How to deal with a toxic birth mother? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 40 Old 09-30-2011, 07:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by habitat View Post

Jeannine, I'm don't want you to feel like I'm picking on you, but I literally cringed to see TRANSPHOBIC in "quotations". It's like putting "trans" in quotations! EEEk! It illegitimizes transphobia as a problem, when in reality, its effects can and do kill. Anyone who intentionally doesn't use her daughter's preferred pronouns is, without a doubt, as transphobic as the day is long. It doesn't make her position easy. It doesn't make her an innately awful person. It doesn't remove her motherhood. It doesn't even make her unwilling to learn and improve. But it does make her the very definition of transphobic. And that is just as bad as "racist", "homophobic", "sexist", etc... Period. Try putting any of those in quotations to a parent whose child has died of a hate crime or hate-induced suicide. Transphobia is real. It's been proven dangerous to young people and it's a tragedy that it often is trivialized in the mainstream consciousness.

 


Sorry - I didn't mean anything by it.  I am not familiar with the term and thought it might be the OP's own construction.  It's obvious what it means, but I used quotations because I thought I was repeating her word.  I wasn't trying to imply that the concept is only fake or theoretical (though I can see how it seemed that way).


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#32 of 40 Old 10-01-2011, 03:20 AM
 
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If the parents this kid lives with refers to his mom as bio-mom.. I think it would start building animosity inside subconsciously. If my husband's new wife told me I wasn't wanted any longer by MY child and to get out of his life I would do a lot more than cuss up a storm! Sounds like she loves her kid a lot!

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#33 of 40 Old 10-01-2011, 03:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

 

Really?  You think your step-kids mother values someone who openly dislikes and doesn't respect her?  Yeah, good luck with that.

 


Thank you habitat, you are exactly right. I never once said I don't respect her. I respect that she is my step-children's mother, I respect that she has ultimate say in her children's life and I have never once tried to step on her toes over that issue. I respect that she has raised them for 16/14 years, respectively and has done a fair job at turning out decent human beings (or as decent as any teenager can be, lol) I am not her biggest fan and I don't agree with very many choices she makes. I have been doing this for over 10 years now and am quite adept at it and my step-children AND their mother DO, in fact, value me. We have a mutually respectful relationship in my step-children's life. I strongly disagree with the way she treats my step-daughter (and people in general, really.) When it comes to my step-son, I have very few issues with how she is with him. (Other than maybe a few lax rules but nothing major) I just am of the belief that you should love your children and respect them for the people they are even if that means accepting differences in them. You have no idea what kind of pain my step-daughter has gone through at her mother's hands because of her inability to accept her sexuality. I can strongly disagree with her and still respect her as their mother. Again, just because you dislike the idea of a step-mother does not give you the right nor authority to speak of my relationship with my children's step-mother.

I also don't "openly dislike" her. I am very kind and generous to her. I can disagree with someone without disliking them... Like I said, I am not her biggest fan but I don't dislike her. Even if we were not parent/step-parents of the children, I would not be her friend in outside life, we are two VERY different people and we don't have very much in common (beliefs, morals, hobbies, rules, etc) but again, that's not a equation for dislike or disrespect. The fact that I can still communicate and treat her with kindness despite our differences should show that I do, in fact, respect her.

Jeri, Natural lovin' Mama to Elijah (9.29.03), Eden (10.2.06), and a little one lost along the way (1/12)., Step-monster to Shelby (18) and Stephen (16). Celebrating 12 years together with my soul-mate, Eric. Hoping for a rainbow1284.gif someday! 
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#34 of 40 Old 10-01-2011, 07:55 PM
 
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I think we are splitting hairs. since when did not biggest fan on dislike not mean the same thing.

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#35 of 40 Old 10-02-2011, 04:41 AM
 
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Who cares if I DO dislike her? (I really don't... there are very few people in this world that I truly dislike) That still doesn't mean I can't respect her as their mother or that she can't value me as their step-mother. We can have a working, respectful parental relationship and still dislike one another as a people. To assume that I don't respect her is unfair and incorrect.

Jeri, Natural lovin' Mama to Elijah (9.29.03), Eden (10.2.06), and a little one lost along the way (1/12)., Step-monster to Shelby (18) and Stephen (16). Celebrating 12 years together with my soul-mate, Eric. Hoping for a rainbow1284.gif someday! 
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#36 of 40 Old 10-02-2011, 05:00 AM
 
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kids know.
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#37 of 40 Old 10-02-2011, 05:04 AM
 
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I don't see how demeaning her as bio mom and telling her she can no longer see her own kids as respectful.
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#38 of 40 Old 10-02-2011, 07:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by babygirlie View Post

I don't see how demeaning her as bio mom and telling her she can no longer see her own kids as respectful.

Uhm, I think you have me confused with someone else... I have never restricted access to my step-children's mother. NEVER. Nor have I ever "demeaned" her as bio-mom. I asked the question about WHY it was demeaning but I don't think I've ever referred to her as biomom. I usually refer to her as my SKs mother.

Jeri, Natural lovin' Mama to Elijah (9.29.03), Eden (10.2.06), and a little one lost along the way (1/12)., Step-monster to Shelby (18) and Stephen (16). Celebrating 12 years together with my soul-mate, Eric. Hoping for a rainbow1284.gif someday! 
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#39 of 40 Old 10-02-2011, 10:15 AM
 
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i can relate to this. i cant say that i am DSDs moms biggest fan either. i disagree with some of the things she does and some of the choices she makes, but thats my problem. she is a good mom to DSD. they have a great, healthy relationship and i will never try to tell her how to raise her kid, bad mouth her to anyone (well, me and DP get our bitch on sometimes ;) ) or try to interfere in any way with her relationship with her daughter. i will try to provide a loving family for DSD and all the support i possibly can when she is in our care. DSDs mom thinks im great and is happy i am in her daughters life, which shows great emotional maturity that i am still struggling to master. 

 

on thursday, when i was dropping DSD off, i talked to her mom about a matter that i immediately realized should have been left to DP to discuss with her. as soon as i got to work, i sent her a text apologizing for overstepping. my phone was cut off so she couldnt text back, but she called DP at work to apparently "gush" about how wonderful i am and how she loves my relationship with DSD, how i dress her and so on. 

 

i am so, so, so grateful that we dont make each other miserable like we so easily could. and it was her who took the leap to act super mature about it, long before i had any idea how to act around her and her daughter. she and i dont have anything in common and have no interest in being friends, but we can have a warm, mutually appreciative relationship and that is a great benefit to DSD. 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Attached2Elijah View Post


Thank you habitat, you are exactly right. I never once said I don't respect her. I respect that she is my step-children's mother, I respect that she has ultimate say in her children's life and I have never once tried to step on her toes over that issue. I respect that she has raised them for 16/14 years, respectively and has done a fair job at turning out decent human beings (or as decent as any teenager can be, lol) I am not her biggest fan and I don't agree with very many choices she makes. I have been doing this for over 10 years now and am quite adept at it and my step-children AND their mother DO, in fact, value me. We have a mutually respectful relationship in my step-children's life. I strongly disagree with the way she treats my step-daughter (and people in general, really.) When it comes to my step-son, I have very few issues with how she is with him. (Other than maybe a few lax rules but nothing major) I just am of the belief that you should love your children and respect them for the people they are even if that means accepting differences in them. You have no idea what kind of pain my step-daughter has gone through at her mother's hands because of her inability to accept her sexuality. I can strongly disagree with her and still respect her as their mother. Again, just because you dislike the idea of a step-mother does not give you the right nor authority to speak of my relationship with my children's step-mother.
I also don't "openly dislike" her. I am very kind and generous to her. I can disagree with someone without disliking them... Like I said, I am not her biggest fan but I don't dislike her. Even if we were not parent/step-parents of the children, I would not be her friend in outside life, we are two VERY different people and we don't have very much in common (beliefs, morals, hobbies, rules, etc) but again, that's not a equation for dislike or disrespect. The fact that I can still communicate and treat her with kindness despite our differences should show that I do, in fact, respect her.


 


Karla (24), loving having and growing a family: my amazing man, DS (1.5), DSD (6), a dog and two cats. Expecting my second 1sttri.gif November 2nd!
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#40 of 40 Old 10-02-2011, 10:35 AM
 
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"I can strongly disagree with her and still respect her as their mother."

 

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