Bm wants to take the skids over seas for 12 months - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 31 Old 01-20-2012, 04:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Bm wants to take the skids over seas to live for 12 months ..  Dh is about to send this to her

 

 That 12 months prior to bm leaving the skids come and live with us, until they leave.

With Bm  havine eow and half school holiday contact.

 

 

# Once the skids are back from overseas that 50/50 contact will start.

 

 

If bm doesnt agree DH will refuse to sign the passports unless court ordered to do so ..

 

 

Hope it all works out

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#2 of 31 Old 01-21-2012, 12:27 PM
 
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If I understand correctly:

* Mom doesn't plan to move for more than a year.

* Your DH wants primary custody of the kids for a full year before she moves...

* And 50/50 custody permanently, after she returns?

 

How will he visit the kids when they're overseas and who will pay for travel?

 

Is the country a signatory on the Hague Convention re International Kidnapping?  Even if it is, I'd petition the court for her to post a bond, that will be returned to her when she returns the children at the end of the year, as promised.

 

What would stop Mom from applying for citizenship for herself and the children?  A year is clearly a relocation, not a vacation.  For example, if I move to another state with my kids for a year, the new state can assume jurisdiction over their custody.  What assurances does your DH have, that this can't happen in his case?

 

I would never consider letting her do this without a court order.  Even if your DH and his ex agree to terms and file it with the court, instead of fighting over details at a hearing, there must be some avenue for enforcement of terms, which a simple agreement - even in writing - between the parties will not provide.

 

Personally, I wouldn't agree to that on any terms:

 

* If Mom lives close enough now, to offer her EOW visitation if your DH had custody for a year, then presumably the kids see your DH pretty regularly now, right?  It's not good for them to spend a year seeing him very infrequently, or not at all, if that can possibly be avoided.  If a soldier father is separated from his kids because he's sent to Afghanistan, there's an understanding that he didn't want to be away from them and a certain bond, in the mutual yearning to be reunited.  But in these circumstances, the kids would be aware their Mom felt like whatever's drawing her overseas was more important than their contact with their Dad...and they'll know your DH could stand to see them go.  Yuck!

 

* If Mom changes her mind and wants to stay, your DH might have little recourse to prevent it!  He could argue that she's breaking her commitment to him, but the court will still be more concerned with the best interests of the kids, which might not be served by uprooting them from the life and school they will have spent a year getting accustomed to; nor by taking them away from their mother, if the only thing she's done wrong is wanting to prolong an arrangement your DH agreed to.

 

* If it is acceptable for the kids to be away from a parent for a year, why can't it be her?  Why can't the kids spend that year with your DH, until she comes back?  That would provide a lot more stability for them, if you guys live near Mom.  And asking for them to stay here and maintain their lives and friendships, while she goes, will be A LOT easier to get a judge to agree to, than asking to bring them back from overseas after a year, if Mom decides to stay.

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#3 of 31 Old 01-22-2012, 01:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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She wants to go on a teacher exchange So she will have to come back. Thanks for the feed back and for the points I haunt thought about
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#4 of 31 Old 01-22-2012, 06:01 AM
 
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Well, my biggest concern would be that it would be a bit confusing to the kids to change custody schedules 3 years in a row-BUT it would also be a really cool experience for them (hopefully) to live overseas for a year and experience a new language, culture, etc. (assuming of course, as Jeannine pointed out, that you can trust the mom to bring them back.) I know dp would have a hard time not seeing his daughter for most of a year, but I would guess that he would say yes since it would be such a great experience. What is your custody schedule now? would your dsk's mom put it all in writing ahead of time so there was no argument when she came back? Do you think your skids will handle the changes okay? I would try to build in some transition time between you having them primarily for the year and mom having them primarily and then again when they start 50/50 so it is not too abrupt each time.  Good luck!


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#5 of 31 Old 01-22-2012, 10:48 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Prin View Post

 

Bm wants to take the skids over seas to live for 12 months ..  Dh is about to send this to her

 

 That 12 months prior to bm leaving the skids come and live with us, until they leave.

With Bm  havine eow and half school holiday contact.

 

 

# Once the skids are back from overseas that 50/50 contact will start.

 

 

If bm doesnt agree DH will refuse to sign the passports unless court ordered to do so ..

 

 

Hope it all works out


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Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post

If I understand correctly:

* Mom doesn't plan to move for more than a year.

* Your DH wants primary custody of the kids for a full year before she moves...

* And 50/50 custody permanently, after she returns?

 

How will he visit the kids when they're overseas and who will pay for travel?

 

Is the country a signatory on the Hague Convention re International Kidnapping?  Even if it is, I'd petition the court for her to post a bond, that will be returned to her when she returns the children at the end of the year, as promised.

 

What would stop Mom from applying for citizenship for herself and the children?  A year is clearly a relocation, not a vacation.  For example, if I move to another state with my kids for a year, the new state can assume jurisdiction over their custody.  What assurances does your DH have, that this can't happen in his case?

 

I would never consider letting her do this without a court order.  Even if your DH and his ex agree to terms and file it with the court, instead of fighting over details at a hearing, there must be some avenue for enforcement of terms, which a simple agreement - even in writing - between the parties will not provide.

 

Personally, I wouldn't agree to that on any terms:

 

* If Mom lives close enough now, to offer her EOW visitation if your DH had custody for a year, then presumably the kids see your DH pretty regularly now, right?  It's not good for them to spend a year seeing him very infrequently, or not at all, if that can possibly be avoided.  If a soldier father is separated from his kids because he's sent to Afghanistan, there's an understanding that he didn't want to be away from them and a certain bond, in the mutual yearning to be reunited.  But in these circumstances, the kids would be aware their Mom felt like whatever's drawing her overseas was more important than their contact with their Dad...and they'll know your DH could stand to see them go.  Yuck!

 

* If Mom changes her mind and wants to stay, your DH might have little recourse to prevent it!  He could argue that she's breaking her commitment to him, but the court will still be more concerned with the best interests of the kids, which might not be served by uprooting them from the life and school they will have spent a year getting accustomed to; nor by taking them away from their mother, if the only thing she's done wrong is wanting to prolong an arrangement your DH agreed to.

 

* If it is acceptable for the kids to be away from a parent for a year, why can't it be her?  Why can't the kids spend that year with your DH, until she comes back?  That would provide a lot more stability for them, if you guys live near Mom.  And asking for them to stay here and maintain their lives and friendships, while she goes, will be A LOT easier to get a judge to agree to, than asking to bring them back from overseas after a year, if Mom decides to stay.


These read to me like treating the children like property instead of human beings and considering what is best for the children. So much could be learnt and experienced by the children being immersed in another culture for a year. Unless you have valid substantiated concerns about the mother not returning there is so much you can do to make a year abroad a wonderful experience for the children.   Many a judge would order that the children be allowed to go with their mother. Seeing how very much can be gained by the children and knowing parents that are commited to maintaining a strong bond with their children will go the extra mile to do so. We all know a year passes so very quickly. Prin a good family court judge would see your husbands demands as a bribe and you could lose a lot more then you hope to gain.

 

But instead of making it into a court battle think of the possibilities this opens for all of you. If and your husband were to decided to travel to the children and holiday you could have an international family vacation for a fraction of the cost it would be for you to fly everyone from America.

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#6 of 31 Old 01-22-2012, 03:22 PM
 
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My father went overseas for a year when I was 12, by the time he got back I didn't really know who he was anymore.

 

The bond was severely damaged, I'd forgotten how to rely on him.

 

A year might fly by for an adult but it doesn't for a child

 

If it's financially viable I would tell her to go and send the children to holiday with her

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#7 of 31 Old 01-22-2012, 04:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by aus5 View Post

My father went overseas for a year when I was 12, by the time he got back I didn't really know who he was anymore.

 

The bond was severely damaged, I'd forgotten how to rely on him.

 

A year might fly by for an adult but it doesn't for a child

 

If it's financially viable I would tell her to go and send the children to holiday with her


My father spent a year overseas, too - when I was 10.  (The OP's step-daughters are 11, right?)  But his was a military assignment.  We knew for certain he didn't want to be away from us and was counting the days to coming home.  That sense of common purpose helped maintain the bond.  I think it's a whole different dynamic when one parent thinks the novelties of a foreign country outweigh regular contact with the other parent and when the other parent is willing to accept the distance without a fight.  I agree:  maintain the kids' life and let Mom come back and visit, if she wants to be gone for a year...of course, if she is the one having to be separated from the kids, she may well decide the exchange program isn't a priority, or can wait 'til they're in college.

 


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#8 of 31 Old 01-22-2012, 04:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy View Post


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These read to me like treating the children like property instead of human beings and considering what is best for the children. So much could be learnt and experienced by the children being immersed in another culture for a year. Unless you have valid substantiated concerns about the mother not returning there is so much you can do to make a year abroad a wonderful experience for the children.   Many a judge would order that the children be allowed to go with their mother. Seeing how very much can be gained by the children and knowing parents that are commited to maintaining a strong bond with their children will go the extra mile to do so. We all know a year passes so very quickly. Prin a good family court judge would see your husbands demands as a bribe and you could lose a lot more then you hope to gain.

 

But instead of making it into a court battle think of the possibilities this opens for all of you. If and your husband were to decided to travel to the children and holiday you could have an international family vacation for a fraction of the cost it would be for you to fly everyone from America.

People are entitled to different priorities than I have.  But I definitely do not think of children as property.  In divorce, at best kids are getting half the time with each parent that they might get if the parents still lived together.  In many cases, they spend significantly less time with Dad.  I think that time, that relationship, the involvement of both parents is more important than the wonder of immersing yourself in another culture.  Take a long summer vacation somewhere foreign.  Let your kid be an exchange student when they're older.  

 

That's really the point, I think.  College and occasionally high school kids spend a semester, or an entire year, abroad, without their parents.  But 11-year-olds don't, because they still need their parents.  But it's OK for Mom to take them away from Dad for a year...because Dad isn't as important as the cultural experience?  I flat out disagree.
 

 

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#9 of 31 Old 01-22-2012, 05:07 PM
 
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I think it would be beneficial for them to be away from any step parent that refers to them as "skids," regardless of what country they will reside in or length of time away.  

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#10 of 31 Old 01-22-2012, 05:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Update.

 

Bm will not allow the twins to spend anymore than 52 nights a year with DH..  

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#11 of 31 Old 01-23-2012, 06:45 AM
 
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The she won't be teaching overseas.

 

Seriously, kids can be OK with the separation.  Military families do it all the time. However, it sounds like mom isn't willing to give any.  She wants to teach overseas more for herself and the experience.  She can do this when the kids are adults.

 

IMO, three different residences in three years is more disturbing than mommy being gone for a year. 

 

Also -- skids??  really sounds like you are calling them feces verses step-kids.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Prin View Post

 

Bm will not allow the twins to spend anymore than 52 nights a year with DH..  



Really? I have my DS 70% of the time, and his dad has him more than that! Sounds like your DH needs to get into court and get at least a standard schedule.

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#13 of 31 Old 01-23-2012, 08:48 AM
 
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I think his proposed flipping around of custody could be difficult for the kids...or not depending on them.  It does sound like she is trying to be really stingy with visitation and he might get better in court.  How do the kids feel about going abroad for a year?  Do you guys live very close together so that if custody becomes more equal the kids will be being put first as far as their school and activities and friends and stuff?  

 

The  bm and skids thing really bothers me too.  She is not their birth mother she raises them and is their mother every day.  Dsk, or dsd and dss are just as easy to type and remember as skid.

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I think it would be beneficial for them to be away from any step parent that refers to them as "skids," regardless of what country they will reside in or length of time away.  


Come on, people!  She has to adopt everyone else's abbreviations immediately?  She's new and a woman of few words.  I assumed skids meant step-kids.  Didn't you?  And she's far from the first person on here to distinguish herself from the kids' actual mother by calling her biomom - or bm.  

 

And technically all of us actual mothers who didn't adopt are the biomoms!  

 

Explain to her why those abbreviations offend people on here.  Don't go off the deep end and assume you know that her husband's kids are better off away from him because of how she abbreviates. Sheesh!

 

So, Prin:

 

People on Mothering generally balk at the term Bio-Mom, partly because it shares an abbreviation with bowel movement; also because it's what mothers who give up their kids for adoption are called.  People here generally agree that it's disrespectful to suggest that our husband's exes - who more often than not raise the kids a majority of the time - have no more connection to the kids than a woman who gives her kids up for adoption; that she contributes no more than her DNA.

 

While I would never use the term skids, if you can ignore all its other connotations (being on the skids, skid-marks, skidding out) it could be seen as kind of a cute-sounding word.  It makes me think of my two friends who each named their sons Jax.  If you can forget the misspelling and the game with the metal thingies and the bouncy-ball, it sounds like a cute word.  Regardless, quite obviously people will tend to be more concerned with the negative connotations.associated with skids.  People on here tend to use DSS, DSD or DSC (dear step-son/daughter/child).

 

Is the 52 days/year related to some cut-off in calculating child support amounts?  When my DSS's mom had custody, it took multiple court orders to force her to comply with overnight visits.  Of course, child support here is calculated based on how many overnights per year a child spends with each parent.  The lower one parent's number, the greater a percentage of their income they pay (more or less).

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#15 of 31 Old 01-23-2012, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Bio Mother, is wanting DH to have zero contact for the 12 months no skype no phone contact.

 

She is wanting to serve him with court when she gets home.  With I want to take the kids over seas to some country for 12 months at some time after 2014...   Good Luck ..

 

 

Yes 52 night is because of Child Support and Family Tax ...

 

 

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#16 of 31 Old 01-23-2012, 03:19 PM
 
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Unless your dh is bad enough to lose all custody your dsc mother will not get  a judge to order that.

 

What make you think she is demanding no phone/skype.  If he has visitation now it just doesn't seem rational.

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#17 of 31 Old 01-23-2012, 06:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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From her last text msg..   Stating that she would rather dh have zero contact and this is a way of doing it..

 

Yes, Bio mother isnt the smarted cookie. 

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I don't know if you're reading the replies here or not but I'd like to reiterate that the term "Bio Mother" is offensive.

 

Yes, it may be technically correct but wouldn't it sound strange if I were to pick up my child from somewhere and say "hi, I'm here to pick up Child's Name, I'm her Biological Mother"?

I imagine they would probably be wary of handing her over!

 

You're talking about their custodial parent, not a woman who hasn't taken care of them for a single day since birth.

 

Your hostility towards her is obvious

Step-mothers here will not join you in your hostility, a lot of them are "bio mothers" themselves and all of them are trying to make peace with the other half of their family.

Respectfully, It doesn't look like you're there yet

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Yes, Bio mother isnt the smarted cookie. 



LOL!

 

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Originally Posted by aus5 View Post

I don't know if you're reading the replies here or not but I'd like to reiterate that the term "Bio Mother" is offensive.

 

Yes, it may be technically correct but wouldn't it sound strange if I were to pick up my child from somewhere and say "hi, I'm here to pick up Child's Name, I'm her Biological Mother"?

I imagine they would probably be wary of handing her over!

 

You're talking about their custodial parent, not a woman who hasn't taken care of them for a single day since birth.

 

Your hostility towards her is obvious

Step-mothers here will not join you in your hostility, a lot of them are "bio mothers" themselves and all of them are trying to make peace with the other half of their family.

Respectfully, It doesn't look like you're there yet


 so right!

 

When I read the reply about how moms are technically bio-moms after all, I'm like, yeah, but when I pick up my kid from preschool, he doesn't yell, 'bio mom! Bio mom!!' as he's running for me.

 

And I won't accept "skids" as an innocent, oh I didn't know how that sounded, abbreviation.    That abbreviation doesn't need an explanation as to why it is offensive. It is meant to be offensive.  

 

And even if i had major issues with my step kids, I can't imagine disrespecting my partner in that way. He would be so hurt and angry if anyone referred to his children like that. 

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#21 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 03:11 AM
 
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THANK YOU!  I cringe each time I hear that bio mom remark. I would throw a fit if my xh ever referred to me in that manner.


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#22 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 03:55 AM
 
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From her last text msg..   Stating that she would rather dh have zero contact and this is a way of doing it..

 

Yes, Bio mother isnt the smarted cookie. 


I can't see any judge allowing her to leave the country with them.  It might be good for y'all if she does go to court  so your dh can ask for more suitable visitation.  Im not a fan of 50/50 but i think your visits could only increase if she's allowing only 52 nights a year. 

 

I don't think the op meant anything disrespectful to the kids and if you look around this forum you will see biomom, bm and skids used- biomom/bm is used a lot and I see skids occasionally.  It's like nails on a chalk board to me and I feel instantly less sympathetic to the person using it just won't go away around here.  There is nothing extra offensive about this op and they were trying to work with the mom.  

 

 

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#23 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 04:55 AM
 
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The MOTHER of your step children will probably have a hard time taking them for a full year with no contact.  It does sound like she is the custodial parent if the children are only at your home 52 nights per year.  Depending on the judge and situation she may be able to get a court to allow her to take them for the school year.  I guess I'm reading it wrong she went from letting them live with their father ( and you) for a year then taking them for a year now wanting no contact for a year.  That sounds odd.  Maybe mediation would be in order between the childrens mother and father.

 

Your terms are offensive in this forum  

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#24 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 07:02 AM
 
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Bio-mom and birth-mom can be two different things in surrogacy.  I can't get my panties in a MDC knot over this.

 

Why is being a biomom bad?  Are they less people because they may or may not be parenting.

 

I am my kids bio, birth, and mom mom.  However, my best friend is just her kids mom because bio/birth mom gave them up. 

 

My dh is my son's dad but not bio or birth dad -that person abandoned him. My dh almost finds being call my son's step dad offensive. However, sometimes it is used to explain a blended family. 

 

What if the OP was the step mom but did all the mothering (just like my dh)?  I have cousins that were 6mths,2,4,6 when their biomom died.  They have great love for her but their mom was legally their stepmom. It is offensive to say that because she was a step she is less, and it is offensive to say that their biomom meant nothing - but the to younger ones have no relationship and don't feel their biomom was their mom, but she was/is important to them - but a different mothering status that should not be degraded because it is assumed biomom = less.

 

What about lesbian couples?  Or Gay couples? 

 

We had lesbian friends that birth-mom was not biomom.  Due to incompetent cervix the partner carried the egg. They were both the mom's but neither got offended when the situation needed explaining - medical and curiosity. 

 

Don't be insecure with a true title.....in blended parenting sometimes more precise language is needed.  And being biomom should never be or become an offensive title because you are making biomom's less of people and something dirty and wrong. 

 

OP....I know you didn't know about skids...but typically it is derogatory.  Many of us step kids see it as the step parents making us less or different from the biological sets. 

 

OP...unless your dh is a bad parent judges typically do not allow overseas travel without some sort of security that the parent will come back (ie, military moves).  They will question visitation and communication.  Keep any messages, especially things like no skyping.  This shows purposeful effort to cut dad out of their life.  I think the ex and your dh is wrong about child tax credits and the such. 

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#25 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 07:19 AM
 
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No. As an adoptee and a divorced mother whose kids have a step mom I disagree and will get on a soap box about it.  No No NO.  A birth mom or bio mom is not the right word for what I am. I am my kids mom just because my xpos got remarried does not change what I am. I am MOM. She is the one with the ammended title- STEP MOM.

I will most likely be a STEP MOM Someday- and I will never refer to her mother as BIO MOM


mdcblog5.gifsaynovax.giffambedsingle2.gifhomebirth.jpg

 

 

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#26 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 07:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

No. As an adoptee and a divorced mother whose kids have a step mom I disagree and will get on a soap box about it.  No No NO.  A birth mom or bio mom is not the right word for what I am. I am my kids mom just because my xpos got remarried does not change what I am. I am MOM. She is the one with the ammended title- STEP MOM.

I will most likely be a STEP MOM Someday- and I will never refer to her mother as BIO MOM



 

This.

 

There is no person new to a child's life that is so important as to amend the title of Mom. Amending that title with that descriptor implies the mother has an equivalent with another descriptor. She doesn't, and it's offensive to many to suggest that she does.

 

 

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#27 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 12:12 PM
 
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Can't someone create a sticky or something for this issue so that when it comes up again (as it inevitably does), someone can just link to the sticky? 

 

Then posters can move on to discussing the point actually at issue without boring everyone by further flagellating the dry, dessicated remains of an extremely dead horse.

 

OP -- good luck.  Do you have counsel?


I support homebirth that meets the qualifications set forth in the AAP's 2013 policy on homebirth.

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#28 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 04:15 PM
 
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Come on, people!  She has to adopt everyone else's abbreviations immediately?  She's new and a woman of few words.  I assumed skids meant step-kids.  Didn't you?  And she's far from the first person on here to distinguish herself from the kids' actual mother by calling her biomom - or bm.  

 

I figured OP meant step-kids and I didn't think twice about her refering to the mom as BM. I am distrurbed how many members are "bashing" her first attempt to use this forum, when she is new member and maybe new to the forum community and just isn't familiar with the PC acronyms to use.

 

I've been on various forums for 10+ years, but am new to parenting forums. There are so many acronyms used on this site that I have to guess what they mean, ask someone or try to look it up.

 

In regards to original post, one of my good friends took their kids over-seas (military assignment) and it was court-ordered they pay for the kids to come back home for a 3 week visit during the year they are gone. I would guess a judge isn't going to let the mom take the kids over-seas with no contact for 12 months, unless there is a custody issue.


DS ( 9/2010) and TTC #2 fingersx.gif

 

 

 

 

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#29 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 04:45 PM
 
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 so right!

 

When I read the reply about how moms are technically bio-moms after all, I'm like, yeah, but when I pick up my kid from preschool, he doesn't yell, 'bio mom! Bio mom!!' as he's running for me.

 

And I won't accept "skids" as an innocent, oh I didn't know how that sounded, abbreviation.    That abbreviation doesn't need an explanation as to why it is offensive. It is meant to be offensive.  

 

And even if i had major issues with my step kids, I can't imagine disrespecting my partner in that way. He would be so hurt and angry if anyone referred to his children like that. 

Yes, fine.  In my family it is the same.  I would never feel comfortable using that term, neither would my DH.  but different families have different senses of humor.  Different people have a different grasp of the language, too.  Do we know for sure Prin is a native English speaker?

 

I'm just saying - explain why most MDC members use or don't use certain terms.  Just don't assume someone's kids shouldn't be around their Dad because his wife uses terminology you don't like.
 

 


One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#30 of 31 Old 01-24-2012, 04:52 PM
 
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I assumed the best, until OP kept using the term (multiple times) even after being told it was offensive

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