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View Poll Results: Do you block your Step Kids on your facebook?
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Blended and Step Family Parenting > FACEBOOK!!!
WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 04:47 PM 10-11-2012

(Okay, a little background.  I am active duty, and my husband is civilian.  We travel all over the place.  We live in each place about 2 to 3 years, but while we are there we see most of the cool things in surrounding areas.  So from outsiders, we are just all over the place all the time and should give our money to people that need it versus blowing it on traveling.)--That's another story--

 

I only have 31 friends on my FB.  It is my close family and friends.  Just because we are 1st cousins or you are my boss or coworker or went to high school with me, doesn't give you the right to details of my life.

 

My mom will aggravate me to death about keeping her pictures on there so she can watch her GDs grow up.  FB is the only thing she can work, and she's come a long way to be able to use that.  I tried instagram, but she says she like FB.  Regardless, my mom, sister, and close friends all keep in touch that way and share our pictures.  Keep in mind, I only have 31 friends on there whatsoever.  So I have pictures from other countries, and that we go to Disneyland almost every other weekend.

 

Now, this is my way of thinking....  I have DDs of my own.  I have only been to 3 of my oldest bdays, and only to only 1 of my youngest bday, she is 4.  I am always gone for work whether its for days, weeks, or months.  I don't choose to be, but the gov't tells me to go so I do my job.  So when I am home, if I want to take them to see all kinds of stuff, it's my money and I have every right.  If I share those experiences with my close friends and family, it's my right.

 

Many people think it as it was my choice to join the military.  And yes it was, over 10 years ago.  This was prior to getting married or having childrens or a SD.  This was my choice, and how I wanted to live my life.  My choice, my decision.  Don't tell me I am a bad mother for not raising my kids, but then always have your D*** hand out, and get mad when I tell you I had plans already and I can't give you the 100th handout.

 

My huband has a DD.  She is wonderful.  But now she is starting to act like her BM, but that's another story too.  Her BM says that her DD, my SD, says that I have been the reason her daddy left her.  Whether my SD thinks that, I'm sure it is in the back of her mind regardless if her BM put it there.  We always take her to crazy places during the summers.  We tell her that she is always welcome to come whenever she wants.  She has her own room at every place we move.  So it's not like she is a guest.  I know it's hard b/c she wants to be with both parents, but don't all kids want that? 

 

But she is getting older now.  And she now has a FB.  She asks me why she was couldn't see my pics on my FB cause she knew I had lots of pics.  So I acted dumb and said let me check on it and fix it. 

 

So I fixed it, and now her flippin BM sees about our life.  She is raising so much H*** because how dare her daughter not have clothes and go to the movies, but we go to Asia or Alaska for a couple day vacation.  She says nothing about FB, but I know she gets all mad from looking at it.  We send more than enough Child Support.  I even send the child support for years while my husband was a stay at home dad.  But she doesn't see as me helping.  She sees it as our problem, when it's not our(my husband and I's Problem)  it's their(hers and his) problem.  I help out for my SD.  The BM is a SAHM of 6 kids and lives with her parents in their garage.  Her husband is in and out of work.  So I know they struggle and I've tried to help, but I'm done with all of that after 9 years of getting S*** on. She is the one who says I pay to have someone raise my kids.  And my response was I do what I have to do to provide for my children, and she lets tax payers provide for hers.

 

I am just so angry that it's always something with that woman.  FB or cell phone or money.  I'm so tired of this.  I know it will never ever stop. 



scruffy too's Avatar scruffy too 08:18 PM 10-11-2012

Do I block my SK on facebook?  It hasn't come up yet since DSS is 7. 

 

I only have 100 "friends" and it's mainly family.  DP has 800 or so and this will soon be coming up as an issue as we are expecting in March and if he thinks I'm okay with him posting pics of our child to 800 "friends" (some of which I'm definitely NOT friends with, or would even say 'hi' to in real life) he's got another thing coming.  I do know, however, that he's "friends" with some of his ex's family (she no longer uses facebook) so I'm sure she sees everything through her sisters.

 

I hate facebook.  But it's the easiest way I've found to share pictures with my family.


VisionaryMom's Avatar VisionaryMom 08:18 AM 10-12-2012
Quote:

So I fixed it, and now her flippin BM sees about our life.  She is raising so much H*** because how dare her daughter not have clothes and go to the movies, but we go to Asia or Alaska for a couple day vacation.  She says nothing about FB, but I know she gets all mad from looking at it.  We send more than enough Child Support.  I even send the child support for years while my husband was a stay at home dad.  

I would consider the impact of how all of this looks to your step-daughter. With the way you're describing it, this would be my reaction: "man, my dad created a new family where he stayed home and schlepped my half-siblings all over the world while I lived in my grandma's garage." That sucks. It really, truly does.

 

And...if you chose to marry someone with kids and for him to stay at home, it IS your job to pay child support. I'm sorry, but that's a financial obligation he has, and by extension it's part of your family's financial picture until your step-daughter has aged out of getting support. When you decided he would stay home, you decided that you would be responsible for taking care of the family's finances while he cared for your children. You act like you did his ex a favor, but you didn't. No one should pat you on the back because you paid his child support so that your children would have a full-time caregiver. 


mtiger's Avatar mtiger 08:55 AM 10-12-2012

Our kids didn't need FB to know their Dad took his wife and stepkids on some pretty nice trips w/o inviting them. They knew. Heck - *I* knew. It is what it is.

 

I do feel for your stepdaughter - I would bet she knows quite well what you think of her mother. And that is not an easy thing for a child to process.
 


WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 11:46 AM 10-12-2012

It's so much harder to describe on paper without writing a novel.  We never do anything "major" without inviting her, but it's always a family reunion or so and so is having a baby of why she can't go.  If it's summer time, she can do whatever, but keep in mind we do pay child support the 3 mths she is here and pay for all the travel expenses 100%.  When she returns, she always takes one of our old suitcases with all the clothes my girls have outgrown to send to her siblings.  I pay for all of that.  There is so much more to the story than has been said. 

 

But that is neither here nore there. 

 

And Dad hasn't had a job due to numerous reasons.  I pay for that child's everything nearly on top of CS.  School clothes, supplies, a box of anything she ask every month filled to the rim, IPHONE, school pics, school fees, school tuition, medical bills, glasses, dental bills, you name it.  Now my husband was a stay at home dad for really only 2 mths while my DD was on life support when he stayed with her in the hospital.  But he was unemployed and "looking", but my daughters were in daycare, or atleast I have paid for their daycare since they were 6 weeks old to keep their slot.  But for mths mths I was pregnant and he left me b/c he acted childish and went away from his responsiblity b/c he felt like he was in high school all over again knocking someone up.  I paid b/c I felt it was my family's problem not hers(BM).  When we PCS and he is without a job, and I can barely put raman on the table, I pay her, b/c it's my fault we move.  When there are layoffs, and he gets cut b/c they know he will leave anyways when we get orders, I pay.  I feel like it's my responsibility b/c I have put him in these situations, but I have ultimately come to realize that I was active duty before we got married.  He knew what he was getting into, as well as I did knowing he had a child from a previous relationship.

 

But for 9 years my life has been on complete hold.  We saved every month for the summer.  Zero going to the movies, zero trips to the skating rink, zero trips to chuckie cheese's.  The only time we did something was for a bday party or if it was a present "from my parents to take those grandbabies as they would always say".  My kids have been in daycare since they were 6 weeks old, minus the older one for about 3 months b/c 2 of those she lived in the hospital, but I still had to pay to keep her slot.  (Maybe I'm just burnt out, and tired of whatever I do it not being enough) 

 

It's prob better than I just put her(SD) back to limited, b/c I will not feel guilty for her not being with us anymore.  I have put my life on hold for 9 years, but how fair is that to my daughters?  We can never do anything if this SS is not here, we save all year so she can have a great summer.  This is my first year of breaking free.  And I know it stinks for her.  I really do. And I hate it for her.  I wish I could fix it all, believe me I have tried.  But I think the part of being a SM is knowing when to back off, and out.   It just took a long long time for me to realize that.  Believe me, I have got critisized like crazy, even on this forum, trying to make things right for her.  But BM after BM told me to back off that she had a mother, and to let my husband be a father.

 

I didn't state it better in regards to not writing a novel, but I didn't choose for him to stay home.  He lost his job, b/c they said he only got 3 days off and said he had to come back, he said he needed atleast a month, they told him to pack his things that they didn't have time to wait.  So we reacted to the situation.  In that time, I did pay her b/c it was my child who was the reason he lost his job.  We didn't know at the time that we could have sued them or atleast got unemployment. (We were young)  Too much was going on for us to know what was all happening to us.  But yes, for 9 years I have done everything, and I'm telling you everything.  Let's just say too much.

 

Also, I never said anyone should pay me back.  Just back off from me.  That's all...  She(BM) is just so used to me doing everything she asked.  Or when she intentionally stole from me numerous of times, I never did anything to her.  But now that I am standing up for myself and taking care of my kids, now there is a problem?  You can't take and take and take, and all you do is yell and steal and blame me for her kid not having what mine do.  I tried to be her friend, I tried to be there for her when no one else.  My parents have even gave her loans so she didn't have to ask her parents.  She uses my parents address so her parents don't get things in the mail.   And I am not asking for a pat on the back, never even said anything in regards to it... Also, when CS was made up, we were married.  He had a great job, and we had no kids.  He made more then.  So now we have 3 kids and I make less than what he made when CS was established.  Well, I paid that amount.  That was not my place.  PERIOD...  If we would have went back to court he would only be obligated to pay $50 a month, but how fair is that? What I wrote, was a brief and I say brief, view on how I feel.  All I stated was I'm tired.  I tired of it all. I am not saying that I am a saint by no means.  I am just saying that I have tried, and repeatedly got pooped on.  I'm tired of everything, and the best thing that I have done for myself and my kids is to back off.

 

And it seems as though FB is giving her(BM) ammunion where it's really none of her concern.  I provide for my children, she provides for hers.  She has never not received the minimal CS check, EVER!!!  She is just made she doesn't get extra now. 

 

My question was about FB.  Do stepparents block their stepkids from their account? 

 

I feel bad for my SD too.  Actually, she is prob starting to see b/c she is older, and this is a recent thing of me not "giving in" to her mother.  We always sent BM, her stepdad, and all her siblings Christmas presents.  I used to talk to her BM, like a friend would.  All the recentment really didn't start for me and the BM till she got married and became a SM herself.  I thought things would be great, but I think the BM of his ex was so bad to my SD's BM, that somewhere in her head, she thought she could treat me worse.  Or maybe money just got tighter, or her stresses just got out of hand.  And you know, I have always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.  All I am saying is that I will not walk on egg shells the rest of my life.  I can't. 

 

I love my SD.  She is a really sweet child.  I would never do anything to attentionally hurt her.  I wish I could just have her with us 100% of the time, but that is not fair to her.  My husband will not go to court and fight for her b/c would good does that do for her?  He doesn't want to pin her against anyone.  It is her decision.  It has always been.  And she loves her mother. 

 

But my question was about if anyone else is having issues with FB?  My best friend is a single parent, and she gets mad about seeing pics of her ex on his FB doing things, he has never paid CS a day in his life.  I told her to block him.  FB is not a place that should make you mad to to login.  But she told me that by "us - me and her" doing things and going places just the kids and us too, the BM doesn't have a say.  But honestly, my husband doesn't like doing "family like" things.  He likes hanging out with his friends.  So it is usually me and my girlfriends and thier kids, but I know my SD BM doesn't see it that way.


VocalMinority's Avatar VocalMinority 02:07 PM 10-12-2012

I don't have time to read all the responses, so sorry if this is repetitive.  You can specifically block your step-daughter's bio-mom from seeing anything on your FB page, without blocking your SD.  Just explore the privacy settings.  Perhaps Mom logs in as SD and sees your photos that way.  In that case, you have to choose your priorities.  What does Mom do (or might she realistically do) with the information on your FB page, that's detrimental to your or your family?  

 

If it's reasonable to think Mom might figure out you're at Disney every other weekend and hire someone to stalk you guys and kidnap one of your younger kids, by all means explain to your SD that you love her, but her mother's access to her FB account makes it unsafe for you to "friend" her.  You'll be glad to show her all the pics next time she comes to visit.

 

However, if it just makes you feel uncomfortable...you know Mom judges and bad-mouths you behind your back...then shrug it off!  Clearly, you're a tough woman.  You can do it.  The effort to make your husband's child feel welcomed in every possible way, as part of his family with you, ought to be a higher priority than avoiding yucky feelings about his ex-wife.  You're stronger than feelings.  In my opinion, your step-child deserves more personal sacrifices and effort than a first cousin or a co-worker.  If you don't want them looking at your family vacation photos, that's your right.  You should not feel that way about your step-daughter, nor should you cut her out of seeing the family photos because she might let her mom see them.  (Again, unless her mom might do something criminal with the information.)


WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 02:34 PM 10-12-2012

Thanks so much VocalMinority. 

 

My SD BM is blocked from my FB and my Cell Phone.  She gets on her daughter's FB page, which is understandable.  But she looks at "my pics" and then starts stuff with my husband.  

 

The BM says that it's ashame he takes care of his "new" family, and not his first daughter.  Now come on...  I work full time, and I provide what I want to for my children.  Ever since I stopped giving "my" income to the BM, and he decided that all she needed from his was the Child Support, that's on him.  (We have separate accounts - I pay all bills + daycare for 2 kids and what is left is my money - He pays child support and insurance, the rest is his money)  That is what works for us. 
 

You know what?  You are right...  I talk to my SD atleast once a week.  She always says text her a pic of the girls at that moment.  She loves to see them.  She loves them.  Now her mom, my husband's ex high school girlfriend, just wants to have a reason to get mad.  I know her life is hard, but like my momma always said, "You make your own bed, now sleep in it!!"  I hope that it doesn't bother my SD, she doesn't tell us if it does.  But she is always asking for pics, so I wouldn't think it's as bad as her BM says it is, not who knows.  The BM is with her daily, and we are not. 

 

And I do agree with you in her not being in the same boat as a cousin or co-worker.  I was just making a statement of what I had done to limit who I share pics/info with.  She is clearly not in that same catagory.  I just don't want to make HER, my SD, feel uncomfortable.  And our family pics are our life.  She has her own life, so I know she knows that time just can't stand still till she returns.  It's not like I am rubbing it in her face.  It's just our life... 

 

And her mom can't do anything criminal with the information.  She is just a very unhappy woman.

 

But thank you for your response.  I get a lot of mixed feeling on this topic. 


rightkindofme's Avatar rightkindofme 05:26 PM 10-21-2012

Parental alienation is criminal. It sounds like you have a clear case.

 

You sound like a very good woman. You are taking care of your responsibilities and then some. Thank you. Not everyone is so honorable. I think it is ok for your husband to decide to just send CS and you should not feel guilty about that. It's his decision. You make your money. Spend it. Have fun. Take pictures. Be happy. There is no reason to allow people who have made different choices to shame you.


grisandole's Avatar grisandole 10:52 PM 10-23-2012

Your dh pays his child support, that's all he needs to do. It is a tricky situation when the child has significantly different financial situations, but if the parents are healthy about it, then the child shouldn't suffer. To those that think that its a shame that your SD lives in a garage while you all go on fancy vacations, that is the MOTHERS choice. And I'll bet if the mother treated the situation differently, SD wouldn't be impacted by it. Being poor and living with family isn't a bad situation. All that matters is a roof over their head, clothing, and food. After that, it's all about perception. My ex and I had a nice house and "things", yet we were all miserable. We were much happier living in a trailer on the side of a friends house. Money, or lack of it, isn't the problem.

 

I see both sides to this as I'm living it. I make about 1/3 of what my ex makes. Based on my income, ds qualifies for free/reduced school lunch. When he is with his dad, they go on vacations, eat out, go places all the time, and he gets "things". When he is with me, totally different. We don't do much that required money, but he has a fun time while he his here and doesn't really see any difference between the households. He doesn't feel like there is lack or suffering here. But I'm sure he would if I acted like the OP's ex. And yes, I do get frustrated sometimes. It's hard to see my ex pull up in yet another new vehicle when mine is falling apart and I can't afford it. That's a normal emotion. But then, I realize that I am responsible for MY life, my things, my share of child rearing. I do what I can, and it shouldn't be my exe's job to fix my finances. On the flip side, my dh's ex  wife is in a bad financial situation and thinks that we should be giving her EVERYTHING, and like the OP, she tells SS exactly how he feels. She feels that it isn't fair that we have so much, when she is living with family and doesn't have much. But aside from paying c/s, why on earth should we provide her with extras? We don't make much more than she does, and even if we did, why would we? I am not cold hearted, I'm very giving, and it's one thing to help a little when someone needs it, but another to be expected to provide for an adult who is capable of taking care of themselves.

 

To answer the OP, I do not have my SS on my FB. If I were you I would just change the privacy settings so that she can only see certain things, and when you post pics you can set it to "allow everyone except" and that way she won't see them.
 


bella00's Avatar bella00 03:12 PM 11-26-2012

No, but SD isn't old enough fo Facebook yet. If she was, yes I would accept her.

 

However I do block my own stepmother from Facebook and she's been my stepmother for 20+ years and in that time we've always had a poor relationship. We've never had our own relationship outside of my dad. If it weren't for him, I doubt we'd continue a "relationship". Neither of us put in any effort to see eachother if it isn't a holiday when other relatives will be aroud. She's also a very difficult person to deal with. No way do I want someone who is so jealous, insecure, and who i have to walk on eggshells with my every comment on my facebook. I can only imagine how posting pictures of my family, pictures of events that include my mom might bother her if she wasn't incuded. I'd have to block her from so many posts and pictures to make sure her feelings wouldn't get hurt. However I do have my dad, all relatives from his side, and even some of my stepmother's relatives on Facebook. My stepmother is just a toxic person that I don't want to be a big part of my life so I keep her at a distance. I know she probably sees some of my Facebook stuff cause of my dad, but I like not having to be FB friends with her. However she rarely uses FB (hasn't used in at least a year) so its not that big of a deal.


~Nikki~'s Avatar ~Nikki~ 06:57 AM 12-03-2012

I am a bio-mom, but I do know that my daughter's step-mother DID block her from facebook.  I was ok with this.  DD was hurting pretty badly after seeing her step-mother brag about the lavish trips she was taking her daughter on.  One of them happened to be my daughter's dream vacation - one that I told her I'd take her on "some day" when we're done paying for daycare and crazy kid expenses.  My ex doesn't pay child support (he has been ordered to, but refuses).  So from MY point of view, it sucks to see the money they're throwing around on leisure, when he claims to not be able to afford the basics for his own children.  I get that side of it.

 

Do I have an issue with her blocking DD?  No.  It's for her own protection, and honestly, I used to go in and remove stories from her News Feed that I knew she would find hurtful (ie: photos of her father lavishing attention on his step-daughter on a weekend he claimed he couldn't take the kids because he had to work.)  So this makes it a lot easier, now that I don't have to police it.

 

I'd prefer that she not have a facebook account at all.  I set it up for her when her father left the country, because he refused to provide us with a mailing address (so the kids could write him letters - they even bought funky stationary when their dad left in anticipation of it, so that sucked) or a phone number.  Facebook seemed to be one platform he magically could access, and DD wanted to be able to stay in touch with him.  Now that he's back, I wanted to deactivate the account.  But she's all into the stupid facebook games, so I let her keep it for that.

 

I hate it, though.  Facebook causes so much needless drama.

 

No, I don't think it's a big deal to block your SD from your photos.  You have the right to privacy.


WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 01:33 PM 12-03-2012

Thanks for all the responses.  I did talk to to my SD, and asked her about it.  She said, "It sucks that ya'll can do that stuff, but I know that my sisters can't see their family here."  She is a very smart child.  She said she loves seeing the pictures!  She said she wishes she could be here all the time, but then she couldn't see her family there either.  So she knows that it stinks, but doesn't expect us to sit and await her return.  She said that it helps her make a list of what she wants to do in her life.  She is a sweet girl.  I love her so much.
 


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