How to deal with ex's SO and parental alienation. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 05-28-2012, 01:30 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm new here, looking for support from other mom's who understand the situation.


I have three children with my ex, 11 yo DS, 4 yo DD, 2 yo DS.


We split due to domestic violence two and a half years ago (he landed me in the hospital). He moved on quickly, or rather moved in with the woman he had been cheating with.



This woman has been obsessed with me since day one and lately she has gotten worse, the threats, the bad mouthing, the games are getting worse. My lawyer googled her name and was shocked by her postings, this woman rants about how terrible a mother I am, how my children are perfect because of her, how she wants to beat the $h!! out of me, how my children do not love me, she makes them call her mom etc. She even posted something about me on my birthday (I don't know or care when her birthday is and I don't post about her nearly daily or really at all, this is the first posting about the woman I have done and that's because I'm at the end of my rope).


I really don't care what they do unless our children are involved. They have an unstable relationship and have broken up (and called police on each other about 30 times in the past 2 and a half years)


We have court ordered visitation (we agreed on it in January when they were split up). He filed for a modification of visitation for every weekend and every day that the children are not in school, for our youngest and said he wanted no visitation with our oldest (SO and oldest DS fight, dad was given a choice by the GAL, son or SO, he chose SO), I filed a motion to dismiss based on the fact that there have been no significant changes in circumstances. 


I am honestly not the bitter ex, she posts so much all over the internet about the situation, lies about me, threats etc. I had been ignoring her (not looking at her pages etc.) but, my lawyer said I should monitor her posts looking for evidence.


Our DD was diagnosed by a team of doctors as having Aspergers, she has received therapy for speech, ot and pt for years, dad has always objected and was over ruled by the GAL. Dad refuses to continue therapy practices during his time and refuses to keep DD's schedule, will not put DD to bed before 11 and refuses to use the medication the doctors prescribed. SO posts how I supposedly caused DD's symptoms and that the therapists and specialists only want money so they diagnosed our DD as having Aspergers.


SO has started coming to pickups and drop offs recording the entire thing, no clue why, but it is annoying. My lawyer said to let everything go and give her more rope to hang them both with. 


Really what can I do? If you read her posts on the internet (tuns of different sites) you can tell she's mentally unstable, she talks about her plans to replace me as mom, her plans to teach the children about sex, masturbation, positions etc. and you can easily tell she is obsessed with me. We go back to court Wednesday. 


Has any one else had to deal with a situation like this?

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#2 of 8 Old 05-28-2012, 01:39 PM
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It sounds like you have a really good case to get full custody.  In your situation, I would do everything in my power to get sole custody.  I'm glad you have a lawyer. 

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#3 of 8 Old 05-28-2012, 03:38 PM - Thread Starter
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That is my plan, I would love to keep the SO away from our children as well, his family agrees, his mother offered her spare rooms to him for visitations. The SO is the reason behind the petition that my lawyer motioned to be dismissed, the notary even wrote in the wrong gender (that was really funny), my lawyer said what likely happened is the SO wrote (typed and printed) the petition and ex just signed it in front of the notary. 

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#4 of 8 Old 05-29-2012, 09:03 PM
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That sounds like a really terrible situation. I don't have much advice. One thing is that I would try to stay away from accusing diagnoses of XH's SO. Focus on the behaviors but avoid turning them into diagnoses since not being able to prove she has them puts a crack in your case but the behaviors you can document/evidence are very solid. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what's wrong with her, only that she's not influencing your children in a beneficial/positive--or even neutral--way. Or rather, that the home environment where the children are with your XH has persons in it who negatively contribute to their time there. Also wrt her, don't forget that the most important issues are the ones that directly relate to the children. It's not great for you that she badmouths you all over the Internet, but if that were just her outlet so she doesn't act that way around the children it might be ignorable. Personally I'd try to keep mention of the badmouthing to a minimum so it doesn't distract from the issues that relate to the children. But if she admits in this badmouthing to degrading you to the children, that's probably good evidence to have. If she's threatening you directly, I don't know what is best but I assume it's something to bring up as a separate case/police report/whatever but that your lawyer can give advice on that.


That your DH refuses to give medication prescribed by doctors to DD is a major problem. When DD goes to bed could be a difference of parenting preferences (probably not best for her, but not clearly bad unless you've got a doctor who would submit an affidavit that it is a clear problem for her health/wellbeing), but willfully not giving a child medication prescribed by a doctor is negligence.


And yeah, I agree with giving them all the rope they want. I personally don't know what they think will come of recording the transfers other than to stress the children out. Or what she thinks could come of posting crazy things on the Internet in her own name.


My question is, has this been going on since the last motions were filed or is it new? If it's not new, why didn't it come up at the last hearing/motion for a hearing? I don't think it would generally be considered a reason to make a change if it's not new, so I'm hoping that it's a recent development for the sake of the children.


Good luck.

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#5 of 8 Old 05-30-2012, 09:15 AM
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#6 of 8 Old 06-09-2012, 06:21 PM
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Document EVERYTHING. Every single thing. Write down your notes about every interaction, save every email, text, VM, everything. Screenshots are your friend.


Go broke now. Money you save for orthodontia or college won't do you any good if your kids are alienated. Better to pay your lawyer every month with your kids in your house. I say this from bitter experience.


Eventually, your kids' dad's relationship with his SO will explode and everything may change, but in the meantime, get your kids. The medical neglect issue will probably be a huge issue in your favor.


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#7 of 8 Old 06-10-2012, 07:54 PM
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Ditto to the documenting. Every text, email, VM. If you send a text at the designated medication time as a reminder, and get no response or better yet a "F&*# you I'm not giving it to her", you wil have more documentation he is not giving her the meds. Also document anything the kids tell you - if they report that there was a fight between Ex& SO, write it down. If they tell you they went to bed at midnight, write it down. Etc.


Information - accurate details - are your best friend in this kind of situation. I wish you much luck with the whole crazy situation.

Jen - Partner to Joe, Craig, & Jordan grouphug.gif, mama to DS1 (7/13/99), DS2 (10/27/01), and DS3 (6/13/06), and DS4 born 12/13/12! Attachment Parent, co-sleeper, baby-wearer, Sudbury School founder & educator, PhD Candidate doing birth research, cloth diaper lover, GF (again), etc!novaxnocirc.gif

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#8 of 8 Old 06-12-2012, 08:46 AM
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I just want to say I'm SO sorry you are going through this. I was recently in a similar situation but nowhere to the degree you are describing. Even with more minor things, the helplessness you are feeling is horrible. Just keep doing what's best for your kids. I separated from my ex and he immediately began alienating the kids, we have three...13, 11 and 9 now but this was a couple years ago. He called me a slut and whore, told them I was a bad parent, would send them back after visits in ruined clothes refusing to replace them because I left him and should "deal with it", etc. His SO, that he met and moved in with less than two weeks after finding out about my new SO, has kids from a previous marriage that she never sees (circumstances are cloudy and never fully disclosed as to why). For a long time the kids would come back from his place just emotionally drained and angry with me. They were put into counseling shortly after the separation and are still going (my ex fought the counseling every step of the way including telling the kids their counselors were terrible and they shouldn't tell them anything). My oldest is on Prozac and my ex and his SO refused to give it to him, or treat his asthma, while he was with them (this meant taking him off meds for three week periods at a time during the summer). I could go on and on...


Luckily, my ex had a life changing moment of some sort recently. It took my new husband and I taking him back to court to get the custody revised, and thousands of dollars in legal fees of course. Now my ex has realized what he did was "wrong" and tells me "we" need to grow up and be parents. The kids are so much better now. The difference in them was immediate and very positive. I can still tell every time they come back and my ex has slipped back into bad mouthing mode but for the most part things are on the up-swing, I hope.


The best advice I can give is to be strong. As much as you might want to, don't bad mouth your ex of his SO in front of the kids. It's okay to disagree with things they have said or done but always taking the high road is something you will never regret.


Good luck to you and I'm sending positive thoughts your way!

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