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#1 of 67 Old 08-13-2012, 01:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ok so my stepson won't stop peeing and pooping his pants all over my house on purpose, im sick of cleaning it multiple times a day. I have tried to make him clean it but all efforts have failed. There is no punishment that works for him, I have tried taking stuff away he doesn't care, I have tried time out he could care less, I tried spanking him (I am against it and have never tried this before) that failed he didnt give a crap. I have tried sending him to his room he enjoys it so that's not a punishment, I have tried taking toys away failed, I don't know what else to do! He is mean and rude to his sisters and baby brother all the time I have to force him to talk to them, He is rude and nasty to my husband and I. I just I don't know what to do anymore. He is supposed to be getting a play therapist but I haven't heard from them yet... This is all so stressful!!! I don't know how much more I can take... He sneaks into the fridge late at night and helps himself to whatever he wants, leaving the fridge door open for everything to spoil which happned this morning, I don't have 200 dollars or more to replace everything I had in there. I have tried everything!!! I know he has been through alot of trauma in his past but that's not an excuse for behaviors that he knows are unacceptable. I have had alot of trauma in my past and as a child and I have never and will not ever use that as an excuse for anything. So I don't want to hear it. These caseworkers that are up my ass all the time are driving me nuts, there is no reason for them to even still be in my house let alone annoying me everyday of the week. Getting turned in to CPS every time I turn around for false reasons is really taking it's toll on both my husband and myself. Anymore being in the same room with each other for more than two minutes is torture. I had my three year old daughter completely potty trained, Four days no accidents nothing. Then she saw my stepson pee and poop his pants on purpose now she thinks she can do it too! So now she is back in diapers too. I have put my stepson back in diapers, I don't know what else to do. I have four kids I can't be cleaning that up every twenty minutes out of the carpet with two other children running around and one starting to walk. I just can't. I never thought I would hate being a stay at home mom to my kids. These past couple months I have wanted nothing more than to trade places with my husband. I feel like I'm starting to have resentments toward him that he gets to go to work and doesn't have to deal with most of the crap that I do. I chose to stay at home yes but I never thought I would have to deal with this. I have a four year old who gets in my face and screams at me when he wants a drink, He gets my daughter's faces and screams at them for no reason, He get's in my 10 month old son's face and screams at him. He tells my three year old he hates her. He kicked my 10 month old in the head. He tries to hurt my daughter's all the time. He tried to push my almost 2 year old daughter down the steps. The only reason she didn't go down on her head is because I grabbed her in time. Don't get me wrong I do love my stepson he can be very sweet, loving, kind, affectionate, funny, and nice. He just hasn't shown any of this in two months or more. I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. I'm getting a migrane just thinking about all this stuff. Sorry I don't mean to vent and rant on here, I have no one to talk to. I have tried to talk to my Sister in law about it because she has kids too but she basically told me to bend over backwards and spoil him rotten instead of discipline him, My mother in law told me the same thing, My husband is so stressed from all this and work that talking to him about how I'm feeling just adds to his frustration. I don't have my mother in my life anymore, I haven't spoken to her in over a year so I can't count on her to be there for me. I haven't spoken to my sister in over six months so I guess I don't have her to fall on either. I guess that's what happens when your mother divorces your father, then she marries a Convicted Child molester and your sister thinks your wrong for not letting either one of them around your children. My dad talks to me I have talked to him about some of it but the only response I get from him is "I don't know how you do it, I couldn't put up with that" Yeah well thanks dad that's not much help. I feel like I'm trapped in a pit of quicksand and no matter how much I try to climb and reach for the top to get out of the hole I just sink further into it. I'm not happy anymore, I'd rather sit on the couch and cry then to get dressed and leave the kids home with my husband and go out for the day. I feel so lost and alone.

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#2 of 67 Old 08-13-2012, 03:37 PM
 
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Honestly? I think you need to walk away. This child needs more help than you seem willing or able to give.
 

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#3 of 67 Old 08-13-2012, 04:03 PM
 
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Agreed. This child would be better off in foster care. You don't want him.

I have taken in a 4 yo foster child who was fecally incontinent, I know how hard it is. I chose to do it and I had a lot if support in dealing with it. If you can't dedicate your life to this kid, then get him out or get out yourself.
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#4 of 67 Old 08-13-2012, 04:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am more than willing to give him the help he needs, I have it all in the works for him the people in the offices that are in charge of this stuff with getting the paperwork through are just sitting on thier asses, I am on the phone with them every weekday that they are open trying to get it to go through, So I don't even want to hear that I'm not willing to. And I am able to I just don't know what to do! I didn't post here to vent freely to be attacked or told that I'm not willing or able to help him I am obviously trying. And I'm not going to walk away from my marriage nothing is going to destroy that and make it so I am not going to be with the absolute love of my life. I want to give him the help he needs that's why I am working my ass off to get it for him.

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Honestly? I think you need to walk away. This child needs more help than you seem willing or able to give.
 

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#5 of 67 Old 08-13-2012, 04:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What the hell are you talking about that I don't want him? I never said I didn't want him! This is just alot to deal with on top of everything else that I have to deal with in a day. And no I cannot dedicate my life to just one child I have FOUR children to take care of all day long, it's not like I'm not trying to get him what he needs, I have been working my ass off everyday to get him what he needs and to try to help and work with him as much as possible, I didn't post here to be attacked or anything all I'm asking for is a little bit of support in dealing with this stuff on my own, I literally have NO support system at all, I'm sorry for thinking this was a safe place to get that, I didn't know I was asking for too much!

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Agreed. This child would be better off in foster care. You don't want him.
I have taken in a 4 yo foster child who was fecally incontinent, I know how hard it is. I chose to do it and I had a lot if support in dealing with it. If you can't dedicate your life to this kid, then get him out or get out yourself.
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#6 of 67 Old 08-13-2012, 04:48 PM
 
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Is his biological mom in the picture? What about other family from dh's side that can help care for him?

I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with putting your dss in diapers. He's obviously regressing (even if it is intentionally). Diapering him and then treating him as an unpottytrained lo, makes the going all over the house a non-issue instead of a struggle. It sounds as though you already have enough battling going on. Do you think if you eliminated that struggle for now, it might be easier for you to work on the other problems?

Also, do you think a counselor for you might help? You're dealing with a lot, you deserve to have someone you can talk to about it.
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#7 of 67 Old 08-13-2012, 07:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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His biomom is in the picture but she is only allowed to have contact with him during her supervised visitaion, outside of those no phone calls emails, nothing. It might help, Everyone on my husband's side lives like 20 minutes away from me, So I probably could arrange something to have a little help but I don't want to be a pain and rely on other people when I'm the one that took on the responsibility. I feel guilty asking for help, I know it sounds silly or stupid. A counselor for me would probably help too, I just don't make myself a priority.. like at all, My whole day revolves around kids, kids, kids, husband, kids, cleaning, kids, bedtime.. Most days I'm lucky if I get a 10 minute shower.. I know I need to start making myself a priority too I just don't know how to... I feel like between getting married, having kids, and stepping into this role as a stay at home mom, I feel like I've lost myself somewhere. I don't know how to get me back. This is alot to deal with but, I was fun, optomistic, out going, loved to be out and about, loved to go for walks, write poetry, And now I just feel stuck in the chaos and frustration. I know none of this is his fault that he's behaving like this, I know he has been through alot, but that doesn't mean it's not HARD. My husband doesn't understand, I don't feel like anybody does...My husband doesn't... None of my in laws do, I don't have any friends anymore, I gave all those up back in 2008.

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Is his biological mom in the picture? What about other family from dh's side that can help care for him?
I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with putting your dss in diapers. He's obviously regressing (even if it is intentionally). Diapering him and then treating him as an unpottytrained lo, makes the going all over the house a non-issue instead of a struggle. It sounds as though you already have enough battling going on. Do you think if you eliminated that struggle for now, it might be easier for you to work on the other problems?
Also, do you think a counselor for you might help? You're dealing with a lot, you deserve to have someone you can talk to about it.
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#8 of 67 Old 08-13-2012, 07:54 PM
 
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I don't know your step-son's whole story, but I do know a lot about young children and trauma.

 

A four-year-old who has been abused and neglected may have spent the last four years with no one to show him how to behave, no one to show him how to interact appropriately with other people, no one to show him what it looks like to be loved and cared for. To them the world is not predictable, adults may or may not take care of you from moment to moment, and who knows when or whether your basic needs will be met. Their extraordinarily challenging behavior is not designed to piss you off or make your life hell, it is designed to survive, and children who have been abused or neglected can only use whatever skills they have managed to figure out on their own, sometimes in a life-or-death fight to survive their childhood. 

 

Most kids learn as infants that adults are loving, responsive, safe, and predictable, and that grown-ups are a source of nourishment, security, and comfort. Children who have been abused and neglected didn't get that same start-- to them adults may be unreliable, unpredictable, scary, and dangerous. And even when they encounter adults who ARE loving, safe, responsive, and predictable they have years of hard-wiring to overcome before they can even begin to register that those adults are different.

Children who have been abused and who have been through the foster system and moved around multiple times often feel they have absolutely no control over their lives, so they control the two things they have absolute control over-- what goes into their body (eating and drinking) and what comes out of it (poop and pee). It is not a conscious decision, it is a primal need to have some tiny shred of predictability and control over what is happening to you. 

 

Children who have been abused or neglected may be developmentally much younger than their actual age, so they often need to be parented as though they are far younger-- they may need to be rocked and sung to; they may need to be redirected and shown more appropriate behavior; they may need a lot of repetition and consistency, far more than seems age-appropriate. Their development is often incredibly uneven, so they might act like a 1 year old one minute, a 6 year old the next, and a 4 year old 5 minutes after that... and the extraordinarily challenging job of supporting them is to shift your response to match where they are from minute to minute.

 

If you can't counseling started for your step-son, I would urge you to find a counselor for yourself who understands trauma and can help you understand how to best help him.  Appropriate intervention can make a HUGE difference for traumatized children, so your advocacy is hugely important. Keep pushing and pushing to get the support he needs. You can be the person who makes a difference for this child. And while you are doing it, do what you need to do to stay centered and grounded so that you can be safe and predictable for all of your kids. There may be organizations in your area that support foster parents or relatives stepping in for parents (around here the groups are called "kin as parents")-- even though your husband is his father, they may be a good resource for support.


I hope the system steps up and gets both of you the support your family so desperately needs. 


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#9 of 67 Old 08-13-2012, 09:47 PM
 
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It IS hard. It's hard to care for just one child, let alone 4, one of whom is recovering from a bad situation.

Ask your in-laws for help! Never feel bad for needing help. That's what family is for, and they are supportive and loving family, then they will feel the same way. Your dss sounds like he needs stability and consistency, and spending time on a regular basis with grandparents or aunts and uncles that he is comfortable with might be a wonderful thing. Even if it's in your home, because that's where dss feels most secure, the respite can help you feel more refreshed.

It sounds as though you care very much for dss, but you are getting burned out. You mentioned earlier that dh sometimes takes the kids off your hands. Force yourself to take advantage of that. A couple of hours of time where you focus on you can do wonders.

I hope that you are able to get some help soon for the both of you.

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#10 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 04:03 AM
 
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Just chiming in :) It is a rough situation to deal with, and I hope you can get some advice, since you asked for help. Let's all focus on ideas and resources, please! 

 

How old is he? Is CPS offering any help? Has he been assessed for services like early intervention/head start? I know that there can be bad workers, but there are also great ones that can connect you with help, including respite care at times. It sounds like you need help, and if I were you I would take advantage of everything you can. 


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#11 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 08:31 AM
 
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"I literally have NO support system at all..."

Yeah, I get that. And you're trying to do something that cannot safely be done without tangible IRL support. As long as you are pushing yourself to this extreme, all four of your kids are in an unsafe situation. I know that can be hard to hear. None of this is your fault - you didn't break this kid. But you are not, at this point, capable of rehabilitating him without real, ongoing help. If you can't line up the help immediately, your DSS would be better off in care.
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#12 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 08:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He would not be better off in foster care so you can get that thought right out of  your head. And I'm not putting any of my children in an unsafe situation. I would NOT put any child in an unsafe situation weather they were mine or not. I know it's not my fault, and I'm trying to get his help ASAP, but I have referrals, paperwork, Insurance paperwork, It's a long process it's not like make a phone call and BOOM he has it...

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"I literally have NO support system at all..."
Yeah, I get that. And you're trying to do something that cannot safely be done without tangible IRL support. As long as you are pushing yourself to this extreme, all four of your kids are in an unsafe situation. I know that can be hard to hear. None of this is your fault - you didn't break this kid. But you are not, at this point, capable of rehabilitating him without real, ongoing help. If you can't line up the help immediately, your DSS would be better off in care.
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#13 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 08:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He's four, CPS is trying to get him help but they're referalls and stuff is taking forever and a day, and I have insurance paperwork to do to see if his medical will cover it or not because I'm no sure what all my husband's insurance through work covers for this type of thing because we have never had to use it for anything. He goes to headstart that will be starting again here in a couple weeks, I'm trying to get ahold of our caseworker to see if there is anything else that we can get him into but she is a very hard woman to get a hold of lately as well as everyone above her, I have tried her supervisor, and above the supervisor as well. It's just taking forever...

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Just chiming in :) It is a rough situation to deal with, and I hope you can get some advice, since you asked for help. Let's all focus on ideas and resources, please! 

 

How old is he? Is CPS offering any help? Has he been assessed for services like early intervention/head start? I know that there can be bad workers, but there are also great ones that can connect you with help, including respite care at times. It sounds like you need help, and if I were you I would take advantage of everything you can. 

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#14 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 08:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know your step-son's whole story, but I do know a lot about young children and trauma.

From what I gather, husband's ex has been very quiet about alot of it I learned most of this through our lawyer because it came out in court, His ex would leave the children alone in her car almost every time she went anywhere, She let her boyfriend be very abusive to all three of her children, Mentally and Physically, and I have some suspicions on sexually as well, but I can't prove that, He would smack my stepsons face off the wall over and over again (Stepson told me) He was even more abusive physically to thier 10 month old baby, Leaving brusing all over the baby's body. Her parents did nothing to step in, She did nothing to step in, Her sister and her brother in law did nothing, Nobody did anything to stand up for these helpless innocent children, that is what really pisses me off.

A four-year-old who has been abused and neglected may have spent the last four years with no one to show him how to behave, no one to show him how to interact appropriately with other people, no one to show him what it looks like to be loved and cared for. To them the world is not predictable, adults may or may not take care of you from moment to moment, and who knows when or whether your basic needs will be met. Their extraordinarily challenging behavior is not designed to piss you off or make your life hell, it is designed to survive, and children who have been abused or neglected can only use whatever skills they have managed to figure out on their own, sometimes in a life-or-death fight to survive their childhood. 

I understand all of this too, It is so frustrating teaching a four year old how to behave when my almost 2 year old acts better than he does, What I don't understand is he is like this at home, but in Head Start there is no behavior problems, no peeing/poopin his pants, No screaming at other kids, I don't get it. I understand it's not designed to piss me off or make my life hell, but there are some days that just seem awful and like I am never going to get out of the day and just be able to have some quiet time and peacefully fall asleep, I haven't been able to just relax and breathe in four months. Four months.. CRAZY :)

Most kids learn as infants that adults are loving, responsive, safe, and predictable, and that grown-ups are a source of nourishment, security, and comfort. Children who have been abused and neglected didn't get that same start-- to them adults may be unreliable, unpredictable, scary, and dangerous. And even when they encounter adults who ARE loving, safe, responsive, and predictable they have years of hard-wiring to overcome before they can even begin to register that those adults are different.

Children who have been abused and who have been through the foster system and moved around multiple times often feel they have absolutely no control over their lives, so they control the two things they have absolute control over-- what goes into their body (eating and drinking) and what comes out of it (poop and pee). It is not a conscious decision, it is a primal need to have some tiny shred of predictability and control over what is happening to you. 

 

Children who have been abused or neglected may be developmentally much younger than their actual age, so they often need to be parented as though they are far younger-- they may need to be rocked and sung to; they may need to be redirected and shown more appropriate behavior; they may need a lot of repetition and consistency, far more than seems age-appropriate. Their development is often incredibly uneven, so they might act like a 1 year old one minute, a 6 year old the next, and a 4 year old 5 minutes after that... and the extraordinarily challenging job of supporting them is to shift your response to match where they are from minute to minute.

 

If you can't counseling started for your step-son, I would urge you to find a counselor for yourself who understands trauma and can help you understand how to best help him.  Appropriate intervention can make a HUGE difference for traumatized children, so your advocacy is hugely important. Keep pushing and pushing to get the support he needs. You can be the person who makes a difference for this child. And while you are doing it, do what you need to do to stay centered and grounded so that you can be safe and predictable for all of your kids. There may be organizations in your area that support foster parents or relatives stepping in for parents (around here the groups are called "kin as parents")-- even though your husband is his father, they may be a good resource for support.


I hope the system steps up and gets both of you the support your family so desperately needs. 

Thank you I hope they step up too, this waitng game and paper work crap is getting ridiculous.

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#15 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 12:25 PM
 
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I'm glad he's going to head start. That will help a lot.

 

If I were you, my approach would be to minimize the impact his problem behaviors are having on you and the other kids, so you can focus as much as possible on building a personal connection with him. Like a pp said, just put him in diapers and don't worry yet about the fact that he's four, and obviously doing it on purpose. When he screams at and hurts the others, tell him firmly that it's not ok, and remove him, but let that be your only "teaching" response for now- after a firm no, you could even cuddle him and tell him that you love him even when he does mean things. Of course you have to comfort the other child first! But with a kid who has been through what he has been through, watch for the times when you start thinking, "This has to change right now" because that will put a lot of stress on both of you.

 

Four is the toughest age anyway- I think a lot of this behavior will subside as he develops.

 

To me it sounds like you are doing really well under the circumstances- I don't think anyone in your position could be expected to not stress out.
 


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#16 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 01:16 PM
 
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Head Start is a tangible, ongoing source of help. That's great that it will start back up in a couple of weeks.

But as a foster parent, it scares the hell out of me when people who are clearly pushed to the limit don't recognize the danger they put their children in. This isn't a stepparent problem in particular. Women who would never drive drunk will drive exhausted, with a carful of kids. Women will see their marriages and relationships with their other kids corrode rather than drop a troubled kid off at their grandparent's and say "I'm burnt out, have a nice weekend." And every single member of an extended family will watch a parent crash and burn and never call CPS. These maladaptive behaviors kill children.
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#17 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 01:18 PM
 
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That's very very very hard to deal with alone.  You are VENTING.  You are allowed to vent.  Some people just want to be unhelpful and rotten.  Yes I said unhelpful and rotten.  Keep working to get this little boy help, when you talk to your DH's family tell them you need some help with him and that you can not do it all alone.  Hopefully his grandmother will at least help you and no you did not sign up to care for a boy who has been traumatized and NO you do not automatically become capable of doing so once the child is dropped in your lap.

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#18 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 01:36 PM
 
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Okay , this may not help a lot , but a friend of mine was in a similar behavioral situation with her own child , and what our wonderful pediatrician told her , really stuck in my head 

She had asked him , why does he behave so badly at home , when in day care he is wonderful and he said " because he loves you and he feels safe with you . He knows , no matter how horrible he is , you will not abandon him " 

I don´t know , if that gives you any comfort at all , but from reading some of the stuff you wrote , it seems like this is the first time , this boy has seen what a GOOD Mother can be like , not the opposite variety .

The other thing , I want to say is , for your sake as well as your children´s , get help , go to your husband´s family and tell them , that you need support , you are not super woman , don´t try to be , it will only hurt you and make things even harder in the long run . 

You said , you feel like giving the kids to your husband , do exactly that , they are his kids too .

Then grab your purse and head out the door , even if you go to the mall and have a coffee there or go for a walk through the neighbourhood , SOMETHING to let your mind dangle .

I have to admit , my very first thought , after reading that he kicked and pushed your other kids , was " put him in foster care " , but you are obviously very committed to him and that is absolutely admirable , I really mean that ! 

But please , don´t try to do it alone , it´s hard asking for help , been there myself , but once you have , you´ll realize , how much better you are off , 

 

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#19 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 05:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well let me see here, I don't drive if I am too tired, I don't drink so I don't have a chane in hell at drinking and driving, I may be mentally exhausted but that doesn't mean that my children are suffering, i do the very best I can every single day just like any other parent... The time I decompress take a nice hot shower, relax and play some playstation 3 or just relax and think wtih some good music, is my time after all four of the kids are in bed. This isn't going to kill my children. Me being upset during the day that none of them are behaving and use a good constructive activity to get them all playing togther in a nice way with no fighting is not going to kill my children, my marriage is fine after the kids are in bed twice a week I break my bedtime and stay up late until 2 or 3 am with him to make up for that time that we lost together while he was working as he works the night shift, We make pizzas at midnight, laugh and joke around, and it makes us remember why we are together in the first place. My relationship with my other children is fine that is not corroding nor am I crashing and burning. I just need a nice positive support system every once in a while just like everyone else, so if that is too hard for you to do or if you believe that will be the death of my children too then please stay off my thread.

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Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

Head Start is a tangible, ongoing source of help. That's great that it will start back up in a couple of weeks.
But as a foster parent, it scares the hell out of me when people who are clearly pushed to the limit don't recognize the danger they put their children in. This isn't a stepparent problem in particular. Women who would never drive drunk will drive exhausted, with a carful of kids. Women will see their marriages and relationships with their other kids corrode rather than drop a troubled kid off at their grandparent's and say "I'm burnt out, have a nice weekend." And every single member of an extended family will watch a parent crash and burn and never call CPS. These maladaptive behaviors kill children.
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#20 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 05:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes it does make me feel better, I don't mean for it to sound like I'm blaming him for all of this, I know most of it is everything he has been through it just pisses me off so bad that people can do that stuff to a child and get away with it!!!!! Both his ex and her boyfriend got away with it! And last time I knew his ex's parents were the ones trying to gain custody of her other two children, she isn't doing a damn thing to get them back. And absolutely not will I abandon any child, it's just very complicated and hard to deal with, we have crap coming from the ex, the evil witch she is anyway, The caseworkers wont leave us alone we keep being reported to them from people saying the conditions of the inside of our home are disgusting and unbearably filthy, yeah kids make messes big freakin deal lol. It's not like I don't clean. Then the behavior problems on top of it all it's just alot...

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Okay , this may not help a lot , but a friend of mine was in a similar behavioral situation with her own child , and what our wonderful pediatrician told her , really stuck in my head 

She had asked him , why does he behave so badly at home , when in day care he is wonderful and he said " because he loves you and he feels safe with you . He knows , no matter how horrible he is , you will not abandon him " 

I don´t know , if that gives you any comfort at all , but from reading some of the stuff you wrote , it seems like this is the first time , this boy has seen what a GOOD Mother can be like , not the opposite variety .

The other thing , I want to say is , for your sake as well as your children´s , get help , go to your husband´s family and tell them , that you need support , you are not super woman , don´t try to be , it will only hurt you and make things even harder in the long run . 

You said , you feel like giving the kids to your husband , do exactly that , they are his kids too .

Then grab your purse and head out the door , even if you go to the mall and have a coffee there or go for a walk through the neighbourhood , SOMETHING to let your mind dangle .

I have to admit , my very first thought , after reading that he kicked and pushed your other kids , was " put him in foster care " , but you are obviously very committed to him and that is absolutely admirable , I really mean that ! 

But please , don´t try to do it alone , it´s hard asking for help , been there myself , but once you have , you´ll realize , how much better you are off , 

 

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#21 of 67 Old 08-14-2012, 06:30 PM
 
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I was severely abused. All of the things your step-son is doing are completely normal for him. I had a lot of issues. I was a very problematic child. Everyone felt my issues were too much of a burden and let me know loudly and frequently. I think I understand what Smithie is getting at. It isn't that anyone is accusing you of neglect or malice. It's hard to stay present and pleasant with children who act that way. Unfortunately helping someone get over that kind of trauma is actual work. It's not just normal kid socialization. You have to teach things slowly and differently. It's hard. My life has been very hard. Trying to learn that I am currently safe has been very difficult. I still want to act out in problematic ways.

 

I hope you find a therapist soon. If it weren't for good therapists I would be dead. Good luck. I'm glad you are determined to keep him. He is going to be hard. It's good to have boundaries. I respect people who have firm boundaries. I know where they end and I begin and that feels really safe. Your step-son will probably need similar structure.

 

Sincerely, good luck. I hope you have more good minutes than bad.


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#22 of 67 Old 08-15-2012, 01:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I understand this is all normal for a child that has gone through alot, It is very hard to deal with sometimes, I don't let him know loudly or at allk now how I'm feeling. I just let him know I am disappointed in his actions, whatever it was and that he cannot do whatever it was because that is a bad choice, I explain why it was a bad choice and move on. If it is something that requires more than telling him it is a bad choice and explaining why it is a bad choice then that is where losing privilages, and or time outs come in. I don't want his life to be difficult and hard but I know for a long time it will be for him. We found a therapist he has an appointment set up for an evaluation to see where the play therapist needs to work at with him first. So I'm hoping all goes well there.... Will keep updated.

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I was severely abused. All of the things your step-son is doing are completely normal for him. I had a lot of issues. I was a very problematic child. Everyone felt my issues were too much of a burden and let me know loudly and frequently. I think I understand what Smithie is getting at. It isn't that anyone is accusing you of neglect or malice. It's hard to stay present and pleasant with children who act that way. Unfortunately helping someone get over that kind of trauma is actual work. It's not just normal kid socialization. You have to teach things slowly and differently. It's hard. My life has been very hard. Trying to learn that I am currently safe has been very difficult. I still want to act out in problematic ways.

 

I hope you find a therapist soon. If it weren't for good therapists I would be dead. Good luck. I'm glad you are determined to keep him. He is going to be hard. It's good to have boundaries. I respect people who have firm boundaries. I know where they end and I begin and that feels really safe. Your step-son will probably need similar structure.

 

Sincerely, good luck. I hope you have more good minutes than bad.

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#23 of 67 Old 08-17-2012, 01:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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***Update***
 

Well I may have just royally screwed up. These two caseworkers were just here and I was not very nice to them. They thought they were going to come inside with a cranky attitute. Then tell me "Oh I'd clip thier fingernails" They are clipped every week, mind you. "Oh I'd get them to help pick up toys" Um they did just get done helping pick up the toys ten minutes ago, and they are all over the floor agiain. "Oh it's an issue that your dog knocks them down sometimes" Um they fall down harder running and playing without my dog playing too. What does my dog have to do with them falling? "Oh I'd get a sheet on (Child's Name) bed." Umm I just washed it I haven't gotten to put it on yet since I JUST GOT HOME!!!! Every damn thing in my house that they could point out was wrong today, they did. And I hit my limit with it I couldn't take it anymore. Then to make matters worse my husband got up to use the bathroom while they were here, and when they saw him after he was all done with his business in there, They had the balls to tell him that I was mean and rude to them... Without taking responsibility for any of thier actions previous to when I finally had enough.. Yes my landlord has some small repairs to make, big deal, Yes the kids dumped a bag of cheeseballs out and squished them into the carpet while I went in the bathroom to pee, big deal it's cleanable and I was cleaning it when they got here. It's not like I don't clean anything! OMG I don't know how long I can deal with these people without losing my sanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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#24 of 67 Old 08-18-2012, 11:28 AM
 
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Honestly , I am lacking the words now , but I do want you to know , that I am keeping you in my thoughts , it´s admirable , what you have to endure and managed so well !hug2.gif


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#25 of 67 Old 08-19-2012, 12:10 PM
 
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I feel the same way. As a kinship placement, your family is supposed to be highly preferred over a regular foster home. The workers should be falling all over themselves to get your stepson services, not harassing you biweekly.

They may be hoping to remove him and put him in a therapeutic placement. But that's not very realistic since your husband has shown such determination to parent him. The system sometimes likes to pretend that fathers don't have enforceable rights.
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#26 of 67 Old 08-19-2012, 12:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The only service they have given him is mobile therapy where the play therapist will come out to my home one or two times a week for an hour for play therapy. Other than that, they didn't offer any other services. There was alot of "Danger Hazards" the one caseworker pointed out to me. Like my 11 month old son drinking  his bottle on my living room floor while my 4 and 3 year old were playing. He's starting to walk so he is all over in my downstairs playing with them. I can't wrap the kids in bubble wrap. My dog was a safety hazard because she can knock them on thier butt. They fall down harder standing in one place laughing so hard they fall over, than they do from my dog. I asked them to leave three times because I had enough of the harassment and they wouldn't leave.. they left the last time I asked because my husband was in thier sight. I sent them an Email, I found the email adress on our local Department of Human Services website... I wasn't very nice.

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I feel the same way. As a kinship placement, your family is supposed to be highly preferred over a regular foster home. The workers should be falling all over themselves to get your stepson services, not harassing you biweekly.
They may be hoping to remove him and put him in a therapeutic placement. But that's not very realistic since your husband has shown such determination to parent him. The system sometimes likes to pretend that fathers don't have enforceable rights.
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#27 of 67 Old 08-19-2012, 12:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here is the email I sent to Children Services:

 

My name is Blank Blank,

I have an open case with TCDHS, and I am wondering why my case is open. No one will tell me why it is still open. The caseworker I had previously was (Name), she was going to close our case and then she wasn't working there anymore. My children are very well taken care of. We have four children 4 and under so yes my house gets messy from time to time as I am only one person. My husband and I are very loving parents, none of our children are abused and/or neglected in any way, shape, or form. My kids are happy and healthy. Since April of 2012 there has been a caseworker or 2 at my home from every week to every two weeks, for no apparent reason. Yes we were reported a couple of weeks ago someone said that our home was dirty and disgusting I guess you could put it, which is in no way true. So why am I still being harassed? I feel that I am being harassed by having a caseworker here every two weeks when my children are not in any danger or at any risk at all. My kids are very uncomfortable with people they don't know being in thier bedrooms every two weeks, they are uncomfortable with people they don't know being in thier home every two weeks. And quite frankly, I am uncomfortable with it also. Because when the caseworkers come in my home, like the last time which was on Friday afternoon August 17, 2012, the caseworkers were disrespectful to me. I felt disrespected in my home because I felt I was being told I am not doing anything right with my children. My almost 11 month old son drinks his bottles in our living room on the floor, and yes his brother and sisters play near him. They are very careful about watching for him, as they are taught to watch out for babies, and other children. So how is this a concern? My children are in the bath every single night of the week. Is that a concern? What do we have to do to get this case closed so we can move on with our lives, and not be harassed and degraded every chance the caseworkers get? Also I do not want the STEPS program, so if you could tell me how to unsign myself up for it, that would be great. My husband made a mistake and was not aware that I had declined it before he accpeted it. My children are very well taken care of, they are not abused, they are not neglected. They are very happy and healthy children who love to run, jump, play, dance, They are very active. I have a "Gentle Discipline" style set up. Please have your caseworkers google it so they will understand why my children are not sat in a time out because Friday they seemed pretty confused why I do not use time outs. I will be getting in contact with my lawyer to see what I can do legally also because my family has enough going on from day to day life with four children we don't need the harassment we are recieving on top of it.



Here are my questions:
1. Why is my case open?
2. How do I get it closed?
3. How do I unsign us up for STEPS?
4. Is it part of a caseworker's job to nitpick tiny little things and call them a "Safety Hazard"

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#28 of 67 Old 08-19-2012, 12:46 PM
 
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#29 of 67 Old 08-19-2012, 01:29 PM
 
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I've read some good advice..... And some not so good advice on your post Pr3tty
All I can offer is a fathers point of view....... Open a dialog with your husband
Because he is the solution to this... His and his interaction alone ( I don't mean they need guy time)
I mean only he ( husband) can solve this, by simply ' fathering' this child
Feel free to message me if he's willing to... Maybe he and I could talk to each other believe me girl men communicating with one another helps
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#30 of 67 Old 08-20-2012, 12:52 PM
 
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I agree with DeadMike- your dh might need to be the one to solve this. Not parenting wise, though- you already mentioned that he works nights, and you are the SAHP. I assume he's parenting his kids, especially since he wanted to fight for custody. I think it might help if he talks to CPS. Maybe he should even take over for you in that area. You said the only reason the caseworkers were willing to leave that day is because he was there. Maybe they'll listen to him. It's entirely possible, since you are already on their "bad list", that any kind of protest you make is just going to be taken as you just freaking out= see she really is unstable. Plus, being a woman can sometimes go against you with people in power. He can come across all level headed and "in charge" (I know it's disgusting, but it might be effective) and ask them what they want you to do in order to have the case closed.

 

With everything you have on your plate, harassment from CPS is the last thing you need!


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