Ex tells our kids that they should seek guidance from my fiancé, not me! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 06-16-2012, 12:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 7 Old 06-16-2012, 10:51 AM
 
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with what I know of your ex, I'd ignore him completely and simply express to your kids that it is the most ridiculous notion ever. I'm sorry that you are going to have to spend their lives countering all the nonsense, abusive ideas that will come from their father, but I think that showing them what a truly strong and capable person you are will make the most difference.


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YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#3 of 7 Old 06-16-2012, 11:42 AM
 
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I don't think you should say anything to your ex about it. He's just trying to upset you any way he can. Laugh it off, tell the kids it's ridiculous, and ask your fiancé to just repeat anything you say about safety with rides. 

 

"Can I do ride x?" 

"No, I think it's a bit wild, dear."

"Fiance, it's not, is it? Dad says you know better than mom!"

Fiance: "I agree with your mother, of course."


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#4 of 7 Old 06-16-2012, 12:46 PM
 
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I'd take it one step further and discuss with your fiance that, under the circumstances, he should decline to give his opinion and defer to you.

 

If your fiance says "I agree with your mother," your son might take it to mean that you and your fiance happen to see eye-to-eye on this or that ride, but your fiance's opinion is still the one he should seek.

 

Instead, your fiance could say something like, "It's not my call.  If your mother says it's safe for you, it's safe.  If she said it's not, it's not."  Your son needs to see that your fiance (whose judgment his father trusts) trusts your judgment.

 

This does not mean your fiance will never be an authority figure to your son.  If you get married, his role as an authority figure will evolve naturally.  But right now, reinforcing that you are an authority figure - competent, trustworthy and not to be dismissed, overruled or undermined - is much more important for your son.

 

Really, there's an even larger issue:  your son is already learning how to treat women, how to conduct adult relationships, handle adult disagreements, and how to treat his fiancee/wife and the mother of his children.  Your ex - in making it seem like he made a child with a woman he doesn't trust to take care of children - is (albeit inadvertently) teaching your son to be careless who he makes babies with.  And obviously, in instructing your son to second-guess you, in front of you, with your own fiance, your ex is teaching your son to be utterly disrespectful to his parents and to inconsiderately pit people against each other in ways that could damage loving relationships.

 

For the sake of your son's ability to have a happy, stable, respectful relationship with his own wife someday, your fiance really must take this opportunity to model for your son respecting your judgment...not double-checking it or getting a second opinion!


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#5 of 7 Old 06-16-2012, 02:19 PM
 
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I agree with everyone else, this is fixable between you & DF. 

 

Also, unless there's some reason why you have to, I wouldn't go into detail with XH about minor details like that. You aren't going to let DS do anything dangerous or that you don't think he can handle, and XH can like it or lump it. Does he check with you before he lets the kids try new things when they're in his care? Talking to him about it in the first place opened the door for him to try and control the situation. 

 

If you want to defer to DF's judgment on something, I think that's totally fine, but that has to come from you, not XH. I have DH be in charge of any thrill-seeking activities for the kids because I am, as he puts it a "nervous nelly". Everyone has more fun when I back off and trust his judgment. But again, I make the call on when I'm going to pass off responsibility.


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#6 of 7 Old 06-16-2012, 02:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#7 of 7 Old 06-16-2012, 08:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VocalMinority View Post

I'd take it one step further and discuss with your fiance that, under the circumstances, he should decline to give his opinion and defer to you.

 

If your fiance says "I agree with your mother," your son might take it to mean that you and your fiance happen to see eye-to-eye on this or that ride, but your fiance's opinion is still the one he should seek.

 

Instead, your fiance could say something like, "It's not my call.  If your mother says it's safe for you, it's safe.  If she said it's not, it's not."  Your son needs to see that your fiance (whose judgment his father trusts) trusts your judgment.

 

This does not mean your fiance will never be an authority figure to your son.  If you get married, his role as an authority figure will evolve naturally.  But right now, reinforcing that you are an authority figure - competent, trustworthy and not to be dismissed, overruled or undermined - is much more important for your son.

 

Really, there's an even larger issue:  your son is already learning how to treat women, how to conduct adult relationships, handle adult disagreements, and how to treat his fiancee/wife and the mother of his children.  Your ex - in making it seem like he made a child with a woman he doesn't trust to take care of children - is (albeit inadvertently) teaching your son to be careless who he makes babies with.  And obviously, in instructing your son to second-guess you, in front of you, with your own fiance, your ex is teaching your son to be utterly disrespectful to his parents and to inconsiderately pit people against each other in ways that could damage loving relationships.

 

For the sake of your son's ability to have a happy, stable, respectful relationship with his own wife someday, your fiance really must take this opportunity to model for your son respecting your judgment...not double-checking it or getting a second opinion!

I agree with this, actually. Your fiancé should make it clear that he defers to you. 


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