I discovered last week that I am pregnant. I have a 15 month old boy, of whom i have full time custody, and my partner has 2 children, a girl and boy ages 6 and 5, of whom he has joint custody. Currently, we do not live together, but were seriously discussing co-habitating before I found out I was pregnant. He has a 3 bedroom house, each of his kids have separate rooms.
I have no idea how to do this, what would be best for his kids and what would be best for my son, and the new baby. I don't want his kids to feel like we are intruding on their space, but its a simple fact of mathematics that they will have to share rooms at some point. I have tried discussing this with my partner, but all he comes up with is "we'll just have to figure it out," which to me seems like I just have to figure it out.
I'm about 6 weeks right now, so i have a little time before we move in. I want to make the transition as smooth as possible. I have considered having my son and the new baby share a room, but i don't want it to seem like two separate family living in one house, i would rather us be blended, although i don't know if I'm translating the room situation too literally. But that way i could put a mattress on the floor and co-sleep with both of them since DS is still nursing at night, and having him in bed with my partner seems to affect his sleep (understandably). This, however, would require "kicking out" one of his kids from their room. I don't know what a better option would be though.
It seems that he is a little reluctant to discuss practically what we are going to do, and i don't know if that's a normal reaction because we are moving into their space, or if i should expect him to be more enthusiastic about it. He has wanted me to move in for a while, and i hadn't been ready until recently. So i don't doubt that this is something that he wanted, It's just a difficult situation with the stress of a new baby and blending a family together.
We haven't had a co-parenting talk, and so far we have done okay with that, but i would really like to clarify our boundaries and responsibilities before the new baby comes. I don't know what i should expect of him, and vice versa.
Anyone BTDT? Advice?
I haven't BTDT, but one thing he could do right now, to make things easier when you move in, is to rearrange the kids rooms. If they are sharing a room and have a playroom by the time you move in, you won't be taking anyones room.
It's entirely possible the kids will be happy about you moving in. My husband didn't have any kids of his own at the time, but the kids were thrilled. It was easier on everyone having a predictable routine than having him there for a few days and then gone for a few days.
As someone with a lot of experience in this area, I will throw out one piece of advice: don't focus too much on trying to not rock the boat. the boat WILL rock! There will be many changes in your future. The best advice I can give is to have fun with the transitions; the kids are all young enough that you can have this go very smoothly - make it an adventure :)
Yes, you and your BF need to have some rel conversations; some will be hard & challenging, others will be beautiful and bonding. All will be worth it in the end! Good luck on your transitions, and congrats on the new baby!
Jen - Partner to Joe, Craig, & Jordan , mama to DS1 (7/13/99), DS2 (10/27/01), and DS3 (6/13/06), and DS4 born 12/13/12! Attachment Parent, co-sleeper, baby-wearer, Sudbury School founder & educator, PhD Candidate doing birth research, cloth diaper lover, GF (again), etc!