bio-dad not ok with step-parent cosleeping - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 45 Old 02-04-2013, 08:17 AM
 
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Note the words "an accusation" of abuse. 


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#32 of 45 Old 02-04-2013, 07:39 PM
 
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For me, I couldn;t imagine being comfortable with another adult co-sleeping with my child. Not because of the thought or threat of abuse. I agree that there is much more chance of sexual abuse if the child is on their own in their own room.

For me, co-sleeping is a very intimate relationship. I would feel jealous and insecure that some other person was having such a close and intimate relationship with my child. Being the one they snuggle up to, the one they wake up to in the morning. Maybe the father is jealous of the level of intimacy (in the emotional sense, not sexual) that the BF is having with the child.

Or like a PP said,maybe worried about the level of intimacy that may go one between the adults (of the sexual nature) in the bedroom while child is sleeping.


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#33 of 45 Old 02-05-2013, 01:36 PM
 
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I don't think there is anything wrong with a step-parent co-sleeping, especially since we are talking about co-sleeping with the other parent present most of the time. That said, it doesn't really matter what I think because Dad doesn't like it, and that's what you need to consider. 

 

On the one hand, it cold be considered a parenting decision, and each parent (family) should be able to make their own day-to-day parenting decisions in their own home without the other parent having a say. On the other hand, if there is something the other parent is uncomfortable enough with to speak up about it, it makes sense for the other parent to at least consider it.

We don't think the media that is allowed at mom's house is appropriate, so my husband expresses his concern and shares his opinion. Mom considers his opinion and decides whether or not she's going to change what she is doing. If my husband feels it is something truly harmful (or potentially harmful), he might get a mediator, lawyer, or the court involved to try to stop it.

 

I see this the same way. Is there a way you can compromise so dad feels more comfortable? There have been lots of great suggestions that honor your desire to support your son's needs as well as dad's needs. Like someone else said, I don't think this would be a hill to die on, unless I felt like the benefits of co-sleeping outweighed Dad's concerns and there wasn't a middle ground that seemed reasonable. That doesn't seem, from my perspective anyway, to be the case here.


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#34 of 45 Old 02-06-2013, 07:25 AM
 
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This isn't even a grey area. Your recent partner should not be sleeping in the same bed with your child. I would tell your boyfriend that if your son needs to be in your bed as he transitions to his own, then the adult is going to have to be a big boy and move.

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#35 of 45 Old 02-06-2013, 07:59 AM
 
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I'm with most of the other posts. I do not think it is appropriate for your boyfriend to be sleeping in the same bed as your child. I could possibly see a step parent cosleeping if they were married to the parent and the child was really young and the step parent had been part of the family for a really long time (at least half the child's life or longer). In the situation I can fully understand the biological father being upset. Beyond that the biological father has a case against the biological mom anytime he wants to get full custody. A court would likely side with the dad when they hear that the mom is having her kindergarten age son sleeping in bed with her boyfriend, especially if that child doesn't have another bed available. In a situation like this is doesn't really matter what reality is, it's how the police, child protective services, and a judge would interpret what is happening. To them it's not only really odd that a school age child does not have their own bed (they might think the mom and boyfriend are forcing him to sleep in their bed) but it's a situation where the boyfriend could very easily abuse the child (by waiting until the mom is asleep, getting her drunk, or giving her drugs to make her sleep more deeply). Irregardless of what I or anyone thinks of it what matters is what the biological dad thinks and what he will do with that information.

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#36 of 45 Old 02-06-2013, 02:21 PM
 
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Maybe this should have been posted in the night time parenting section where people dont automatically view co sleeping with an older child so negatively.  A molester could just as easily wait until his wife/gf  was asleep to go and molest a child, no matter where the child sleeps. Actually, a child is safer in such a case by his mothers side. 

 

Its not my issue, the OP asked the question.  But for me, i parent in a way that puts my childs interests first, not his fathers,  or potential strangers. Nor would i take into consideration what a court might potentially think or some social worker might potentially think. (unless there was a real risk of going to court which there doesnt appear to be here) Why is everyone forgetting the best interests of the child?  In this case,  let the child sleep where he wants, give him the option of his own bed, but  dont push him out of his usual bed just because  his mothers partner and  baby might be on the other side (...of a large bed)....

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#37 of 45 Old 02-06-2013, 04:58 PM
 
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I agree posting elsewhere may not have been quite so negative, but many of the posters here have experience with the court system and realize the possible problems this can cause for OP. Nevermind abuse accusations, if bio dad wants to take this to court, the judge will most likely side with him.
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#38 of 45 Old 02-07-2013, 04:41 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshyn74 View Post

I agree posting elsewhere may not have been quite so negative, but many of the posters here have experience with the court system and realize the possible problems this can cause for OP. Nevermind abuse accusations, if bio dad wants to take this to court, the judge will most likely side with him.

This isn't really about co-sleeping being "good" or "bad". It's about how courts would likely view it, and I would guess there is more than a good chance the court system would side with Dad on this one, given the age of the child. I would end it, if this was my family and my ex had stated a problem--for the potential legal/custody reasons alone.

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#39 of 45 Old 02-07-2013, 07:43 AM
 
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Yes, i think  that this being the blended/step parenting forum,  many posters do have personal experience with the courts. Thats is certainly a valid perspective, but perhaps not yet relevant in the situation the OP described.  OP, if youre still around, see how people respond in the  night time parenting section. 

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#40 of 45 Old 02-11-2013, 05:12 AM
 
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FWIW, 5-6 is an easy age to transition to a kid's own bed.  I co-slept with my girls until they were 5 and 8.  They are abuse victims.  I got them bunk beds off the side of the road, and new sheets, and they hopped right in, excited.  They come in my bed when they are sick or scared- but only once or twice in a year and a half have they been scared.  They sleep through the thunderstorms.  I actually thought they would come back to my bed more often, and have been a little sentimental about it.

 

I don't think our opinions about co-sleeping matter.  It's the opinion of your X and the courts where you live that matter.  The divorce judge I had might very likely take away custody for co-sleeping with a BF. 

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#41 of 45 Old 02-11-2013, 03:16 PM
 
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There are two questions here: 1) is it "inappropriate" for the OP and son to co-sleep with the boyfriend, and 2) is it inadvisable to do so for legal reasons?

 

The second question: there are many posters here who have experience with the courts and are saying it's inadvisable since some courts may take issue with it. I accept that.

 

But as for the first question--is in inappropriate--I'm going to say not necessarily! Why is sleep suddenly so sacred? What it is about sleeping that makes it horrifyingly inappropriate for anyone but "bio-parents" to do it with their children? (Never mind that there are lots of adoptive parents happily sleeping with their kids.) The boyfriend is around during the day and surely interacts kindly with the child while the child is actually awake. It's perfectly appropriate for the boyfriend to, say, pick up the child when he cries or hurts himself, or share meals with the child, or play games with him, sing songs with him, watch movies with him, etc. Why would sleeping with him be held to a different standard?

 

My husband and I work a lot of nights, so my son often falls asleep snuggling with his grandma or the babysitter. He naps mostly with me, but if one of my friends is over and wants to snuggle with him instead, I welcome the break! It never occurred to me that it would be considered inappropriate for him to sleep beside anyone who isn't me or my husband, as some have suggested here. But I guess I don't view sleeping with the same reverence as some of you do.

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#42 of 45 Old 02-15-2013, 07:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa View Post

FWIW, 5-6 is an easy age to transition to a kid's own bed.  I co-slept with my girls until they were 5 and 8.  They are abuse victims.  I got them bunk beds off the side of the road, and new sheets, and they hopped right in, excited.  They come in my bed when they are sick or scared- but only once or twice in a year and a half have they been scared.  They sleep through the thunderstorms.  I actually thought they would come back to my bed more often, and have been a little sentimental about it.

 

I don't think our opinions about co-sleeping matter.  It's the opinion of your X and the courts where you live that matter.  The divorce judge I had might very likely take away custody for co-sleeping with a BF. 

 

Just because it was easy for your kids doesnt mean its easy for every kid. I have one child who would happily sleep in his own bed (he's currently in with me though), no problem. He's generally an easy going kid. I think even at age 2 or 3 it would have not been difficult to transition him into a "big boy" bed. My other son who is exactly the same age as the other one...im not sure he'll ever want his own bed (exaggerating only a little)...he wont fall asleep unless im next to him and usually wakes up as soon as i get out of the bed unless im very very very quiet. My oldest was in my bed fulltime until probably age 8 and part time until 11 when i adopted the baby and the baby was in with me. The only reason i think he slept separate from me starting at age 8 or whatever was because i moved into a twin bed and there was no room for him.

 

Its easy for people to suggest "time for a big boy bed!" but for two of my three sons, that would have involved A LOT of trauma and crying and would not have been a good situation at all. My youngest are now both 5 yrs old and im ready for them to be OUT of my bed, but not sure how well thats going to go over with the one.


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#43 of 45 Old 03-05-2013, 07:41 PM
 
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oh we didn't do the 'time for a big girl bed'.  there was much talking and transition and negotiation.  i think with many kids, there will be a developmental leap combined with a couple months of emotional stability...it comes at different ages for different kids- some might think boys later than girls.  but when you see this window of opportunity, be prepared to jump on it!  i totally did not expect my 6 year old to be fine with it, but she was.  it was a complete and total shocker to me!  so sometimes, even a kiddo who by all indications wants to stay in your bed forever, will just up and change her mind.  i also tend to think...most adults don't like to sleep alone...why should kids? 
 

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#44 of 45 Old 03-12-2013, 02:09 PM
 
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I was in a similar situation - I met my BF when my son was 18mo, and I had been separated from son's bio-dad since before he was born. We moved in with BF when my son was about to turn 2yrs, and we have co-slept to some extent since. My son has always gone to bed alone in his own bed, and then joined me when he wakes up, so BF and I have always gone to bed alone, and woken up as 3. For the first year, I was always in the middle, not bc I cared about DS snuggling BF, but because I didn't want BF to be uncomfortable. Now?! We have lived together as a family for almost 18 months, and DS & BF are snuggle buddies. Our situation is different in many ways, but that is what worked for us :)


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#45 of 45 Old 03-18-2013, 11:32 AM
 
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I think it depends on how long you have been with your boyfriend & how well your son knows him. I also think that having co-parented for so long that you have to take into consideration your son's bio-fathers wishes.

 

With that being said, my DS is 5 and I met my SO when he was 2. He falls asleep in his bed and ends up with us in the morning. We have lived together for over a year now. He has also been the only Dad my DS has ever known and they are really close so it is not like he's sleeping with a "stranger". I think it just depends on the specific situation.

 

I cannot imagine leaving my SO and then completely changing what my DS currently knows. Then again, he crawls in bed with me at night and that I cannot help regardless of the situation.

 

Best of luck.


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