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#31 of 56 Old 12-15-2011, 11:51 AM
 
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I agree that you need a MUCH more detailed parenting plan. Our spells out everything you could possibly think of, and leaves NO room for argument, which is exactly why it works so well for DH and DSD's mom. They had a lot of trouble a few years ago, when they both switched times constantly, and it lead to anger on both of their parts- both felt like they weren't getting the time they "deserved." For the last 2 years, we have followed the plan to the letter, and it has created a MUCH happier relationship for all involved.

 

That schedule sounds insane, and I feel really bad for the kids. We have 50/50 as well, and do Sun, Mon, Tues with mom and Wed, Th, Fri with dad, alternating Saturdays. It does suck because we never get a full weekend, but DSD always knows where she will be, and who she will be with.

 

ROFR is written into their plan as well, with the stipulation that it can only be used if she will be out of the parent's care for more than 3 hours. DSD's mom was VERY strict in enforcing this (only when it came to me, LOL) until DH pointed out that DSD spent most of the time she was "with" her mom being cared for by other people. She has since dropped the complaints. Honestly, I agree with the reasons it is written in, and to me, it makes sense that she should be with one parent or the other whenever possible- but since she spends very little time with her mom BY HER MOM'S CHOOSING, DH chose to make an issue over this. Now it's basically don't ask don't tell, and everyone seems pretty happy with that.


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#32 of 56 Old 12-15-2011, 04:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Your schedule sound so much more sane! We don't mind not having a full weekend, but a full DAY would be awesome. Do you mind sharing other things that are specifically spelled out that we might not think of?  I think part of the issue with the schedule is my BF works normal M-F 8-430, but she has 3 jobs that are weird hours (teaches 2-3 college classes at local community colleges as well as online and is a waitress at a local restaurant). She seems to keep a mostly regular schedule, but it's sometimes weird hours I think. I'll have to see if my BF knows the schedule or not and if splitting up the week would work.

 

The ROFR thing she is bringing up is a little ridiculous. Before I came along, she NEVER wanted the kids when it wasn't her time. He would repeatedly ask her to take them at certain times so he wouldn't have to take off of work and she would either refuse or turn around and call his parents and have them watch the kids. Usually she stated she was too busy, but we are pretty sure she was more interested in punishing my BF than spending time with the kids.  That is why this is extra frustrating. She's fighting for him to have to basically ask her permission every time he wants to leave the kids home with me, but 90% of the time she is going to not take them anyway. It's just a way to degrade or humiliate him by making him have to ask her. It's sick.

 

And honestly, after today (she still hasn't responded to his last proposal and it's been more than 24 hours...meanwhile, if he waits more than 24 hours to respond to her, she goes ballistic on him), I just don't know why I care so much or if all this stress is really worth it. Is it worth it? I mean, I found myself screaming at my 3 year old daughter this morning because I couldn't get the printer to work and she kept bugging me for something. I hate myself now. The stress has me so on edge and I begin to wonder why the hell I'm pushing for all this anyway. I love his kids, they are great, we have a good time, they are loving towards me, but having them around is stressful. They come in and out like a tornado because we never have them for more than half a day or they get here 3 hours  before they have to go to bed so we are rushing around doing homework, baths, dinner, etc...and the mornings are just as hectic. I hate it. So, I start thinking, Gee, if they weren't around so much, it would be a lot calmer around here and maybe I won't have to start taking blood pressure pills. My BF would be miserable. Usually by Friday he is missing the kids a lot and I can tell. But at the same time, we have my daughter, and hopefully a new baby next year, why push for more time with the kids if it's so hard and so stressful and she is putting up such a crazy fight.

 

Uh oh, just got the email from her...she is still insisting on ROFR to include non-overnights. I am so sick of this.

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Originally Posted by -Resque- View Post

I agree that you need a MUCH more detailed parenting plan. Our spells out everything you could possibly think of, and leaves NO room for argument, which is exactly why it works so well for DH and DSD's mom. They had a lot of trouble a few years ago, when they both switched times constantly, and it lead to anger on both of their parts- both felt like they weren't getting the time they "deserved." For the last 2 years, we have followed the plan to the letter, and it has created a MUCH happier relationship for all involved.

 

That schedule sounds insane, and I feel really bad for the kids. We have 50/50 as well, and do Sun, Mon, Tues with mom and Wed, Th, Fri with dad, alternating Saturdays. It does suck because we never get a full weekend, but DSD always knows where she will be, and who she will be with.

 

ROFR is written into their plan as well, with the stipulation that it can only be used if she will be out of the parent's care for more than 3 hours. DSD's mom was VERY strict in enforcing this (only when it came to me, LOL) until DH pointed out that DSD spent most of the time she was "with" her mom being cared for by other people. She has since dropped the complaints. Honestly, I agree with the reasons it is written in, and to me, it makes sense that she should be with one parent or the other whenever possible- but since she spends very little time with her mom BY HER MOM'S CHOOSING, DH chose to make an issue over this. Now it's basically don't ask don't tell, and everyone seems pretty happy with that.



 

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#33 of 56 Old 12-16-2011, 06:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, can someone explain this one to me?  She has stated she misses the kids when they're away from her and she's trying to make it so they are with her more, especially if they're going to be alone with me or their grandparents instead of with my BF. I understand where she's coming from...well, I would if she were a normal human being anyway. Here's what happened yesterday.

 

In previous emails she mentioned she was sad she would lose the kids on full snow days because she really looks forward to those and would like them on all full snow days. She also indicated she didn't like that the kids were going to be away from her for so long on winter break (the 2 whole days my BF wanted to keep them at our house). So, when my BF wrote her back after she sent her last proposal (which stated we alternate snow days depending on where the kids are spending the night that night and that we would pick the kids up at 8am on the 26th when he had told her he'd be willing to pick them up later so he could spend the morning with them) he asked her if she still wanted full snow days because he would be willing to write that into the agreement. Her response: "I already indicated to you what my preference is in my last email, so I don't know why you're asking me about snow days again." Um, because her last email indicated we alternate snow days and the one before that said she wanted ALL snow days, so we are confused? In her last email she also said, "Please let me know what time you're picking the kids up on the 26th. If you want to pick up the kids at a later time, that is fine with me." So again, does she or does she not want them for longer periods of time??? When we offer her more time, she either says forget it acts like she doesn't really care one way or the other about it.

 

This is the biggest reason we're against the more strict ROFR. She just wants to for my BF to ask her permission every time he needs or wants to leave the kids with me or with his relatives as a way to humiliate him or punish him or whatever. Over the past few years she has told my BF she is "busy" (not working) a majority of the time he's asked her to watch them on his time. Meanwhile he or his parents have taken the kids 100% of the time she has asked him to watch them on her time. The other thing is, she works from home part of the time. So the kids tell us a lot that mom is working when they're there. I don't think that's too big of a deal, but how is sitting on the couch watching TV all day while mom works better than going to grandmas who plays with the kids and takes them or or staying at Dad's where we do projects and play games (and go outside a lot in non-winter months) all day? I work from home as well, but limit my time and do a lot of work when my daughter is sleeping or with my BF. She also leaves them home alone to go shopping and run errands, so again, how is NO supervision by an adult better than being with grandparents or at dad's house with me?

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#34 of 56 Old 12-16-2011, 06:21 AM
 
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I think your DH needs to stop communicating with her entirely, and file in court to revise the parenting plan and ask to be assigned a mediator (if he's comfortable mediating with her). Then serve her the papers and see if she backs down. If not, go to court to get a VERY VERY detailed parenting plan.

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#35 of 56 Old 12-16-2011, 07:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ugh, it's so hard. He keep wanting to write her back and give her one more chance and I don't want to push him too hard in any one direction because I'm afraid he'll resent me later for talking him into doing something he didn't want to, especially if it does not turn out well :( In her last email she stated she didn't see any difference in his proposal compared to hers (which makes NO sense since we completely eliminated the ROFR statement she had in it, but whatever) so I think he's going to write something back like, "Great! I'm glad we've come to an agreement without needing mediation. I've typed up the agreement, signed it and attached it to the email. You just need to sign it and send it back and we're all set for the holidays. I'll pick the kids up at 8am on the 26th," and see what happens. After that, I am hoping he decides to stop communicating (if she doesn't sign it) because there is no point anymore.

 

Of course she is now accusing him of being "hostile" and "threatening" her with mediation. She also made a point to say the kids never have any problems at her house and her household is always calm (in reference to his statement that the kids complain they are being bounced around between houses too much). I don't know what she's getting at there since he never said things were not calm at the house, just that the kids complain about the schedule. Of course they never complain to her, they're afraid of being punished if they do.

 

 

 

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#36 of 56 Old 12-16-2011, 07:45 AM
 
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Of course she is now accusing him of being "hostile" and "threatening" her with mediation. She also made a point to say the kids never have any problems at her house and her household is always calm (in reference to his statement that the kids complain they are being bounced around between houses too much). I don't know what she's getting at there since he never said things were not calm at the house, just that the kids complain about the schedule. Of course they never complain to her, they're afraid of being punished if they do.

 

 

 



No, they probably do. She just won't ever tell you about it. My ex always says that my not quite 3yo settles right in and its a seamless adjustment going to his house. Only I was skyping with him once when ds was at his dad's, and there was some MAJOR adjustment issues going on. So he's just lying through his teeth. Oh well, nothing I can do about it.

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#37 of 56 Old 12-16-2011, 08:49 AM
 
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Here is their parenting plan:

 

Dad's time:

 

Wed, Th, Fri, alternating Saturdays. When it is not our Saturday, we "return her" at 8am. If it is, we "return her" at 8am Sunday. When she does not have school, she is with the parent whose day it is... although, since Mom is a server, and Dad works 8-5, she generally will remain with her on Wednesdays until picked up by Dad after he is off work... ROFR comes into play there. :) Same for snow days, sick days, etc. All is taken care of by the parent who has her, or me, if it is Dad's time. Mom has been fine with me keeping her for sick days and snow days if it is Dad's day, as I have a much more flexible work schedule. On winter break, she does not mind if DSD spends time with me on Thursdays and Fridays if Dad is working. This is where don't ask, don't tell comes into play.

 

Summer is the same, although each parent gets a full week. We must notify the other house when our week will be by April 1st.

 

Memorial Day weekend: Friday at 5pm to Monday at 5pm

 

4th of July: 8am to 11pm

 

Halloween is supposedly shared, although she just does it at the house where she is.

 

Edited to add: Before I came along, DSD's mom had her on Mondays. That was it. DSD suffered for it, and quite honestly, if it took her feeling threatened by me to step up her parenting, then I'm all for it. They have had a much closer relationship the last few years, and while DH misses having all of that time with her, it really has been a good thing for DSD.

 

Thanksgiving: All day, other than noon to 4, when Mom gets her. We let her spend Wednesday night before with mom though, so we pick her up at 12. This year we picked her up at 2, to give them extra eating time. This pays off for us on Christmas, as you will see. :)

 

Christmas Day: noon to 4, although Mom always lets her spend the night with us, and return her 8am the next morning.

 

New Years Eve/Day follows the normal schedule

 

DSD's birthday: 2pm - 8pm

 

Father's Day weekend: We keep her all weekend until 5pm Sunday

 

Father's birthday: 8am - 8pm every year (Father's birthday falls on Memorial Day weekend anyway.)

 

Mothers time:

 

Sun, Mon, Tues, alternating Saturdays

 

Easter: Every year with mother

 

Labor Day weekend: She gets her Fridays at 5pm, although she has never actually taken her.

 

Thanksgiving: noon to 4

 

Christmas Eve: Every year at 6pm through Christmas Day at noon

 

DSD's birthday: 8pm - 2pm

 

Mother's Day weekend: She gets her Friday at 5pm, although again, she has never actually taken her.

 

Mother's Birthday: 8am - 8pm.

 

It is also written into the plan that DSD is allowed to call either parent whenever she likes, although she has never asked at either house, as far as I know. It is written in that DH picks up DSD every Wednesday morning, and DSD's mom picks her up on the weekend. This does not happen. She is dropped off for school by DSD's mom Wednesday mornings (she attends school in our district), and we take her back to her mom's on the weekends. We generally do most of the transportation, but that's fine with us... that way, we will get her when we are supposed to, and not an hour late. It makes DSD's mom feel "in control" that she makes us drive everywhere, so she lays off in other areas. Fine with us!

 

It is also written into the plan that if mediation is needed, both parents will pay half of the cost. This has been a really nice way of keeping them OUT of mediation.

 

Other than some upset when we first got married, things have worked out okay, for the most part. She is generally accepting of me as DSD's stepmother, and does, I believe, actually say nice things about me to DSD. Both houses do a relatively good job of keeping DSD in the dark about any issues that arise. DSD LOVES the parenting plan, and often refers to it... she likes that a judge has decided who she is with, and that she doesn't have to. She doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and feels VERY nervous when we deviate from the plan in any way.


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#38 of 56 Old 12-17-2011, 11:55 AM
 
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I haven't read the other posts, so disregard this, if it's repetitive.

 

You can ask for an emergency hearing.  You'd probably win, over the measly 2 days you want.  I don't know if they'd be able to schedule the hearing in time, but if you're going to request one, there's no time to waste.  Write something up and file it TODAY.

 

Since the ex hasn't actually denied the time yet, unless you have it from her in writing that she won't let you have the kids, then you need to be creative in presenting your case.  If your DH's ex is anything like my DH's, she will realize the immense advantage to her in walking into court and saying, "There's no argument here, I don't know why he's being so litigious!  I never said he can't have the kids."  If the judge doesn't think there's any reason to issue an order, because everyone agrees, then once you walk out of the court room she can do whatever she wants - and she won't be violating an order.  So be prepared (or prepare your DH) to say, "OK, since she's saying she agrees now, but that's the exact opposite of what she's threatened verbally, can we please put this agreement in writing so I have some way to enforce it?"  His lawyer may think that is overkill, or makes him seem petulant, but it's important.

 

Police generally will not act on behalf of the non-custodial parent.  So how clearly worded are the orders?  E.g., my DH had "joint legal and physical custody", but his ex had their son very slightly more of the time.  Thus, their orders described when DH would "pick up" and "return" their son, implying the child lived at Mom's and only visited Dad.  Even though nothing in their orders actually called Mom the "custodial parent" (they both were), nor called DH the "non-CP", police here still considered him the NCP.  Their policy was that violating a CP's rights to the child is a criminal offense, but denying the NCP's access to the child is a civil offense and can only be resolved by the judge who issued the order.  Sadly, that policy is not even consistent with the letter of our (very egalitarian) law on parental kidnapping...but that's another discussion.  The point is, there's some chance police might intervene, if you have a clearly-worded order and if nothing makes Mom look like she in any way has more access to the kids than Dad.  But don't set all your hopes on the police.

 

Long-term, if Mom gives your DH NO access to the kids during all of winter break, she'd clearly be in violation of the order that holiday time be equally divided.  Carefully read the criteria for changing custody.  There should be some way to fit this violation into one of the criteria.  And I assume there have been other violations, on her part.  50-50 custody simply doesn't work, when one parent is unsupportive of the kids' need for contact with the other parent.  Your DH needs to have primary or sole custody, presuming he would not try to keep the kids away from their mother, like she does to him.  If parenting time is already 50-50, the schedule would not have to change that much.  The kids' lives need not be terribly disrupted.  But the legal standing of being custodial parent would let your DH have the final say, when she wants unreasonable visitation arrangements.  It would also let police enforce HIS interpretation of their custody orders.  Mom would still have the option to take him to court, but if she's truly unreasonable, her attorney will discourage her and the judge will rule against her and possibly make her pay your DH's legal fees.

 

Good luck.  I HATE holiday squabbles.  We're days away from our own and I'm just holding on for the ride...


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#39 of 56 Old 12-17-2011, 09:38 PM
 
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ok im sorry hun im not trying to be mean or sound like i am but what is this "us" and "we" crap? they are not your children you are just the girlfriend you are nothing to the children involved. i suggest you leave the disputing custody between your boyfriend and his ex. and so what if she is taking them on vacation? dont you think the children deserve a nice vacation? instead of complaining that you will have no time with them while they are on vacation why dont you be happy for them that they are spending some nice quality time having fun on a nice vacation with their mother? and how is the ex winning anything? lets see, the children are old enough to be in school so there goes 8 hours of her day without them, they are with thier dad for an hour there is 9 hours a day she is losing time with them, lets see she probably has a full time job too, right there is munus more time with them... and just wondering how did you write a detailed schedule of when each parent wakes and sleeps? you dont know what time she gets up and goes to bed. she could get up at 4 am and not even get to bed till late getting the childrens things around for school and to be with you and their father. i think you need to cut the ex some slack and respect her for everything she is doing for the kids. you sound like an immature little girl. if you want my advice.. get out of the relationship because you arent mature enough to have a serious relationship. and stop trying to get in between the custody stuff, its really none of your business..

 

 

like i said before i am not trying to be mean or make anyone mad i am just expressing my opinion

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#40 of 56 Old 12-18-2011, 04:50 AM
 
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Not helpful. 

 

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ok im sorry hun im not trying to be mean or sound like i am but what is this "us" and "we" crap? they are not your children you are just the girlfriend you are nothing to the children involved. i suggest you leave the disputing custody between your boyfriend and his ex. and so what if she is taking them on vacation? dont you think the children deserve a nice vacation? instead of complaining that you will have no time with them while they are on vacation why dont you be happy for them that they are spending some nice quality time having fun on a nice vacation with their mother? and how is the ex winning anything? lets see, the children are old enough to be in school so there goes 8 hours of her day without them, they are with thier dad for an hour there is 9 hours a day she is losing time with them, lets see she probably has a full time job too, right there is munus more time with them... and just wondering how did you write a detailed schedule of when each parent wakes and sleeps? you dont know what time she gets up and goes to bed. she could get up at 4 am and not even get to bed till late getting the childrens things around for school and to be with you and their father. i think you need to cut the ex some slack and respect her for everything she is doing for the kids. you sound like an immature little girl. if you want my advice.. get out of the relationship because you arent mature enough to have a serious relationship. and stop trying to get in between the custody stuff, its really none of your business..

 

 

like i said before i am not trying to be mean or make anyone mad i am just expressing my opinion



 

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#41 of 56 Old 12-18-2011, 06:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You obviously have no idea what you're talking about. How is it possible I am NOTHING to the children involved? Are you just completely clueless or that dumb? They are with me (and my BF) 50% of their lives. I give them baths, I clean their clothes, I cook their meals, I keep the house they live in 50% of the time clean, I make them soup when they are sick, I help put them to bed, I help educate them when they ask questions about things they are curious about, etc...Saying I am nothing to them isn't mean, it's downright moronic. You have no idea what you're talking about either as yout reading comprehension skills are obviously lacking. I never said she shouldn't take them on vacation. I said we should get this kids the two days of winter break she is NOT going on vacation. She does NOT have a full time job, so again, you have no clue what you're talking about. The schedule was written based on when the KIDS usually wake and sleep. I could give a crap if the ex gets up at 4am. That's her problem.

 

If you want my advice, learn some reading comprehension skills before you get diarrhea of the mouth (or keyboard) again and spew more of your crap.

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ok im sorry hun im not trying to be mean or sound like i am but what is this "us" and "we" crap? they are not your children you are just the girlfriend you are nothing to the children involved. i suggest you leave the disputing custody between your boyfriend and his ex. and so what if she is taking them on vacation? dont you think the children deserve a nice vacation? instead of complaining that you will have no time with them while they are on vacation why dont you be happy for them that they are spending some nice quality time having fun on a nice vacation with their mother? and how is the ex winning anything? lets see, the children are old enough to be in school so there goes 8 hours of her day without them, they are with thier dad for an hour there is 9 hours a day she is losing time with them, lets see she probably has a full time job too, right there is munus more time with them... and just wondering how did you write a detailed schedule of when each parent wakes and sleeps? you dont know what time she gets up and goes to bed. she could get up at 4 am and not even get to bed till late getting the childrens things around for school and to be with you and their father. i think you need to cut the ex some slack and respect her for everything she is doing for the kids. you sound like an immature little girl. if you want my advice.. get out of the relationship because you arent mature enough to have a serious relationship. and stop trying to get in between the custody stuff, its really none of your business..

 

 

like i said before i am not trying to be mean or make anyone mad i am just expressing my opinion



 

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#42 of 56 Old 12-18-2011, 01:06 PM
 
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i dont understand how this is not helpful its his problem not hers he should be the one to decide what he wants to do for himself she needs to just stay out of it.. my husband has a child from a previous relationship he pays child support for that child, i am not involved in their custody agreement or their support agreement because thats between them... thats what she needs to do.

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#43 of 56 Old 12-18-2011, 02:43 PM
 
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Since nothing is in black and white and what works for some doesn't work for others and wait one more, your way isn't always the right way... telling someone they shouldn't be involved at all is a little unfair.  Infact it appears as though she's only supporting him and then asking questions here and is not involved in the actual decision making between the parents.  You just didn't need to come off so harsh.  Every situation is unique, if you ask around there are lots of step parents here that share frustration with these kind of issues. 

 

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i dont understand how this is not helpful its his problem not hers he should be the one to decide what he wants to do for himself she needs to just stay out of it.. my husband has a child from a previous relationship he pays child support for that child, i am not involved in their custody agreement or their support agreement because thats between them... thats what she needs to do.



 

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#44 of 56 Old 12-19-2011, 11:01 AM
 
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i never said that i didnt understand being frustrated with these issues... i am one of them... my husband has a son with his exgirlfriend, he pays her child support money every pay check, and yes its court ordered, because she took him for the support when his son was... three months old, which was 2 weeks after he married me, and now because he is married, and has three other children with me, she refuses to let him see his son or have anything to do with his son.. and i stay out of it, i support my husband through whatever choices he wants to make regauarding this, because its not my business, all that is my business is that my husband isn't getting his heart broken because she is a bitch, and that my children are not involved in the mess either. everything he does regurading the issue is his decision to make and yes i tell him i want no part of the descisions when it comes to this because he is not my son it's his son.. and his to make decisions about, if my husband and i ever split and he got a girlfriend and she tried to make decisions for my kids and try to decide whats best for them and to do as much with them as the girl that wrote this on here does, your damn right they would be spending a hell of a lot less time with him. they are his responsiblity to care for while they are in his care, not hers. and no im not trying to be mean or sound harsh but thats life.. if you cant deal with some peoples opinions then dont air it on the internet and ask for them.

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#45 of 56 Old 12-19-2011, 11:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You still have no clue. It definitely WOULD be your business if your husband's ex was constantly changing the schedule around and demanding he pick the kids up at weird times (6am, 10pm, etc...), at the last minute and screwing up your plans and things you've planned to do with your husband and your kids. It sounds like you don't have to deal with any schedule issues since she is trying to keep the child away from your husband, so you have no idea what it's like. As far as my BF taking care of his kids...what if I didn't exist? He'd still need to find childcare on days he has the kids, and we both feel it is important for them to stay in the home since they get bounced around enough already (so daycare/after-school care would not be the preferred option, but having his parents come over and watch the kids would. They'd get to stay home and they'd get to see dad at breakfast, lunch and when he got home. I just happen to be here now, so no need for his parents to come over unless they want to).

Your life sound terrible. Married people should be partners and discuss decisions with each other, not hide their head in the sand because they don't want to deal with their partner's baggage. He always is able to make the ultimate decision when it comes to his kids, but yeah, I do expect him to talk to me about it and tell me what's going on.

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#46 of 56 Old 12-19-2011, 08:12 PM
 
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Oh, that's interesting.  Tell us more.
 

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Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

my husband has a son with his exgirlfriend, he pays her child support money every pay check, and yes its court ordered, because she took him for the support when his son was... three months old, which was 2 weeks after he married me



 

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ok im sorry hun im not trying to be mean or sound like i am but what is this "us" and "we" crap? they are not your children you are just the girlfriend you are nothing to the children involved... you sound like an immature little girl. if you want my advice.. get out of the relationship because you arent mature enough to have a serious relationship. and stop trying to get in between the custody stuff, its really none of your business.

 

Certainly, some "girlfriends" are just a transient part of the dad's - and the children's - lives.  But, regardless what you may think of this, these days it's a fact that:

#1 - Many marriages are just as transient as BF/GF relationships; and

#2- Many couples never get married and still stay together for years - or for life.

None of us know the quality, history, parameters or future of PixieAlly's relationship.  But if she cares this much about her BF's time with the kids (by extension, the kids' time with her), it's only reasonable for us to assume she's committed to this family arrangement.  

 

Besides, she hasn't asked us whether or not we think she should get married.  She has described a genuinely frustrating situation where her BF is being denied a reasonable request for parenting time and wonders what recourse he has, before the holidays are over and done? Plenty of step-moms (or GFs in a step-mom role) discuss such things on MDC, on their significant others' behalf.  This is a good forum for getting ideas from other women who may have been in your shoes.  I think it's less common for men to participate in forums like this.  It's fine to support your partner by researching his options.

 

E.g., my husband juggles working, with being an involved parent and step-parent, and tackling major projects around the house.  My workload is different: my "job" right now is parenting, plus smaller household tasks that can more easily be stopped and restarted when it's convenient.  So when DH needs to know what his custody orders (or our state guidelines, or case law) say about a situation with my step-son; or what an airline's policy is about DSS's travel; or when he needs ideas on how to handle a difficult situation with his ex, it is easier for me to do the research.  I have even helped write things for him, for court.  I'm good (or at least thorough), at writing - which is time-consuming!  But the desires and concerns are still his and he is the one taking action!  I am supporting him, as his partner in life...and parenting!

 

It's fine for families to handle this in different ways.  But I strongly suspect that if your DH's ex let him see more of his kid, you would feel more like your DSS was part of your family (as well as the ex's family, of course!); and you'd feel less that he was your DH's concern - and his alone.  I think you'd feel more like your DH's relationship with his son; your DSS's needs and his time with your family - was deeply important to both of you.

 

like i said before i am not trying to be mean or make anyone mad i am just expressing my opinion

 

But you chose to express it with mean words and that does rub people the wrong way, here.


  Quote:

Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

i dont understand how this is not helpful its his problem not hers he should be the one to decide what he wants to do for himself she needs to just stay out of it.. my husband has a child from a previous relationship he pays child support for that child, i am not involved in their custody agreement or their support agreement because thats between them... thats what she needs to do.

 

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Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

i never said that i didnt understand being frustrated with these issues... i am one of them... my husband has a son with his exgirlfriend, he pays her child support money every pay check, and yes its court ordered, because she took him for the support when his son was... three months old, which was 2 weeks after he married me, and now because he is married, and has three other children with me, she refuses to let him see his son or have anything to do with his son.. and i stay out of it, i support my husband through whatever choices he wants to make regauarding this, because its not my business, all that is my business is that my husband isn't getting his heart broken because she is a bitch, and that my children are not involved in the mess either.

 

Yes, well when a father who loves his children and wants to be an involved parent is denied reasonable (and court-ordered!) access to them, and denied ANY time to celebrate holidays with them (after all, PixieAlly's BF has only pushed for 2 of the 10 days of their winter break and isn't even asking for Christmas Day)...

* That DOES break his heart!  

* His ex IS being (...let's say "rotten").  Not only to him, but to the child!  

* And, when people approach their blended family as a family - when they encourage the siblings (step-, half-, or otherwise) to feel like siblings, the denied contact with one sibling DOES hurt the others!  It does.

 

everything he does regurading the issue is his decision to make and yes i tell him i want no part of the descisions when it comes to this because he is not my son it's his son.. and his to make decisions about... 

 

That PixieAlly takes the time to research her BF's options for him does not mean the desire for action comes primarily from her, or that she's pushing her BF to do anything, or telling him how to parent.

 

 

 

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#48 of 56 Old 12-20-2011, 06:41 AM
 
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Well said Jeannine!

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#49 of 56 Old 12-20-2011, 06:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree!

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Well said Jeannine!



 

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#50 of 56 Old 12-20-2011, 11:20 AM
 
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i dont bury my head in the sand and i have had to deal with his baggage since day 1 because she was pregnant when him and i started dating, and yes i knew she was pregnant, and they had not been together for almost 6 months when i met him.  as soon as she found out she was pregnant she went out the door. and i dont expect him to talk to me and have my input on almost anything, because im his wife not his mother if he wants to go play cards and drink a few beers with his brother on one of his days off then so be it, i dont care, and no my life is not horrible or bad, i happen to enjoy the way we have things in place, but i would not want him to bring a girlfriend, into his life and then have that girlfriend be discussing issues and btw i do know how hard it is when the ex changes the schedule, his son was in our life for 6 months, before she pulled the plug on his visitations, and that was at the end of ocotober in 2008 becasue she found out that i was pregnant, but before that she did change stuff on him last minute and decided not to meet us at our neutral point, and yes its annoying but what thats why your boyfriend should have things put in writing, and get the custody agreement through a court order then that would protect both his time and his childrens times, with him and nobody would be getting screwed out of it. as with my husbands ex she is an evil bitch from hell, sorry for the language there but she is horrible, she has my husbands son calling her boyfriend daddy, my husband has tried to contact her many times in the past 3 years to be a part of his life, he has called at least once a week, and still no response from her. and yes he is considering going to court and getting a custody agreement the problem with that is, our financial situation right now is not the best, as he is the only one working and i am at home with the kids, and his pay isnt exaclty the highest, so with three kids 2 and under, yes money is difficult so im hoping at least for now that someday he will be able to have that relationship with his son that he has with the son that we have together. and i feel that his son deserves the chance to get to know his 2 sisters and brother also, but i cant do anything about as i am not the childs parent and i do not have any legal rights to him like my husband does.

 

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#51 of 56 Old 12-20-2011, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well that's all fine and dandy but still no reason for you to tell me I'm an immature little girl because I want to be supportive and help my BF. Just because we don't have a stupid piece of paper saying we're married, doesn't mean I am not like a wife and mother/step mother in this household. And I don't understand your comment, "decided not to meet us at our neutral point" because you just got done saying there is no "us" when it comes to your husband and his son and decisions that are made. And I have no problems if my BF wants to go out with his friends or family after work, but he damn well better tell me he's doing so because if I spent an hour cooking dinner and no one shows up for it, it's not going to be pretty. It's called having mutual respect for each other and each others time and appreciating what you do for each other.

 


 

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i dont bury my head in the sand and i have had to deal with his baggage since day 1 because she was pregnant when him and i started dating, and yes i knew she was pregnant, and they had not been together for almost 6 months when i met him.  as soon as she found out she was pregnant she went out the door. and i dont expect him to talk to me and have my input on almost anything, because im his wife not his mother if he wants to go play cards and drink a few beers with his brother on one of his days off then so be it, i dont care, and no my life is not horrible or bad, i happen to enjoy the way we have things in place, but i would not want him to bring a girlfriend, into his life and then have that girlfriend be discussing issues and btw i do know how hard it is when the ex changes the schedule, his son was in our life for 6 months, before she pulled the plug on his visitations, and that was at the end of ocotober in 2008 becasue she found out that i was pregnant, but before that she did change stuff on him last minute and decided not to meet us at our neutral point, and yes its annoying but what thats why your boyfriend should have things put in writing, and get the custody agreement through a court order then that would protect both his time and his childrens times, with him and nobody would be getting screwed out of it. as with my husbands ex she is an evil bitch from hell, sorry for the language there but she is horrible, she has my husbands son calling her boyfriend daddy, my husband has tried to contact her many times in the past 3 years to be a part of his life, he has called at least once a week, and still no response from her. and yes he is considering going to court and getting a custody agreement the problem with that is, our financial situation right now is not the best, as he is the only one working and i am at home with the kids, and his pay isnt exaclty the highest, so with three kids 2 and under, yes money is difficult so im hoping at least for now that someday he will be able to have that relationship with his son that he has with the son that we have together. and i feel that his son deserves the chance to get to know his 2 sisters and brother also, but i cant do anything about as i am not the childs parent and i do not have any legal rights to him like my husband does.

 



 

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#52 of 56 Old 12-21-2011, 11:44 AM
 
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"us" meant my husband and i and our children because i rarely let them go anywhere without me let alone around his ex without me being present, thats not going to happen. my children are the only reason i would be present but if he didnt want our children to be there that time then thats fine it would just be him and her and thier son.

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#53 of 56 Old 12-22-2011, 12:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

i dont bury my head in the sand and i have had to deal with his baggage since day 1 because she was pregnant when him and i started dating, and yes i knew she was pregnant, and they had not been together for almost 6 months when i met him.  as soon as she found out she was pregnant she went out the door. and i dont expect him to talk to me and have my input on almost anything, because im his wife not his mother if he wants to go play cards and drink a few beers with his brother on one of his days off then so be it, i dont care, and no my life is not horrible or bad, i happen to enjoy the way we have things in place, but i would not want him to bring a girlfriend, into his life and then have that girlfriend be discussing issues and btw i do know how hard it is when the ex changes the schedule, his son was in our life for 6 months, before she pulled the plug on his visitations, and that was at the end of ocotober in 2008 becasue she found out that i was pregnant, but before that she did change stuff on him last minute and decided not to meet us at our neutral point, and yes its annoying but what thats why your boyfriend should have things put in writing, and get the custody agreement through a court order then that would protect both his time and his childrens times, with him and nobody would be getting screwed out of it. as with my husbands ex she is an evil bitch from hell, sorry for the language there but she is horrible, she has my husbands son calling her boyfriend daddy, my husband has tried to contact her many times in the past 3 years to be a part of his life, he has called at least once a week, and still no response from her. and yes he is considering going to court and getting a custody agreement the problem with that is, our financial situation right now is not the best, as he is the only one working and i am at home with the kids, and his pay isnt exaclty the highest, so with three kids 2 and under, yes money is difficult so im hoping at least for now that someday he will be able to have that relationship with his son that he has with the son that we have together. and i feel that his son deserves the chance to get to know his 2 sisters and brother also, but i cant do anything about as i am not the childs parent and i do not have any legal rights to him like my husband does.

 


You honestly have no idea what you are talking about. You should be taking advice and reading posts on this forum, not trying to give advice. I'm flagging the posts, ladies. I want to help PixieAlley have a great holiday with her family, not see these horrible comments.

 

 

 


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#54 of 56 Old 12-24-2011, 03:25 AM
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BrascosPrincess your posts are not very conducive to a comfortable discussion. I think it would be best if you step out of the conversation and perhaps start your own thread about your personal situation and feelings. 


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#55 of 56 Old 12-24-2011, 06:55 AM
 
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I'm, obviously, late to the conversation and I hope all worked out well (or, at least, better than it was going) for the Chistmas holiday.  I suspect that part of the reason you have the weird schedule of never having more than one day at a time with the children had to do with their ages at the time of the decree (at least, that's the tact I'd take with the court) and now your BF could argue that the kids are older and not only is it far easier for them to acclimate for 3 - 4 days at a time, but as they get older the likelihood that they will be involved in after-school activities increases - thus cutting into daddy time. My sister and her ex had a schedule where she had 3 days one week and 4 the next - it took some coordination to keep it all straight - but it offered more stability for the children than what your current schedule must.

 

While I feel for your BF, I sure feel for those kids (as you obviously do as well).


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#56 of 56 Old 01-10-2012, 06:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No, they were 4 and 6, so not breastfeeding or anything plus she watched them for 8.5 hours a day while he was at work, but he watched them 100% of the rest of the time (including getting up with them at night as babies with a bottle), so any separation issues should have worked both ways. We did get our way for Christmas and she has backed down some after saying we were willing to go to mediation. However, now  that I am away visiting family (and he is home alone) she seems to be trying to gain control over him again, presumably because I am not there for him to bounce things off of before responding to her  crap  (this was his revelation, not mine). I just wish she'd give it a rest. It's tiring always having to keep our  guard up. She will twist words and guilt trip him into doing things and she will berate him for doing something and then as punishment, turn around and do the same thing (for example, she got mad because his daughter told her dad said mom has to buy a bag for karate because the ex wants him to tell her those things directly, not their daughter. That is understandable. He didn't do it on purpose, he just mentioned to his daughter that would be a mom purchase. But instead of leaving it at that, the very same day she has her son call him and tell him he has to bring treats into school the next day which was something either she should have done since it was her turn to bring treats or she should have told him about. Instead he felt he could not say no to his son and rushed around getting treats ready at the last minute. Double standards constantly and he won't stand up to her unless I'm right there next to him). 

 

I definitely agree the 3 days/4 days schedule makes much more sense and I really hope when they go back to court he fights for this and wins. I don't want her to have less them, just some more stability for the kids (and us and our sanity!) Things are going better at the moment. We got engaged, the kids seem happy and like they feel my confident I am permanent. His daughter tells me she loves me every day and his son (who takes longer to warm up to people) seems tons more comfortable with me than he did just a couple weeks ago. I'm very happy the way things are progressing, but I am sure the ex is annoyed as she has to hear all about me and my daughter every time she calls them on the phone. I can't help hiding a little smile every time I hear them tell her about some "great" thing I did :D
 

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I'm, obviously, late to the conversation and I hope all worked out well (or, at least, better than it was going) for the Chistmas holiday.  I suspect that part of the reason you have the weird schedule of never having more than one day at a time with the children had to do with their ages at the time of the decree (at least, that's the tact I'd take with the court) and now your BF could argue that the kids are older and not only is it far easier for them to acclimate for 3 - 4 days at a time, but as they get older the likelihood that they will be involved in after-school activities increases - thus cutting into daddy time. My sister and her ex had a schedule where she had 3 days one week and 4 the next - it took some coordination to keep it all straight - but it offered more stability for the children than what your current schedule must.

 

While I feel for your BF, I sure feel for those kids (as you obviously do as well).


Good luck!



 

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