So many arguments, so little time... - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-26-2011, 12:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Do you ever feel like you need a spreadsheet to keep track of all the arguments you (or your husband) are having with the other parent? I think there are at least 5 distinct arguments or discussions going on right now, all simultaneously. It will be a miracle if something doesn't slip through the cracks. 

 

It's a fairly high-conflict/low-contact relationship, so they go the vast majority of the time with very little contact at all, aside from travel arrangements, occasional required notice about extra-curriculars and medical care, etc. In general it is just an email and a response, maybe a second response, and then it is done.

 

For some reason my husband's ex has brought up, simultaneously, several discussions about changes she wants to make to the custody agreement and major decisions that require explicit consent of both parents. Then there are a couple relatively normal discussions-- a major medical expense not covered by insurance, some school concerns. Then, just in case it wasn't already enough, for some reason she got mad about a web-chat and spelled out the restrictions she is placing on phone and internet contact (it's not new that she is restricting contact, she's just never come out and said it before).

 

I feel like we could use a personal assistant and a couple spreadsheets to track all the various discussions, arguments, disagreements, and conflicts right now. My husband's normal tendency is to feel stressed and overwhelmed by it all and back off on the non-essentials. I'm impressed he hasn't done it so far, though he has taken the last couple days off from it for some family time. In some ways it feel like when a toddler has a tantrum and you react differently than usual, so they crank things up a notch, waiting for the reaction they are used to. Sometimes it seems like it's just a waiting game to see who is going to crack first and just give up and give in.

 

I hope it can all come to a reasonable resolution soon... Mom's got some mental health issues, and I know the holidays tend to bring those to the surface for her... hopefully if we can make it to January we can go back to the relative peace from before. This is exhausting. 


Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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Old 11-26-2011, 10:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aricha View Post

Do you ever feel like you need a spreadsheet to keep track of all the arguments you (or your husband) are having with the other parent? I think there are at least 5 distinct arguments or discussions going on right now, all simultaneously. It will be a miracle if something doesn't slip through the cracks. 

 

It's a fairly high-conflict/low-contact relationship, so they go the vast majority of the time with very little contact at all, aside from travel arrangements, occasional required notice about extra-curriculars and medical care, etc. In general it is just an email and a response, maybe a second response, and then it is done.

 

For some reason my husband's ex has brought up, simultaneously, several discussions about changes she wants to make to the custody agreement and major decisions that require explicit consent of both parents. Then there are a couple relatively normal discussions-- a major medical expense not covered by insurance, some school concerns. Then, just in case it wasn't already enough, for some reason she got mad about a web-chat and spelled out the restrictions she is placing on phone and internet contact (it's not new that she is restricting contact, she's just never come out and said it before).

 

I feel like we could use a personal assistant and a couple spreadsheets to track all the various discussions, arguments, disagreements, and conflicts right now. My husband's normal tendency is to feel stressed and overwhelmed by it all and back off on the non-essentials. I'm impressed he hasn't done it so far, though he has taken the last couple days off from it for some family time. In some ways it feel like when a toddler has a tantrum and you react differently than usual, so they crank things up a notch, waiting for the reaction they are used to. Sometimes it seems like it's just a waiting game to see who is going to crack first and just give up and give in.

 

I hope it can all come to a reasonable resolution soon... Mom's got some mental health issues, and I know the holidays tend to bring those to the surface for her... hopefully if we can make it to January we can go back to the relative peace from before. This is exhausting. 

 

DSS's BM has mental health issues and is pretty much a habitual liar. We take everything she says with a grain of salt. Like last month, she said she got hit by a car and was even in the ER, we found out from some of her family members this week that she did go to the ER but didn't actually get hit by a car.... So who knows.

 

Co-parenting in our case is pretty low key since we are the parents and she is never around or calls, not even on holidays. With that being said, DH keeps track of everything. He types out texting conversations, saves emails, prints out the list of when she calls and what number it is from  from our cell phone provider, etc. I have always been told that you can never have too much documentation. I'm not saying that things will escalate to going back to court, but we are always prepared and ready. 
 

 


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Old 11-27-2011, 05:44 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aricha View Post

Do you ever feel like you need a spreadsheet to keep track of all the arguments you (or your husband) are having with the other parent? Y-E-S!  I've kept them!  Then, when things tone down for a while, I stop, feeling like I'm the one perpetuating the conflict, if I continue logging every little thing when there aren't any major problems at hand.  Then when conflict inevitably resumes, I wish I had been anal, without pause.   I think there are at least 5 distinct arguments or discussions going on right now, all simultaneously. It will be a miracle if something doesn't slip through the cracks. 

 

It's a fairly high-conflict/low-contact relationship, so they go the vast majority of the time with very little contact at all, aside from travel arrangements, occasional required notice about extra-curriculars and medical care, etc. In general it is just an email and a response, maybe a second response, and then it is done.

 

For some reason my husband's ex has brought up, simultaneously, several discussions about changes she wants to make to the custody agreement and major decisions that require explicit consent of both parents. Then there are a couple relatively normal discussions-- a major medical expense not covered by insurance, some school concerns. Then, just in case it wasn't already enough, for some reason she got mad about a web-chat and spelled out the restrictions she is placing on phone and internet contact (it's not new that she is restricting contact, she's just never come out and said it before).

 

I feel like we could use a personal assistant and a couple spreadsheets to track all the various discussions, arguments, disagreements, and conflicts right now. My husband's normal tendency is to feel stressed and overwhelmed by it all and back off on the non-essentials. I'm impressed he hasn't done it so far, though he has taken the last couple days off from it for some family time. In some ways it feel like when a toddler has a tantrum and you react differently than usual, so they crank things up a notch, waiting for the reaction they are used to. Sometimes it seems like it's just a waiting game to see who is going to crack first and just give up and give in.

 

... Mom's got some mental health issues, and I know the holidays tend to bring those to the surface for her... hopefully if we can make it to January we can go back to the relative peace from before. This is exhausting.   Same here.  At least you know you and your DH are trying to put your DSD's needs - and your relationships with her - ahead of personal anxieties and hostilities with her mother.  Some kids have both parents putting hostility first.


 

 


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Old 12-05-2011, 05:04 PM
 
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Similar stuff is going on here. The ex will be quiet and "normal" for weeks and contact will be minimal and then all of a sudden there is a flurry of complaints, "orders" on what my BF should be doing or what he is doing wrong and a myriad of other crap that will go on for days or even weeks sometimes and then all of a sudden it stops and everything is calm again.  But it's like a landmine because you never know when she's going to go off again. She is never wrong and can rationalize just about anything (or just  flat out lies to make the rationalizations work). It's impossible to deal with her, especially for my ex who just wants to avoid any conflict. I, on the other hand, don't necessarily have a need to avoid all conflict, so it is very frustrating to watch their interactions :(

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