he has 3,i have 1,his kids are soooo jelous and very out of control,dont listen and we spend all out time tending to all "their" problems,help!!!!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 06-04-2012, 06:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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he has 3 girls,7,9,11,two of them live with him most of the time because there mom dosnt want them,she will take them here and there just so shes looks good,but shes way to busy partying,drinking,not to mention when she dose have them,they stay at one of two houses,her boyfriends house,who is a drug dealer,they sleep on the floor or in bed with him (completly inapropriate)or across the street at her friends house,wich is EXTREMLY dirty and not even good living conditions for a pig,were trying to get social services involved so we dont have to send them anymore,but its hard because they are native and the "native social services" dosnt like to take kids away,they just turn there head the other way,none the less were not going to stop.we will eventually win.

however,they are having a hard time adjusting to there mom and dad not being together,and its just devistates them when they call there mom and wanna see her and she says no,they know there mom dosnt really want anything to do with them,its so sad,there dad has always worked and taken care of them mostly while she partied,therfor they are most attached to there dad than her,they have said they love there dad more,then along comes me and my son,they like me,like me being around,like all of us doing stuff but dont like that were "together" they do lots of stuff like throw fits right before bed when they spend the night,so he goes in there and talks to them about it for an hour,then there getting attention,even tho they get looots of attention,the problems are usually just watever they can grab at so they can be upset.they have hoorrrrible attitudes,they walk all over there dad,throw fits till they get what they want.he spends all his time dealing with them that leaves no time for us.all i want is for all of us to be a family,we told them that we will all be moving in together,they said they want to go live with there mom,everytime they say they want to see there mom i say ok call her,there mom always says no,shes busy.soo living with there mom wont happen,plus shes refuses to work so cant take care of them anyways.

im very strict with my son,he listesns when i say something,but i refuse to have three pre teen girls to walk all over us and run our lives,he are the adults,we are the parents and im not going to live like that,we just dont know what to do,im in need of some desprate help!!!!!!maybe someone out there is in a similar situation and could give me some adive,someone who has been there,or someone who has some sudjestions,im a very good mom and have done a good job with my son,but iv been there for him since day one,how do u start parenting kids who are that old already,especially there dad to who knows that things with them need to change,we agree we need to be on the same page and stick to our guns but we just need a plan,some advice or something

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#2 of 4 Old 06-05-2012, 04:26 AM
 
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I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but in your shoes I'd think long and hard about moving in with him anytime soon.  If you're not living together yet, I assume you're not married.  So living as a family is still a choice at this stage, no matter how much you love him.  

 

There is no avoiding the fact that living with three emotionally-needy, out-of-control girls will influence your son's behavior in negative ways.  It may upset him to not just see, but live with their behavior; or he may try getting attention in some of the same ways, since he sees that it works for them.  You can tell your son you disapprove of the girls' behavior, but what he will see is that their parent tolerates it...and, by choosing to move your son in with all of them, you will have demonstrated your own tolerance of it.

 

Kids' resistance to a parent moving forward in a new relationship is not always a reason for the parent to hesitate.  But these particular girls are already in the middle of a mess - and they're not coping with it well.  If they were excited about you and your son doing more than just spending time with them, but actually joining their family, then doing that might add some stability and improve their situation.  But, thanks to their mother, they have good reason to feel insecure about losing interest and attention from a parent.  If you simply dating their dad (and wanting some adults-only time with him, after the kids are in bed) is already making them insecure and desperate to keep his attention, then him moving you in against their wishes will almost certainly escalate their behavior - and diminish how much they like you.  Your boyfriend needs to learn to not only get their behavior under control, but to help them trust that he's more devoted to them than their mother is, before he introduces one more distressing thing into their lives.

 

It would be great if love actually "conquered all".  But it doesn't.  If moving in together makes your boyfriend's kids act worse - and makes your son start to act out - it will strain your relationship with your boyfriend.  It's unwise to move forward in a relationship when you already know you need something to change, you need your partner to be different.  If he's not different yet (i.e., he still hasn't figured out how to get his daughters' behavior under control), he may never change.  That doesn't make him bad!  (Perhaps even Mary Poppins couldn't do better with his daughters right now, than he is.)  But his current situation is not one you would be comfortable living with - and exposing your son to - indefinitely.  You will feel like your boyfriend owes it to you, to improve his kids' behavior.  He will feel resentful, because he's already under enough stress and you knew what you were getting into, when you moved in with him.

 

If you needed a car to get to work, and fell in love with a beautiful BMW convertible a guy down the street was selling, but it didn't run, so you couldn't drive it to work...would you go ahead and buy it, then continue to complain that you had no way to get to work?  Or would you offer to buy it if the seller got it running, and if he couldn't, wipe a tear from your eye and look for a different car?

 

If your boyfriend can afford it, counselling would be good for his girls.  At the very least, he should work on giving them lots of time and attention when they're behaving and, for example when they get riled up at bedtime, being firm and not giving them an hour of attention.  You really shouldn't move your kid in with him until the girls get more secure, or he gets more confident in handling their insecurities.

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One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#3 of 4 Old 06-06-2012, 05:10 AM
 
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I have to agree that the girls should likely be in therapy to help them cope with what is going on in their lives. AND that you should step back from moving in together for the time being. That is a recipe for disaster as things stand now.

 

I wouls ==d also caution you to be very caredul what, how and when you say things about their Mom. It's obvious you don't think much of her, and it can be very easy to let those feelings come through even w/o saying anything negative. Regardless of what you think, she is still their parent, they still love her and they will grieve not having a loving relationship with her. Tread lightly.

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#4 of 4 Old 06-15-2012, 11:31 AM
 
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I third the motion on not getting leg-shackled to this trainwreck of a family. (Hi, I'm Smithie, I'm the blunt one.)

If you love this man beyond all others, then date him and sleep with him and have no others. You don't need to marry him or live in his house or try to raise another woman's damaged children in order to love this man.
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