Really steamed... But, a surpise! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 10-24-2012, 03:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, as previously complained about at length… DH filed a petition asking that DSS’s mom stop paying child support “through the cost of her visits”, after she went an entire year without visiting.  She asked to continue the hearing, in favor of mediation (since the mediator doesn’t have the authority to modify the child support orders).  The court granted it.



 



Today, we learned the date of mediation, as well as the fact that the date was chosen because Mom contacted the mediator and stressed it was the only convenient day for her.



 



It’s our anniversary.



 



That much, Mom knew.  What she may or may not know (but likely does, from DSS) is that DH and I always make a big deal out of it and go away for 2-3 days somewhere very quiet where we have no access to electronics or clocks and do absolutely nothing except hike around and have a couple nice meals at an awesome, organic-grown-on-site type of gourmet restaurant.  



 



There has not been a year we've needed that time more.



 



Although we've had our reservations for a year, sure, we can reschedule.  But I don't want to spend our only time all year away from our kids either preparing for mediation or discussing what happened at it.  We don't want to even mention Mom's name.  She may want to force my husband to spend weekly time in "reconciliation" counseling with her, but she is nuts and she's not allowed on our vacation.



 



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#2 of 9 Old 10-24-2012, 09:28 PM
 
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She really is nuts. Do you keep a stack of calendars around to mark off the days until you don't have to do this with her anymore?
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#3 of 9 Old 10-25-2012, 06:32 AM
 
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Wow.  That is seriously unbelievable.  Some people have entirely too much time on their hands to make others miserable.

 

I have a question about this "reconciliation counseling."  Does it actually mean she wants to reconcile with your DH???  Or is it a type of "how can we co-parent effectively" type thing?  And doesn't she live far away?  How are they supposed to attend these sessions?  Is your DH supposed to fly to her every week?!? 

 

Just.  UGH....


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#4 of 9 Old 10-25-2012, 08:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Kate&Joey View Post

I have a question about this "reconciliation counseling."  Does it actually mean she wants to reconcile with your DH???  Or is it a type of "how can we co-parent effectively" type thing?  And doesn't she live far away?  How are they supposed to attend these sessions?  Is your DH supposed to fly to her every week?!? 

She didn't say exactly.  But she lives very far away, so I assume she planned to attend by phone or Skype?

 

In the past, when she's been on the outs with other support sources (as it sounds like she is now), she has indeed abruptly stopped battling with my husband and suggested they "reconcile" and even have another baby!  As though she truly thinks, for convenience, two people might simply resume their marriage where they left off, regardless of the crazy lies, false accusations and parental alienation.  Of course, last time Mom proposed that, DH wasn't married to someone else.  She's difficult as heck, but not actually insane, so surely she doesn't think they might get back together.  

 

Most likely, she means she and DH should stay out of court.  She complained that he always refuses her offers of counseling, so he must be ordered to go.  Translation:  "See?  I'm the cooperative one.  The only real problem here is that he doesn't try to resolve problems, except by going to court."  

 

When in truth, since DH has had custody, she requests counseling as a way to avoid following court orders.  Ex.:  "Please send DSS's coverage document from your health insurance, which you're required to give me.  You said he had dental, but all his dentist bills have been rejected."... "I don't like your tone of blame.  Let's see a counselor together, so we can discuss this in a healthy way."  Translation:  "You may as well quit asking about this, because the only way I'll respond is if you pony up $100/hr. for a mediator."

 

Then again... She has gone through a couple periods, during our marriage, of trying to be physically affectionate when she sees DH and talking as though they still have some sort of bond.  She wrote him something to the effect that "she knew he, too was grieving over their circumstances".  It wasn't clear what she meant, but coupled with the hair-tousling and attempts at hugging, it gave DH the willies in a big way.  

 

And DH and I argue, like most couples.  Sometimes it's just a good, heated debate over a topic that interests us both; other times we're actually angry.  It wouldn't surprise me at all if DSS reports every disagreement to Mom - not to be disloyal, necessarily, but because he knows that kind of thing would please her and he's pretty invested in trying to tell her whatever keeps her happy.  Mom has no first-hand objective information about DH's and my relationship and she does a lot of sitting, stewing and scheming about things.  She may have convinced herself we're on the verge of breaking up.  And getting back together with DH would be a much surer and less expensive way to get her kid back, than going through the courts.  She has certainly planned stranger things, before.

 

The important thing is, the judge had the sense to order regular mediation, not counseling.  

 

But it is just yucky weird.


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#5 of 9 Old 10-25-2012, 11:14 AM
 
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Ewww.  That is yucky weird.  I get it.

 

Thank goodness the judge hasn't enforced the counseling request.  Because that's just bizarre.  Your DH and the Ex aren't required to "get along"; they're divorced.  But the Ex is required to follow court orders.  Yeesh.

 

I get funny feelings like that about my DH's Ex as well.  I suspect she would take him back in a second if it wasn't for me (although she claims to despise him).  I am very conscious of any hint of disagreement between the two of us when DSD is around (although like you said, it is normal for married couples to not see eye to eye...every second of every day!). 

 

If I can't attend a sporting event or something where DSD's mother is in attendance, she finds reasons to approach DH and engage with him.  Normally when I'm there, she stays clear of us.  And just last week, DH reported that when he and DS drove up, she was looking all over the parking lot to see if I was there as well (sometimes we have to take separate cars due to logistics).

 

I've overheard her asking DSD on the phone things like, "Oh, you went out to dinner?  Did ALL of you go?"  Always curious....

 

Anyway, sorry to thread-jack!  I feel so sorry for your DSS.  It sounds like his mother puts him in an awful position.  I can relate to that with my DSD as well. 

 

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#6 of 9 Old 10-26-2012, 11:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Our personal soap opera rolls on...

 

As it turns out, when Mom contacted the mediator to unilaterally schedule their appointment, it was explained to her that both sides have to agree on the time.  Evidently, she told the mediator DH was pro se (so there was no attorney's schedule to worry about) and that she had already checked with DH, who was, indeed, available then.

 

Mom then emailed DH's atty (not DH personally), to dictate when he and DH had to show up for the mediation she had scheduled.  (So, clearly she knew DH was using his attorney for the mediation...)

 

Atty then explained things to the mediator, who was evidently apologetic for believing he and DH had agreed to the time, simply because Mom said so.  (A fabulous advance lesson:  Yes, this woman can appear completely earnest, cooperative, reasonable and believable, but she may be saying whatever the heck suits her purpose, with no regard whatever for the truth.)

 

Since DH and Atty both had conflicts on the day Mom chose, that day is now out and they're negotiating for a different week altogether.  thumb.gif

 

Umm...Way to introduce yourself to your mediator, Mom.  bag.gif


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#7 of 9 Old 10-26-2012, 11:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by VocalMinority View Post

Since DH and Atty both had conflicts on the day Mom chose, that day is now out and they're negotiating for a different week altogether.  thumb.gif

 

Umm...Way to introduce yourself to your mediator, Mom.  bag.gif

 

isn't it nice when the other party's insanity starts to show in public? =)

 

Glad to hear your anniversary plans can continue as planned!

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Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#8 of 9 Old 10-26-2012, 11:59 AM
 
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Wow. Happy Anniversary!

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~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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#9 of 9 Old 10-27-2012, 09:36 AM
 
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Close call! Your triumph over Evil will make the trip extra sweet!partners.gif


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