How do I "remold" what has already been "molded"? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 30 Old 09-13-2011, 08:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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  Hi, my name is Marie. I am 38 yo. I have recently married the man I had always dreamed about & with him I also gain his two beautifull children, 8yo girl & 6yo boy. Yes, I am a stepmom! I havent had any children of my own (but we are now tryng) so this whole "mom thing" is very new to me. I have always wanted children & with this marraige one of my dreams has come true, except that I really want to experience the pregnany thing myself...

I  guess a rundown of my situation would be good right about now so, here goes...

 

 My husband & his ex split back in 2006. The kids were about 2yo & 16mths. My husband had custody of the kids but the bio-mom had visitation till the end of 06 when she gave up all rights to them. The kids know who she is by what we have told them, but they have not physically seen her since she gave them up, so they really don't remember her. My 8yo has a few memories of her, but they are not good ones. The kids dad worked mostly out of town jobs (plant work) so the kids went to stay with their grandma & her boyfriend till my husband could get enough money saved so he could get a place and a stable "in town" job. This took about 2yrs. So basically the grandma & boyfriend raised them during that time. (Note: daddy came home during holidays & birthdays to see his kids & also kept in touch with them via webcam). When he would come home to see them, he noticed that his kids were were doing some things that he didnt approve of but being that he was only down for a short time, couldn't really do much about it. Examples like the kids were calling their grandma "mommy" & the boyfriend "daddy" and it was not explained to them the difference in being grandma and boyfriend but instead encouraged them to call them "mommy & Daddy". BYW- the kids knew who their daddy is & why he wasn't there, but none the less they were not corrected in the name calling. Also they didn't have the best of manners, & threw massive tempertantrums till they got what they wanted and were not being disiplined for this kind of behavior. I could go on about their behavior, but I wont just yet...he said it was really bad & he was very dissapointed in what he was seeing & how they were being taught knowing that back when he was a kid this behavior was NOT tollerated in the least!!! But what could he do? He then decided that he was going to come back & set up home as quickly as possible...and he did. He got an apartment & was able to get his kids back with him...as they spent more time together the kids behavior was getting better too, but the money was not good & he soon was having trouble doing this all on his own & ended up having to leave town again, so of course the kids went back to their grandmas. The same things were happening & all the work he had done to correct these problems was wasted...

My husband & I got together in the spring of 2010. We moved in together by summer and we started working on getting the house set up for the kids to live with us (furniture, toys, ect...). Their grandma was reluctant to give the kids back to their dad and was doing anything & everything to not let them go...(when were were dating, she bluntly told me one day, out of the blue, that she didn't care if it was 5 yrs or 10 yrs from now, those kids would never leave her home) We (grandma & me) tied up several times over little things like who's responsibilty it was to get the kids haircuts, or what kind of shampoo I was using, or the fact that once again we were informing them that she was not their "mommy" but their "grandma". She was steadly going behind us & telling the kids that they didn't have to listen to me or mind me because I was not their "mom". She had even gone as far as telling them that even if their daddy married me, I would still not be their mom because she was their "mom". I explained to the kids that if she was really their "mom" then their dad would be their brother...WOW!!! did I catch it from her on that one!!!!  Finally by the end of 2010 my husband stood up to her & took the kids back! Ever since then it has been a battle with her...She refuses to talk to us in any way & relays messages through her boyfriend. We still let the kids go visit her, because we don't want them to think that we are mean & won't let them see their grandma, but we are still having to fight over the behavior issues.

I am doing the best I can, I think, with raising them, but sometimes it is hard when there is someone ALWAYS trying to undo what you are doing...How can I remold them? How do I get them to understand that their Grandma is telling them untruths & misinforming them out of spite for me & their dad? How can I remold what she has already molded?

Somebody please help...I get so frustrated!!! Thanks, sorry this was so long...Marie  

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#2 of 30 Old 09-13-2011, 09:14 AM
 
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Wow. Congrats on your marriage!

IMO, Grandma sounds crazy. These kids need some stability and structure in their lives that doesnt include adults arguing. I think its really important for you to be there for them, and try to show them that you love them as much as possible but not chastise their grandma (even though she is crazy).

My rule would be this: If grandma refuses to talk to me and DH, grandma does not get the kids. Period. I would never allow my kids to go visit someone who refuses to talk to me. There would be an obvious lack of communication going on that I dont think is very safe for sake of their health and mental well being. These kids arent grandmas, they are your DH's. She helped raise them for a while, and for that everyone is grateful, but now DH is married and the kids live with him and his new wife. Grandma can hang out with the kid on the weekend if she can act like a grown up and maintain adult relationships. I dont want my children being watched by a woman who wont even talk to her own son.

I dont think this is an issue of "remolding" the kids. (you might want to find a better word to use if you say that out loud. Maybe "build a healthy relationship". I know grandma has made mistakes, but she did raise them for awhile, and she is having a hard time transitioning from Mom to just Grandma. I would make that transition easier for her by taking away all responsibilities and assuring her that she gets to be the fun, easygoing, grandparent she never got to be. She doesnt need to worry about shampoo or haircuts or anything like that. She needs to worry about the zoo, cupcakes, and playgrounds. Set the boundaries of how often she sees the kids and what they do together (ie, dont allow them to have responsibility over the kids. Send all the clothing they would need, make sure their shampoo is in the bag, homework is done, ect). Try to view it like any other parent. It is commonly known amongst parents that kids are not at their best when coming home from Grandma's house. They've had too many cookies and havent been told no at all. My kid is always more difficult to deal with after a day with her Granny. Thats why we never do it more than once a week.

Set boundaries. Remember that you arent "mommy" just yet, even though you want to be. Try to get Grandma involved in more grandmotherly ways. Make sure to refer to DH for everything, its his mom and you are a newbie.

Good luck with TTC and welcome to MDC!

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#3 of 30 Old 09-13-2011, 11:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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 Stability & structure... that is something my husband & I have definately been providing...now that their dad & me are together, we both feel that this is most stability & structure they have ever had...they see there dad everyday before & after school, we all sit down together at dinnertime, & we are always talking to the kids about their day good, bad, or otherwise...we always make sure they are a part of our love together & they know they have our support on anything & everything and that we are there as a family...

The kids have been calling me "mommy" for a while now, and I think that is what started this whiole thing with their grandma... I don't chastise her, I have tried to talk to her several times & get her on the same page in understanding that I love & want whats best for the kids...but it seem like anything that we as the parents decide she tries to do her best at going against it...I mean with everything!!! I have tried letting her know and feel comforable witht he fact that I am their "step mom" now and that she should enjoy being a grandma. I have told her myself that I appreciate everything she has done for these kids (without any negativity) but she refuses to except it...

My husband & I (during the summer) did put a little more restraint on their visits, and she does not have any authority what so ever in decisions concerning the kids other than when they are there for visits. Because they stayed with her, they both have bedrooms, clothes, & toys over there...she would not give us any of it even though my husband paid for all of it...My husband decided it would be better to just leave it there for them for their visits, so when they go there, we do not provide anything for them. I sent shampoo there once and that is when I caught crap about the shampoo I was letting them use (BTW- it was suave) She threw it away, & wouldn't let them use it...it was the same way when I sent toothbrushes (she already has them, so they weren't allowed to use the ones I sent, only the ones she already had there) Between school and extra activities, they don't get to go over there that much anymore, but when they do...we have issues!

As far as not letting them go because she does not talk to us, she does relay messages through her boyfriend. I have stopped trying to talk to her, because we always end up in an argument & I don't want the kids to be around that kind of negativity. I just figure that I would let her act the way she does and sooner or later as the kids get older, they will she who is the bad example for themselves.

I understand that she is struggling with the whole letting go thing, but it still does not make it right that she lies to the kids by telling them she is  still their mom instead of explaining to them that she played the role of mom by doing motherly things like raising, & caring for them but is actuall their grandma. They had been really confused with that not understanding what a grandma is or what she does or doesn do & why.

The main struggles I am having is the discipline issues...If we tell them "no" it means "no" and they don't need to reply "well, I'll just ask grandma for it & she'll give/get it for me "! She has taught them so much that we do not agree with. Major things that we believe in like GOD, standards, value, integrity, honesty, & self control just to name a few. She has been told that she needs to get on the same page or she wouldn't see them, the problems with that is that we don't want to be the bad guys and not let the kids see her since they are used to seeing her. They are going through a big enough transistion as it is new rules, new house, new school, ect without adding a hatred towards us for not letting them see her.

BTW- I AM "mommy" and have been for awhile...they understand that, and they love me...they just aren't used to the discipline & rules that have been set for them since they are being told by her that they don't have to follow them or listen to me...that's the remolding I am trying to overcome... Thanks for your reply...    

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#4 of 30 Old 09-13-2011, 12:31 PM
 
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 - I AM "mommy" and have been for awhile...they understand that, and they love me...they just aren't used to the discipline & rules that have been set for them since they are being told by her that they don't have to follow them or listen to me...that's the remolding I am trying to overcome... Thanks for your reply...    


Sorry, I didnt realize that they were calling you mommy already. I was just trying to say that if they are calling grandma "mommy" then it may take awhile for them to get over that and start looking to you as mommy.

If this is just a grandma isnt following the way you and DH are choosing to parent, I wouldnt let them go over there. And relaying messages through her boyfriend isnt communicating with you. Its not the same. What if something happened while they were visiting, like DS fell and hit his head and had to be rushed to the hospital? What a hell that would be in the waiting room, right? Adults who cant communicate should not watch other people's children unless they have some "right" to do so. If this was these children's mother, I could understand. But its not. Its their grandmother. If she cant learn to behave like a grownup and help you raise the children the way you and DH have decided to raise them, then she them at family get togethers. Otherwise, I wouldnt let them go over. Talk to your DH about the fact that he is allowing her to parent over you, because that is what is happening. If you say no, and grandma lets them buy it/eat it/ have it/ play it/ watch it ect, she is completely disrespecting your wishes and parenting right over you.

I had a grandma that raised me for three years, and she learned very quickly that she and I would always have a special relationship, but that if she wanted to keep that relationship she had to comply with my parents wishes. I know you said you are limiting the visits. How often are they over there now? I feel like the kids will never start to understand that grandma isnt going to let them have and do whatever they want until grandma stops. I dont think there is going to be a way to fix it through the kids, it is going to have to be the adults coming to some agreement.

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#5 of 30 Old 09-13-2011, 12:33 PM
 
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Toothbrushes should be thrown away after three months. Are they still left over from when the kids lived with her. If so, that is really gross.

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#6 of 30 Old 09-14-2011, 04:22 PM
 
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Hello and welcome to mothering!

 

I'm having trouble reading your post --- it would help if you divided it into paragraphs. 

 

From the parts I did read, I would not let the kids see her at all for awhile. I believe it is kinder to the kids. She is messing with their heads and they need stability and love. I think in such situations one can chose to do what is BEST for the child rather than what the child would PREFER. They prefer to see grandma, but the whole lying about who is mom, telling them they don't have to have to follow the rules in their dad and step moms home, etc isn't BEST for them.

 

I'm sure it's difficult to figure out how to add structure and routine with kids these ages who've never had any. As you have things come up, be sure on post on the parenting board, children board, gentle discipline board etc. My basic parenting advice is to write simple routines for the children and hang them up where they can see them. My all time favorite parenting book is "liberated parents, liberated children" http://www.amazon.com/Liberated-Parents-Children-Happier-Family/dp/0380711346
 

good luck!


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#7 of 30 Old 09-14-2011, 07:14 PM
 
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What Linda said. You and your DH are grateful to his mother for the work she did with kids, and you are deeply reluctant to hurt her relationship with the kids, and that's commendable. But the way she is behaving right now is messing with their heads, and your first responsibility is to keep their heads from bring messed with. Cut off this connection.
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#8 of 30 Old 09-15-2011, 06:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies! This is really helping!

 

Since school has started the kids schedule has been pretty full, and we also signed them up for scouts so that has really filled up what little time they had left and doent leave much time for visits. I was thinking that it would be better to fill their schedule with activities which would take their minds off wanting to go over there so much, rather than just cutting them off, so to speak. The way it was being worked before is the Gramdmas boyfriend works 4 on & 4 off so his off days are always changing, but when he was off on the weekends, that is when they would go over there. Also, I might mention that the boyfriend is very conciderate of how we feel, the rules we have made, ect. & agrees that the grandma is not acting right. He says that he has tried to talk to her, but it ends up in an arguement. He always keeps in touch and lets us know his schedule and what he wiould like to do with the kids if we would let him take them. It's her that is the problem, but like I said I think we are starting to overcome it. I guess you could say that I am trying to "ween" them away. They have had enough brain manipulations from her and I don't want to mess them up anymore than they already are... We did let them go over there this past weekend and both came home saying they missed being at home & with us...they have not been asking (like they usually do) each week about when they are going back over there...

 

I know that at this age they already have their personalities set, & ways of thinking, and some of that thinking is due to what they had been taught before I came along. I am a very strict person & was taught ( by a navy seal officer) about self control, & dicipline, so I imagine that my ways are very tough and demanding of them. I know that she never spanked them or  took measures of that sort, it was just "time out" for 10mins. Also there is a favoritism that is being played between the kids (my son being her favorite) and that makes it hard to. When I dicsipline my daughter, she ALWAYS asks if I still love her...I wasn't sure how to react to this the first time, but I did sit down with her & explained that I DO love her & that is why I discipline...it has been over a year now & she still asks that...She is very timid when it comes to things like that. I think she was "brow beaten"...but I don't know that for sure...I mean this is with anything...if she makes a bad grade in school and I sit her down & talk to her about it, she asks if I still love her, if I get frustrated with something she is doing or the way she is acting, or even little things like teaching her to sit with her legs closed, she asks...My son on the other hand, just doesnt seem to care...he gets his feelings hurt if I get onto him, but gets over it quickly. 

 

I have been teaching them responsibility for there things like picking up there toys, cleaning their room, putting dirty clothes in the laundry...(she picks up after them to this day instead of making them clean up their own messes) so I am often compared to that. They ask me why I don't clean up after them like she does or they say "she doesnt make us do that" I have explained to both of them SEVERAL times that this is our house & we have different rules here, just like school has different rules but they just don't seem to get it. Is this just an phase thing? They get mad at me when I tell them that they have to do there homework or clean their room before they can go outside to play. They do not understand why that is a rule, when they have never had to do that before they came to live with us. 

 

I know that building structure can be difficult and I am trying to seek out ways to make it easier...I want the best for these kids & I want them to grow up knowing that their dad & I love them more than anything & we are trying to build goodness in them so they will be liked and people will want to be around them. I know that they are coming from a very nonstructured enviroment, but trying to change their ways & teach them right from wrong and how to treat others is very frustrating when you are always being compared to someone else...

 

I have told them before that if this is the way they are going to act when they come back from being over there that they would not be going over there anymore, but then I felt bad for saying that, (bacause I thought I was being spitefull) because I don't think it is their fault that they act up if there is no discipline or structure being taught. I don't even know if she realizes that she is not getting back at me but she is messing with their minds...on the other hand, she went to college for "child phycology" so maybe she does know what she is doing & just doesnt care...I don't want to be the bad guy, but somehow that is how it seems to work out...I figure that if she doesn't want to talk with us, then fine, but she should be grown up enough to understand that it is not good for the kids to see her acting this way or treating my husband & I like this. It's kind of like when two people get divorced and the custody is split. The mom says bad things to the kids about their dad or visa versa...We do not say bad things to the kids about their grandma, but she has no problems saying things to or in front of them. They have so many questions about adult problems that at their age they don't need to be worrying about. I don't know how to stop the worrying...sometimes I just don't know what to say or do or how to act when these things arise...all of this is still new to me, but I am leaning more everyday...

 

I have thought often about seeking counciling for the way I feel or how they make me feel...sometimes I feel like I am being to hard on them or asking to much of them at this age...sometime I wonder what I was thinking when I took on this challenge, even though I knew it would be a challenge to begin with...I love these kids & I love their dad more than anything & I would do anything for them, but sometimes I just want to give up...

 

P.S. For the one who asked about the toothbrushes...I don't know if they are old ones or if she is changing them out. I don't know that she would tell me either way being that she wont speak to me...I know we change our out here at home, but your right, if she doesnt, that is gross...lol

 

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#9 of 30 Old 09-15-2011, 06:57 AM
 
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Thanks for all the replies! This is really helping!

 

. I know that she never spanked them or  took measures of that sort, it was just "time out" for 10mins. Also there is a favoritism that is being played between the kids (my son being her favorite) and that makes it hard to. When I dicsipline my daughter, she ALWAYS asks if I still love her...I wasn't sure how to react to this the first time,


even little things like teaching her to sit with her legs closed,

 


Why does she need to sit with her legs closed? Do you require the same behavior of DSS?


Im confused what you mean when you refer to you "disciplining" them. You say that grandma didnt spank, she only did time outs. Are you spanking to ensure that they are getting the message that you are not grandma and things are different at your house?

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#10 of 30 Old 09-15-2011, 08:42 AM
 
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Quote:

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I want them to grow up knowing that their dad & I love them more than anything & we are trying to build goodness in them so they will be liked and people will want to be around them.

 



They already have goodness in them. They came to planet earth with the goodness built right in. love.gif

 

Some people will like them, and some people won't. No one will like them based on the fact that they put their laundry in the hamper. (I'm all for laundry going into hampers, but what you hope to achieve through it isn't linked)

 

Forcing little girls to keep their legs crossed grosses me out, and I'm not sure its good for circulation. I let my kids PLAY after school, and homework is after dinner.

 

Right now, your belief that they will be more likeable if the follow all the rules is part of the reason they are insecure. You are teaching them that people, including you, will only want to be around them if they are perfect.  You are teaching them that approval is based on actions. You could pivot to unconditional love, and unconditional LIKE. I believe it would be more emotionally healthy.

 

Peace


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#11 of 30 Old 09-15-2011, 09:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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 I am trying to teach her to be a lady...like when she has a dress on...she needs to keep her legs closed so that everyone isnt seeing her panties!!!!! No offense, but DUH!!!!!!

 

As far as me spanking them, it's called DISCIPLINE... When they do something wrong, are not behaving properly, back talking, lying, ect. they need to be DISCIPLINED so they learn right from wrong... Yes, I spank them, but it is not to ensure that they getting a message that I am not their Grandma and the rules are different. It is to get the message across that certain behaviors and or actions will not be tolerated, period!!! When I was growing up, if I did something wrong, I got spanked...eventually I learned what "wrong" was and not to do it because the consequenses were not in my favor...when I did something right, I got praise and I do the same with my kids...BTW- after spanking, I always go back and talk to them to make sure they understand why they got spanked & reassure them that I do love them, & that is why there is discipline...

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#12 of 30 Old 09-15-2011, 09:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I understand that they already have "goodness" in them, I'm not stupid! I understand that people liking them is not based on where they put their laundry, but if they go to someones house and act like t-total brats and have no respect or self control, chances are they wont be invited back again...I am hoping to acheive them learning responsibilty for themselves, their things and their actions.

 

I don't understand why crossing your legs would gross you out, that's just odd to me...do you sit legs gapped open when you wear a dress???????

 

My belief about following the rules has nothing to do with their insecurities...I want them to have some self respect and to be respected by others. That is why it is important that they follow rules...that is probably one of the main reasons society is the way it is today, because SOME people think they don't have to follow the rules...

 

rules are set for a reason...to be followed

behavior is taught for a reason...so you know how to act or not act...

 

People as well as kids need to have some dignity about themselves or people in general wont want them to be around!!!! if you are polite, respectfull, mannerly ect, people WILL see you differently and will like you more than if you are acting like some heathen off the street!!!!!

 

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#13 of 30 Old 09-15-2011, 10:44 AM
 
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Quote:
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 I am trying to teach her to be a lady...like when she has a dress on...she needs to keep her legs closed so that everyone isnt seeing her panties!!!!! No offense, but DUH!!!!!!

 

As far as me spanking them, it's called DISCIPLINE... When they do something wrong, are not behaving properly, back talking, lying, ect. they need to be DISCIPLINED so they learn right from wrong.


 

First, saying "duh" is rude. It's a put down. It isn't appropriate on this board or else where.

 

Either put your step daughter in clothes she can play and relax in, or have her wear shorts under her dresses if she chooses to wear dresses. Focusing on her panties and telling her to cross her legs isn't a way to raise a strong, self confident woman.

 

There are lots and lots of ways to discipline a child without hitting them. I agree that children sometimes need discipline, but I believe that NO child should ever be hit. Hitting people is wrong. If you hit a child, you teach them that hurting others is OK if they are smaller than you.You teach them to fear you. You teach them that you can do whatever you want to them, even cause them pain.

 

Please visit the gentle discipline board and start asking questions. There are so, so many other tools you can use to help children learn how to behave. There is no reason to ever, ever intentionally hurt a child in your care in hopes that will make them a better person.

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#14 of 30 Old 09-15-2011, 12:51 PM
 
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Dont hit children, especially those that arent really yours. You have bardged (seriously, youve only been around for a year and a half and you are already hitting them) into their lives, ripped them away from their grandmother (who, may not be perfect, but at least isnt spanking them and is allowing them to be children). You have no children of your own, and IMO you have no business hitting anyone else's children. Sorry. Thats just my opinion. You may get a better response on a message board that advocates hitting children, but this isnt one of them.


Discipline does not equal hitting.
Little girls being forced to sit with their legs crossed is gross. "being a lady", imo is pretty much equal to "not doing crap with your life and learning your place. Right behind a man who will take good care of you.
You are not their mother, you are a woman who married their dad and then started hitting them.
Their grandmother is probably right to be telling them that they shouldnt listen to you.
I hope their dad realizes that his children are afraid that someone wont love them because their stepmother tells them that no one will like them if their behavior isnt perfect.
If I died and DH married someone who hit my kids, I hope to god my MIL would tell them that you arent really their mother and they dont have to listen to you.
It sounds to me like you are angry that you arent in complete control of everything these children do, so you hit them to "teach them a lesson"


Also, every abuser I have ever known (including my parents and my ex boyfriend) have always come back to reassure me that they love me afterwards. Dont toot your horn for that, its disgusting. Your attitude shows me that you are not seeking a way to change your discipline methods, so I doubt you will visit the gentle discipline forum, but I hope you get the help you need to stop hitting these children.
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#15 of 30 Old 09-15-2011, 11:52 PM
 
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I think you should go ahead and send the children back to live with their grandma full time.  Back to the woman who has raised them and who does not hit them.

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#16 of 30 Old 09-16-2011, 01:49 AM
 
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Wannabamommy, you might want to come on over to one of cafemom's blended family or moms who believe in traditional discipline forums ,cause the minute you said you spank that pretty much put an end to any useful advice you were going to get on mothering.

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Also i would talk to your husband about cutting all contact with grandma for the next 6-9 mths.The kids need to understand that you and Dad are the bosses and you can't be overruled,and if grandma wants to see them she needs to work on her relationship with you not be poisoning their minds against their parents.I understand that you both arreciate the care she gave to them but appreciation has got to end somewhere and for your sake it needs to end before you have 2 uncontrollable teenager on you hands.

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never mind


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#19 of 30 Old 09-16-2011, 12:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, I have never really liked this whole "forum thing" & with reading most of your responses, I remember why... I guess you can call me old school, but I believe in hard discipline. I am a good person & have MANY TRUE friends & am liked by just about everyone, so the discipline I received as a kid must have done something good and that is the same kind of discipline I am going to use for my kids, I don't understand where you people get off telling me that I am a bad parent. I have been told by MANY people (everyday & professional) that they commend me for taking on such a responsibility of two children who weren't mine. They had not been taught about values (thanks to grandma) they had not been taught manners ( thanks to grandma) they had not been taught respect for themselves, others or property(thanks to grandma) nor had they been taught in scholastic (thanks to grandma) I HAVE DONE ALL THAT!!!!! SINCE THEY HAVE BEEN WITH ME THEY HAVE STABILITY, THEY HAVE DIGNITY, THEY HAVE RESPECT FOR THEMSELVES, OTHERS, & PROPERTY, THEY HAVE MANNERS, AND THEY HAVE POISE, NOT TO MENTION THAT THERE GRADES HAVE SKYROCKETED AND HAVE GONE FROM FAILING KINDERGARTEN & 2ND GRADE TO A'S & B'S IN ALL THEIR CLASSES AND ARE NOW IN 1ST & 3RD GRADE!!!!! Yes, I have a few issues with discipline, & yes I have a few issues with a little bit of insecurity, but those issues were there way before I came along and I thought that maybe I could post on here to get a little bit of advice and maybe some words of comfort, but instead all have gotten from you people is criticism and judgment!!!! I guess you all think you are perfect and can do no wrong...this sounds more like a forum for a bunch of wanna be psychologists that couldn't get into to school to get the degree...You all make it sound as if I am punching my kids in the face or something & that's a bunch of crap. A spanking on the bottom isn't going to kill them, yeah it might hurt for a few minutes, but so does stubbing your toe!!! THEY WILL GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!! when you stub your toe, you learn to be more careful or to watch where your going...it's the same with a spanking...not a beating, not a abusive punching or kicking... Maybe if some of you were spanked and learned what true discipline is, you wouldn't go around hollering abuse!!!!  I have tried the time out thing, I have tried taking away privileges, I have grounded, and tried many other techniques...SPANKING WORKS WITH THESE CHILDREN!!!!! When they get hurt, they don't cry for their dad, they don't cry for their grandma, THEY CRY FOR ME!!!!!!! Because they know that I love them, they know that I am there for them no matter what, if they have a problem, they talk to me, I have been here for them since the first day they met me...they love me & they know that I love them. They are secure with me, and it shows... So if you can possibly keep any kind of dignity for yourselves, you might want refer to this old saying...IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE...KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT!!!!

 

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i was spanked as a child. it taught me that people who love me can hit me. i went on to marry a man who kept hitting me. i always wanted the person who loved me, then hit me, to love me again, bc it made me feel unloved when i was spanked.

 

as a step mom, i would never spank my step daughter. i dont hit my other children either. and i raised my step daughter from birth. you do not hit other people's children. ever. in my state it is ctually against the law (or cps anyway) for a step mom to "spank" a step child.

 

you need consistency to teach a child and an emotional connection. please, please start looking into gentle discipline. i have learned over the years that attachment parenting and gentle discipline do not mean letting the kids do what they want. it just means not destroying who they are and their inner self worth while teaching them stuff like self discipline.

 

my ex husband used to hit me every time i didnt do the dishes or told him a lie. it taught me to listen to him, until i was strong enough to get away. do you want these children to run from you? and yes it is the same thing. the only difference is the place the pain happens.

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#21 of 30 Old 09-16-2011, 12:59 PM
 
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Loving children doesnt mean hitting children. Hitting people who arent strong enough to defend themselves is abusive. Hands down. You arent going to convince many people here otherwise. Some of us were spanked, and it didnt teach us a damn thing. Some of us didnt learn from spanking, so we were beaten and screamed at all in the name of "discipline".


I reported your behavior as offensive, so hopefully you will be told to remove your last post. We try not to talk to each other that way you are talking to us. If you talk to people who have given you some advice you didnt want to hear that way, how are you talking to those children? Loudly Id imagine.

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#22 of 30 Old 09-16-2011, 01:05 PM
 
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http://parentingfreedom.com/discipline/

This is a great resource for people who would like to learn how to change their ways of disciplining a child from what they have been taught to what is right. Im not a Christian, but I know many Christians who were taught that the lord fully expects you to use a "rod" for discipline, and this has some great scripture to point you in the other direction. I know you are new to parenting, and every new parent makes mistakes, but its not too late to decide to do something different.

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#23 of 30 Old 09-16-2011, 01:11 PM
 
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I find it ironic that you were politely told that there was an area that you could improve in and you got really seriously freaked out and thought we were being horrid to you.

 

If you, yourself, cannot take feedback, how to do expect small children to? How do you expect them to be spanked and shamed and to get anything positive from that when you cannot even politely listen to people who've been doing this parenting thing a lot longer than you?

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#24 of 30 Old 09-16-2011, 01:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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TO: LINDA ON THE MOVE

 

First of all I said "DUH" because I think it was pretty obvious what I was saying about why I am teaching my daughter to sit with her legs closed...I mean really what age are you from? What kind of "lady" are you if you don't sit with your legs closed when you have a dress on? I allow my kids to be kids & my daughter does wear shorts under her dresses because she is still learning to be a young LADY!!! I am not focusing on her panties & I don't think that teaching her how to sit is what makes her grow up to be confident about herself!!! She has to believe in herself, and part of that is having respect for yourself, and you dont show that you have respect for yourself if you sit around with your legs gapped open bearing all for the world to see!!!!! I understand that there are allot of ways to discipline. AGAIN!, I AM NOT STUPID!!!!! But sometimes with some children, some of those other ways just don't work!!!! I don't "hit" my kids, I spank them on their bottoms! There is a difference in spanking, hitting and beating...I don't believe that spanking them is teaching them it's okay to beat others up smaller or not...I am not teaching them to fear me either, because if I were then why when they are hurt, need something, want something, or for any other reason you can think of...THEY COME TO ME---NOT DADDY---NOT GRANDMA!!!!! 

 

TO ADALINE'S MAMA

 

These children may not be my blood, but they ARE mine!!! I didn't barge into their lives, they asked me to be a part of their lives...Their dady sat down with them, before he asked me to marry him, and talked with them about me and made sure that they wanted me to be a part of their lives and to eventually be their mom...That is one of the key things in our relationship that we made sure to go over before we took ANY measures to becoming a family...they (the kids) wanted me to be their mommy, they (the kids) asked me to be their mommy!!!! That is how he proposed to me...the kids asked me, not him!!!!! I know to some, a yr & a half may not be a long time, but to those kids it's like I have been there for longer. I didn't rip them from their grandma, they wanted to come live with us...they wanted to be with us!! I do allow them to be kids, but part of being a kid growing up and learning. (you would know that if you would have grown up youself) I don't "force" my daughter to sit with her legs closed, but I do teach her that it is proper and lady like... I know plenty of women that are very well educated, have top notch careers, and still know how to act "like a lady". They all have respect for themselves and have class which you aparently know nothing about... I may only be a woman that married their dad, but I am the closest thing to a mother that these kids have EVER had...How dare you say that their grandma was right by telling them not to listen to their dad or me...that is a type of brainwashing which is something you seem all to familar with. I don't tell them that noone will like them because they or their behavior is not perfect. They understand that NOONE is perfect except for God & Jesus (which by the way is something that me & their dad have taught them because their grandma doesnt believe in that) And I am not angry because of a control issue, but I am angry that their grandma doesnt love them enough to be truthfull to them & plays mind games on them, out of spite towards us and YES, it is frustrating to teach them that they are special and that they are loved when their whole life they have been treated otherwise! The only lessons I am teaching them as far as spanking them is that some behaviors & some actions will not be tolerated whether it is in our home or out in the world. Let me ask you a question...would you want to be around a grown person who lies to you all the time or has no respect for you or your things? I think not!!!! BTW- I did not get on here to "change my disciple methods" as you say, but to get advice on how to overcome some of the isecurities that my children came to me with when we first became a family...get your head out of your ass and actually read the whole forum before you start judging people...Listening to you makes me picture an overweight slob with short butch like hair that has been left all alone and can find nothing better to do with their time than sit on the computer & judge others so that you can feel better about yourself...  

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#25 of 30 Old 09-16-2011, 01:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have no problem with critism, but that is NOT how either of you have come across. You have belittled me, said I was not a good parent (in so many words) and one of you even said that the kids should go back to their grandma...all was well till I mentioned that I spanked them. Just because that is not the way you do things does not mean that your way is the only way...both of you have been rude, judgemental, and downright mean with your words...i don't care how long you have been parenting. You say I am wrong for how I discipline, but then look back at the hurtfull things you have said to me...remember the saying about stick & stones...well that saying is wrong!!!!  words do hurt and you have just totally ruined me taking advice from people like you because of your words...you are both hatefull & mean and I could just imagine how your children turned out... BTW- I am glad that you "reported" me! Because this is the last time you will see me on here taking advice from two old bitties like you!!!

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#26 of 30 Old 09-16-2011, 01:48 PM
 
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You need to have a serious sit-down talk with your husband and his mother about everything.  I don't think the right answer is to withdrawal her from the children's lives.  I don't think the right answer is to allow her to say inappropriate things when they are there.  Perhaps therapy is needed if this is not something the two of you are able to resolve with her. 

 

(All of this is said with the caveat that I have my doubts about this entire thread and have since it was started.)
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by wannabamommy View Post

TO: LINDA ON THE MOVE

 

First of all I said "DUH" because I think it was pretty obvious what I was saying about why I am teaching my daughter to sit with her legs closed...I mean really what age are you from? What kind of "lady" are you if you don't sit with your legs closed when you have a dress on? I allow my kids to be kids & my daughter does wear shorts under her dresses because she is still learning to be a young LADY!!! I am not focusing on her panties & I don't think that teaching her how to sit is what makes her grow up to be confident about herself!!! She has to believe in herself, and part of that is having respect for yourself, and you dont show that you have respect for yourself if you sit around with your legs gapped open bearing all for the world to see!!!!! I understand that there are allot of ways to discipline. AGAIN!, I AM NOT STUPID!!!!! But sometimes with some children, some of those other ways just don't work!!!! I don't "hit" my kids, I spank them on their bottoms! There is a difference in spanking, hitting and beating...I don't believe that spanking them is teaching them it's okay to beat others up smaller or not...I am not teaching them to fear me either, because if I were then why when they are hurt, need something, want something, or for any other reason you can think of...THEY COME TO ME---NOT DADDY---NOT GRANDMA!!!!! 

 

TO ADALINE'S MAMA

 

These children may not be my blood, but they ARE mine!!! I didn't barge into their lives, they asked me to be a part of their lives...Their dady sat down with them, before he asked me to marry him, and talked with them about me and made sure that they wanted me to be a part of their lives and to eventually be their mom...That is one of the key things in our relationship that we made sure to go over before we took ANY measures to becoming a family...they (the kids) wanted me to be their mommy, they (the kids) asked me to be their mommy!!!! That is how he proposed to me...the kids asked me, not him!!!!! I know to some, a yr & a half may not be a long time, but to those kids it's like I have been there for longer. I didn't rip them from their grandma, they wanted to come live with us...they wanted to be with us!! I do allow them to be kids, but part of being a kid growing up and learning. (you would know that if you would have grown up youself) I don't "force" my daughter to sit with her legs closed, but I do teach her that it is proper and lady like... I know plenty of women that are very well educated, have top notch careers, and still know how to act "like a lady". They all have respect for themselves and have class which you aparently know nothing about... I may only be a woman that married their dad, but I am the closest thing to a mother that these kids have EVER had...How dare you say that their grandma was right by telling them not to listen to their dad or me...that is a type of brainwashing which is something you seem all to familar with. I don't tell them that noone will like them because they or their behavior is not perfect. They understand that NOONE is perfect except for God & Jesus (which by the way is something that me & their dad have taught them because their grandma doesnt believe in that) And I am not angry because of a control issue, but I am angry that their grandma doesnt love them enough to be truthfull to them & plays mind games on them, out of spite towards us and YES, it is frustrating to teach them that they are special and that they are loved when their whole life they have been treated otherwise! The only lessons I am teaching them as far as spanking them is that some behaviors & some actions will not be tolerated whether it is in our home or out in the world. Let me ask you a question...would you want to be around a grown person who lies to you all the time or has no respect for you or your things? I think not!!!! BTW- I did not get on here to "change my disciple methods" as you say, but to get advice on how to overcome some of the isecurities that my children came to me with when we first became a family...get your head out of your ass and actually read the whole forum before you start judging people...Listening to you makes me picture an overweight slob with short butch like hair that has been left all alone and can find nothing better to do with their time than sit on the computer & judge others so that you can feel better about yourself...  


That wasn't exactly a mature response.  Maybe you should examine why this is bothering you so much, causing you to get so upset and get a bit nasty.  Perhaps you see some flaws in your parenting that you want to work on.  We all have them.  smile.gif

 

At any rate, I'm not sure if you're aware, but the forum is based upon certain principles, if you will.  One of the beliefs pushed on this forum is gentle discipline; I think someone linked you to the forum already.  You aren't going to find a group of people willing to discuss physical punishment on this board, so it's best not addressed here if you have no interest in reevaluating it.  I certainly suggest you check out the gentle discipline forum because there are a lot of useful tools you can learn, even if you aren't ready to stop physically punishing the children.

 

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#27 of 30 Old 09-16-2011, 01:54 PM
 
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Im pregnant, not overweight. I have hair down past my shoulders, and wear mostly skirts. Im married to a hairy, sexy man who is very manly and Im not at all "butch" but I have NO problems with people having different sexual identities than I do. Oh, and by the way, Im 27...far from an old bitty. And I read every bit of all of your posts, multiple times. My reading comprehension is excellent. Just so that you can realize that what you imagine to be the case is not true, I also run two businesses, am pregnant, and have a toddler. I just hate it when I read about people abusing their someone else's kids. I thought you wanted advice, but you just wanted to be told you were right in everything you were doing.

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OP, you do realize that nearly all of the community members at Mothering practice Attachment Parenting and Gentle Discipline, right? I'm not trying to be mean but you posted that you spank your children in a community that is very clearly against any form of physical discipline and don't believe in hitting children for any reason.

 

YOU asked for help and then became extremely rude when people offered assistance and even ruder when people told you that this was not the place to discuss spanking a child, because that's not something that is done around here.

 

 We (MDC community) raise our children to be kind, respectful, caring human beings and attacking posters (I am so disgusted by what you wrote in envisioning another poster that I want to vomit) and shouting (all caps is shouting) certainly doesn't create an environment of respect and caring and kindness. If this is your internet behavior, I would be concerned about what you are teaching these children about how to respect authority.

 

I'm sorry that you feel that people attacked you but you came into our "home" and attacked our beliefs. I'm not sure what else you expected. I do wish you'd read some of the stuff on Gentle Discipline, but we can't make you do that. I don't doubt that you care for your children, but your reactions here will not warm you to this community at all.


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#30 of 30 Old 09-22-2011, 10:52 AM
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wannabamommy, please give our Web Statement of Purpose and Gentle Discipline forum guidelines a read.  They will give you a better picture of what Mothering is about, and why your posts were not received well, nor appropriate for our forums.
 
Additionally, your personally attacking posts are against our User agreement.  While disagreement is fine, we do not wish to host personally pointed sarcasm and namecalling.  Further posting in this manner will result in loss of forum privileges. Please contact me directly if you have any questions regarding what is or is not appropriate.
 
Cafemom is a more mainstream parenting board, yes.  However, it is inaccurate to say that mentioning you spank means you will not get any useful advice. We have many posts in GD and elsewhere on the forum where members have been helped with gentle discipline advice, and have found alternates to physical discipline.  If you post, however, just stating that you use physical discipline, and endorse it, you will face opposition.
 
This thread is remaining closed, as I feel it has run its course.
 
 
 

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