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Old 06-01-2012, 08:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yesterday, almost immediately as DSS's friends and brothers began posting photos and videos of his birthday party on Facebook - before the party was even over - his mother started blowing up his phone and FB page, telling him how upset she is with his dad, how DSS needs to intervene and help her and how critical it was that he stop everything and contact her immediately.

 

She may as well have said, "I can't stand seeing you smiling and having fun with these other people and I'm going to explode if you don't turn all your attention to me and focus on how upset we both are, about being apart!"

 

A little bit of me feels sorry for her that she is so miserable and seems to feel her only salvation lies in maintaining a "soul-mate" relationship with a typical, self-centered 13-year-old boy; that it threatens her to see that he can be happy away from her and how many meaningful relationships he has, with people besides her (including the 14-year-old girl he currently considers his soul mate...).  He wishes his mom weren't upset, but he seems to be feeling less and less responsible for fixing it.  He was frank with DH and me that he was consciously avoiding responding to her yesterday, after the party.  He continued having a great time with his friends and never once seemed upset, all night.

 

Mostly, I think Good for him!  We asked Mom to come for the party.  She could have, but chose not to.  I know she has issues.  But she's not insane.  She could consider DSS's feelings, separate from her own.  Maybe seeing him have fun, even when she chose not to be part of it, will make her start.  


One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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Old 06-01-2012, 09:11 AM
 
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Have you ever considered the possibility that she may have a personality disorder? There is something seriously wrong with that woman that she has to blow up his FB and phone while he's having a bday party.

 

Good for your DSS - he's starting to see through it.

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Old 06-01-2012, 11:51 AM
 
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She may not be insane, but she's not normal. It's good that your DSS handled it well, but he shouldn't have to handle it at all. She could have such a more satisfying relationship with him if she'd just get over her own ego, it is sad. I fear it's going to get worse before it gets better too, I bet she can sense that her hold on him is slipping.

 

I have one this week, too!! For years, XH has said that he's 'on-call. 24/7' as his excuse for not being able to take a day to see the kids once a month. He finally started visits a few months ago, but he canceled one for this Saturday and he's taking the week off because his future grandmother-in-law died. Seriously?


~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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Old 06-01-2012, 01:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post

She may not be insane, but she's not normal. It's good that your DSS handled it well, but he shouldn't have to handle it at all. She could have such a more satisfying relationship with him if she'd just get over her own ego, it is sad. I fear it's going to get worse before it gets better too, I bet she can sense that her hold on him is slipping.

 

I have one this week, too!! For years, XH has said that he's 'on-call. 24/7' as his excuse for not being able to take a day to see the kids once a month. He finally started visits a few months ago, but he canceled one for this Saturday and he's taking the week off because his future grandmother-in-law died. Seriously?

Wow.

 

There should be a manual they hand out, after your first kid is born, dictating what your basic priorities should be, now that you're a parent...


One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:58 PM
 
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Yeah, except I don't think many parents have to be told "Be happy that your child is enjoying his birthday." or "Be happy that your child has good friends." Our latest court order states the bare minimums that XH must do, so we kind of do have a manual now.

 

To be clear, I don't have an issue with him rescheduling a visit or taking time off work, I think everyone should have the opportunity to support their spouse through a hard time. It's that since that is possible, his employer obviously isn't as restrictive as he led the court to believe, as we suspected. Things had to be made so stupid-easy for him to be willing to see the kids that I can't help but wonder what minor change in circumstance will make it not worth his while anymore. 


~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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Old 06-01-2012, 05:49 PM
 
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VocalMinority - Disappointed but not surprised that his mom would do that but so relieved that he is coming up with the means to cope with her crap on his own. It's too bad her behavior has and will continue to damage their relationship, but it's not his fault. Or yours/DH's. I know you know that, and I hope he is able to figure that out soon, too.

 

I keep hoping you'll find the silver bullet to get DSS's mom to be semi-normal/decent so I can do the same thing and stop the barrage of guilt trips my DSD's mom aims at her for loving her dad and wanting to see him. A girl can hope, right? bag.gif

 

The manual is unfortunately necessary to clarify to some parents "Be happy that your child is enjoying his birthday even when he spends one with his other parent." It shouldn't matter why/how everyone should be glad the child is happy but for some people it doesn't work that way. Argh. It sounds like a good pamphlet to hand out to divorcing and never-married parents except probably the ones who need it most probably don't think they need it and wouldn't read it. Double argh.


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Old 06-01-2012, 06:54 PM
 
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In my province, there's a 3 hour class that's 'mandatory' called "Parenting After Separation". I took it and it had lots of good information about how to co-parent and what to expect from the kids, etc. I don't think I needed it, but I'd already gotten some advice from victims services about being professional / not responding to drama AND I had my kids in counseling so I had support in figuring out how to explain things to them. XH hasn't taken it, and he's never been called on it.

 

I don't think there's any way to make people who are willing to stoop to playing with a child emotions like that to act decent, unfortunately. 


~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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Old 06-02-2012, 02:30 PM
 
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Good Lord. 


Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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Old 06-04-2012, 05:50 AM
 
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My partner and I took the Parenting after Separation course too. It confirmed that our side is doing it right.

 

It is hard to remember that we can't control the other parents. My ex and I get along wonderfully except when he gets a new girlfriend and then he copes attitude with me and gets a little unpredictable in terms of how he interacts with me. Luckily, he is still good with the kids so I just have to get over it. (but I sure would like to box his ears sometimes for being such an ass!)

 

I can't imagine having the deal with an other parent that goes off on a kid on facebook during a birthday party. I think it is a testament to how well you guys are raising him that he handled it (by not addressing it) in such a tactful manner. Don't feed that behaviour and maybe it will die out someday. 

 

Happy Monday!

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Old 06-05-2012, 10:01 AM
 
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It is so unfortunate that parents choose to maniuplate their children in these ways :( We see it in our house all the time - My DSS's mom has chilled a LOT over the last 11 years, but still from time to time will pull crap like telling him "Well if you didn't spend so much time with your dad then maybe I wouldn't always feel so lonely." (she has a partner she has lived with for 10 years, she is not exactly alone). My partner's XW does all kinds of stupid things. And my sister-wife's X has abandoned his 4 kids, AGAIN. 3rd time in as many years, he disappears for months at a time.

 

In Utah, you HAVE to take the parenting class in order to finalize your divorce. Unfortunately, you don't HAVE to listen, or take any of the advice. It's true that if common sense were more common, the world would be a better place.

 

in all of these situation, I try to remind myself that the only things we can really control is what we do with the children when we have them (and work hard to take away the parental rights of the one who keeps running off!). Having a loving, respectful home, where everyone has clear responsibilities & freedoms gives them a base from which to go out and interact with the rest of the world, even their other parents. They are all loving, caring people who are learning who they are in the world. We provide enough of that, the other things become like water off a duck's back :)


Jen - Partner to Joe, Craig, & Jordan grouphug.gif, mama to DS1 (7/13/99), DS2 (10/27/01), and DS3 (6/13/06), and DS4 born 12/13/12! Attachment Parent, co-sleeper, baby-wearer, Sudbury School founder & educator, PhD Candidate doing birth research, cloth diaper lover, GF (again), etc!novaxnocirc.gif

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