt to use against that person, in court. 

 

My ex and I are very comfortable in each other's homes - and I think it's nicer for our kids that we are friendly toward each other that way - but we're not fighting over anything in court.  Whereas, DH and I cannot conceive of letting his ex inside our house.  It is sad, but she has an extensive history of grossly distorting things to vilify DH and, now that he has custody, she has every motivation in the world to outdo herself.  In our situation, as in yours, if the ex reports false things about your home, they're easily disputed if she's never been inside; whereas it's a he said/she said, if you've let her cross your threshold.  Anyone you may deal with in court proceedings will almost surely understand that.

 

In fact, rather than your refusal making you look suspicious, I think her demand to inspect your home while engaged in a difficult court battle with your DH would make her look suspicious, if she complained about it in court. 


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#7 of 19 Old 04-01-2011, 08:55 PM
 
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You do not need to let her in! I think the fact that she is asking to come in to "look around" is shady. If it were an organic, casual thing when everything is good between your DH and her, that is one thing, but this sounds like she is looking for dirt.

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#8 of 19 Old 04-02-2011, 08:36 AM
 
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Very good point mama!  I didn't think about the fact of the history of animosity.  :)
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post

I don't think it makes you look like you're hiding anything.  If there's a known history of animosity (I'm assuming there is, since you described the court battle as messy), it is completely understandable that neither party would feel comfortable with the other coming into their home and would assume the other party's interest in doing so is to try to find dirt to use against that person, in court. 

 

My ex and I are very comfortable in each other's homes - and I think it's nicer for our kids that we are friendly toward each other that way - but we're not fighting over anything in court.  Whereas, DH and I cannot conceive of letting his ex inside our house.  It is sad, but she has an extensive history of grossly distorting things to vilify DH and, now that he has custody, she has every motivation in the world to outdo herself.  In our situation, as in yours, if the ex reports false things about your home, they're easily disputed if she's never been inside; whereas it's a he said/she said, if you've let her cross your threshold.  Anyone you may deal with in court proceedings will almost surely understand that.

 

In fact, rather than your refusal making you look suspicious, I think her demand to inspect your home while engaged in a difficult court battle with your DH would make her look suspicious, if she complained about it in court. 



 

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#9 of 19 Old 04-04-2011, 01:55 PM
 
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(this is not legal advice)

 

No, nobody has the right to come into your house except the people who live there, people you or your husband invite in, and people who bring a search warrant or court order. And I've never seen a court order in a divorce/custody case require one party to let the other party in to inspect. If she has a problem with your house or something she believes is affecting her daughter in your house, she needs to go to court and convince the judge to order an intermediary such as a GAL or social worker to do a home visit.

 

Standard language here usually restricts the parties from entering the other party's property, except only as necessary to facilitate exchange of the kids (which, depending on the ages of the kids and their psychological needs, usually means something between pulling into the driveway and dropping them off, and physically walking them to the door), or upon invitation.

 

 


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#10 of 19 Old 04-05-2011, 04:46 PM
 
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we are also in a messy court battle right now where my dh's ex is trying her hardest to have entrance into our home. i said OVER MY DEAD BODY. that is simply not happening. perhaps if we had a better history and less annimosity then i would be fine with it, but under these circumstances not in a million years. the court would never ever order it, they might order a social worker to check out both homes, but never order one or the other divorced parties to be allowed into the others home. it is just not done. nor do i have any desire to be in her home at all.

we took pictures because dh's lawyer asked us to, but i have no intention of allowing them to be used either. and if so, then only the pics of the childrens room and their play room and that is it. no spaces where i live or enjoy my life are going to be included. i wont have it. i did not marry her, i did not procreate with her and i will not ever have her in my personal space, even through photos.

 

i feel for you having to worry about these things, and to feel so invaded or potentially invaded, right in the haven of your home. :hug:

 

it wont happen,

 

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#11 of 19 Old 04-05-2011, 08:01 PM
 
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We don't even have a particularly awful relationship (most of the time) with my husband's ex. But she has never been invited into any of my houses. As a step-mom there are SO FEW things in my life that are just mine, that she has no influence or control over. My house is my one haven from her, the one thing that is just mine that she doesn't get to judge or inspect or influence. Honestly, keeping my home private from her is not about HER at all, it's about ME and what I need. 


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#12 of 19 Old 04-06-2011, 09:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone! Very happy to know!

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#13 of 19 Old 04-08-2011, 08:57 AM
 
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This is an interesting thread.  I was a Stepmom... and we always extended the offer to DSD's Mom to come in and see where her DD slept and what not, because I really felt it may make her feel more comfortable to know her DD was well taken care of and a had a nice space of her own when she was with us.

 

As a Mom... I most certainly like to be able to see where my kids stay as well, and I think it's a nice thing to do to allow the Mom to see where her kids are spending time so she feels more comfortable.  I wouldn't take it as an inspection/intrusion... unless she was acting that way.

 

I have let my ex into my home and toured him so he could see where the kids room was and what it looked like... and I plan on offering him the same when I move to my new home.  I do hope once he has a place of his own that he offers the same invitation to me.

 

Maybe it depends on the kids age or something too though.  *shrugs*  I'm definitely nervous about kid safety and my ex can be very non-observant when it comes to potential risk factors. 

 

Personally, like I said... I'd always let DSD's Mom come in and check things out if she wanted to.  Yeah, it was my space... but I could also sympathize that she wanted to know where her DD was.

 

Just my 2 cents from the perspective of someone who has worn both mom and stepmom hats.  Not everything is worth a fight.


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#14 of 19 Old 04-08-2011, 09:15 AM
 
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Quote:
Just my 2 cents from the perspective of someone who has worn both mom and stepmom hats.  Not everything is worth a fight.

 

You're totally right.  But I'm thinking that the OP didn't start this fight.  Also, I imagine you were not in the middle of a messy, painful court battle when you invited the ex in to look around?  Your dh's ex wasn't looking for stuff to take to her lawyer, only to be twisted and used against your dh and you?

 

Perhaps sometime in the future, after the OP's dh and ex have hammered out some sort of legal agreement, the ex can be invited in to check out where her daughter is living. It's really sad that it has to be this way but the OP has to protect herself.


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#15 of 19 Old 04-08-2011, 12:10 PM
 
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Actually I'm still in a court battle with my ex-H (he still hasn't signed papers and likes to hold custody things over my head... currently in two court battles actually, still getting custody/divorce settled with him and now his mom and stepdad are suing me for grandparent visitation).  And that is another reason I have him in my home.  I don't worry about him twisting things that aren't there to twist.  I think it looks better to be up front and honest, and he can see the place is well kept. 

 

So yeah... I have my share of "fun" court things.  ;-)

 

Life is just too short.  *shrugs*


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#16 of 19 Old 04-09-2011, 06:43 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post

And that is another reason I have him in my home.  I don't worry about him twisting things that aren't there to twist.  I think it looks better to be up front and honest, and he can see the place is well kept. 

 


Absolutely: If you know you can trust him not to invent things; then the more up-front you can be, the less there is to fight about!  Good for you, for not being spiteful toward him, just for the sake of being spiteful.

 

But when people are dealing with the type of ex who, for example, says, "Johnny told me you're taking him camping this weekend.  Since he's so excited about it and it's your last weekend together this summer, why don't you guys camp an extra night and you can bring him home Monday?"...but then the ex calls the cops Sunday night to report parental kidnapping; or who tells the custodial evaluator that the child-size Swiss Army knife you gave your son (with scissors, a nail file and a blade as sharp as a butter knife) was "a switchblade that I had to immediately confiscate, for our child's safety"...  then you're better off always sticking to the letter of every order and not giving your ex any more information than necessary, since there IS an established intent to twist things.

 


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#17 of 19 Old 04-09-2011, 08:28 AM
 
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I wish I could get into my ex's place but it isn't legal or possible. The only way that I will be able to prove that he is providing an unsafe environment is by contacting CPS to do welfare checks. The courts won't allow my children's testimony of what he is providing during visitation so I have to go to the next level. I'm scared for my children's safety and well being and will do what is necessary to protect them further. Does the ex have a reason for wanting to see your place? Is the child complaining to her? Other then the typical nasty court battle is there something else that is prompting the mom to want to see the house?

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#18 of 19 Old 04-09-2011, 10:01 PM
 
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Sorry but i have to put my two cents in here, I dont know the lingo about the dsd, op and all that other stuff but I dont allow my old man's ex in my home or near my home for that matter. This woman has a history of odd behavior and lieing and violence and she hates me so do I want her in my home heck no! Not only is it my safe harbor but its the one place where I can just be me with the kids playing and having fun. She is not welcome here just like i am not welcome there its a mutual understanding and thats that.

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#19 of 19 Old 04-11-2011, 11:33 AM
 
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Quote:
I dont know the lingo about the dsd, op and all that other stuff

 

DSD - dear step daughter

 

OP - original post, original poster. Depending on context, it refers back to post #1 where the original issue was raised, or it refers to the person who posted it.


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