HELP - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 5 Old 10-31-2012, 08:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
outofhand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My boyfriend and I recently decided to cohabitate.

 

I have a 10 year old boy and a 6 year old boy. I have full custody, and they visit their father every other weekend. 

 

He has a 2 year old girl, a 6 year old boy, and an 8 year old boy. He only has them every other weekend.

 

We have all 5 children every other weekend. It has turned into a real nightmare. The 6 year olds do nothing but fight. I am the only one who disciplines, and am constantly the bad guy. His son blatantly disrespects me and my home. He hits and whines all of the time. I can not take it. I have never met such an unruly child in my entire life. I understand that this is a new situation for everyone, so I try not to get upset. I have definitely chosen sides, and i know that's not right either. I just think that kid is BAD. I know that my 6 year old is no angel, but I have control with him.

 

I am at my whits end. Should I just throw in the towel and move on? I love their father, but I am not sure how much more I can take.

 

Any advise.   

outofhand is offline  
#2 of 5 Old 11-02-2012, 01:03 PM
 
VocalMinority's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: surrounded by testosterone
Posts: 1,301
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

When a person has young children at home, it is emotionally - but not at all practically - possible to love them, separate from their children.  Your BF and his kids are a package deal, just as you are a package deal with your children.  You would be wrong, to bring someone into your children's home who doesn't like them.  It is just as wrong for him to do so.  

 

He may not see this.  He may want you there because he loves you and may be turning a blind eye.  Or he may feel, "It's only every other weekend".  If so, do you REALLY want to be with a man who makes his GF more important than his kids?  You shouldn't.  

 

It doesn't matter if you're right and his son IS bad.  (Although, with a 6-y-o, I don't really believe that's true.  I believe he may be poorly parented, or have parents/caregivers who don't understand his needs.)  Bad or good, he is six and he deserves to be the most important thing in the world, to both of his parents.  He should not have to live - even EOW - with an adult who does not like him and thinks he's inherently bad.

 

And you should not have to pretend you think otherwise - nor inflict this child on your own children - for the sake of loving your BF.  You're not married.  Raising (or "fixing") his son is not your responsibility.  Your only responsibility here is to be mature enough to put the children first and not do what's wrong for them, because you can't stand breaking up.

 

Besides, long-term, how do you see this working out?  Do you imagine he will change and become a better parent?  Do you imagine it will eventually bother you less, that he slacks off in disciplining the kids and makes you the bad guy?  What if you two have a kid together?  You'll be dealing with the same problems, but you won't have the same freedom to walk away.

 

Based on how you worded your own post, I think you suspect this is not going to work out.  Listen to your wisdom, more than your need to feel like you're not alone.  The first will help you be strong and find a better situation.  The second will keep making you feel weaker and more dependent.  Do the right thing for yourself and the children who are looking to you as their example.


One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
VocalMinority is online now  
#3 of 5 Old 11-03-2012, 07:02 AM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,528
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
While I agree with VM that you will ultimately need to walk away from this situation if it doesn't improve, I think that's the last resort. If you live this man, you owe him the unvarnished truth about how you're feeling, and the opportunity to change his behavior and make the EOWs go more smoothly. If your family life is good the other 26 days of the month, it makes sense to try hard to get the 5-kid version of the family into a functional place.
Smithie is offline  
#4 of 5 Old 11-04-2012, 01:18 AM
 
grisandole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Southern California
Posts: 5,151
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

I don't think that the OP means that she feels the kid is inherently bad, I took it as he acts poorly, which would be common in that situation to a point, and moreso if the father is doing the typical "weekend/disneyland/doesn't want to discipline and parent" routine which it sounds like it is. OP, maybe it will help if you realize that the child isn't really the problem, it's the parenting (lack of) that your BF is doing that is the real issue. If your bf had your back and was actively addressing these issues, I think you would feel better. You need to talk to your bf about this, and not in a "your kid is out of control" way; more like, "how are WE going to deal with blending our families". You need to let him know your concerns and expectations, and get some dialouge going. I know that emotions run high, but try to be objective. I hope things work out!
 


"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

grisandole is offline  
#5 of 5 Old 11-12-2012, 03:25 AM
 
farmermomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 879
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Can you switch weekends for awhile? Sounds like a lot to deal with. Give everyone a little time to adjust to a new situation. Do the 5 kid thing a bit down the road.
farmermomma is online now  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off