Need Advice Please - Mothering Forums
Blended and Step Family Parenting > Need Advice Please
rosie211's Avatar rosie211 08:59 AM 07-09-2012

Hello everyone!


I am new this forum and found it by searching for some important information this morning. I am in Kentucky first of all, so my questions would pertain to that state only. Let's see if I can sum this up quickly: my son is turning 10 this year and has never met his bio father. We did the paternity test when my son was weeks old and things were set in motion for getting child support (I was a single mother at the time). When my son was 8 months old, I met my husband and we married a year later; so my husband is his DADDY/FATHER in all the possible ways. He has always supported, loved, and raised both my kids as his own; the most wonderful father in the world. I have to reiterate here, that my son has never even been in the same room as his bio dad but my husband has been there, day in and day out, for coming up on 10 years (I think that is a big piece of the picture here.) We went years without seeing any child support and I really didn't care; at this point I was regretting that I ever pushed for child support in the first few months of my son's life. Fast forward to 7 years later and I get mail saying I am to go to court. Long story short, he had to pay a large sum to avoid going to jail (for lack of child support for so many years) and then began his monthly payments. He has made those payments ever since, so a few years of paying on time. I should also note here that he messaged me on facebook (no I am not his friend, but I have it set up so that anyone can message me) in 09 a few times, wanting my address, wanting to send a bday gift, wanting to meet him. Then nothing for 3 more years and he is wanting my address again, to send things, to meet him. So, my question for you all is this: what do I do here? Oh, I should also point out that in his messages from 09 he told me he has lost custody of all his other children and I can't keep him from his last son. (!!!!!!!!) 


What rights does he actually have? Do I have to give him any info? He is two states away now, but he is out of the military in a few months. During the court thing, he wanted my sons social # so that we could switch off years for taxes?????!!!! I asked my people if I had to and they said no, so bio dad has like zero information from me. Plus we recently moved and I don't know if I legally have to tell him where. Do I have to give him anything?


We want more than anything for my husband to adopt both children (the others bio dad already signed his rights away) but my son's bio dad says he will never sign his over, because HE has a right to see his son. 


To me, bio dad is nothing.... my husband is my son's father and nothing can change that. Plus, my son is a very emotional and sensitive child and it would literally mess him up so so bad to have to have anything to do with this man.....


Please help if you can and thank you in advance for any advice you have to offer. 

My apologies for the long post, it was harder than I thought to sum things up....

Linda on the move's Avatar Linda on the move 07:43 PM 07-09-2012

I think it would be wise for you to consult an attorney. He is the child's father, and his rights have never been terminated. Ergo, if he wants visits, he could most likely get them. An attorney should be able to track down the information about his rights with his other kids and frame this in the most favorable way for you.

rosie211's Avatar rosie211 08:59 PM 07-09-2012

Thank you for your reply, I was thinking an attorney would be the route to go. I know that legally, he probably does have rights, but the fact that he doesn't have any rights for his other children should be at least one thing on my side.

~Nikki~'s Avatar ~Nikki~ 08:59 AM 07-16-2012

I agree, seek advice from a lawyer.  I know that here, they will often appoint a laywer for the child so that the child's best interest is considered.  I would hope that any judge in their right mind wouldn't force a child to begin seeing somebody that is basically a stranger to them.  How scary would that be? 


You have the history of non-contact on your side, at least.  And personally I wouldn't feel obligated to respond to him via facebook.  He doesn't have you as a friend and doesn't know if you're active there, so you could easily argue that you rarely use it and you didn't see the messages.  If he's desperate for information, he'll get his own attorny instead of relying on replies from facebook.  If it's not that important to him, he'll let the issue die.  He's probably just bringing it up as an issue because he's angry about having to pay the child support.  This is the very reason I'm so scared to persue all of the back-support my ex owes.  I'm afraid of it triggering a custody war.  But it sounds like a similar situation - my family assures me that my ex is too lazy to actually go the legal route.  So like I said, wait him out and see if he persues it legally.  You're not obligated to respond to his facebook messages.

rosie211's Avatar rosie211 09:43 AM 07-16-2012

Thank you for your reply. I have not replied to his latest message and I don't think I am going to. Our situations sound similar in many ways; it is good to know that I am not alone in this type of struggle. I have stepped away from the whole thing (in my mind) because it was making me sick to keep worrying about it. He has never been one to step up to the plate, so I am not sure he will follow through with anything at all. 


Thank you all for taking the time to read this post and reply with honesty. I really do appreciate it :) Hope you all have a wonderful day!