Accepting H's toddler daughter from an affair - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 141 Old 01-23-2013, 07:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
chikeemomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 29
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Im so grateful that there is a place like this where I can come to and feel safe to vent and ask for advice. You all are so awesome! If it weren't for this community I would have no where to turn for venting or advice.

My life is my babies...my home...and my job.

As of current my only sister is refusing to talk to me because she can't stand the fact that I'm still around and have not taken any action...she's pretty much disowned me at this point.
chikeemomma is offline  
#62 of 141 Old 01-23-2013, 08:01 PM
 
lilgreen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,699
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)

I'm sorry your sister is not capable of giving you support right now. That's hard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post

Yeah, there is a HUGE issue going on here, and it's not just the act of having an affair.

Can you re-read this... and all your posts... as if your best friend or sister wrote it? What advice would you give to her? I'm worried that you may be missing some major problems with H because it's so hard to look objectively at your own life.
 

 

For surely you can't see what's happening from even a remotely objective perspective. I agree with this suggestion. Also, please download and read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. There are some parts on infidelity and lying, etc. I believe this book will really resonate with you. Be open to it, read it over a few times - especially the parts that really relate to you/your H. I believe it will give you some clarity. Download it to your smartphone or laptop:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 

 

This book profoundly affected me and offered me a lot of necessary knowledge.

 

ETA: protect your health. I don't know the nature of your current relationship with H, but if he is coercing you to have sex (that's sexual abuse if he is pressuring, insisting, etc.!), please protect yourself. It's a statement to him, I know - that you can't trust him - and that can be scary because who knows what kind of blow-up or rant will follow and besides we always give in to their coercions in an effort to just stop the tension.  But you need to stay healthy and you have that right.

lilgreen is offline  
#63 of 141 Old 01-23-2013, 10:16 PM
 
phathui5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 17,478
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Along the lines of the previous post, OP, you should have STI testing done if you haven't already. 

 

As far as integrating another child into the family, I think that I would need to have a few months of couples counseling with dh before we did any introductions.


Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
phathui5 is offline  
#64 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 03:27 AM
 
thispathisme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 148
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by chikeemomma View Post

Has anyone done this or know of anyone who has?

Yes. When I was a child I had a friend who was an only child living with her married parents. Around 2nd or 3rd grade her "sister" started coming to her birthday parties. She was a few months younger than us and the product of an affair my friend's father had with another woman.

Of course, as I remember it, I didn't think about all that. It was fun for me and my friend to have her around. I don't know what happened in the background with my friend's family but it wasn't good. They stayed together, the parents and my friend, for years. The other sister would come for visits. At some point the visits stopped. The sisters hated each other. My friend's parents got a divorce. When we were in our late teens her father married a much younger woman and had twin boys, and moved far away. My friend felt abandoned. Her mother dated a series of not so good guys. She was much older at this point and is now single. And my friend went on to have a bunch of terrible relationships with guys often much, much older than she was. Not a big deal now that we're adults, but in my mind, not a good thing at all when we were 18.

I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, since you didn't ask. But there's a story of someone who stayed.
thispathisme is offline  
#65 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 03:42 AM
 
VocalMinority's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: surrounded by testosterone
Posts: 1,292
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

A younger friend was dating a guy, long-term.  They had some issues, took a short break, then got back together and got engaged.  Then he learned he had accidentally gotten another girl pregnant during the break.  She still married him and they have 2 kids of their own, now.  All this took place in his home state, but after their 2nd child was born, they moved back to my friend's home state, some 1,000 miles away.  She says this has been good for the marriage, in general.  I imagine part of the reason is less-frequent contact with his other kid - which sucks for that kid; and for the husband, if he cares about that relationship; and potentially for my friend's kids, who won't know their sibling well (although they're young and don't know the difference at this point).  I don't think the other kid comes to visit them, although surely the husband sees his other kid when he goes back to visit family.

 

In short, that situation should be a lot easier than what you describe, since my friend and her husband weren't married and technically weren't even dating at the point he got the other woman pregnant.  And yet, it's still painful.

 

Another friend of mine discovered her husband had a daughter by another woman.  My friend and her husband had a daughter of their own, who was almost exactly the same age.  By the time my friend discovered this, the marriage was basically down the tubes anyway.  My friend has a remarkably selfless attitude about the whole thing.  She figures she and this other woman were both lied to, treated poorly, and have been left without the partner in raising their child that they expected to have.  So, why hate each other?  Isn't it better to support each other?  After all, their daughters are sisters - and the same age, so they could easily be friends if the moms didn't mess it up.  They organize regular get-togethers for their daughters, even if the dad isn't always responsible enough to be involved.

 

She is an unusual person, to be sure.  But you can't dismiss the validity of putting the blame and anger where it belongs.  Certainly, though, her arrangement with the other mom is dependent upon that mom's personality and perspective.  And it obviously wouldn't work as well, if the other mom were still dating the husband/father.


One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:  partners.gif  orfencing.gif... twin sons:lurk.giflurk.gif(HS juniors) ... step-son: guitar.gif (a freshman) ... our little man: kid.gif  (a kindergartener) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  ourdog2.gif. 
VocalMinority is offline  
#66 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 03:50 AM
 
EarthRootsStarSoul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 822
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post
It sounds like he's just going to keep doing whatever he wants. I also see some red flags that perhaps the relationship with the OW is not over. Obviously I don't know but I'd be really suspicious.

Yeah, that.  He has shown you that he is not going to change.  I think he's still with the other woman too.  3 to 4 hours most days of the week?  I'll bet you anything that he is spending that time as a happy little family of three.  They are probably still making out and having sex.  If you want that kind of marriage then great!  Stay married!  Your DH is a big, strong man with two wives swooning over him.  Isn't that great!  Polygamy is common around the world, you guys could choose to make it work.  And you get to play the role of the boring housewife while the OW gets to be the hot little miss thang! 

 

This issue is not so much about the other child.  The issue is your DH's obscene behavior. 

rebecca_n likes this.

bellyhair.giftreehugger.gif     coolshine.gif      greenthumb.gif     read.gif
EarthRootsStarSoul is offline  
#67 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 03:59 AM
 
mammal_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Urban Midwestern USA
Posts: 6,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

 and the other deserves one?

 

This was in reponse to the OP's comment "and give my own children the two parent family they deserve" and it really puzzles me that anyone would feel that the OP should be thinking about what the other child deserves. The other child has her own mother, who apparently didn't think it was essential to have everything in place for her child to have both mother and father in the same home when she made her baby.

 

Having read more, OP, I'm just so, so sorry that your dh is behaving ilke this! And actually, knowing how much time he's already been spending away from home without even telling you about the ow and the other baby, I don't see how you or he would have to lie to your children in order for him to keep on seeing this child without them, if you choose to give it another six months or so before figuring out how to introduce them all, as crunchy_momm suggested. It sounds like your kids are not exactly used to having Daddy just go to work and come straight home, and spend practically every spare minute with his family.

 

Again, I'm so sorry! I know that only you can make these choices, so I hope you surround yourself with good support and just trust yourself. You know yourself and your own children better than anyone else, and you are the best one to decide what's best for your family!


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
mammal_mama is offline  
#68 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 05:11 AM
 
serenbat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,102
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 33 Post(s)
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

 and the other deserves one?

 

This was in reponse to the OP's comment "and give my own children the two parent family they deserve" and it really puzzles me that anyone would feel that the OP should be thinking about what the other child deserves. The other child has her own mother, who apparently didn't think it was essential to have everything in place for her child to have both mother and father in the same home when she made her baby.

 

So what do you think the OP's children will think years from now- that's it was OK for them but not the sib? Some are better than others?

 

Frankly I don't think her children deserve a two family home in "name only". And coming that this is happening now, I assume the other mother wants a two family now as well and wants her child to have all the OP's children have- this happens often.


 

 pro-transparency advocate

&

lurk.gif  PROUD member of the .3% club!

 

Want to join? Just ask me!

 

"You know, in my day we used to sit on our ass smoking Parliaments for nine months.

Today, you have one piece of Brie and everybody goes berserk."      ROTFLMAO.gif 

serenbat is offline  
#69 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 05:42 AM
 
mammal_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Urban Midwestern USA
Posts: 6,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

So what do you think the OP's children will think years from now- that's it was OK for them but not the sib? Some are better than others?

 

Frankly I don't think her children deserve a two family home in "name only". And coming that this is happening now, I assume the other mother wants a two family now as well and wants her child to have all the OP's children have- this happens often.

 

I just don't understand why you would criticize the OP for making her own children's needs a priority. I'm sure she agrees that this whole situation is unfair for the other child, but she can't control what two other people decide to do with their reproductive organs. She can only control her own actions, and I'm totally in favor of her just focusing on her own needs and the needs of her own children right now. I'm not sure whether she'll decide that it's best for her and her children to stay in the marriage or not -- I'm just saying that it's perfectly reasonable for her to stay focused on meeting the needs of the three people for whom she has primary responsibility -- herself and her two sons.

phathui5 and LoveOurBabies like this.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
mammal_mama is offline  
#70 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 06:05 AM
 
serenbat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,102
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 33 Post(s)
Quote:
I just don't understand why you would criticize the OP for making her own children's needs a priority.

 

 

I didn't.

 

You are by saying only her children count and deserve more. Frankly her children are only her priority- the husband has another child- I really don't see it as fair to treat someone one way and the other as a second class just to make the OP feel good- children are children- I can't see how people are saying, such as you, only her children should be treated with a two family home and the other doesn't deserve it- that's not nice -IMO

 

Also the OP can try and control this all she wants but in the end it's not all up to her- the DH can start to make legal demands and change it- he can get a divorce and the kids all get together- a lot can happen that she will have no control over- just saying because it does happen. He can legally bring the other child into their home as well- it does happen.


 

 pro-transparency advocate

&

lurk.gif  PROUD member of the .3% club!

 

Want to join? Just ask me!

 

"You know, in my day we used to sit on our ass smoking Parliaments for nine months.

Today, you have one piece of Brie and everybody goes berserk."      ROTFLMAO.gif 

serenbat is offline  
#71 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 06:19 AM
 
Banana731's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the wild Midwestern Woods...
Posts: 3,718
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post


...And coming that this is happening now, I assume the other mother wants a two family now as well and wants her child to have all the OP's children have- this happens often.

That may be true. And you are probably right that the other child deserves to have a two parent family also. But the reality is that in order to even have the POSSIBILITY of a two parent family, you have to get involved with someone who not in a commited relationship already. Could he have tricked her? I suppose so. For me, personally, it would take a lot of time to trust someone enough to have a baby with them. Do accidents happen? Surely, but she chose to have sex with a man she knew was married, or at least a man she didn't know well enough and was not being honest with her. That is not a risk free endeavor.

So while the other woman may want the dad involved, legally, he only has to be financially. He could tell her he wanted nothing to do with the baby and figure out a child support agreement and legally, that's the end. The OPs husband seems to want to be involved, so he either actually cares about the kid, he is still involved with the woman, or he doesn't want to pay child support.

I'm guessing that there are plenty of cheated on wives who insist that the contribution from the philandering spouse be monetary only. And I bet that there are plenty of spouses who agree to that. Relationships are hard, and it's not easy to be the bigger person. Kudos to the OP for even considering it.

Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...

Banana731 is offline  
#72 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 06:27 AM
 
serenbat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,102
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 33 Post(s)
Quote:
 The OPs husband seems to want to be involved, so he either actually cares about the kid, he is still involved with the woman, or he doesn't want to pay child support.

I suspect he wants a lot more and he will find it easy once his other kids know about the child. He seems to have been involved for awhile and its seems to be moving towards all knowing about it. Seems like he is taking responsibility (seeing the child several times a week) for the other child and showing he wants the child in his life. 

 

I just feel it's wrong in the long term to pin the kids against each other no matter how it turns out - haves and have nots. 


 

 pro-transparency advocate

&

lurk.gif  PROUD member of the .3% club!

 

Want to join? Just ask me!

 

"You know, in my day we used to sit on our ass smoking Parliaments for nine months.

Today, you have one piece of Brie and everybody goes berserk."      ROTFLMAO.gif 

serenbat is offline  
#73 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 07:11 AM
 
mammal_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Urban Midwestern USA
Posts: 6,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I am definitely not saying that one child is more important than another, or even one adult, for that matter. I believe we are ALL equals in the universal scheme of things. But I also believe that we each have our own personal realm of responsibility. I don't have the ability to ensure that all children are treated in the way that I know they deserve to be treated, but I do have the ability to do the best that I can in raising my own children.

 

I know this thread isn't about the ow -- but I do agree with Banana731's assessment. Either she knowingly got involved with a married man with a family, or she chose to sleep with someone whom she didn't know all that well. It also seems obvious that she still wants to continue some sort of a relationship with him. If the OP's husband is telling the truth about her really pushing for all the kids to get together, then I can't help thinking that she is really trying to bring things to a head with the OP and her husband by forcing the OP between the rock and hard place of either instantly opening her home to this child before she's even had a chance to begin to heal from the wounds of the infidelity, or just ending the marriage, thereby providing ow with a full time partner (maybe, unless he strays again) and also providing her with quite a bit of access to his and the OP's children.

 

I can understand why the OP is not crazy about having a person like this in her children's lives.


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
mammal_mama is offline  
#74 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 07:14 AM
 
mammal_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Urban Midwestern USA
Posts: 6,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Again, the OP is not responsible if there end up being haves and have nots. She did not tell her husband and this ow to hook up and make a baby!

LoveOurBabies likes this.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
mammal_mama is offline  
#75 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 08:17 AM
 
erigeron's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,345
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I don't think the OP technically has any responsibility towards this child, but she IS her own children's half-sibling. I think that once the OP recovers from the shock of what her husband has put her through, and decides whether to give her husband the boot or not, it would be best for her to accept the child. This little girl didn't ask to be born, and it sounds like neither of her parents have very good judgment. It would be a mercy for her for the OP to foster her relationship with her siblings; maybe then some good will come of this lousy situation. 

 

Also, leaving the "daddy did a bad thing" rhetoric out when talking to the kids would be best at this time, imo. As they get older they'll figure out that daddy cheated on mommy and that's probably why mommy and daddy divorced (if that's what ends up happening). They don't need to be burdened with that knowledge now. He may be a jerk, but he's still their father, and I don't see anything to be gained by deliberately undermining him to them. 

kathymuggle likes this.

WOHM to a girl jog.gif (6-11) and a new baby boy stork-boy.gif (2-14) and adjusting to the full-time life and husband being a SAHD. 
erigeron is offline  
#76 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 08:19 AM
 
nstewart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,721
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banana731 View Post


 Could he have tricked her? I suppose so. For me, personally, it would take a lot of time to trust someone enough to have a baby with them. Do accidents happen? Surely, but she chose to have sex with a man she knew was married, or at least a man she didn't know well enough and was not being honest with her. That is not a risk free endeavor.

 

While this post is to support the OP, I really don't think it's fair to jump to such conclusions about the OW.  She may well have known this man a long time and truly believed he was not married.  She may have felt she knew him very well, have been in love with him and had an "oops!"

 

I am not going to say it is "common" for men to lead double lives, but let's face it, it's not unheard of either.  We don't know what OW knew, or didn't know, or what she knows now, how she felt, or how she became pregnant, or how long they were involved when it happened, so let's not paint her as a jezabell unfairly.  And who are we to judge when it is ok to start a sexual relationship with someone else?  This gets into the whole realm of painting women as sluts if they jump into bed with a man, and I just don't think it's fair to say that after 3 dates, 3 months, 6 months, is too soon.  Too soon for you maybe, and that's great (this coming from someone who has only ever been with her DH by the way), but don't pretend it's some standard that all women should go by.

 

And, even if she KNEW DH was married, and had an affair, this doesn't affect the child that resulted from that relationship in the sense that the child is blameless.  She didn't ask to be born into this crappy situation.  It's crappy for everyone involved.

 

I do think OPs duty is to herself and her children first, and there are no easy answers as to what will be "best".  I also do agree with all PPs who are saying, OP, that your DH is not acting like he is prepared to take responsibility for his actions and work towards earning your trust back.  Please get yourself into counseling so you can have the perspective to deal with this as best as possible.  And please know that you DO NOT deserve to be treated the way your DH is treating you.  If he can't take responsibility, be accountable, be completely open and honest with you about what he has done and is doing, and work his @ss off to earn your trust back, then he just doesn't deserve you. 


N, wife to my goofball K partners.gif and mamma to my EC grad D (July 2010) and my new little love S (May 2013).  Exploring the uncharted territory of tandem nursing with my two boys.

nstewart is offline  
#77 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 08:27 AM
 
MeepyCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 3,669
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 18 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post

Again, the OP is not responsible if there end up being haves and have nots. She did not tell her husband and this ow to hook up and make a baby!

 

There may wind up being haves and have nots in this situation, and who they are isn't entirely under the OP's control.  However, I don't think she's in a space where she can stand back and say that the outcome has nothing to do with her.

 

I fully agree that the OP's husband has been many kinds of bad, and created a situation that sucks for everyone.  The OP is now in a position where she can potentially make the situation worse for some of the children.  I'm opposed to that, and I don't think dumping badness on the OW or her child will make the OP happy in the long run, as satisfying as it might sound right now. 

 

Honestly, with the info the OP has given us, I think she'd be best advised to tell her H to move out, and file for divorce.  Keep the car.  Ask the in-laws to continue to help out because their grandchildren need it.

 

Demand a paternity test before agreeing that marital assets should be dedicated to this child's support, and before introducing this child to your children.

MeepyCat is online now  
#78 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 08:38 AM
 
easydoesit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 26
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I agree Crunchy_mommy.
 

easydoesit is online now  
#79 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 09:28 AM
 
mammal_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Urban Midwestern USA
Posts: 6,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

nstewart, I agree that it's unfair to paint anyone as a Zezebel unless they're a certain kind of murderer -- one who believes in stopping at nothing to get what she wants. Jezebel's "sin" had nothing to do with adultery. She murdered a man because her husband, the king, wanted the land of a man who refused to sell it to him.

 

I also realize that we can't really know for sure whether the OP's husband is telling the truth when he says that OW is pushing for all the kids to get together right now. Maybe if at some point the OP feels like talking with OW, she can learn firsthand whether this woman has actually been trying to force this issue. If she has been, then this seems to me like a very manipulative and underhanded way to try to increase the OP's stress and discomfort at a time when she is still trying to process all this new and very hurtful information.

 

And I seriously don't believe that OW is nearly as responsible for hurting the OP and her kids as the husband is. He is the one who broke his vows. The way I understood Banana's post was that she was contrasting someone who chose to take somewhat of a risk in making a baby with a man who already had a wife and family -- or with a man whom she didn't know well enough to realize that he already had a wife and family -- with the OP who did not choose to take the risk of starting a family with a married man. 

 

I would also add that if OW really did think she knew him super well and he managed to dupe her, it's bizarre that she still wants to have any more contact with him than absolutely necessary. If this last scenario is really the case, then I guess it won't surprise me if she's shocked that the OP is not being more accommodating to her man. Someone who'd be cool with being duped like that must think all men are gods or something.

 

Whichever scenario is really true, again, I can understand why the OP feels resistant to allowing such a person to have any contact with her children!


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
mammal_mama is offline  
#80 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 09:57 AM
 
serenbat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,102
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 33 Post(s)
Quote:
 The OP is now in a position where she can potentially make the situation worse for some of the children. 

I agree. There is very little the OP can do. She can not like it but that does not change it. She can not want the the other woman around her children but I don't see how legally she is to stop any of that should he leave her- I feel with the child the OP is just going to have to except it. Again she can't legally stop him from bringing his own child into their home- it's just up to how she handles it and what effect it makes over her children.

 

Her action will effect how her children view her when they are older and see things from their own prospective. 


 

 pro-transparency advocate

&

lurk.gif  PROUD member of the .3% club!

 

Want to join? Just ask me!

 

"You know, in my day we used to sit on our ass smoking Parliaments for nine months.

Today, you have one piece of Brie and everybody goes berserk."      ROTFLMAO.gif 

serenbat is offline  
#81 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 10:11 AM
 
nstewart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,721
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post

nstewart, I agree that it's unfair to paint anyone as a Zezebel unless they're a certain kind of murderer -- one who believes in stopping at nothing to get what she wants. Jezebel's "sin" had nothing to do with adultery. She murdered a man because her husband, the king, wanted the land of a man who refused to sell it to him.

I suppose that I am refering to the revelations use of Jezebel as opposed to referring to the historical queen you are referring to.  I believe this is the more common association in any event, as being a "jezebel" is most often associated with being sexually immoral, not arranging a murder.  Feel free to substitute Jezebel for "harlot", "whore", "slut" or some other ugly word if you like, my message is the same.

 

My guess is that the OW is a pleaser as the OP appears to be because that is what this adultress DH wants, someone who just wants to please him and not look out for themselves.  This is possibly why she is allowing the DH to treat her as crappily as the OP.  No, I don't know for sure, I'm just making a guess because certain types of men like a certain type of woman ~ it's easier to get away with this type of behaviour if the woman is only thinking of pleasing the man, not thinking critically about a situation, and not sticking up for herself.  A friend of a friend recently went through a mightily crappy situation (and still is in it).  Her DH was having numerous affairs (with call girls, etc) and emptied out their bank account, stole money from his business and clients, and essentially left this women and her two kids in Canada and moved somewhere in South America.  This woman has no idea where her DH is, and is surviving off money her dad is giving her at this point because he DH left her deeply in debt and she doesn't have a job because she married her DH out of high school and has never worked.  She is the ultimate pleaser and DH was able to get away with all of this for so long because she just didn't question him at all, and just aimed to please him in everything.  She had NO IDEA this stuff was going on.  So, maybe I am wrong about OP and/or OW but this is what has happened to a friend of a friend recently so maybe it's skewing my perspective.


N, wife to my goofball K partners.gif and mamma to my EC grad D (July 2010) and my new little love S (May 2013).  Exploring the uncharted territory of tandem nursing with my two boys.

nstewart is offline  
#82 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 10:16 AM
 
Banana731's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the wild Midwestern Woods...
Posts: 3,718
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes, I was comparing the two parties and coming to conclusions about why the married injured party (the OP) might be given a little leeway to feel entitled to not bend over backwards to accommodate the OWs (supposed) and dh's wishes. If it's judgement to say that having an affair with someone who is married or not well known to you is risky, then I stand by it. Actually, after reading another post by the OP, it seems that the affair was for at least 9 months. If you have no idea in that time frame that your lover is hiding something that big, then he is an extremely good liar or you are very unobservant.

I don't really think the OW has much of the blame, no matter. I think at this point the OW could be an ally for the OP. As much as it hurts to think that, OP, this woman has nothing to lose by being honest with you, nor you with her. I'm not saying you should spill your guts and divulge info that could be used against you later in divorce court, but i think civil conversation may get some much needed insight. You don't even know if you want to stay. If she wants your DH to be with her, doesn't being honest about the continued affair (if it is going on) help her, if it makes you want to leave? Even if all she wants is your DH to accept the baby as part of his family, or provide financially, aren't you going to be more willing to consider these things if you are actually getting the truth from someone?

Chances are good that if he's lying to you, he's also lying to her. Maybe it's naive of me, but she seems much more likely to be the place where you will get honest answers at this point.

Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...

Banana731 is offline  
#83 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 10:26 AM
 
mammal_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Urban Midwestern USA
Posts: 6,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

It's true that the OP can't prevent the OW from having access to her kids if she and her husband divorce, and she also can't legally prevent her husband from bringing this child into any home that the two of them share, if he chooses to totally disregard the rawness of this wound and subject his wife, their two children, and his child with the OW to what may be a very hurtful situation for ALL of them if he just has to rush things and dump this situation on all of them right now.

 

For that matter, I suppose he can "legally" bring other women into their shared home if he wants to be that crass. It may be illegal in many states for him to have sex with these women, because of old fashioned laws that may have been left on the books, but he could probably still bring them in.

 

The OP simply has a legal and moral right to determine what situation is best for her and her kids. I was just saying that I can understand and sympathize with her desire to keep her kids away from the OW. I know there are limits to all of our powers when it comes to protecting our kids. I still think she's a great mom and I don't think she needs to worry about how her kids may perceive her in the future. I think kids know who is always there for them and concerned about their day to day needs, and a parent who's managed to spend enough time away from his family to create a second life isn't a parent that they're used to counting on 24/7.


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
mammal_mama is offline  
#84 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 10:36 AM
 
serenbat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,102
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 33 Post(s)
Quote:
 It may be illegal in many states for him to have sex with these women, because of old fashioned laws that may have been left on the books, but he could probably still bring them in. The OP simply has a legal and moral right to determine what situation is best for her and her kids.

dizzy.gifit's laughable! this line of thinking seems archaic

 

I don't even think a lawyer would entertain it, let alone a judge would probably set up visitation for kids- Morally? it's well past that and you can't go back


 

 pro-transparency advocate

&

lurk.gif  PROUD member of the .3% club!

 

Want to join? Just ask me!

 

"You know, in my day we used to sit on our ass smoking Parliaments for nine months.

Today, you have one piece of Brie and everybody goes berserk."      ROTFLMAO.gif 

serenbat is offline  
#85 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 10:40 AM
 
Banana731's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the wild Midwestern Woods...
Posts: 3,718
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ITA. I'd like to think I could take the "moral highground" and let the child in, but who knows?! And it seems as if there is so much more under the surface, it's a difficult task to get to the other side of those waters.

And it's definitely okay to take as much time as you need to decide that, OP!

Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...

Banana731 is offline  
#86 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 11:05 AM
 
serenbat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,102
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 33 Post(s)
Quote:
"moral highground"

that's RIGHT!

 

or "Daddy's morally bad"- I don't see it too many different ways!


 

 pro-transparency advocate

&

lurk.gif  PROUD member of the .3% club!

 

Want to join? Just ask me!

 

"You know, in my day we used to sit on our ass smoking Parliaments for nine months.

Today, you have one piece of Brie and everybody goes berserk."      ROTFLMAO.gif 

serenbat is offline  
#87 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 11:25 AM
 
mammal_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Urban Midwestern USA
Posts: 6,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

dizzy.gifit's laughable! this line of thinking seems archaic

 

I don't even think a lawyer would entertain it, let alone a judge would probably set up visitation for kids- Morally? it's well past that and you can't go back

I was responding to your comment that the husband legally has the right, while he and the OP share the same home, to bring the child over right now. I understand that he legally can do this, irregardless of whether the OP is ready for it and irregardless of how forcing such an interaction so early on might cause emotional harm to the OP and all of the children.

 

I understand that it's legal, and I was pointing out that it would also be legal for him to bring other women in for a visit -- maybe not to have sex, but, say, if he wanted to just walk in with his current OW and invite her to plunk down on the couch and stay a while, he wouldn't be breaking any laws by doing it.


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
mammal_mama is offline  
#88 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 11:27 AM
 
mammal_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Urban Midwestern USA
Posts: 6,772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

And I meant that the OP's legal and moral rights are to do the best she can to provide the best situation she can for herself and her kids. But she can only do what she can do; if their father wants to be a total jerk and just do everything his way without regard for anyone else's feelings, it will just be too bad for the kids while they're on his watch. But she'll still have plenty of influence in their lives herself.


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
mammal_mama is offline  
#89 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 11:39 AM
 
kathymuggle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,872
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 91 Post(s)

The toddler should be a part of your childrens and husbands life.  I believe children have a right to have a relationship with their half sibling.  I would be livid as an adult if I found out I had a half sibling I was kept away from.

 

So you have a decision to make:

 

Stay with him and accept this child will be part of  your family 

 

or 

 

Divorce DH.  Your children and the toddler can visit each other as he sees fit on his time.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.  Personally,  I would take some time to make a plan with some timelines.  One plan could be for staying together, with marital counselling or whatever else you need from him.  Another plan would be separation  - what do you need to do to make that happen? 

 

In either case, Dh should introduce the kids to their sisters soon.  Nothing will be gained by waiting.  If you intend to leave him, a neutral spot is fine; if you intend to stay together, she will spend time (perhaps lots of it) in the family home, so that seems appropriate.

 

Sorry you are dealing with this.  You can do this.  Take care.

 

kathy


There is a battle of two wolves inside us.  One is good and the other is evil.  The wolf that wins is the one you feed.

 

Book and herb loving mama to 1 preteen and 2 teens (when did that happen?).  We travel, go to school, homeschool, live rurally, eat our veggies, spend too much time...

kathymuggle is offline  
#90 of 141 Old 01-24-2013, 11:41 AM
 
Banana731's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the wild Midwestern Woods...
Posts: 3,718
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The moral highground, meaning, Not letting your own feelings of bitterness, betrayal, and anger towards dh come between a potentially close life-long relationship between the half siblings. The opposite of which would be saying, "Um, no way, pay your child support, if you want to stay married to me that kid is not a physical part of our lives..."

My statement had nothing to do with DH. Only what my, personal, moral battle might be in the same situation.

But i would think my Dh was kind of a UA violation...

Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...

Banana731 is offline  
Reply

Tags
Family Issues , Unfaithful Hope And Healing After Infidelity

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off