Birth mother gives misinformation about a doctor's appointment... How serious is this? ? / vent... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 01-13-2012, 07:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hi everyone~ So, my dsd (7) has a rash. She has had it for about 4 weeks now.  Back before she got it, she was exposed to scabies at her school ( we live 3 hours apart ) .  at that time she wasn't showing any symptoms so we continued visitation as usual--weekends and a week for Christmas Break.  her mom had taken her to a doctor to look at it previously, the doc had said, most likely its not scabies. (the concern would be that me and her dad have a four month old lo)  We took her to our doc when we had her during that week of Christmas, he also said, its not scabies (btw it doesn't itch and the bumps don't present like scabies typically does, ie. no lines) .   After she went to the doctor at her moms the first time, her mom began treating it with herbal treatments typical for scabies (ie. neem) .  We went along with this at our house.  In the meantime her mom and other sister (mom's other daughter) had also had a bit of rash, but not as severe.  We at our house, dad, me and four month old babe, never had one bump, nothing.  She went back to her moms for the other week of break.  Sometime during that week the rash got worse.  she took her back to their doc on a wednesday.  She called my dh (daughter's dad) that night and explained that *now* the doc thought it most likely WAS scabies. However, there was no referral made to a dermatologist for a skin scrape.  (odd looking back now).  I was frustrated and worried at this point. I didn't understand why they didn't get going on getting the skin scrape right away if the doc now thought it was scabies.  Based on what birth mother told dad, they decided she would stay out of school for now, and not come to our home that weekend.  By Friday dad got in touch with the mom's doc.  Although not able to talk directly with the doc (its one of those places where you can't actually talk to the doctor on the phone... EVER)  he was read the chart very carefully by a nurse.  The chart said that on the date of the second appt. the doctor did NOT think the rash was scabies.  WHAT???? He was so confused (although, birth mother has been known to outrightly lie in the past, this just didn't make sense!) .  We felt bad that dsd was going to miss a weekend with us and her little sis over misinformation from birth mother.  On monday and wed, dh called the clinic twice more trying to reach the doc directly to no avail.  But, he was read the chart again and again and told that it was right.  Also, a med practitioner claimed they had talked to the doctor about it, and no she didn't think it was scabies.  the worse part is , birth mother is completely in denial of this, claiming the chart is wrong, the doctor must have gotten the dates mixed up... and on and on and on.   finally so frustrated I txted birth mother today (we have typically NO contact), and expressed my frustration.  She admits to nothing saying she did not misinform anyone, and that now I should be grateful, because the rash is going away because she decided to treat it with a lice treatment.  Of course Im grateful that dsd is doing better, but I am very bothered about what happened.  Anyone else out there have something like this happen? The most I found out we can do is write an email to the doctor's office explaining whats going on and that will be put in dsd's chart.  there still hasn't been an appt. made for a skin scrape... so will we ever know?  I feel setting up a dermotology appt. in Feb (when we next have her for the week) is about the best we can do.  dsd also has really bad eczema which her mother fluffs off as childhood eczema, but shes over 7 now, and its only getting worse.  I feel like birth mother self diagnosed and treated (she has an herbal degree)  and just passed on what she thought was going on, instead of the truth from the doctor.  Or worse yet, maybe there is some other reason she lied, like she didn't have gas money to drive all the way for the drop off? something like that? Im sorry if this seems trite, my brain has been so bended around this that Im not sure how much of it is me just trying to figure it out, or how much of this is a really serious problem that dh should consider addressing with someone (courts, etc??) What do mamas out there think?? Sometimes we feel so helpless ...


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#2 of 14 Old 01-14-2012, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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bump... lots of folks reading, but no one's saying anything... Im beginning to think Im crazy... 


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#3 of 14 Old 01-14-2012, 07:09 PM
 
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You're not crazy, it's just that we don't know what the rash is and why mom would make it seem like it was something it wasn't doesn't make sense either.  Sorry you all are dealing with this.  I would have taken her that weekend anyway since she's been at your home and it very well could be anything.  Kids gets some gnarly rashes.  And sometimes they're never explained. 

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#4 of 14 Old 01-14-2012, 07:37 PM
 
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I'd have your DH schedule an appointment with the dermatologist and request that her records from the other doctor's office be transferred before the appointment in February. While your DH may not be able to get the doctor on the phone himself, if another doctor calls about a patient, the doc will take the call or call them back. If her mother wants to know why DH scheduled an appointment, just have him tell her he wanted to follow up on it. He does have that right.

 

I'd be bothered too. Since her mother won't give you the correct information, deal with it accordingly. If it was something as simple as not having gas money to transport her daughter for a visit, she should just say so. 

 

I've never had DSS's BM lie about anything medical. She did however refuse to allow DH to get DSS vaccination until he was 16 months old. DH and I both believe in vaxing, yeah yeah. We do. But BM had no actual REASON that was logically explained other than the fact that she just didn't want to take him (laziest person I know, literally). So. She finally gave consent when he was 16 months and he is up to date thus far. 

 

Good luck.


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#5 of 14 Old 01-14-2012, 09:03 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamareba View Post

hi everyone~

So, my dsd (7) has a rash. She has had it for about 4 weeks now.  Back before she got it, she was exposed to scabies at her school ( we live 3 hours apart ) .  at that time she wasn't showing any symptoms so we continued visitation as usual--weekends and a week for Christmas Break.  her mom had taken her to a doctor to look at it previously, the doc had said, most likely its not scabies. (the concern would be that me and her dad have a four month old lo)  We took her to our doc when we had her during that week of Christmas, he also said, its not scabies (btw it doesn't itch and the bumps don't present like scabies typically does, ie. no lines) .   After she went to the doctor at her moms the first time, her mom began treating it with herbal treatments typical for scabies (ie. neem) .  We went along with this at our house.  

In the meantime, her mom and other sister (mom's other daughter) had also had a bit of rash, but not as severe.  We at our house, dad, me and four month old babe, never had one bump, nothing.  She went back to her moms for the other week of break.  Sometime during that week the rash got worse.  she took her back to their doc on a wednesday.  She called my dh (daughter's dad) that night and explained that *now* the doc thought it most likely WAS scabies. However, there was no referral made to a dermatologist for a skin scrape.  (odd looking back now).  

I was frustrated and worried at this point. I didn't understand why they didn't get going on getting the skin scrape right away if the doc now thought it was scabies.  Based on what birth mother told dad, they decided she would stay out of school for now, and not come to our home that weekend.  By Friday dad got in touch with the mom's doc.  Although not able to talk directly with the doc (its one of those places where you can't actually talk to the doctor on the phone... EVER)  he was read the chart very carefully by a nurse.  The chart said that on the date of the second appt. the doctor did NOT think the rash was scabies.  WHAT???? He was so confused (although, birth mother has been known to outrightly lie in the past, this just didn't make sense!) .  

We felt bad that dsd was going to miss a weekend with us and her little sis over misinformation from birth mother.  On monday and wed, dh called the clinic twice more trying to reach the doc directly to no avail.  But, he was read the chart again and again and told that it was right.  Also, a med practitioner claimed they had talked to the doctor about it, and no she didn't think it was scabies.  the worse part is , birth mother is completely in denial of this, claiming the chart is wrong, the doctor must have gotten the dates mixed up... and on and on and on.   finally so frustrated I txted birth mother today (we have typically NO contact), and expressed my frustration.  She admits to nothing saying she did not misinform anyone, and that now I should be grateful, because the rash is going away because she decided to treat it with a lice treatment.  Of course Im grateful athat dsd is doing better, but I am very bothered about what happened.  

Anyone else out there have something like this happen? The most I found out we can do is write an email to the doctor's office explaining whats going on and that will be put in dsd's chart.  there still hasn't been an appt. made for a skin scrape... so will we ever know?  I feel setting up a dermotology appt. in Feb (when we next have her for the week) is about the best we can do.  dsd also has really bad eczema which her mother fluffs off as childhood eczema, but shes over 7 now, and its only getting worse.  I feel like birth mother self diagnosed and treated (she has an herbal degree)  and just passed on what she thought was going on, instead of the truth from the doctor.  Or worse yet, maybe there is some other reason she lied, like she didn't have gas money to drive all the way for the drop off? something like that?

Im sorry if this seems trite, my brain has been so bended around this that Im not sure how much of it is me just trying to figure it out, or how much of this is a really serious problem that dh should consider addressing with someone (courts, etc??) What do mamas out there think?? Sometimes we feel so helpless ...


Honestly, it seems like you are taking the word of a nurse reading a chart over the phone over the mother who was there talking to the doctor. If she's never misinformed you about healthcare issues before, I dont really understand why you think she would now. It seems to me like if you really want to know, you would have to go into the office and ask to see the chart and talk to the doctor. Also, is there a chance that mom maybe misunderstood what Dr. said? To me, it just doesnt seem like she lied. You may have more luck with people responding if you broke your OP down into paragraphs similar to how I edited it above. I (and I know a lot of other people do too) have a hard time reading a big wall of text.

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#6 of 14 Old 01-14-2012, 09:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the responses and suggestions! Yep, we are taking the word of the nurse reading the chart over birthmom's word.  It's a boy who cried wolf kind of situation. I believe its the first time its happened with a medical issue, but not the first time for lying.  

 

I suppose if the chart is corrected, than we will know the truth.  There is always that chance that she misunderstood, I agree--its just hard to imagine the doc writing one thing and birth mom coming away with the opposite idea.  Its a bummer birth mom lives three hours from us, there is no way we can go to the doctor's office during the week and they aren't open on the weekend.  

 

We have dsd now, and the rash is nearly gone... yay!

 

Most likely this will get swept under the rug like many other things in the past due to the incredibly busy lives we all lead.  

 

I was wondering about others' experiences also because I was wondering if making sure that a mistake is corrected on a chart is of utmost importance...  if it is a mistake... seems important to me, and worth the effort to make sure that the chart correctly reads what the doc intended.  

 

 


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#7 of 14 Old 01-15-2012, 05:30 AM
 
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The chart should read what the doc intended it to read.  Otherwise there will be missing history that could always be helpful down the line. 

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#8 of 14 Old 01-16-2012, 12:56 PM
 
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My DSD's mom takes DSD to the doctor frequently and either doesn't tell DH about it (in violation of the court order ... frustrating on its own) or tells DH that DSD is too sick to visit (despite DH's communications with the doctors that DSD is fine, there's nothing wrong, she's cleared to travel, she's been discharged without any symptoms of anything, etc.). It's incredibly frustrating because of the distance between us we wind up taking off work to go to the clinics to talk to doctors directly, frequently. Here too, even though it happens on an ongoing basis, we start to wonder if we're overreacting or imagining a problem where there is none and simultaneously worry to the dickens that DSD is OK. So I understand your feelings of "am I crazy?" completely.

 

I sincerely don't believe that doctors would enter the complete opposite of what they diagnose in the chart (error by omission I could see happening, but not documenting the wrong thing), and agree that I'd trust a nurse reading a chart over the phone. If a doc thinks a person has something wrong with them, they document in the patient record what they deem is wrong and what they're prescribing for the fix. Something would evidence the diagnosis, one way or another: a prescription, information shared with the parent for aftercare or what to watch for, a follow-up appointment order, a lab order, something. You should be able to submit a request for medical records from the clinic (though getting it signed to their satisfaction may be difficult if your DH can't appear in person during business hours--so suggest ideas on that front, such as having it notarized) if you want to read the chart exactly.

 

 

 

I don't think anyone would change medical records (perhaps enter additional notes, but not change what is already there) but if you do want anyone to look into it for errors, you probably need to do it very quickly. Even in the small clinic in DSD's hometown, the doctor won't share anything that isn't in the record. A mere week or two past an event and DSD's pediatrician won't stray into what she thinks she remembers, if it's not in the record.

 

Best of luck. Because of my DSD-mom experience, I read into your story and think the worst, but I really hope this was a one time misunderstanding for your DSD's sake!


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#9 of 14 Old 01-16-2012, 02:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Autumngrey... Sounds like you really know what Im talking about.  I do hope its a misunderstanding too.  I hope we find out what the truth is.  Thanks for your suggestions ! Im sorry that you have to go through this too... sounds way harder than my situation.  Have you thought about reporting it to the courts?  I would be so upset with both the lack of communication and the lying.  poor dsd! not fair to her at all ... good luck... 


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#10 of 14 Old 03-03-2012, 11:04 AM
 
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Ok, so, I am finding it hard to follow the thread of events. But, I am going to add my history with doctors and scabies. 

 

1) Doctors are AWFUL at diagnosing it.

2) Three different doctors, looking at the same rash (which turned out to be scabies) will all have different opinions. Only one will even consider scabies. 

3) Children present much less uniformly than adults; my youngest got diagnosed independently with CHICKEN POX, which turned out to be scabies. 

4) The treatment for scabies is less expensive than a skin scrape, so they only do skin scrapes when it is difficult to treat or potentially something else more imminent. 

5) The treatment for lice is the same as the treatment for scabies. 

 

We had an outbreak in our house, that came from my kids' cousins, because their dad works in a hospital and has a lot of contact with homeless people. It took over TWO MONTHS and a totalk of six doctors (different people going different doctors) to figure it out. My youngest presents with weird extra large bumps and occasionally blisters with pus instead of the usual 'lined up' small bumps. Some of us had CRAZY itching with no bumps. 

 

So, all of that put together, says to me that in this instance it is probably just a miscommunication. Since you were treating with Neem, I don't see how she was 'lying,' or even being medically negligent. 

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#11 of 14 Old 03-03-2012, 11:53 AM
 
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It sounds possible to me that she disagreed with the doctor and thought dsd did have scabies. You honestly seem to be monitoring her, trying to catch her at something, so if she did decide to treat her daughter on her own, how could she tell you? Doctors are not necessarily the final best authority on our kids' health, we still have to use our brains, and it sounds like she might have some experience with treating illness herself.

 

She may lie to you just to avoid a big scene. One missed weekend, one unclear story, and you are ready to go to court!


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#12 of 14 Old 03-03-2012, 01:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, the last two responses, ouch. I thought this was a safe place to suss out situations.  when someone lies to me over and over again it creates suspicions. its not just this once. even so, just because the word court is mentioned doesnt mean i'm "ready to go to court".  

anyway, thank you to the mamas who gave thoughtful responses. i do appreciate those!


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#13 of 14 Old 03-03-2012, 02:58 PM
 
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The only thing I'm really getting from your posts are that you are micromanaging your dsd minor medical care. It seems that dsds MOTHER took care of it and it's gone now. Btw- docs do say things that don't end up in the chart I have seen it happen many a time. Sometimes the dictation isn't done for days and by then there is a huge stack.
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#14 of 14 Old 03-04-2012, 09:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I guess like with anything, there is a lot of backstory that can not be conveyed in a post.  

 

To me, scabies, especially with a four month old in the home, is not a minor medical issue. It was really important to me and dad to know how careful we needed to be with letting the sisters cuddle, co-sleep, etc.   

 

I understand that something could have been left off the chart, and we have frustration with the doctors office over my partner NEVER being able to speak directly to the doctor about his daughter's appointment.  There was NO option for him except driving four hours to an appt to see the doctor himself.  It was very frustrating.  As the father, he should have direct access to at least speak to the doctor on the phone.  But, they had no flexibility on that.  Now dsd's mom has agreed to dad being on speaker phone for every doctor's appt. which to us feels like a great solution to this kind of  miscommunication, etc. never happening again.  

 

Thank goodness all is well now.  I still believe it was not scabies, considering from everything I've read it is VERY contagious and unlikely that only one person in the house would get it, and no one else--and it never itched her once.  So, most likely, her chart is correct, and it was some other childhood rash, which is, gratefully, gone now.  


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